Another Newbie Here

My wife is the one with DID...I think. We have been having lots of marital problems over the past couple of years. We have been married for 14 years and have three beautiful children (9,7 and 4). I have suspected for a long time that something was not right with my wife. She is an over-achiever, has a very good job ( 6 figures) and is a very social person. But...she has issues with anger, trust and loves to debate...or should I say fight. She experiences blackouts, is very forgetful, pulls all-nighters at home doing work, is NEVER wrong, can,t remember hardly any of her childhood, gets headaches, forgets conversations from one minute to the next (will ask you the same question minutes later), spends money recklessly, loves to play mind games, hates to be manipulated, lies and denies it, is controlling and denies it....but other times she is always wanting to help others, is fun to be around, very caring about my health and my career, very organized and generally a loving and caring person. My life has been an emotional roller coaster. Before I married my wife people in her family sort of jokingly warned me. Are you sure? Danielle loves her career. Etc. She has trouble maintaining close relationships with friends and family. She told me a few years ago about how her Dad used to drink and come home and be abusive. She doesn't remember but her brother told her that he used to hide her in the closet to get away when he came home. Her mom is a hypercondriac and somewhat flighty and very difficult to communicate with sometimes. She wrote negative things in her diary about her parents but nothing real incriminating. Tucked into a scrapbook from high school is an article about a molester but she does not remember putting it there.

She started to really withdrawal from our marriage and gravitate to her work about two years ago. We were arguing and fighting more and more. I felt alone and could not handle how I became less important to her and began to withdrawal also. Every once in a while she would say we should go to a marriage encounter or invest in our relationship but by that point I was not interested. Last February she said she felt herself slipping away and asked me if I cared. By that point, I was so numb that I just kind of looked at her. She became friends with a vendor guy that she worked with and I started to suspect that something was going on. Of course I got the we are just close friends answer. I started to check phone records and things and discovered that she was talking to him daily. She said it was always work related. Anytime I would question her she would get real defensive and mean. I am pretty sure now that they were having some type of affair. She would lie about him being on the trips she was going on and when I busted her she said she lied because she did not want me to call the hotel to see if he was there and embarrass her. This last September I had access to her voicemail and while she was away there were multiple messages from him crying to her saying please call me, I am sorry, nothing happened, I just went back to my room and fell asleep, please call me, I just need to hear your voice, please just call me I promise that I wont fight with you and a few other things. It was his birthday that weekend and she said she was mad at him because he left the event and that all these people went out of their way for him and he disappeared. She denies even having an emotional affair with him. I had recorded copies of the messages from him.

A few months ago I agreed to go to a Christian councilor and she agreed to go also. Well he is a Dr. In psychology and well connected Godly man. I went to see him by myself and took copies of the recorded messages and gave them to him. My wife went by herself to see him a couple of weeks ago. She said that he told her what condition he thought she might have. She refused to tel me because she said that she was afraid that I would use it against her somehow. Well, Last week I had to miss my appointment with him and he sent me an email on Friday. He said he was very concerned because he thinks my wife has all the characteristics of DID. I was floored and began to research the subject. Many, many things were clear now. I had the lightbulb effect. I don't think she knows that I know. Now what? I am sick because I am pretty sure she had an affair but I do not want to break up our family. Anytime I bring up him or the affair she gets defensive and says I don't want to be in this marriage anymore, we need to separate, etc. But the next day she is saying she wants nothing more than for us to stay together. She deactivated her Facebook account twice and said that she did it to make me feel better about things but then she got mad and reactivated it. The last time was about a week ago and she said since I didn't acknowledge it she reactivated it. She did the same thing with the passwords on her phone and computer. I am at my wits end but I do love her. Help!!!

The simplest way to get over the "suspecting DID" barrier is to just say "Honey, I think I have a name for what's going on with you". Also reassure her that knowing the name or not makes no difference because you already know her. You already know how she is vulnerable, you probably already know how to activate some of her alters. Perhaps also talk to your therapist about how to proceed.

I had my own lightbulb moment when I lost patience with my first therapist who was refusing to discuss diagnosis with me. I started searching online with terms like "voices in head" and "taken over" and in maybe 10 minutes I had my answer.

I would say your top priority right now is to decide what if she did fall in love and/or have sex this vendor guy? Is it now a deal breaker for you or not?

Um....... wait a sec...........

the counsellor is saying stuff about your wife to you, without her permission so she doesn't know you know???????

is it just me who thinks that ethically that is extremely wrong??

Not the point, I know, but if it was me I'd be very weary of this so called professional...

It seems likely from your description that if she does have DID, it's possible that one specific alter had an affair and another isn't aware or wants nothing to do with it. The entire purpose of DID is amnesia for abuse, so if she has no memory of specific abuse, that would be completely normal for someone with DID.

It may be worth your time determining who these individual parts of your wife are. If it's not DID, it would at the very least be an exercise about determining specific moods she gets into. If it is DID, you can start looking for the different individuals you've been dealing with all these years and can begin to deal with them as separate individuals. You will need to learn how to do that if you are to be able to interact with the different parts of her. Once you know, insisting on dealing with all the parts of someone with DID as if they are the exact same person, one individual, is not productive. As a person with DID, even though my parts are cooperative and always aware of each other (no loss of time), I can tell you that they are far more like different, unrelated people than they are like moods, or different sides of me, or me on a bad day, or something like that.

It seems you have little to lose by letting her know you suspect DID. If you can muster forgiveness and understanding, if you deliver this message with love and without blame, she may be able to hear that without undue defensiveness. But by its nature, DID is all about amnesia of the abuse as well as the DID itself. If you've read enough about DID, you will know that in the majority of cases, a small child endures abuse of a horrific nature, often sexual abuse, and the only way of coping is to segregate the memory into a separate identity. DID can protect one's sanity. In virtually every case, a child encountered something overwhelming and the caregivers did not provide anywhere near adequate support. Extreme neglect is also a cause, but I consider that abuse as well.

Bourbon, from the context Xwx gave, he and his wife have a marriage counselor. Some MC's operate under a no-secrets policy that information disclosed in individual sessions will not be withheld from the spouse.

My therapist has never spoken with my husband but I did sign a form giving her my consent to disclose anything to my husband at any time. The consent has a 1 year duration.

Right, ok! Thanks for clearing that up, Una. Apologies Xwx for that side-track.

Xwx that sounds like a very difficult situation. But, since both you and your wife have now been told about her potentially having DID, it makes no sense whatsoever to ignore the issue. Especially if you want to save your marriage, I think you have to talk about it. I identify with some of what you've said about your wife. My ex often said "I never know who you are or how you're going to react to anything". X