Hypothetical question from a singleton

Una,
Thank you for your advise.

I am not saying that she definately has DID, but I have witnessed her dissociating, and I wouldn't be surprised. I have ruled out AvPD or schizoid because she would have shared that by now, she has been hiding something from me and from everyone. I understand why one wouldn't disclose a PD to just anyone, but to someone who has been very good to you for a long while and has disclosed things similar about themselves, it would seem like it would be a relief to have someone who could understand. I also thought about BD, but dismissed it for a couple reasons, but she seems like she does have black/white thinking, is that also indicative of DID?

Formeravoidant wrote: she has been hiding something from me and from everyone.

Maybe she has a reason, and that should be respected. Don't you think?

Formeravoidant wrote: but to someone who has been very good to you for a long while and has disclosed things similar about themselves, it would seem like it would be a relief to have someone who could understand.

Those are just assumptions on your part. You can share everything to someone, it does not give you the right to extract the same information from them forcefully. You talked about yourself, she listened, so that should be enough for you. That is what she told you.

Black and white thinking is related AFAIK to BPD, HPD and NPD.

Black Widow,

If by "forcefully extract", you mean that I've been a loyal friend for 2 plus years, treated her like she is very special, which she is, shared my issues and deepest secrets with her, tried my best to connect with her so that she could feel comfortable sharing as well, then I guess that I am guilty as charged.

This is called a friendship.

But really, since she never really shared what her issues are, then I don't know how forcefully extract would even apply?

Formeravoidant wrote:But really, since she never really shared what her issues are, then I don't know how forcefully extract would even apply?

That is what I mean, she did not share her issues, and you resent that. Is that right?

to answer your original post, if she has DID, then as a protector i expect our host to listen to me and let me protect her. some hosts have issues with that and won't. our host has learned to trust me on pretty much everything, so she would tell you to stfu and get lost.

however, she sounds like she's a person who is just over you being so clingy.

Black Widow,

Resent is an overstatement. I would call it very disappointed. When you believe you are someone's friend and vice versa and you share with them, there is an intrinsic expectation that your friend will trust in you as well and share themselves. Again, this concept is called friendship.

I am allowed to feelings of disappointment, am I not, black widow? Or, is it only my friend who is allowed to have feelings? 

My friend did share some things obviously, but then stops, out of fear, but there is nothing to fear with me, and I just try to reassure her of that. The process of sharing was originally mutual, it is just that I completed my sharing and she stopped, and I can understand that, but at the same time be disappointed. 

I don't see what is wrong with this? I thought this forum was for sharing thoughts and getting positive feedback, not to be villianized?

Phoenixrise,

Thanks for your input. 


 

Hi Formeravoidant,

I don't see what is wrong with this? I thought this forum was for sharing thoughts and getting positive feedback, not to be villainized?

I am sorry you feel this way. I think it is not really anyone's intention to villainize you. But I will tell you from my perspective my initial thought of a friend posing all of this would be "why the ef does he want to know this about me. Why does he care, I am not the kind of person ppl actually care about and want to listen to." it is from my pov, but i'm just saying it might not be normal for her to feel like someone cares or feel loved or feel that person has good intentions. so naturally we are skeptical .

I can speak from my pov and what I have experienced. I am not saying your friend is like me but at least it is input on the other questions you have posed.

Again, this concept is called friendship.

I agree with you. Only on paper and only objectively. How I feel about this is entirely different. At least for me and I may assume for others with DID, attachment, attachment injury and vulnerability are huge issues. And so while this concept of friendship is normal to you, it is outright terrifying to me. Paralyzing and triggering. So just keep in mind what is within your comfort zone to give might be way out of hers.

