avoiding saying goodbye

So... I should be willing to say goodbye to these people. To have closure. Because I feel like with these people, I am hanging in a state of limbo. I am leaving the door open a crack for them to come back into my life if they so choose. However, I know for a fact that this therapist won't be in my life again. I had asked her for another chance and she rejected me, yet again. And both these friends have made it very clear, due to their complete and total lack of response to any of my emails, texts, or phone calls that they want nothing to do with me anymore. I should write them each an email saying goodbye, and closing the chapter.

I feel this way too, I get so mad at myself. I will say that I dumped my therapist last weekend. Well decided not to see him anymore. Which i know is different than your situation. But today I wrote him an email thanking him, and said I was moving on. And you know what, it was hard to do and I was very nervous but I feel so much better. Like having a bit of control in my pathetic attachment issues. So I agree with salted in that it might feel good to have some closure with these people. Then you are not really thinking of them anymore, which is a major plus!

I feel like I am completely and totally inept when it comes to having close friendships. I've always wanted close friends, but for some unknown reason I seem to lose every single person I get close to. I have always felt like an outsider. In groups of people that I don't know, I feel so uncomfortable and so anxious. ((Although you'd never know it by looking at me.)

I know how this feels too. Ugh it is so awful. I always say my friends chose to stay my friend for some bizarre reason. All of my long term friends live in different cities, so it is not the same. And my latest friend here, I feel completely ditched me. She always said, oh it is so nice to see you and we have to see eachother again soon, and blah blah, not returned texts. I know people are busy but ugh. I think for me I am also very sensitive to attachment so any sign that the relationship is in jeopardy I think I probably sabotage or bail on it anyways. I am so scared of being attached and then left. But I know the trauma behind this anxiety.....

Thank you for posting Brandic you always strike a chord with me. I really feel for you. things are tough. I am so glad you have your partner. I have a H and even though I don't communicate any of these MH issues with him. He is somehow still with me. I drive him crazy but he is weird in the sense he just likes stability. I hope you find the same with your partner. and just remember she is coming back after she goes away (I always plan what I am going to do with my life when my H dies while he is away - plane crash or whatever, I'm insane I think).

Keep well,
Sam

salted lipstick wrote:I suppose that I'm gradually coming to a point where I can start to see that when I was younger I couldn't afford to get close to and trust my parents (because that would have been dangerous) and so I'm gradually coming to the conclusion that it's a lack of knowledge and practise of how to trust and form close relationships. I've never really had practise at talking to people meaningfully in real life, at getting to know them better and become friends that talk about more than just what is on television or what movie I went to see the other night. I also feel closer to lots of people I know on here than I do in real life. I think being here has started to give me practise at talking about things that are more meaningful to me and having positive and validating responses that reinforce the positives of talking so emotionally openly. It has been a learning experience for me to start to share more of myself more openly here and so I feel that I have more emotionally deep friendships with some people here that in my real life. I think we need that practise at being emotionally intimate with people if it wasn't something that was taught as part of our upbringing. Perhaps this is something you can relate to?

Yes. I can relate more than I can even say. What you have described is my experience exactly. In person, it's like I have this inability to talk about anything personal or meaningful. Even if I want to, I just don't know how. It feels horribly awkward. And also extremely terrifying. All my friends think I'm an easy-going, fun person with no problems. Because that's the side I present. I learned to stay on the surface, because anything else was dangerous. Even with my really close friend, who knows about my dissociation, I usually cannot talk to her about it.

I'm so glad you're here saltedlipstick. And I'm glad that we can both share our experiences with one another, and find solace in that. Thank you for responding in such an open and heartfelt way.

SamsLand wrote:Thank you for posting Brandic you always strike a chord with me.

Thank you Sam, your feedback always means a lot.

brandic wrote:All my friends think I'm an easy-going, fun person with no problems. Because that's the side I present. I learned to stay on the surface, because anything else was dangerous.

I relate to this so much. Most of my friends describe me as bubbly and happy. But really what it comes down to is that that is just the side that we have learned to present. I think with time as you and me both get more practise at talking more openly here and maybe in therapy too we will gradually be able to apply some of those skills to be able to start openly speaking with friends also. At least that is what I hope...

brandic wrote:I'm so glad you're here saltedlipstick. And I'm glad that we can both share our experiences with one another, and find solace in that. Thank you for responding in such an open and heartfelt way.

You are welcome. I am certainly glad you are here, it helps prompt me to think about these issues to which I probably wouldn't give much thought if it wasn't for your thought provoking posts. I certainly also find solace in being able to relate to your experiences, so thank you for sharing...

I just wrote an email to one of these friends who had completely pulled away without explanation. I said goodbye. I said I'm moving on and I wished him the best. Oh but how much my heart hurts.

thinking of you

Thank you divided. means a lot.

brandic wrote:I just wrote an email to one of these friends who had completely pulled away without explanation. I said goodbye. I said I'm moving on and I wished him the best. Oh but how much my heart hurts.

I think it was good that you did that, it will probably help give you some closure. I'm thinking of you also, take care.