avoiding saying goodbye

I'm not quite sure how or where to start this one. I guess I'll just jump right in.

I've been quite anxious this evening because I've been thinking about several people in my life who have either actively or passively ousted me from their lives. Two are (well, were) close friends, and one is my old T. Basically, I lost three of the closest people in my life (with the exception of my SO) within the last few months. The thing is, I feel like I need closure. Like with my old T, for example, I had asked her if we could have a closure session before she went on a trip, maybe two months ago?, and she said that was fine. I haven't contacted her since. I feel like I need to have the opportunity to see or talk to her one last time, just to say goodbye. But I just can't do it. I think a part of me wants to believe that she will one day be my therapist again, but I know that's just not true. Nor would I allow it. So what would the harm be in saying goodbye and having closure?

The harm would be that it would make the loss real. I can pretend all I want that I haven't lost these people. As long as I haven't said goodbye and cut my losses and still cling to an inkling of hope that they might come back into my life again, there's still a small chance that they could come back into my life, right?

See... I have always let people treat me however they wanted to treat me. I have never stood up for myself, or said, "you know what, how you are treating me is not okay with me." I will basically forgive anyone who comes to me with an apology, no matter what horrendous things they have done, and no matter if nothing changes and they still continue to treat our friendship like crap. I know I deserve better, but then again I don't have very many friends, and a part of me thinks I should take what I can get. No. Wrong. I deserve better.

So... I should be willing to say goodbye to these people. To have closure. Because I feel like with these people, I am hanging in a state of limbo. I am leaving the door open a crack for them to come back into my life if they so choose. However, I know for a fact that this therapist won't be in my life again. I had asked her for another chance and she rejected me, yet again. And both these friends have made it very clear, due to their complete and total lack of response to any of my emails, texts, or phone calls that they want nothing to do with me anymore. I should write them each an email saying goodbye, and closing the chapter.

Is it strange of me to feel the need for closure with these people? It's like, there was never any real "goodbye" with any of them. Well, there was a very cold and callous email from my old T ending things, but I didn't ever really get a chance to say goodbye to her. Should I just walk away and not look back? I've been trying to do that for several months now, and I feel like this is just gnawing away at me. I keep thinking and wondering and hoping that maybe things will change. That maybe one of these friends will reach out. Why do I let myself be put through this? Why do I feel like I don't deserve better, or that I will never get anything better?

I feel like I am completely and totally inept when it comes to having close friendships. I've always wanted close friends, but for some unknown reason I seem to lose every single person I get close to. I have always felt like an outsider. In groups of people that I don't know, I feel so uncomfortable and so anxious. ((Although you'd never know it by looking at me.) There have been instances where I would get to know someone a little bit at school, for example, and think, oh they are really nice. Maybe I can become friends with that person. And so I try talking to them more, or asking them if they would want to grab coffee sometime, but then when the time comes, they totally stand me up. What is that?? I feel like there is a wall that separates myself from the outside world. It makes me feel so lonely and so isolated. The only person on this side of the wall with me is my SO. I truly don't know what I would do without her. I just wish I had some people in my life that I could spend time with and confide in besides her. I have one close friend, but she is so busy with school that she never has time to do anything, even talk on the phone. It really sucks.

Honestly, I feel like some of you are my closest friends. Is that weird? Is that sad? I just wish I had people in person who I can talk with. Who I feel close and connected to and who I know I can trust not to leave. How can you trust people won't leave when everyone seems to?

I keep telling myself that once I get myself sorted out in therapy that then I'll be able to have close friendships, and be able to maintain them. It's just a pretty lonely existence waiting for that to happen.

Sorry if this sounds like a pity party. I didn't mean for it to be.

By the way, this is totally unrelated to the topic, but my partner is leaving to go visit her mom tomorrow and will be gone for five days. I am very nervous, because I usually don't do well on my own. I tend to become a total mess. Fingers crossed that that won't happen... So I may be posting more than usual during the next five days!

