Crying child

Hey everyone, so things are really bad now. This past week has been intense.

At work I keep switching into a little boy alter. I'll find myself talking with someone (usually female..they're safer) with my hands either in my pockets or playing with my fingers, shuffling my feet, and talking like a little boy. I know he is close to taking over when I find tears welling up in my eyes, my hands in my pockets and getting a really bad gagging feeling..its so bad that I almost vomit. I know of about 10 switches yesterday- there were definitely more. I need to confide in someone safe there so they understand- but that's really scary too.

At home I find myself with my hands around my knees and rocking back and forth. I have had some contact with him, but he doesn't know what to say and he is too sad to talk. T says to treat him like a hurt son and talk, listen, and give him some love. I'm really scared of memories he has though- I'm not really ready to have them, but at the same time I know he needs help too. He is shy and refuses to talk with her now..there has been almost no contact between her and him. No need to be shy anymore, buddy. She recommends a journal where he can draw and write if he needs to.

What do I do? It's hard for him to talk with anyone, but he really needs to. Maybe just doesn't know how to put what happened into words?? We could really use your help now

-- Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:14 pm --

it is so bad cause i get scared a lot. and i am scared about people. they just might hurt me. it makes me cry and want to run away. can we watch shrek please? I would like that now. i might like a journal. just sad and sorry and i do not know what to do that feels bad.

-- Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:16 pm --

youre so stupid about this all. what mkaes it okay to feel like you deserve help!!

I just need help because thuis really gets scary and it would be good to understand everythng. i want to make things write with us. im sorry when i make yuou angry ok?

***Sorry about all that everyone I decided to post it because then it can be remembered later if others need it. I could have just not posted it. Makes us feel a little ashamed haha

Have you tried a colouring book? I have a flower fairy one and a pattern one. For a boy maybe a Thomas the tank engine one would help.

My dissociation isn't really DID but more a regression, but the 'little me' is hidden in a dolly which I'm very protective of; she holds the memories. When I flashback or regress I find colouring or drawing helps, as I find drawing unearths stuff a colouring book can be a 'safer' option.

holly hobbie wrote:or a boy maybe a Thomas the tank engine one would help.

..

holly hobbie wrote: I find drawing unearths stuff a colouring book can be a 'safer' option.

That is a good point. He really likes having something soft or a little gadget to fiddle with in my left pocket. I can tell how he is feeling by how often I find my hand in the pocket...I got the idea from someones post here- can't remember who, but one of his alters liked having a crayon in his pocket.

I am here for when he wants to talk, and I know he'll feel better when he does.

I found this morning that when I send a mental image of walking with him and holding his hand I get a return feeling of him feeling warmth and comfort. I tried a hug, but it seemed to return a panic feeling.

walden wrote:He really likes having something soft or a little gadget to fiddle with in my left pocket. I can tell how he is feeling by how often I find my hand in the pocket

I am here for when he wants to talk, and I know he'll feel better when he does.

I found this morning that when I send a mental image of walking with him and holding his hand I get a return feeling of him feeling warmth and comfort. I tried a hug, but it seemed to return a panic feeling.

Walden, you've done some amazing work already with your little guy. Many years ago I too felt a mental image of walking with one young alter, Little John, and holding his hand, and had a similar wonderful feeling. In retrospect I realize that I allowed him to take over the body but stayed very close to watch over him, as he was only two at the time. I also found that too much affection panics all but the baby.

I picked out parts of your comments for contrast. Note that in your second paragraph, you mention being willing but sort of waiting while in the third you actually tried to communicate with him and the results were definite.

I tried talking internally and then externally to my alters. I found that speaking aloud while I was out was most effective. The easiest communication was a back and forth. I would say 1-2 sentences at the most, then wait for an internal reply. I had to train myself to listen very carefully and avoid the almost automatic thought "I must be making this up." I learned to pay attention to signs that someone wanted to come into the body and then I let them. Equally good communication can happen if the alter out talks and I answer from within.

