Hypothetical question from a singleton

So, this is my first post in this forum, I'm usually on the APD or dysthymia forums. 

I guess what I'm hoping for here, is some input from the perspective of the host of a system. A "what would you do, or what do you think you might do, or could do in this situation?" if you will. 

Let's just say that you have an opposite sex friend, someone you've known for a few years. You know that this person cares a lot about you, and only wants the best for you, and you can trust them completely....this, you are very sure of. But, this friend has not been happy with your minimal amount of effort that you put into the relationship, so he has pushed towards having a real connection with you, pushed more than you feel comfortable with, but, part of you would actually like the connection. 

You do care for this friend, and he knows this because he is very intuitive and has picked up on your underlying feelings, but you don't show it, because you're afraid that he'll find out about you, so, you work very hard to keep him at a distance. 

But, there have been times that your protector has come out, and been outright rude and mean to your friend. And, recently when he(protector) was out, he completely disavowed the friendship to your friend, and actually threatened to do harm to your friend. This is due to him suspecting that your friend is getting close to figuring you out. 

What, as the host, do you do here? 

Do you completely cut off this friend who you've known for more than 3 years, by continuing to be mean, even though you actually do like him, and you know him to be a good, kind, understanding and non-judgemental person? 

Do you just pretend that nothing has happened, and just ignore him or maybe just a "hello" when you see him, but you keep it superficial and never initiate a real conversation and secretly hope that he will just reject you as a friend? 

Would it change anything if you were pretty sure that he knew about your others?  
Or would you just pretend that he probably didn't  know, and just forget about him?

Would you want to talk to him and tell him the truth about you, if you trusted that he would be very understanding and supportive?

The problems that you've had with this friend have all been caused by the lack of communication with what is going on with you. Keeping him in the dark hasn't worked well at all, so, why not tell him?

Don't you think it would be nice to have a good friend who you could talk to about anything, things that most people would not care to understand? 

I just want to know because I've done everything I can for this friend, and I'm just wondering if she would ever come out to me, assuming that she really does value me as a friend? 

or, am I just totally dead to her now. 

I'm really done with running up against the very dense walls that she has built around herself, but, I would be open to a true friendship if she could allow me in. But, I really can't stand at the front door, without being asked in, anymore. 

Thanks for any input you can offer on this.

Hm. People with DID often are incredibly intuitive too. My own incredible intuition tells me you are in love with your friend and you think she has DID. One very important question at this point is if she has DID, does she know she has DID? Everything else in the original post seems to be pretty much standard relationship stuff.

Una's question is my question as well. Just because YOU are pretty sure she has DID, does not mean that SHE knows that she has DID. And if she doesn't know, she could be feeling very, very confused right about now about what's happened with you. Even if she does know, she may not know what one of her alters has said or done.

Also, it's good that you want to be there for her, and that you want her to be able to confide in you, but she might not know that. It's really hard to tell someone else you have DID, because a lot of people don't understand it at all, and she may not want to lose you completely.

Eisa wrote:if she doesn't know, she could be feeling very, very confused right about now about what's happened with you. Even if she does know, she may not know what one of her alters has said or done.

That was my own situation a year ago, before I knew about my DID. I and the other person said and perhaps also did things that I still don't know about. At first I wasn't even aware that I was missing important information that a singleton would have had, because in my case it was locked away behind amnestic walls and for a time I was also amnestic about being amnestic.

I had the same question- does she know she is DID?

If you tell her, how will she respond?

It also sounds like you are in the friend zone. You said you have been friends for years and you pushed for more. From the way you wrote your post, it seems like that push triggered a protector.

People that have DID typically have a hard time with relationships. Issues of trust, abuse, boundaries, ect are magnified. She may have a hard time with anything other than just a casual friendship. You suddenly (even if it isn't sudden for you, it may be for her) pushing for more than just a simple friendship may be more than she is willing to give.

Now if she told you that she's DID, then you saying "hey, I met one of your protectors" would possibly be okay. If she doesn't know she is DID, you telling her you are aware of her system would probably be scary.