Caroline, your posts so often seem to hit the nail on the head describing subjective emotions that I think a lot if not most of us here can relate to. This posting in particular resonates so deeply for me I can't even respond yet directly. Not only the saying goodbye part but about tending to allow people to treat you the way they happen to treat you and accepting it in order to maintain friendships that aren't really worth it. You certainly deserve to have excellent supportive friendships and I really have little doubt you'll be able to achieve that as you begin to process out the traumas -- and I believe there were traumas for you (even if from profound neglect) -- that caused your dissociation originally.

Your pain is so clear in this post, brandic. I wish so much I could reach out and hug you right now! Because I hear so much of myself in you right now. When the time comes to let the wall down just barely, and go for coffee with someone, I freak out. I can't bear to go out with people because of the extreme anxiety that ensues! It is so unbearable that I have become quite content just being alone. And what a painful, sad, existence. At work I am this happy, silly, person...but if I were to be around any of my coworkers outside of the job...this is just plain awful.

It is so sad that all that occurred with your T. I am so sorry. It's an awful thing to happen to anyone, and you don't deserve it. I'll tell you what I would suggest, but please leave it if you don't think it's right for you.

I do think you need to let this relationship go. It sounds like you are pursuing a person who obviously has her own issues to deal with, and who can't and won't help you. Now, I am not saying to "get over" your feelings...because it is obvious these feelings are rooted in something much deeper, and so it's good you sit with them. They are very real. But I am concerned that actively seeking out your old T will only cause you more pain. It IS possible to process your emotions even without a goodbye. Perhaps more difficult, but possible.

Kinda sad story trigger

When I was at my Dad's, we were working in the yard. As he was pushing the lawnmower into the shed, a mouse crawled out from underneath it. It was obviously injured, and crawled behind some flower pots in front of the shed. I wanted to see if I could help it, but Daddy said to leave it alone.

Later that night I left the house alone and took a flashlight out to the shed. The mouse had crawled maybe a foot and a half away from the flower pots and had died. The moment I saw it I yelled "Daddy!", and immediately felt like I was tiny. I sat out there and cried for about 30 minutes, maybe longer. Looking back on it, anyone passing by would have thought a child was sobbing. I wasn't able to even start calming down until my Dad came outside and comforted me.

My point is...sometimes our minds use scenarios/experiences to process emotion about difficult events, events where we didn't feel safe to show our feelings. Or perhaps events we don't even remember. Have you had a safe place to process the emotions of this lost relationship with your T? Because I don't think processing them with her is going to feel safe. There will most likely be too much thinking. Might she take me back? Will I break down in tears or storm out of hear in a rage? Is she mad? These aren't questions you need to have running through your head as you are trying to process feelings. I think it would only make things worse.

It's only my opinion, brandic, but I honestly think that you will have a better chance of healing by finding a strong, positive, therapeutic relationship with someone who respects you and all of you. I don't think much would come from pursuing her more and more. Your pain is very real. Seeing her again won't change the reality of the amount of pain you are experiencing right now.

John, thank you for saying that. I came so close to not posting it, since I thought it just sounded like some big self-pitying rant (thus the apology at the end). I tend to forget that even the more painful, emotional posts can be helpful to people in that they can relate. Sometimes I feel like, if I don't have anything "useful" to say, then don't say anything! Hmm... wonder where I got that from!

