SH trigger:How do such harmless triggers cause such problems

Self Harm trigger:

So maybe this belongs on the self injury forum, but I know a few of you SH, and I know you guys, so I just feel more comfortable posting here.

I was at work today, and I can honestly say it was a great day, overall. I went in and they told me I could leave after half my shift because of a mess up in the schedule. I saw all the people I really like, and I always enjoy being around them.

Throughout the measly four hours I was there, though, I got triggered. By such minuscule things. I forgot my name tag (again) and my manager kindly asked me to put it on. I found out that there was a mistake in the article I wrote in the newsletter, so every time someone complemented me on it, not only did I get embarrassed, but I was reminded of my mistake and hoping they wouldn't mention it. After I changed out of my uniform I forgot and went behind the customer service desk and was (kindly) asked to not be there since I was out of uniform.

That was the final straw. Do you know the beeping heart monitor pattern, where there is a spike and then flat line, then spike then flat line? That's how it is. Everything is calm, then SPIKE. Then I forget about it, then SPIKE. Then I forget about it, then SPIKE. After so many spikes, the urge was just SO PRESENT and I ended up cutting for the first time in at least 2 weeks.

And I am ashamed because I JUST TOLD MY T YESTERDAY when she asked that the cutting had lessened.

I don't know why I am posting this, or what I am expecting. I guess I am just dying to have someone to talk to about this RIGHT NOW, and I don't know about calling my T. She said I could call her when I go out of town next week, but nothing about before that. Not to mention she would probably ask what triggered it, and I would HATE to be honest about how it really was just the fact that people NICELY ASKED ME to follow certain protocol at work. THEY WEREN'T EVEN MAD.

I wish my window of tolerance were a little wider.

Oh, divided, please forgive yourself for getting triggered. It's so very easy with so many horrors in our memory. John has been triggered for several days now by something at work and we have all come to realize he can't help it. We sense it has something to do with the mother, and Sphinx identifies the underlying emotion, unfortunately, as terror. Good to know but not easy to digest. It feels so overwhelming for John that he doesn't even want to process it even though he's brought the body to defcon 1 and I had no choice but to stay out at work. I thought we were going to have a heart attack. We were up hours past bedtime last night and he wasn't even out most of that time, just affecting whoever was out and we were yelling at him to stop! It's just an unwitting reminder about a dangerous past situation but one that is a trigger for him. And we still don't know exactly what it was. Not a trigger for anyone else, just him. But I do know it's not his fault and it's not yours. There is something underlying, waiting there, a memory likely and I would venture to guess a bad one if you were driven to cut yourself just to endure the emotions.

If you can turn to any part of you who can cope in these situations, please try to do that. Maybe a mantra to yourself, it's just a trigger, it's just a trigger. Because it is. Easier said than done, but we have gotten John calmed down to some extent. It took focus and caring though.

Sometimes I wish I cut myself, because I imagine it would be a great release. Sorry, as you can probably figure out, I'm in a really bad space. I've never cut before, but it sounds really really nice. Ugh. Please just ignore this.

brandic wrote:Sometimes I wish I cut myself, because I imagine it would be a great release. Sorry, as you can probably figure out, I'm in a really bad space. I've never cut before, but it sounds really really nice. Ugh. Please just ignore this.

What is it you need to release? I've never thought of it in that way. For me, if I need to release anger/tension, I exercise.

What the cutting does for me differs. Sometimes it helps me remember I'm alive, other times it helps me to feel emotion. I hope you feel better brandic, I was in a bad place too last night Last night it set off emotion big time and I cried for about an hour and an hour when I woke up this morning. Ugh I hate having to go to work when all I want to do is stay home and cry. I wanted to call my T SO BADLY last night but was scared to bother her on a Friday night!

Issues of self-worth often lead to C coming out and then C often self-harms. Having such low esteem is a problem because when I do something well and receive praise, I feel unworthy. Even if I do something well, I know "the truth." I'm not a good enough person. Or sometimes, I just feel like the person is lying. Again, I know the truth, C knows the truth. I know nothing is/was ever good enough for my parents. A lot of this comes from that, and for C, I know a lot of it is a compulsion to punish for not being good enough and punish before someone else does even if there isn't anyone who punishes anymore. I'll try to come back to this later. This is an extremely triggering topic for me and I don't want to get really triggered before driving to work.

Hi divided

It might be worth asking your therapist whether s/he would mind taking phone calls from you BEFORE you have self harmed, to try and lessen your urge to do so and talk about the difficult feelings that are causing you to want to?

I know how you feel about the tiny little things just adding up. When you're already feeling quite vulnerable and low it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge into self harm. Try not to berate yourself for it too much. It is a slip up not a complete failing. I too am really sensitive to doing something wrong.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Bourbon

Ugh it got worse today. My manager seemed genuinely angry at me for something that kind of ticked him off. He went off about how I had triggered his OCD. Well he didn't say trigger but that was basically it.

I think he noticed that he had overreacted, and I could tell he was trying to make it right, but it REALLY triggered me...for some reason these incidents at work seem to be what's triggering the self harm. Not even my mom's changed attitude towards me triggers cutting. She told me not to call her while I'm at my Grandmother's because of all the "misery that family has caused her." She says that in such a hurt voice, and I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or blow up at her. But I just ignore comments like that I wish I could stand up and speak my mind

I wish I could stand up and speak my mind

I'm just curious what would happen if you did? An emotional attack from her? One that's triggering? Are you in the habit of mostly not challenging her? It certainly makes total sense if you're not, I'm sure there's a heavy price to pay for that. But it may make a difference for you to make a distinction about what's the primary sense of why you don't challenge her. To avoid the triggers that such interactions cause? To avoid the negative emotions or attacks? To avoid specific actions she might take against you? These are mostly rhetorical questions, please don't feel put upon or that you need to answer them. I pose them because I and others here (including plenty of lurkers) are or have been in the same situation with an abusive family member. Lord knows I have trouble focus on such situations myself so I'm also posing them to me!

Johnny-Jack wrote:I'm just curious what would happen if you did?

I guess I spoke too soon. I can't speak my mind because I don't feel like I have a mind to speak. She says things like that and I feel cornered, like I have nothing to say, no rebuttal, no counterattack.

I don't think she's really against me, she's against my Dad and his side of the family. But that makes it feel like she's against me. I want to ask her why she it's so important to her to not have contact with me for the week I visit them. Why she's so paranoid. Why she can't care enough about her daughter to phone her on Thanksgiving, putting her "misery" that my Dad's family has "caused" her, aside. But then I also am GLAD to have a week without her. (She lives all the way across the country, lol, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way.)

((Hugs if wanted)) I hope your weekend goes better.