remembering inner world?

Hi. We're new (just been lurking before) here and we have DID.
I was wondering - as a core/original - do you remember your own inner world (where you go when you're not out) ? I know alters do, but I can't seem to remember the world.. just like a feeling. I have this image in my head though - had it since yesterday (I came out for the first time in 10 days), for one of the places in there. Don't know if it's correct though. Anyway - I'm a little nervous I'm asking something stupid so I'll stop now. Thanks!

- Core/Original/Host

Hi, and welcome! My memory and that of my alters was blocked a little too fully last year after I started having flashbacks at work, so I can't ask anyone what inside was like before that. In the past year, the inner world I saw was just a blank gray space with a cot and a light overhead. Not very imaginative but I do remember being inside and what it felt like. We don't have even that much of an inside anymore.

My alters don't recall any extensive inner space. No meadow, garden, castle, house, or set of rooms. It's not a given someone with DID has one, but many do. I've heard of situations like yours, where the host (the person out most of the time) does go inside but doesn't remember anything of it. I would imagine remembering being inside could be problematic because it would create an awareness of lost time and the existence of alters.

Terminology can be confusing. "Core" has at least three different meanings I've heard. The words core/original for our system means the person there at birth from which the first alter split. It may not happen that way for everyone but it did for my system, at least that's a convenient explanation for what happened. So my core/original is Adam, a baby. I'm the host but I'm just an alter who was created like everyone else.

You'll find no question is stupid on this board. Really. If you make a comment or ask something, somebody is going to relate to what you said. Well, I suppose if you just put a bunch of words together, stupid be that might.

My alters don't recall any extensive inner space. No meadow, garden, castle, house, or set of rooms. It's not a given someone with DID has one, but many do.

That makes sense. I thought everyone did but I know some of mine don't have a place, and some do. From what I've gathered some have somewhere to go if they've been hurt (while being out) but not all have a place to just "hang out" when they're on the inside. Some are just lost (on the inside), too. Not everyone wants to answer either, they say it's secret so no one can come inside and hurt them. Thanks for clearing that up!

I would imagine remembering being inside could be problematic because it would create an awareness of lost time and the existence of alters.

That's very true. After getting to know and accept my alters it makes sense that I might now remember more (e.g the image of somewhere inside, and I have dreamed about my inner world before though - but just my place, not the rest of the alters' places) but still don't remember being there or having been inside before. I would imagine it would've been very much of a strain considering I wasn't host for about 3 years (though I am core/birth person).

Thank you so much for your reply and for explaining your own system, that really helped!

Are there any other core/birth persons here that do remember though?

- Core/Original/Host

do you remember your own inner world (where you go when you're not out) ?

I do have dreams with-in dreams, where I wake up and all the people are gone but the place is still there. It's a house I've been dreaming of for a while, I'm not sure if that's the inner world. It tends to be the same house.

Occasionally, I'll hear/see furniture being kicked around, gunshots, doors open and close. Sometimes, I can manage through the darkness, I did see a field, where three hanged out, a little in her bubble, and they talked about their rooms in the house. There is a veil inside I can't see through, I don't know what's behind it. And some kids said they are trapped in the shower. Occasionally I'll hear screaming inside, conversations, etc. I have gotten stuck inside once, it was odd, I could see through my eyes but I couldn't "take control" so I went back into the darkness, fell asleep and woke up normal.

When I was little I would day dream about creating an inner-landscape I could escape to, any chance I got, I would go there. I thought I could create my safe world inside, and hide there, but with my eyes open so no one knew I was really asleep.

It's a house I've been dreaming of for a while, I'm not sure if that's the inner world. It tends to be the same house

I could see through my eyes but I couldn't "take control" so I went back into the darkness, fell asleep and woke up normal.

I have dreamed like that so many times too! Glad I'm not alone (even if it is uncomfortable)

When I was little I would day dream about creating an inner-landscape I could escape to, any chance I got, I would go there. I thought I could create my safe world inside, and hide there, but with my eyes open so no one knew I was really asleep.

Oh wow, that is so sad and sweet at the same time. I guess you did make it, all (DID) things considered.

You sound a lot like me - thanks for sharing! I have dreams but I don't know if they're right (I just know about "my place" because it was so obvious in my dream).

I'm so glad I found this board for some support and it makes me feel less alone.

- Core/Original/Host

My core self was tucked away as an infant and only let out a month or so ago. I was sleeping. I was never privy to the inner world. Even now all things are blocked from me. No memory before the age of 16. Little after that.

No trauma memories.

But parts tell me what it's like and share trauma memories with me - in an unemotional way.

I look forward to the day that I am let inside to see what it there. That curiosity drives me though. It drives me to learn about it.

My core self was tucked away as an infant and only let out a month or so ago.

Wow you must've all worked so hard to get to that point! I've read some of your blog and I have to say you are so strong. Hope it's okay that I am saying this.

I look forward to the day that I am let inside to see what it there. That curiosity drives me though. It drives me to learn about it.

I'm glad you can let the curiosity drive you. That is something to look forward to, for sure! I hope to be let in on that information too.

-Core/Host

Hi lifelongthing!

I was wondering the same questions in the past few days too. I was always co-conscious but recently im sometimes left alone. And i'd then wonder where the other goes. But when she shows up and i ask her, she doesn't know herself too. It's like she was frozen in time before she shows up. So strange...

By the way, there is a rose garden which Ana always dreams of. If i can create it for her, i'd be glad to do that. But at the moment i don't know how to do that.

lifelongthing wrote:

My core self was tucked away as an infant and only let out a month or so ago.

Wow you must've all worked so hard to get to that point! I've read some of your blog and I have to say you are so strong. Hope it's okay that I am saying this.

I look forward to the day that I am let inside to see what it there. That curiosity drives me though. It drives me to learn about it.

I'm glad you can let the curiosity drive you. That is something to look forward to, for sure! I hope to be let in on that information too.

-Core/Host

Thank you

You are only young. Work hard. Heal fast. Live a good life! You have so much of it left.

I was more than twice your age before I even knew I had something wrong.

But when she shows up and i ask her, she doesn't know herself too. It's like she was frozen in time before she shows up

I have one that I don't know much about but from what I've gathered she doesn't know we're DID and she doesn't know why she doesn't remember so I guess some just go blank when they aren't out.

You are only young. Work hard. Heal fast. Live a good life! You have so much of it left.

Thank you Tylas, that means a lot. You are working so hard and YOU are healing fast - even if you didn't start healing early. You're indeed a big inspiration

- Core/Host