DID people also may have an issue with a "push/pull" relationship. Not all DIDers are like that, but it is something to consider. She may want to be close but is unable to.

edit: I just read your other thread about her. It sounds like her walls are very high. It took her years to build those walls. It will take years to take them down. The walls go up brick by brick and have to come down the same way. She could, in theory, open the door but the trust to let you in is her problem, not yours.

Now I have also read Formeravoidant's other threads (plural) and nowhere in them do I see evidence that the woman in question is at all dissociative, much less has DID.

Formeravoidant, I see that at some time in the past you had sex (? "physical intimacy") with her but then she friend-zoned you, she is a co-worker, and after you got drunk at an after work party this month you made a move on her and she said you were creeping her out and she cut you off. You then sent her multiple angry e-mails.

I see that you have spent two years feeling infatuated with someone who does not reciprocate your feelings. That has got to hurt. It sounds like a simple case of She Is Not That Into You. Time to cut your losses and move on.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and respond to my post.

Ashesoflife,
your response was the best answer to my question. Thank you!

Una,
I can see why you would respond the way you did, and you are intuitive, I do have deep feelings for her, but it is much more complex than a simple "she's not that into you" reality. I did not post all the hot/cold and push/pull facets, nor all of the times I've witnessed her zoning out or with a dazed look on her face, or with her headphones on staring at her computer with a space scene on it, or acting like a different person, or contradicting herself, or attacking me because I was getting too close, or putting on an act the day after I would mention some of her behaviors towards me that were off, etc, etc, etc.....(it would take awhile to remember them all and to accurately post them)
I did not post all of the clues that lead me to believe that she has some sort of dissociation because these things did not fit in with what I originally felt that she had, AvPD, so I did not post all of these things that she said, did or that I witnessed, but they are numerous and they would lead someone to suspect dissocciation.

I did not ask for whether people thought she had dissocciation, if I had, I would have written an even longer post with everything in it. I simply wanted an answer to what someone with DID would do in the hypothetical situation I posted.

Thanks anyway everyone.

Formeravoidant

Elsa,

Thank you for your reply as well.

I do think that she knows she has dissociation. She does know psychological terms, even though she claimed to not know anything about psychology, she even suggested that I had dissociation or schizaphenia at one point when she felt very defensive. She also mentioned once that she sometimes feels as though she is in a movie.
She has been to a therapist when she was younger and she mentioned that her doctor told her mother(she must have been under 18) that she was at risk for suicide. I was hoping to help her with her avoidant tendencies since I helped myself, along with a therapist, and I shared a lot with her about that. There is no reason on the world that she would not confide in me that she was Avoidant, except if what she was dealing with was something else altogether. I had long suspected that there was something in addition to avoidance, and I didn't really connect all of the dots until recently.

I will always be there for her if she wants that, and she knows this to be true. But, I can't continue to try helping someone who pushes me away so hard. I need to take of myself, repair the emotional damage that I've done to myself by not validating my own emotions as I've gone through this ordeal. I will be there for her, but I doubt she will ever seek me out, I think I am dead to her now. I am no longer going to initiate with her, maybe if she ever reaches the point where she realizes what kind of friend she had in me, but again, I am not expecting anything.

If she is dissociative, things like that are hard to share. She may want to keep you pushed away. If she does, respect that. I know I don't like people getting too close. I like a friends that stay on their side and let me stay on mine. I meet them in the middle. If they get a toe over the line, I push them back and then run from them for while.

Formeravoidant,

Dissociation is a much broader category than dissociative identity disorder. Most people who zone out, depersonalize, etc do not have DID.

Having DID does not invalidate any aspect of her behavior toward you. For example, the push/pull thing. That is a very common relationship dynamic, and it is more indicative of a personality disorder than a major dissociative disorder. This is especially true when a person with DID has not disclosed their DID to you, because as a rule their system will be working to conceal itself from you. I would say if she has DID that is all the more reason to respect any warning she gives you to respect her boundaries and back off.