I am so crushed.

hun, that is what therapy will help you find. The reason you don't trust and the reason you don't believe ppl like you for who you are. I think it is very telling you feel that way about your T and based on what you just wrote it says a lot about your relationships with others.

Huge hugs.

Can you write her a letter? Now while you are upset? I think how you feel about this situation might flow out of you right now. I, personally cannot do this because I tend to clam up if I think I am writing to the person. So what helps me is to write it to someone else. Write it to us in this thread, or on your blog or in a pm to someone and tell someone how you feel about your T. This might be easier than telling her, even in a letter. And then you have something to open the door to this discussion with your T. YOu don't have to commit to reading it but you will have it if you want to?

Sam

SamsLand wrote:Can you write her a letter? Now while you are upset?

Okay

I'm scared. I'm scared you may be thinking mean things about me. I'm scared you are tired of me and don't want to work with me. I have long fantasies of you telling me that you don't want to work with me anymore because I am so rude and because every time I go to therapy I sit there and make rude faces and act like I'm mad at you or frustrated with you.

And honestly that's how I feel when I'm in there but not after I leave. I stayed in the waiting room as long as I could to cry, but someone walked in and I didn't want to cry in front of them or for you to know I was still there when you opened the door. But I went outside and lay on the grass for an hour and a half crying on and off. And I've been crying on and off all day. I don't like being so rude. I'm not rude in real life. I promise.

I wish you could see how nice I am at work. I love people there. I'm not mean there. And they like me too. And I'm not mean to anyone but you. But it's an accident. I don't know why I change. It's like your office has a curse on me. When I'm with Brian(fake name), I cry a whole lot. I'm not like that in normal life either. And when I am with my roommates, I am just polite. But the nice me is the one at work, or sometimes with Brian, and sometimes by myself.

I wish you would stop pretending to be nice and show who you really are underneath. That you can get angry. That you are angry with me. That you dread it when I come to a session. You are just your therapist self when you go to work. But you are different in the rest of your life. I don't want to see the fake you anymore. I want you to get mad at me.

I said something rude today, and I said I was sorry. And I was angry when you didn't say anything back. You should have said 'that's okay', or 'why are you acting so rude, what's wrong with you, why are you so hateful?' But when you don't say anything I get mad. Because it's like you're saying that I wasn't being rude at all. Well, I was. No doubt about it. And you should get mad at me as punishment.

But all this makes me feel like I am spinning my wheels in therapy. Like I shouldn't be going at all. I waste my time in therapy. I could put it to so much better use if I could just change into the nicer me when I go. But I don't know how.

I want to talk about stuff that makes me sad. But it's so petty. And I know you hear worse things. You hear of all kinds of horror, why listen to some ungrateful jerk who doesn't know the first thing about fear, about pain? Who is scared to take rides with people or hang out with anyone other than Brian? I don't even try. Well, I guess I try a little. But not hard enough, and not consistently enough to actually make a real difference.

And my past. Who cares if I was homeless during 3 different phases of my development? Who cares if that's why I had to give up my kitty? Who cares if I had no long term relationships cuz I moved 26 times? Who cares if I was estranged from my Dad when I was 10? Who cares if I was bullied in 8th grade and almost expelled? Who cares that my mom uses me for her own gain? I know she still loves me. She's done a lot for me. Sacrificed a lot for me. She knew we were in $#%^, but she tried to make it fun. And she loves me a lot. She's just been through a lot herself.

Wouldn't you rather work with someone else, someone better?

Okay, I think I'm done.

bravo divided. you are amazing,

K

dividedtruth89 wrote:

SamsLand wrote:Can you write her a letter? Now while you are upset?

Okay

I'm scared. I'm scared you may be thinking mean things about me. I'm scared you are tired of me and don't want to work with me. I have long fantasies of you telling me that you don't want to work with me anymore because I am so rude and because every time I go to therapy I sit there and make rude faces and act like I'm mad at you or frustrated with you.

And honestly that's how I feel when I'm in there but not after I leave. I stayed in the waiting room as long as I could to cry, but someone walked in and I didn't want to cry in front of them or for you to know I was still there when you opened the door. But I went outside and lay on the grass for an hour and a half crying on and off. And I've been crying on and off all day. I don't like being so rude. I'm not rude in real life. I promise.

I wish you could see how nice I am at work. I love people there. I'm not mean there. And they like me too. And I'm not mean to anyone but you. But it's an accident. I don't know why I change. It's like your office has a curse on me. When I'm with Brian(fake name), I cry a whole lot. I'm not like that in normal life either. And when I am with my roommates, I am just polite. But the nice me is the one at work, or sometimes with Brian, and sometimes by myself.

I wish you would stop pretending to be nice and show who you really are underneath. That you can get angry. That you are angry with me. That you dread it when I come to a session. You are just your therapist self when you go to work. But you are different in the rest of your life. I don't want to see the fake you anymore. I want you to get mad at me.

I said something rude today, and I said I was sorry. And I was angry when you didn't say anything back. You should have said 'that's okay', or 'why are you acting so rude, what's wrong with you, why are you so hateful?' But when you don't say anything I get mad. Because it's like you're saying that I wasn't being rude at all. Well, I was. No doubt about it. And you should get mad at me as punishment.

But all this makes me feel like I am spinning my wheels in therapy. Like I shouldn't be going at all. I waste my time in therapy. I could put it to so much better use if I could just change into the nicer me when I go. But I don't know how.