Divided, thank you. Thank you for acknowledging the pain. Because the pain is so deep. It's nice for someone to see that and recognize it. Also, I think you are right regarding my therapist. I need to let her go. I don't know why that's so difficult for me. I think about her so much, and then I get mad at myself for thinking about her because I don't want to be! But you're totally right - seeing her would only make things much more confusing. I don't know how to "process through" feelings though. I know that might sound weird. But when I go see this new T I have no feelings at all to process. Nothing about my old T, nothing. I'm the happy, confident me who doesn't feel anything. I switch to that me because that me can carry on a coherent conversation without making a fool of myself. That also means that no processing of anything gets done. That me is also front and center with this new T because we'd be damned if we even so much became vulnerable for one second so that we could get attached to this new one. Because attachment = hurt. I know this isn't true all the time, but it's been my life and my experience. I'd rather have the shield way up and prolong my healing than expediate me getting hurt. Sorry... as you can probably tell I'm not in the best place right now. Just know that I appreciate everything that you said, more than I can say.

brandic - (((hugs if you want them)))

we both seem to be experiencing quite similar things. and for us both it seems to be the story of our lives. I am considering not going to my appt tomorrow with my care co because it is the last one and I don't really want to face up to the fact it'll be goodbye forever. after I had to suddenly leave my social worker because of my mother I was constantly looking back. for three years. so three years later I met with her and had that closure. it was significant. it changed things. but so did time.

I only wish that I was at least in your country. I too live quite a lonely existance. I really appreciate the friendship that we have but I can't help but think: if only we lived closer.

I need to go right now and get ready for therapy BUT there is more I want to say so I will reply to your email when I get back, promise.

Bourbon

brandic wrote:I get mad at myself for thinking about her because I don't want to be!

This is what I mean by processing your emotions. The goal would be to not be mad at yourself for feeling the way you do/thinking about her. Allowing yourself to feel whatever=processing the emotions. Getting mad at yourself=pushing emotion away/not processing them.

But who am I to talk?!?! Cuz I do this all the time. When I go to therapy I am a completely different person. Negative, judgmental, hard to believe but even rude at times at my last session, I feel. I keep on meaning to tell my therapist this, but I always forget! I wish she knew the me at work. So playful and fun and likable. The person she knows is so horribly NEGATIVE! My therapist actually said to me that I am "very good at judging my own feelings." At one point she was giving me some kind of praise for something, don't remember what. I just shrugged my shoulders. She said "Nothing? Can't acknowledge it?"
"Nope."

I mean it was flat rude! I'm not like that. If anyone from work saw me like that they would be so surprised. But the one who comes out in my T's office...that's the one who is getting so much worse at being vulnerable. It was like I was some rude teenager, who actually said "no" when my T asked me if I was feeling sad as tears were coming to my eyes! I can't imagine doing that with my best friend, B.

Ugh sorry for making this about me! But what you said really opened my eyes...

I am leaving the door open a crack for them to come back into my life if they so choose. However, I know for a fact that this therapist won't be in my life again. I had asked her for another chance and she rejected me, yet again. And both these friends have made it very clear, due to their complete and total lack of response to any of my emails, texts, or phone calls that they want nothing to do with me anymore. I should write them each an email saying goodbye, and closing the chapter.

I can relate to that. There's nothing wrong with wanting or needing closure. It's extremely helpful, let's one lick the wounds and move on. However, if closure isn't entirely available a plan B might help. What makes you feel more at peace? Would writing an unsent letter and burning it help? Or having you 'last word' of peace help?

I have the 'door cracked' with my older sister, but just because I want to be able to care for my niece. Luckily, she's not physically violent(she doesn't get her hands 'dirty'), but she is dangerous as is her husband so DH and I have 'rules for engagement'(kids not allowed at her house ever, alone with her or her hubby ever, etc.) I had the door cracked with my other sister(s) as well, but she walked up to it and slammed it in my face. I told one sister I'll just send her an email now and then to let her know we are alive, and when she's ready to be a part of our lives again she can just respond. The other I haven't had more than a two minute conversation with in several years, she suffers from Algoria(etc.).

Anyway, the cracks work so far with my sisters, and door shut really works well with my Mom, Dad, and youngest sister, although with most of my foo all I had to do was ask to go halfway in conversations(like letting me tell them DD started to walk) and they just stopped calling. I asked them to be a part of my kids lives(via phone, email, or snail mail) and they just disappeared. I'm not chasing them any longer, begging them to let me be a part of their club. It hurts, but just starting to accept it.

