Accepting

"Accepting" is a scary word.

I've always, since knowing there were others, known they were parts of me. In the back of mind I knew the things they went thru is what I went through. I got that part... intellectually.

I told Molly, my inner 4 year old, that the things that happened to her happened to me. That was hard to do. I didn't want to because I didn't want to tell her that I was the one that floated out the window and left her there. I thought she would be mad at me. I was surprised though that when I said that, when I accepted that I was the one in the bed - not really the one out the window, she wasn't mad. She said "I know" and smiled.

Then I was mad. I was sad. I was angry.

Knowing and accepting are two different things.

All the things my others went thru is what I went through. I'm not healing them, I'm healing us.

That is a kind of mind f---.

They are all me. I am all of them. We are all one. We all have to heal.

I knew it all along but am just beginning to accept it. I'm angry- I never get angry. I'm sad- I don't cry. I want to kill my father- I don't even know him.

I have never felt emotions like this before. I'm shell- I'm host. I've never dealt with emotions like this- rage, sadness. I am the hard shell of the turtle. I wasn't designed to feel the blood pumping thru the veins or digest food. Yet I feel all of this.

Yesterday I went for a walk alone in the woods. I ended up picking up a stick and beating a tree. I've never done that. I broke a chunk of the bark off and shattered the stick. I cried.

I don't know what to do with emotions.

You say you don't know what to do with your emotions, but you're doing well with them. You went for a walk and you took it out on a tree. That is good. That is good expression of an emotion where hopefully you can almost feel it coursing down your arms, through your hands, and through the stick, onto the tree.

Acceptance is a hard issue for me too. I can't even say the word. I literally can't get my tongue around the sylables!

You are learning how to deal with a massive range of emotions so things will feel liek a massive whirlwind, but you are doing it, and you are doing well.

Bourbon

I really like what bourbon said. Even though it feels overwhelming, you seem to be doing a good job with it. It sounds like you are starting to integrate some of the feelings related to your traumas, and that can only mean one thing - healing. [I am using the word integrate in a broader sense here (more like assimilate) than the big "Integrate" word people use on here to describe integrating with alters.]

I can relate to your feelings of "I am the shell, I am not supposed to be feeling anger. I am not supposed to be feeling sadness." When you think about it, people change over time, and also there roles change over time. Just because you were the shell until now doesn't mean you always have to be the shell. Also, you probably are experiencing these things now because you are ready for them. Would you say this is accurate? That maybe had you been giving these heavy emotions before that you weren't at a place where you could handle them?

I, too, felt devoid of feeling for most of my life. If feelings came up, I was completely disconnected and removed from them, and they didn't feel like "mine." More recently, I've been flooded with emotion that doesn't make any sense - anger, sadness, rage. And it all feels so overwhelming because I've never experienced them before! At least not in their entirety. I would be watching them from the outside, so to speak. Now I can't seem to disconnect from them, even if I want to! It's painful and it's scary and it's overwhelming, and I understand.

Hang in there. You seem to be doing a great job with all this.

I feel that it helps the others if I can share their pain, feel whatever they feel. But if I really really can't tolerate it I've discovered I can ask them to take it away from me again and they will. That's kind of a short term quick fix though. X

You've done many people who visit here and read but don't post, our so-called lurkers (welcome to all!), a great service by verbalizing that. You're at a stage where they may be or are considering moving to. You're dealing with it about the only way possible, with a broad array of emotions, many new, that I think so many of us with DID have experienced. Once you begin to acknowledge what happened, that you have others, that they suffered, there's really no turning back. But as Kerry said you can ask for help inside in dealing with it. You don't have to be entirely alone. It's absolutely worth it in the end.

I don't have any advise to add. Just appreciation for what you are doing. Writing out your process here, really helps. IDK, it's really nice being able to relate, not feel so alone in the process. Just, Thank you.

Thanks guys! It is good to not be alone in this process.

I still feel bad about the tree. I didn't mean to do it. I was just walking in the woods while my son was riding his dirt bike on the trails. He rides and I walk around picking up sticks off the trail for him. Then I just started picking up sticks and beating the crap out of the tree. I knocked a 12" area of bark off the tree and shattered a lot of sticks. It felt good at the time but then I felt such guilt for hurting the tree. I know I am an odd person, but now everytime when I walk past that tree I apologize to it.

Kerry H wrote:I feel that it helps the others if I can share their pain, feel whatever they feel. But if I really really can't tolerate it I've discovered I can ask them to take it away from me again and they will. That's kind of a short term quick fix though. X

This is one of those things I would never admit to in real life. Um, first I'm not religous but am spiritual. Most of my abuse was "justified" with bible verses- roman catholic mythology played a role in the abuse. I hate religion. My father had a religious obsession- scitzo with a religion obsession. He believed I was the virgin mary and that is was our job to bring the second coming of christ, then would beat me and scream how he was stupid to ever think that I could be the mother of god and I would just bring about the antichrist and destroy the world. He was a sick ###$.

So anyways. I'm not religious. But after I beat the tree up, I went in my inner world and talked to Azel and Doc. Later I was on the internet. I didn't do it but we ended up with a google image seach of Shiva. I was looking at random things and then time loss and then Shiva, a hindu god. I know nothing about hinduism. But Azel said "give him your anger and rage."

Next thing I know I am in a dream world. A temple I guess. There were statues everywhere and I walked up to a statue of Shiva. I knelt before it and Azel was there with me. My hand touched the base of the statue. I said "this isn't mine. It never was. I know it isn't yours either but I don't know what to do with it. Can you please take it and give me something good to replace it? This pain was never mine."

Then boom, I was back in my computer chair and feeling better. Molly is gone. She isn't in the inner world anymore and she is always in the same spot.

I don't understand any of this $#%^. I feel like I am losing it but still I trust Azel- that man in my head... who isn't a man but I feel bad calling Azel "it".

Is it possible that your inner self helper can be hindu when you aren't? I don't know. And Hindu has many gods yet he took me to Shiva.

I feel lost. I miss Molly but I can still feel her- she just isn't there. I don't understand this but the rage is gone.

The bit about appologising to the tree, I understand that. I don't like to hurt anything. I can't even punch a pillow. But trees are tough, it will carry on just fine without that bit of bark. X

This is Self's place and I don't think I'm suppose to be here but I know.

I went school. in 11th grade we learned about religion in writting. I wrote a lot of stuff and the teacher tried to get me to tell her what it was about. I wrote a poem for class about the box. The teacher asked me about the box but I couldn't tell her. She knew something was wrong but I couldn't tell her. She did a unit on world religions. One was on Hinduism. I know about Hinduism. We went on a field trip to a Hindu temple. It was so beautiful. I was standing in front of the Lord Shiva statue and the teacher came up behind me. I was alone. She put her arm around me and told me that he is the destroyer. He returns balance. I brought her to the picture. I remember. He destroys pain. I was nervous when the teacher told me about him- destroying sounds bad. But she told me that he destroys the bad. He fights it. I shouldn't write here but I know what happened. The temple was the temple in the field trip. It is a memory. Jill

Hi Jill, you're welcome to write here. I think some of your others will find that information you wrote useful. Your teacher sounds lovely, like they was trying to help you. X