I want to talk about stuff that makes me sad. But it's so petty. And I know you hear worse things. You hear of all kinds of horror, why listen to some ungrateful jerk who doesn't know the first thing about fear, about pain? Who is scared to take rides with people or hang out with anyone other than Brian? I don't even try. Well, I guess I try a little. But not hard enough, and not consistently enough to actually make a real difference.

And my past. Who cares if I was homeless during 3 different phases of my development? Who cares if that's why I had to give up my kitty? Who cares if I had no long term relationships cuz I moved 26 times? Who cares if I was estranged from my Dad when I was 10? Who cares if I was bullied in 8th grade and almost expelled? Who cares that my mom uses me for her own gain? I know she still loves me. She's done a lot for me. Sacrificed a lot for me. She knew we were in $#%^, but she tried to make it fun. And she loves me a lot. She's just been through a lot herself.

Wouldn't you rather work with someone else, someone better?

Okay, I think I'm done.

I hope you don't mind but I quoted this so you can have it even if you change your mind about it. (if it upsets you you can always ask a mod to delete it). I think what you have written is so honest, so beautifully honest.

You doubt what you have been through deserves attention. I believe it does. I believe you do. I think that you need therapy and your "issues" are not petty. The things that have happened to you are significant. I hope that this will help you get the help you need.

Bring it next time if you want. Or mail it to her in advance. Or just hold it to help you start talking. YOu have a lot to work on my dear, so therapy is not a waste. You are in control but you T probably does not want to guide you in directions which are not led by you. This letter will go a long way in helping your T guide you to where you need to go.

Huge hugs,
Sam

I have had this problem for twenty years with therapists who ask me about my week. Well, my life is like a soap opera so plenty of stuff to talk about and I never got to the deep stuff. I guess they are used to stuff like my week as their normal client's needs and don't think to push harder. With this therapist, I told her on the first visit NOT to let that happen. She has been great about it though sometimes she says she feels a little guilty for cutting me off (it doesn't feel like cutting off, just re-directing). You HAVE to tell your T to do this even if you don't feel comfortable. Our job in therapy is not to feel comfortable, comfortable leads nowhere. If she doesn't do this after you ask her, then I don't see any other option than to find a T who will because superficial is ok for a T to do in a crisis, but is just a waste of money otherwise.

I have two more suggestions. Try writing a letter, right now - days before your session. Don't read it again beforehand or you will want to edit or not give it. Just bring it to read in session. That might get things moving about more important things. In particular, you need at least one session just talking about this issue in detail. It is the most important issue right now, so don't avoid it. Second, schedule at least one visit that is longer than usual. I find that it takes a while to get past that anxiety that shuts us down, if it's not happening in the usual session, you might need a little more time just to get past the fear. Once you've gotten past the fear a few times, it might be easier when going back to the usual session length.

Sorry. Therapy is so tough, I know. Hang in and good luck.

Eileen

Honey, you are dealing with a common consequence of realizing that due to your dissociative disorder the "you" the world sees is not the whole you, so in a sense inauthentic. The consequence is the fear that everyone else is equally inauthentic. Well, some people are inauthentic, but most are not.

Thank you all for your heartfelt advice, especially those of you who responded last night when I was in such an awful place emotionally. I am doing much better now, and able to think much more clearly without being clouded by all the overwhelming emotions.

Rawiyah wrote:It really sounds like she cares, and she's really trying to help. But if you can at least communicate to her that you're having a hard time telling her what needs to be said, then maybe she can try to change some of her methods too.

Yes. I know she cares, which is why I definitely wouldn't want to be hasty and try to find someone else. She recently said that therapy would take a different direction, blending and integrating different experiences. But nothing seems to have changed. I need some kind of change in the way the therapy is carried out each time. I emailed her asking if I can email my thoughts on the last session, and thankfully, she is happy to start taking my emails whenever I want and then working through them at the next session. Whew.

SamsLand wrote:I think that you need therapy and your "issues" are not petty.

Thank you. Deep down I know this. Last night it was just so gone from my awareness.

SamsLand wrote:do you trust her? With the big stuff? It sounds like to me you don't trust her with what is closest to your heart.

I don't exactly trust her with the younger part of myself. The part of me that comes out around B. I am afraid she would not be accepting.

InfinitD your "get down to business" approach really helped me see that I need to take more charge. While I tend to direct things, I need to have more of a voice concerning the fact that I don't have a voice sometimes. I will email her the things that I know, right now, would never come out the way I want them to in session.

Una+ wrote:Well, some people are inauthentic, but most are not.

This is such a foreign concept to me, and I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. But thank you very much for your words. I needed to read that.

dividedtruth89 wrote:

Una+ wrote:Well, some people are inauthentic, but most are not.

This is such a foreign concept to me, and I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I know the feeling.

me too. For me I think it is because my mom is the most inauthentic person I know. And my dad is covert, So when you grow up with that you assume that is how ppl are.

And I constantly feel like a fraud. I think some of it makes sense now because when i didn't know of the others I deep down knew it wasn't me always, but I still feel like a fraud often.

ugh
Sam

I can see ur letter doing good, no advice, but ((hugs if wanted))

Sorry, I read pg 1 and pressed reply. I gave advice to write a letter without noticing you already had, on pg 2. Good job. I think e-mailing it ASAP is a great idea. Wish sometimes our T had e-mail.