I want to remember

I feel guilty for writing this, but I feel so envious when people write that they are "flooded" or overwhelmed by memories coming back. I don't have any memory of sa except body memories that make no sense, horrid, disgusting dreams, random feelings of terror or shame, overreactions etc. etc. My T wants me to believe and accept that something happened and says that I am clearly traumatized and don't need more details. Well, I need to know more. I want to know more. My sisters are also very symptomatic and one has no doubt, has more of a memory than I do and she thinks I am crazy to want more information. Does anyone understand how I feel? I want to know. It makes me furious not to know. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to remember. I have a great T and a supportive family. I feel like this is a perfect time for me to remember at least a little bit. I am tired of feeling like I am chased by ghosts I cannot see.

*********trigger traumatic memory of self harm

I understand how you feel. There are things I wish I could remember but one thing is clear to me is that some memories are not mine, per say. I have them, but they are not mine. what i have found is that memories come at times when you are not thinking about it. when your mind is more free and able to piece things together. For example, I've been thinking a lot about when my he-self came to be, and that he has really been the driving force in our survival and success for about 13 years until I came about 5 years ago. And I was puzzled about the circumstances that lead him to be here as well as the close bond he has with my depressed teen alter av. But as I was walking out of work today, just thinking of a million things but not really thinking of anything (spacing) and looking at the ice it came to me that he came EDITED OUT So now I have this memory which haunts me but I also have the knowledge that he came to protect us from av's depression and perhaps I can tolerate his rampages a bit more knowing his intention is to protect and survive.

But i think I was ready for the memory. And it sounds like you are too. But don;t search too hard, and try to relax your mind. It will come to you, I promise. And while it might be scary it sounds like more information will help you.

I may have to edit out what I just wrote. I'm not sure how I feel about it ,

Sam

Have you fully accepted and processed the memories you do have emotionally?

For me, I have to accept and process a memory before I get more.

I understand almost exactly what you mean. Oh man, do I get it! I feel like such a fake because I just can't remember anything yet. Oh, sure. I feel the memories, I get the emotions, and sometimes I can even write down what happened without even previously being aware of it. But not once have I ever gotten an actual memory!

The others inside say it's because I'm not ready, but honestly, I think they're the ones who aren't ready. They refuse to allow me to see anything and have admitted before that they'd be fine hiding things from me for the rest of our life.
~Rage

Thanks for your responses and understanding.

Hmmm, have i processed and accepted the memories I have now.

That is a good question. T seems to think I am staying in denial. I don't know if i am. I know something is wrong with me and intellectually I add things up and it seems pretty clear...but how can you really accept and process if the "memories" are really memories? I have lots of dreams, yes, but I also dream i can fly. I have strange sensations, fear, feelings...but not sure how to accept something I can't make sense of. If it weren't for my sister's certainty and clearer memory/visual of f, I would have an ever harder time. I can accept not knowing everything (grudgingly) but I wish I had just one clear memory.

** possibly triggering for those who don't remember but suspect **

First let me say that even within what you wrote, there's not complete unanimity in your own part of the mind as to whether you want to know and remember.

I believe there are at least two ways to go about remembering. One is to befriend your alters. Trusting them, caring for them, making every effort to help them, seems to break down barriers. This is just how it works in the world. When you prove to a person who is wary of you (or of anyone) that you can be trusted to handle what you tell them with respect and understanding and not run away, in fact you will remain steadfast and help them, it's likely that person will share with you eventually. People in pain have an innate need to share that pain. It's the lack of a safe other with whom to share and process the pain that blocks emotional healing.

Another technique may be to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. You could put together what you have so far, what you've heard from your sister, then imagine the worst possible cause, not graphically but factually, as in, yes, I have a lot of evidence that this happened. I believe I will discover that this in fact occurred. Then imagine how that knowledge will make you feel, ponder how you will react emotionally when you get more specific details, such as for how long a period of time the abuse lasted, which alter took the abuse, how the abuser behaved, etc.

If you can't sustain an imagined remembering, how likely do you think it would be for you to sustain actual memories? Do be prepared for the possibility that this exercise of pretending to remember may turn into actual remembering, including flashbacks.

In our case, John did a bit of both. John had indications that Jack had sustained SA from the father so John prepared himself to hear the truth. At first Jack refused to allow John to know his memories. He was waiting to see how John would receive the information. Not so much to protect him, though that was certainly his original mission, but so that he could share the emotions involved, that John would deal with the information in a way that respected Jack. In fact, John still doesn't have access to the majority of the actual memories, nor do any of us. (Memory is blocked for all.) He discovered the truth by asking and being told both general and specific information. Some fragmentary body memories, flashbacks, occurred around these discussions, sufficient to leave no doubt in John's mind that what he was being told was the truth.

We are fairly sure body memories have been prompted by the gatekeeper. The timing of specific flashbacks is too perfect to be random. Our gatekeeper has stated that John came to learn of the DID, us alters, and the abuse because he truly wanted to know. The alternative, he knew well, were future painful suicidal depressions. There is actually some doubt now about whether any of us wants to know more, and I believe this is one of several ingredients holding up our progress.

Thank you Johnny-Jack
I really appreciate your take on this. I especially appreciate the concrete suggestions. I have tried to piece together what I think may have happened, but i think part of me is afraid of "making things up." I suppose it is hardest to feel open and accepting of other parts. I know I don't really want to feel that vulnerable. It is interesting that you kind of called me on not being "unanimous" in my own part of my mind about wanting to know and remember. My T recently said "you say you want to remember and yet you discount any evidence." Of course, I find it so hard to believe the wisps of evidence that come from dreams and sensations etc. Thank you so much for responding. It makes me feel less alone.