wait, which alter am I?

Jonathan is quite a subdued fellow compared to me, more serious. I still take the lion's share of time in the body, but we're sharing hosting a bit more. We tend to slide into being up front and often we find that I've accidentally taken over from so many years at the helm. But there are many moments either at work, or at home, or anywhere actually when we're just not sure which one of us we are at the moment, who is out front. The person out actually has to focus, ask the question, then try talking to the other, or "cop an attitude" that's typical of us so we know, oh, it's me, not him. This may be due to Jonathan tending to pick up certain things I did in order to be me more convincingly, I don't know. Definitely since we've spent more time with each other, I think we're rubbing off on one another, not surprisingly.

It's not blending, we've done that. Either one or the other is out front in control of the body, we just can't tell moment to moment which of us it is, not even by what we're doing. This often happens at work where the job is the job and whatever needs to be done can be done by either of us. We're co-conscious and completely cooperative so it's not a question of struggle.

Does anybody have anything resembling this perplexing situation, where two (or more) alters can't tell right away who's out? What do you attribute the confusion to? Do you even consider it confusing?

I don't know, John. You seem to be describing a subjective experience of identity confusion. You are not the first poster here to do that. I don't know what it means, but I have the impression that this experience of identity confusion can occur both in a major dissociative disorder and in the absence of one. It does seem to be a characteristically dissociative symptom.

Well, it would fit into the realm of identity confusion but the entire spectrum of DID could be said to do that. It's not so much confusion about who I am, because I know I am both John and Jonathan, but which alter is out front. One of us is always out front. The body is under the volition of one of us at all times (occasionally more than one during blending). We just don't know who's holding the reigns. Maybe the walls are breaking down, maybe I'm gaining a heightened awareness that I'm both of us, but it doesn't feel that simple. It's like the control-of-body is floating around and lands on one of us except we don't know which of us has it even when the body starts moving. So one of us is making the decision to pick up that fork and it could well be either of us, except we keep going and then realize, oh, that was you doing that, Jonathan, because now you're holding the fork the way you do, not the way I do. But I thought it was me for a second because as it was happening and I was watching I thought it would be an appropriate thing to do, considering our dinner is in front of us.

Yes there were times I was confused and was not sure which alter was up front.

For me there was a bunch of different reasons this happened-

We sort of melted into each other temporarily and became "one alter up front" but
it was the mix of both of our personality.

Neither of us were "fully out" and only peeking through so we could not tell who was out.

Sometimes we'd just 'slip out' and not know who had the body up front until we investigated.
This happened before therapy as well. This was more of a "need" basis that whoever was needed the most would surface and we wouldn't always know who it was.

It's also possible that the lines are starting to blur which can be a healthy thing.
The further in therapy I go, the less and less defined the edges seem and the more
similar we become.

It's confusing, to be sure. Sometimes I'll be talking and F's voice will come out (and his is the voice of a little boy!) which confuses my SO because he recognizes F's voice but it's me.
Sometimes I just can't tell until we talk anymore.

I don't think it's anything to worry about. It's probably good to be cautious in case you have the voice thing like I do.
It used to freak me out but it happens more and more the more stable I and my life get and it's actually quite welcome to blur the lines.
I can still talk to F and he can still talk to me when this happens, but we just can't tell who is who!

I'm not sure I understood your description completely, Johnny-Jack, but sometimes I feel like I'm disappearing from myself. I don't know who I am, I'm just a stranger, a shell that is doing things. I think I've described this before.

I do that sometimes. I like to think of myself as having a solid identity, however many they are , but then sometimes, I'm like wait? What's my name? Who am I? How old am I? I look inside and all I get is a blank, then I have to think of people I know and what name they last called me, which can be hard at times. Once I can figure out my name, then I calm down.
I know for me, it got worse when we limited then subsequently to no contact with the abusive FOO. It's like we were united in pushing against their abusive patterns, and when we walked away, we lost our footing. It's like we were pushing against a wall(a horrible, evil wall), for so long, that wall's gone and now it's like, well what do we push against? So we run around in all kinds of directions. Sometimes united, (anything but THAT), or divided. When we are divided, there is more of the chaos/confusion.

I think we are in the process of making a new identity so we are having 'growing pains'.
I hope I made sense.

I thought I would update this thread with what we have learned the past couple weeks in case anyone else has a situation anything like this going on. My role has been primarily supportive and I'm coming to accept being "second fiddle," though it still chafes a bit. Although I have my own preferences about things, I tend to support John in general life goals. We are different but in many ways we're aligned. I've found that either from original design or because I just have not spent time in the body for many years, I tend to fill in pieces of "me" with John.

Unlike other alters, I don't have a huge problem with John except for a few details, particularly his sexual preference, which runs counter to the body's heterosexuality. I have broad access to how John might approach a situation in ways that other alters do not or perhaps do not care to. So I tend to go about many tasks, particularly solitary or work activities as if I'm him. I support him, so if he needs to get something done, I am usually willing to take over. And I'm frequently better at it because I'm less distracted.

When I am in the body, I focus on the task at hand. So no wonder it's difficult for either of us to tell sometimes who exactly is out and who's inside watching. It is a pretty strange experience, even speaking as someone with DID, but it is what it is.

I sense we're going to find that this is how I apparently attended a great deal of grade school without him feeling that he wasn't learning anything or was behind, although we don't have any memory available to support that.

~Raising my hand... I do I do~ And it's hard to figure out!
"When I am in the body, I focus on the task at hand. So no wonder it's difficult for either of us to tell sometimes who exactly is out and who's inside watching. "

This is exactly what is going on a lot of the time now. It's hard to tell the core from the host or even other parts at times. I am told it probably has something to do with the dissociative boundaries weakening and becoming more like an ego state.