With Little John, part of his survival mechanism was not to talk, never to express need of any kind. I had to learn to do most of the talking with him, though once we had a conversation about a little bird outside our window that he was curious about.

One thing that took me a while to figure out was that, when alters are children, they are children, not some childlike part of me. So I needed to interact with them as I do with actual children. What happy children do is play. They need time to play and things to play with. What hurt children need is to know that they're in a safe place now and that there are big people around them who will keep them safe and protect them, provide for them. I've had to remind my littles many, many times that the bad parents are not nearby, they're gone, dead. No one can hurt them the way they were once hurt and they have a whole bunch of older guys who like them and want to look after them.

If you're not ready to hear everything from the little fellow, tell him that and why. Then ask yourself how much you might be willing to know. He is a child and needs to not be alone in what happened but attention and reassurance can help him in the meantime.

I had to just "get over" the initial embarrassment of buying toys (for several littles) and then let "myself" play with these when a little came into the body. The fact is, the embarrassment melted away and never returned after the first incident of being present while a little began playing. It was very, very clear it wasn't me pretending to play. I could feel immediately how healing it was for them because the positive feelings radiated throughout the body.

Thank you for your observations and advice, Johnny-Jack. Helps to have this online support team here a lot as well.

If you're not ready to hear everything from the little fellow, tell him that and why. Then ask yourself how much you might be willing to know. He is a child and needs to not be alone in what happened but attention and reassurance can help him in the meantime.

I think I'll do that. Today was a good day for us for the most part. For me alone, I'm still working on me being frustrated about losing time. Although that must be them gaining time and contact, so I suppose that is the silver lining?

Keeping something in your pocket for him sounds like a great idea. Maybe a small matchbox car that he could hold and spin the wheels when he gets nervous would help. If anyone asks, just have a plan... like "oh, my nephew gave it to me, I forgot I had it." I always feel better when I have a plan to explain the things I do.

I know it is hard to hear their memories and one day you will be ready. For now though, just be there for him and be a friend. You can use this time to build trust with him, to show him the world isn't as scary as it once was, and that he can come to you, trust you, and that you will take care of him.

ashesoflife wrote:.. For now though, just be there for him and be a friend. You can use this time to build trust with him, to show him the world isn't as scary as it once was, and that he can come to you, trust you, and that you will take care of him.

Thanks He has been out almost all day today. We sat on the floor and watched a movie. During this time we switched a lot. Even the slightest noise or male voice freaks him out. It's been really hard, nothing is really helping that.

That's very kind and generous of you. Our littles were scared of a lot of things for a long time. All alters up to Jack's age were scared or nervous around raised voices. They either went inside immediately or fled the area. Things happening on TV triggered them as well.

Getting scared is rational. He's reacting to the environment he was used to. Over time he will become less and less scared. He'll become more sure of your support and see things are different now. Our twins, who are a little less triggerable, are still wary walking around in public or if there are sudden loud noises because they are only four, so we think that's reasonable.

You may soon want to ask him if there is anything he'd like to play with or you may already know, since in a way he was you at a young age. Asking some child alters directly can be triggering as the lesson for them may have been "you'll get in trouble if you want or need anything" or "you don't deserve anything." In that case, leaving out a new toy rather than giving it to them may avoid that.

You may soon want to ask him if there is anything he'd like to play with or you may already know, since in a way he was you at a young age. Asking some child alters directly can be triggering as the lesson for them may have been "you'll get in trouble if you want or need anything" or "you don't deserve anything."

As of now he really likes my watch. I leave it in my pocket and he'll reach in and stroke the Velcro band. We went out today and bought a movie to watch together. I found myself watching him laughing and being happy watching it. Might watch it again tonight! Pretty sure there is another child that came out during that too though. And a Jamaican reggae man too.

I'm not sure he knows how to describe what happened. He encountered severe sexual abuse for 6 years. When he is close I get an awful gagging feeling and stabbing pains in another place. I'll find myself trying to cover my mouth and backside and crying if my own hands touch my body. Even holding the steering wheel will trigger lately...I feel a little desperate in trying to comfort my little Mickey.