Anyway, (sorry about the me, me, me cr@p), I really like Maya Angelou for these situations, she said, "when someone shows you who they are believe them." So I would write what you feel to get off you chest, it might not change things, but you need to do what's good for you. You are a really thoughtful, kind and considerate person, you really deserve friends who are emotionally capable of begin there for you like how you are there for them. I really look up to you.
((Hugs if wanted))

Thank you all for your sharing and support. It means a lot.

brandic,

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and your pain here with us. I have been feeling so much like what you express in your first post in your thread here and had been feeling so alone with it. I'm so sad to hear that you are in this pain too, it is such an awful place to be.

I kind of think maybe in a way it could be good for you to say goodbye properly to your old T. To give you that closure and to express your pain about it. It sounds as if you have been leaving that door open just a crack for so long, even though you know she is never going to be your therapist again, and it is still bothering you. I always think that if something is not working for you, try doing something differently. You obviously still have unresolved feelings about your old T and although you've been trying to push those feelings aside, if it's not working, maybe saying goodbye to her and properly confronting the brunt of that pain will finally resolve those feelings for you? I'm not sure but it's a thought...

brandic wrote:I keep thinking and wondering and hoping that maybe things will change. That maybe one of these friends will reach out. Why do I let myself be put through this? Why do I feel like I don't deserve better, or that I will never get anything better?

I can hear from this that you know and understand that you deserve better than how these friends have treated you. But I think it is hard to truly believe and accept this in our hearts if we have not processed whatever trauma or abuse caused us to feel unworthy of deserving better in the first place. Try not to be to hard on yourself for knowing that you deserve better and then not enforcing those boundaries with your friends. It is something you will eventually work on in therapy as you start to uncover more of the history of your life and the events that have caused you to act and feel differently than what you know logically you deserve and are entitled to.

brandic wrote:I feel like I am completely and totally inept when it comes to having close friendships. I've always wanted close friends, but for some unknown reason I seem to lose every single person I get close to. I have always felt like an outsider. In groups of people that I don't know, I feel so uncomfortable and so anxious. ((Although you'd never know it by looking at me.)

Wow I relate to this part sooooooooo much that I could have written it myself. I suppose that I'm gradually coming to a point where I can start to see that when I was younger I couldn't afford to get close to and trust my parents (because that would have been dangerous) and so I'm gradually coming to the conclusion that it's a lack of knowledge and practise of how to trust and form close relationships. I've never really had practise at talking to people meaningfully in real life, at getting to know them better and become friends that talk about more than just what is on television or what movie I went to see the other night. I also feel closer to lots of people I know on here than I do in real life. I think being here has started to give me practise at talking about things that are more meaningful to me and having positive and validating responses that reinforce the positives of talking so emotionally openly. It has been a learning experience for me to start to share more of myself more openly here and so I feel that I have more emotionally deep friendships with some people here that in my real life. I think we need that practise at being emotionally intimate with people if it wasn't something that was taught as part of our upbringing. Perhaps this is something you can relate to?

brandic wrote:I just wish I had people in person who I can talk with. Who I feel close and connected to and who I know I can trust not to leave. How can you trust people won't leave when everyone seems to?

I keep telling myself that once I get myself sorted out in therapy that then I'll be able to have close friendships, and be able to maintain them. It's just a pretty lonely existence waiting for that to happen.

I feel like this also... Especially so much now that Christmas is coming up and it seems to be the time of joy and happiness and friends and I don't have any of that so I feel those feeling particularly pronounced at this time of year... I'm sorry you are feeling like this at the moment. I know it is painful especially to not know how long the lonely feeling existence is going to last... I wish I could tell you when it will end but all I can say is keep working hard at things in therapy. My therapist seems to believe it will get better for me at some stage so it should get better for you too at some stage. I only believe it sometimes because he seems to believe so strongly that it will get better and I will feel more connection with people...