I am so crushed.

I had an awful therapy session today. I didn't feel like I had anything to talk about. I felt no connection to any of the things I want to feel over. Again. So many past issues that I sense are the source of my anxiety, and when I tell them, I tell them without feeling. Just an "oh well, that's life" attitude. I am disgusted with this absolute lack of motivation to truly work in session.

I am angry that my therapist doesn't seem to guide our conversations at all sometimes. Sometimes it seems like all she does is just repeat what I say using better phrasing. And while this is productive...I feel like I need to be FORCED to feel and FORCED to talk about the...series of unfortunate events. Since they are undoubtedly the source of my problems now, right? Yet every time I go to therapy, it's always "what do you want to talk about today?" Does she honestly think my week is all that interesting? I know she knows that I get very disconnected before our sessions, she said so before.

How can I make myself WANT to talk about what I know I need to talk about? I have so little feelings about it, it doesn't even feel like my story when I'm in there. I can relate the story to my best friend, but for some reason, I can not talk about the past in therapy anymore. Once I enter the room...the past is not mine to tell. When I leave...it becomes mine once again.

But then whose is it? Obviously it's mine. The things happened to me. But it doesn't feel right for me to talk about them. If I'm gonna talk about them in an "oh well, life sucks" sort of way, that is disgusting. I refuse to talk about them that way...so I don't want to talk about them at all. But I don't want to cry while I talk about them either...because some of the things seem so petty. Really. Petty.

Session ended way too abruptly. She just got up from her chair as a signal of time to go to the other room to make another appointment. No signal of that's the end of our session like usual. I know she is getting frustrated with me. I don't help her help me.

I sat outside for an hour and half crying on/off, laying on the grass, disgusted with my behavior in session. I HATE THAT PART OF ME WHO GOES TO THERAPY. HATE MYSELF.

If I didn't know better I would swear I wrote this posting. I certainly have no words of advice, but I relate to absolutely EVERYTHING you just said. I hope somebody has some words of wisdom...

The mental health team kept asking: how can we help you, what do you want, what do you need? Which was nice of them, except I didn't know! My support worker said it was the mental health teams job to find a way to help me. Not my job to make their lives easier by telling them how to help me.

I'm guessing if your therapy sessions aren't working, maybe it's not your fault. X

Kerry H wrote:Not my job to make their lives easier by telling them how to help me.

It's not that I think I need to tell her how to help me. But she can't read my mind. I have to be willing to speak when she tries to bring things up. It's my therapy, I'm in charge, and I need to give a little. But I am the one who shuts down. She even said today, "I try to get at the emotion about something, but you shrug your shoulders and look the other way." If I make that it's not important in therapy, I don't expect her to chase after me and chase after the feelings that get pushed down. It's only when I leave therapy that I feel again. That I feel like it's important.
It's only when I leave therapy that it's okay to bawl my eyes out, without censoring.

I know exactly how you feel, I get this every time something comes up about my past it doesn't matter who with. As soon as there are people around to witness the words I either start balling or act like I don't care and it's no big deal.

The only advice I can share is how I get over it a little with a friend of mine. I can't talk to him very well, at least not in real time so as I'm writing things down in my journal I think about whether it's something I want to talk about and just can't. If it is then once everything's out I hold the book for him and let him read just that bit. We don't really talk about it but at least he knows.

Basically what I'm saying is take some time before your sessions when you can still feel things and write down everything you want to talk about but can't. Write a list, an essay, a jumble of words whatever works for you then take it with you. If you have to put a note at the top of it, something along the lines of these things affect me but I'm afraid to feel about them in front of someone else. That way she has the topics and you don't have to struggle so much to bring them up.

You have to remember that everything affects people. Your T probably has things that she can't talk about in front of other people, to be honest I think everyone does. You just have to keep telling yourself that you have to do this, you need to try it and see if it helps. Writing things down is generally a good way to start though I find.

Dark xx

"I don't expect her to chase after the feelings that get pushed down"

Why not? If that's what you need...

"It's only after I leave that I can cry uncensored"

Does she know this? You're on here telling us you want those feelings out in therapy sessions, but have you told the therapist that? I've gone to meetings so shut down I slump in a chair and stare at the wall. In that state, that's how I'll stay unless I'm interrogated. It might seem harsh and I might get in a real state, feeling like I've been ripped apart. It can take a week or more to get over sometimes, but sometimes it's what I need. Maybe you're the same?

I also tell people things like it doesn't matter. I tell them listen to what I'm saying not how ok I sound. I tell them: be careful or one day I'll end up dead and you'll say oh she really did mean it! I tell them: what you see of my feelings is often only the tip of the iceburg. It seems to be working for me.

Sorry for the misquotes, I can't split quotes on my phone.X

Kerry H wrote:You're on here telling us you want those feelings out in therapy sessions, but have you told the therapist that?

That's the problem. When I go to therapy, I don't want those feelings out in therapy sessions, and I don't want to tell her that or let her know that. When I am in that room...what I want changes from what I tell you all on here. My wants change.

She said something to the effect of..."Those feelings are important." My response was almost a quiet growl no they're not. Like an angry child.

I can't stop crying.

do you trust her? With the big stuff? It sounds like to me you don't trust her with what is closest to your heart. What do you think? Don't answer objectively, or what you think you should feel, or what is logically. Answer how you feel. Do you trust her with the information you need to share?

Sam

I can definitely relate to you, Dividedtruth89,

And I agree with SamsLand, it sounds like a part of you isn't fully trusting your therapist. Do you think it'd be easier if you could just tell her, "Look, I'm trying to tell you these things, I'm really trying, but for some reason I can't get myself to want to tell you?" She could change her approach that way.

It really sounds like she cares, and she's really trying to help. But if you can at least communicate to her that you're having a hard time telling her what needs to be said, then maybe she can try to change some of her methods too. Best wishes.

Rawiyah wrote:it sounds like a part of you isn't fully trusting your therapist.

I guess I feel like a part of me does and a part of me doesn't. But I don't know why.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that people are like me. That they act one way one day, and a different way the next. That they feel one thing, say another, and think something else. I am afraid that if I cry or if I show any kinds of real feelings in there, she will do a very good job at pretending like she cares. But she won't really care. She'll really just be sick of me.

That's what everyone is like. They act like they care about me. But inside they think something completely different. When they go home at night they are a different person from what I know them. They change. They are tired of me.

If only my tears could flow while I am not alone. I am alone now, and they won't stop.