in doubt

Hey everyone im new to this forum,

Im really confused at the moment i was going to post before but as soon as i finished writing it told me to log in which i was kinda pissed about because i spent three and a half hours writing it.

now the weird thing is i managed to fit every single thing i remembered of my entire life into 3 hours of typing?. now here are my symptoms of which are confusing me.

personality change but with no amnesia inbetween but i can feel and know when ive switched.
i believe i have about 4-5 different alters each similar to me but with a few subtle differences.
for instance about 2 months ago i was asleep one night and i woke up in a foul mood and found i had a huge thirst for violence but the day after i had visited my therapist and psychologist this behaviour dissapeared over night and this alter was me for about a week or two not sure on exact time.

when i feel different it seems like each alter suffers pain in different parts of my body which i find the most weird.
i rarely lose track of time and occasionally when im in a situation i experience mild depersonalisation and derealisation or if im in a situation where violence is most likely going to be involve i will be seriously anxious and have a panic attack or this violent alter takes charge and deals with the situation he believes will resolve the situation and sometimes takes it to far by being to violent ( currently my t and psychologist believe im sociopathic ) but ive changed im so to say me again the orginal me.

i have a history psychiatric illness this includes:

anxiety
depression
borderline personality disorder
psychosis(mostly paranoid delusions with only about 4-5 times of auditory and visual hallucinations ever)
Substance abuse

also i have a rare genetic disease called TBSC or tuberous sclerosis complex it affects about 1 in 10000 people or new births.
I had a huge complication last year where i was admitted to hospital for double vision and it was found i had a sub-epedymal giant cell astrocytoma putting pressure on my brain which needed to be removed as was successfully but about a week later i was gravely ill again throwing up headaches so i go back to hospital only to find out i have hydrocephalus and i need to go back to the specialist hospital where i had it drained and am now a lifetime wearer of a shunt but they needed to get rid of the rest of the tumour so yeah a month of my life just gone from laying in a hospital bed.

Now ive read that the personality can change from brain damage but it has only really been reported that when it changes that alter stays and doesnt change anymore but mine does but without some of the symptoms of did.

I also have a history of extreme trauma from multiple inccidents and cannot fully remember all of them?

i need help.

thanks
mark

Hi, Mark and welcome. I have DID and am just a layman so anything I say is going to be a guess. What you describe sounds to me like it could be a dissociative disorder, possibly DID or maybe DDNOS, the latter with dissociative ego states.

The history of extreme trauma, when did this occur? Was this at all related to the TSC? If it was fairly young, say, under age 12, a dissociative disorder is a possible result. DID almost always arises from some sort of trauma, whether physical, sexual, emotional abuse or significant neglect. Medical treatments that are significant, painful, and frequent can also lead to dissociative disorders, including DID. Also any combination of the above can do the same.

Do the other parts of you have names? This would be somewhat more consistent with DID. Because you say your parts are more like you and, particularly, hold different types of physical pain, that suggests DDNOS to me. Stick around and ask more questions. We may be able to help.

Hey i was not diagnosed with tsc until the age of 15 but the physical symptoms appeared were there but they didnt suspect anything until i went to the doctors for an itchy leg which no cream could cure and it turned out to be a varicose vein and so i went for blood tests and they said i had an abnormality in my kidneys with required a ct scan so i went for that and about 2 weeks later they told me i had tsc.

I was somewhat more emotionally traumatised than anything else from the age of 7 it was teasing because i had a sty or a lump on my eye which was removed at the age of 11 i was called all kinds of names which upset me but i dont remember much about it tbh.

i endured physical beatings through secondry school all the way up until i finished 3 years ago when i was around the age of 11 i could take all the crap these people threw at me and stuck up for myself somedays while on other days i was scared s**tless of anything i cannot remember much about this time (it was my first secondry school out of the four i had attended) and tbh i dont remember much atall of my school life.

I can remember certain people but not many.

None of my alters have names i have been concious enough to remember the original me but the behaviour changes no matter how subtle they are are different but like i said each time i feel different i remember things i forgot had happened and somehow all these memories intergrated into the original me so i remember the things all my alters remember aswell.

infact i will list what i believe to be "alters"

original me- less emotions than your usual person,outgoing,non-socialble(out of choice)
emotional me-caring,oversensitive,depressed,suicidal,self harmer and extremely anxious
scary me-violent,intrusive,lacking in empathy,sadistic (my cpn said if i feel like this again i should take my medication which is 20mg of olanzapine)

original me is the same throughout the day but when i switch into a more caring original me i feel dizzy and get a slight but not umbearable headache then i gain motivation to do things like house chores and maybe even go on facebook listen to music or make a music cd which the normal original me is to lazy to do.

my violent alter is always at the back of my mind telling me he is going to have my body to himself soon which bothers me but im not scared.

all i want is to be able to feel emotions again be able to fall in love like i used to be able to do and to be able to get my talent for music production back which i have almost totally forgotten(maybe down to my brain injury not sure?)

i dont want to be labelled unesecelery but im confused witless about who i am (i know my real name d.o.b parents and where i originally come from) so nothing like that but i mean like who i am as a person i feel limited to what i can feel at the moment .


thanks
mark