Do you completely cut off this friend who you've known for more than 3 years, by continuing to be mean, even though you actually do like him, and you know him to be a good, kind, understanding and non-judgemental person? Yes, it is a protective mechanism. We have survived on needing no one. need leads to disappointment and we are very uncomfortable with relying on anyone to be there for us when we need them

Do you just pretend that nothing has happened, and just ignore him or maybe just a "hello" when you see him, but you keep it superficial and never initiate a real conversation and secretly hope that he will just reject you as a friend? Yes, we are comfortable being rejected.

Would it change anything if you were pretty sure that he knew about your others?
Or would you just pretend that he probably didn't know, and just forget about him? This would scare me to death, esp if I was early on in acknowledging them, it would just confirm my fears.

Would you want to talk to him and tell him the truth about you, if you trusted that he would be very understanding and supportive? I don't think I can say I know anyone in my life that I trust with the truth. My husband and I have been in a long term relationship. Do I trust him with this stuff. not yet But I am new to it too.

The problems that you've had with this friend have all been caused by the lack of communication with what is going on with you. Keeping him in the dark hasn't worked well at all, so, why not tell him? what for? There is huge risk involved here and I can't be expected to disclose things I am not even grasping it completely. Let alone tell it to someone. "trust"? no one can be trusted.

Don't you think it would be nice to have a good friend who you could talk to about anything, things that most people would not care to understand? Yes, but that is not a reality. Even here on this site, ppl misunderstand and trust is lost. And we have no obligation to "see" ppl here. The risk out weighs the benefit in most cases

I just want to know because I've done everything I can for this friend, and I'm just wondering if she would ever come out to me, assuming that she really does value me as a friend? It is so much more than this, my friend. Far more than valuing you as a friend. It is not about you, it is about her.

or, am I just totally dead to her now. You could be. It doesn't mean forever though. the most important thing you can do is be there if she decided to walk your way again.

All of this just made me realize I am currently doing this to a friend of mine right now. I big heave ho away due to being scared the friendship was growing. thanks for making me see that.

I'm really done with running up against the very dense walls that she has built around herself, but, I would be open to a true friendship if she could allow me in. But, I really can't stand at the front door, without being asked in, anymore.

I can see why you are frustrated. However, this will be a life long battle you will have to face and deal with if you are truly her friend. This act of you wanting to give up trying will contribute to her not trusting you and opening up to you. She will know you are giving up even if you dont say it. There will always be walls to deal with, and if they ever come down it will probably be due to decades of a relationship not just years. You should try to find away to give her her space when she needs it but find a very comfortable way for her to come back to you when she is ready. She needs to feel secure in coming back after she pushed you away in order for any attachment to be established.

This is all from my personal pov and I can't speak for others here. But I think that if you truly want to be in her life you need to just let her set the pace. If this is too hard for you or too frustrating (which it is at times I am sure) you have to ask yourself what it is YOU want out of the relationship and if she can actually meet that. Because if you gain her trust and then lose it, this will have detrimental consequences for her. If she is that closed off she is for a reason and you really have to respect that.

Keep posting here, as a NON, it is good for you to get support to. I think it helps us realize how we are from the perspective of the non's in our lives.

Best,
Sam

Formeravoidant wrote:I don't see what is wrong with this? I thought this forum was for sharing thoughts and getting positive feedback, not to be villianized?
 

I am not trying to villainize you, Formeravoidant, I am not sure why you even think that.

You are right that friendship is a two way street, and exchange has to be equal for it to be healthy.
I wanted to show you that what is happening in reality is that this friend of yours wants out of the friendship at this point.

If you cling to this friendship idea, what you are looking for at best is an unhealthy relationship.
So the best course of action for you at this point is to simply let go the relationship.

That is what I would do. What kind of problem that person has does not make any difference.

Samsland,

Thank you for your very insightful response. Definately a different pov than my own, which is needed for me right now.

Black widow,

I am sorry if I over-reacted....I guess I just didn't like the phrase "forcefully extract", it sounded a bit harsh to me. But, your advise is probably spot on.

I think you should discuss it with her.