in a bad place *TRIGGER-suicide ideation*

As the title says. I seriously f***ed up last night. After 3 months of not drinking alcohol, i consummed a bottle of vodka last night. My wife is distraught, scared, disappointed, upset and pissed off. She wants me to leave. I feel all her emotions and more. I am nowhere near a stable mood to deal with this.
I spent this morning considering the easiest way to commit suicide, I wish we had guns in the UK.
After a sleep this afternoon, i have lost these thoughts of suicide. I'm really struggling with my
depersonalisation/derealisation at the moment. Hours, days and weeks are passing me by in a breath.
I'm hoping my medication of antipsychotics and antidepressants will make things better soon. I don't know why i'm sharing this, i suppose i just want someone to listen.

Dave.

Listening to you.

You had a slip up last night but don't let that cloud the fact that for three months you managed to drink nothing. That is a massive achievement (a bit like me not self harming for 3 months) and a slip out one night is not a massive failing. I'm glad the suicidal thoughts have gone because you are obviously trying really hard to improve things for yourself and slip up's are inevitable but not the end of it all.

I hope you feel better soon and I hope things with your wife improve.

Bourbon

Thank you. For your encouragement and support bourbon. You've put my circumstances in a different light.

Dave.

Dave, I'm glad you don't have easy access to guns in the UK too. Ditto to what Bourbon said. Do you have any clue what led up to the drinking? It's not a tiny setback, but are you able to give it some perspective today versus the three months of abstenance, which is an achievement after all.

From your earlier posts, I believe you have DID. We're also concerned for young David and we believe he is there. I do apologize if mentioning that is triggering in any way but I have an 11-year-old who won't let me forget about younger alters out there like him. I can tell you from experience that when I stuff or invalidate my own feelings and particularly when I've actively rejected listening to my alters or ignored their emotions, I've paid a heavy price in terms of stability. I'm depressed often now, but it's because of remembering abuse and knowing there's still a tough road ahead, rather than just depression I used to have for more or less unknown reasons.

If you have DID, the only way out, I really believe this, is to build positive communication with your other parts. The lives of people who don't have DID at all but who deny their own memories of abuse or their own nature and inner desires are unstable in surprisingly similar ways.

Dave, I too think you have DID. In which case, medication won't go very far toward helping you. What you need more than anything else is talking with a psychotherapist who understands DID. Next best is a high-quality peer support group. This DID forum can help a lot but there are things you may need to share but feel unable to share in such a public forum. (For what it's worth, for me "private" forums are not private enough, which is why I participate here.)

It sounds like you could benefit from having an accountability buddy: someone further along in their recovery from alcohol abuse, who will expect you to check in with them and talk you through crisis periods like this one. Are there Alcoholics Anonymous groups in the UK?

Thank you for your opinions. I'm still not sure I have DID. If it's a possibility then i'm still in denial. I'm not sure that my my childhood was that abusive. Ok. there were issuses of me being bullied by my Dad and some dubious sexual issues with my Mum, but maybe i'm reading too much into these. But still, my lack of childhood memories disturbs me. I'm really struggling with the concept of DID at the moment and I suppose i'm trying to wash over it. But yet, i'm strangely attracted to this forum still, but part of me thinks this is nonsense. I'm in limbo.

Dave.

middle-man wrote:Thank you for your opinions. I'm still not sure I have DID. If it's a possibility then i'm still in denial. I'm not sure that my my childhood was that abusive. Ok. there were issuses of me being bullied by my Dad and some dubious sexual issues with my Mum, but maybe i'm reading too much into these. But still, my lack of childhood memories disturbs me. I'm really struggling with the concept of DID at the moment and I suppose i'm trying to wash over it. But yet, i'm strangely attracted to this forum still, but part of me thinks this is nonsense. I'm in limbo.

I understand where you are coming from. Take care.

David, I'd suggest not focusing on the abuse or the memories. Whatever happened can wait until later. The first question is whether there are others inside. You described events that indicated that to me. You can try asking questions inside. Speak aloud and wait for the answer. It doesn't always work well at first, you can't always hear and you really need to listen. Writing or journaling may work better. As someone who has not been the host, I'll say at best it's frustrating and discouraging for integral parts of your mind (not spirits, not aliens) not to be accepted as part of the body. You've come all this way. You have instability that has put your marriage and your health in jeopardy. You don't have to believe anything to try communication. If you hear an answer back, keep talking. If you don't have DID, you'll know it over time. If it looks like there is someone else there, keep up the conversation. Again, if you have alters, they are a part of you, of your mind, just as you are. Parts separated to protect your mind. It won't cost you anything and you can't create DID by doing this obviously. It may lead to you meeting some of the most wonderful people you've ever known.

I agree with what Johnny-Jack wrote, well Jonathan specifically. There is no harm in trying to talk to yourself as though you had different parts/alters. And especially that you will figure it out over time. Because it's true. I haven't read about your previous experiences, so I apologize for being unfamiliar with your situation (or if I did read, I don't remember). My own personal experience is such that I kept going back and forth about it, trying very hard to accept that it could be the case for me, until I finally came to the conclusion that I don't have distinct parts, or at least in the way that most people with DID have distinct parts. I have dissociated parts, but they aren't their own people, if that makes sense. It's like I morph into someone else, but then I morph back into myself. I never really switch out of the bigger "me" if that makes sense, I only switch what mask or shell I am wearing (that I now know to call "ego-states"). It took me months to reach this conclusion. But wondering if I had DID and treating myself as though I did have DID didn't hurt me in the slightest. In fact, I found out more about myself and the way I work. You mentioned strong depersonalization and derealization, so it's obvious that you have some sort of dissociative disorder.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. I can really relate to having so much pain and not knowing what to do with it. I'm glad you are reaching out on here, at the very least. Hang in there.

I'm feeling a bit better today although I don't feel like typing much at the moment, but just wanted to thank everyone for your kind words, support and suggestions.