Kicked out of treatment

I kind of don't know where to start with this. It's been a long time since I last posted here.

A few months ago, I went to a very unorthodox treatment facility a thousand miles away. The program was supposed to be 9 months to a year, but they ended up ending the program because they thought I was a "bad fit," despite promising they would NOT do that. So I end up going back to my parents, having quit my job to make the move.

Right now, I am coming up against my limitations in a way I never have before. The "host," as you would probably call him, has made multiple suicide attempts or gestures, forcing me to awkwardly take his place just to keep him from destroying everything. I don't know how to do this gracefully. I'm having to wear his face to the world while knowing he has basically decided not to live anymore. I have trouble managing life each day because I don't have the same executive skills he has. I've spent most of my life completely withdrawn from the physical world, and I can't learn how to come down overnight.

I REALLY want to get help for this, but I have no money and no family to fall back on (my parents are poor as dirt and going through some legal issues at the moment). Even if I were rich, I don't know who I would talk to about this. A nurse told me I was probably bipolar and sent me off with some free samples of Abilify, and a counselor told me I was probably autistic and the unusual childhood upbringing had little to do with my problems. After the suicide attempt I was diagnosed PTSD, and the first diagnosis was ADHD and anxiety disorder NOS (mild anxiety). The last thing I want to do is add another meaningless label if no one is really interested in helping me or at least humoring me.

I see absolutely no way out of this. It's getting harder for me to leave the house, so I don't know if another job would last long enough to get an apartment. I know there are social workers out there, but most of them don't have the level of education to be able to treat dissociative disorders.

I'm at the end of the road and I need advice.

give you a hug~! i really want to stay with you and offer you some helps~ but... disappointingly, i am in Asia, i am not a professional and i don't have enough money for helping you....

i am really supporting you~ find me if you need more support~

i am also in trouble... yet, i believe all we can go over the difficulties. After raining, sun is waiting for us right there~ trust me~

If you want practical advice, heres my shot:
1. Try to find some sort of welfare support program. There are a LOT of people right now in your financial position (1,000,000+), so collecting something like unemployment, food stamps or something like that in another country should help you for a bit. If you don't like handouts, well then you are stuck. It would be best to murder your pride then. Theres a million other guys like you right now, theres nothing to be ashamed of.

2. If possible, find a temp job nearby, just to help you scrape by with the essentials. There may not be many part time or full time jobs right now, but there are a lot of temp jobs like raking leaves, filing papers, cleaning houses, etc. Its harder work, but it does tend to pay better per hour than the average Walmart gig. Last year, I raked up leaves for a good 2 weeks and got $300. Now, I was half-assing it, but if you really dedicate yourself to it, I bet you anything you could earn $700 minimum. If that isn't interesting you, there are ALWAYS janitorial positions nearby. Most just ask you keep the place clean, and you can find most how-to videos on fixing a leaky pipe (if necessary) online.

3.If neither of those options interest you or even seem satisfying, and you feel angry like "Why is this happening to me?", again, your not alone. EVERYBODY is going through this, barley being able to afford rent AND groceries, some having to choose between rent and chemotherapy, it really is tough for everybody. I worked at Papa Murpheys for a grand total of 3 months before being laid off alongside 12 other people. I got a job filing invoices, and its been all I need ever since. I'm still working for real work, and recently found a job opening at a local NBC affiliate I would be PERFECT for. Trust me, if I can get that gig against people with Ph. D's and 20 year veterans of the field, you can get something to. But you have to start at the bottom and work your way up in this economy. Its taken me about 2 years, but trust me, its worth it.

There is help and there is hope. I say this as an alter whose host is also quite suicidal at times. I've found myself in the body more often and I'm surprised at how challenging and exhausting it is to host, even though I have and have always had access to his knowledge and skills. I just haven't exercised being out often enough to develop the resilience of living every moment of every day, but I'm learning. NicS gives some terrific advice.

If you let us know the country or general area where you live, perhaps how old you are roughly, we might be able to suggest some specific assistance or avenues of help. Our host has a very good job right now, but 17 years ago he was living on social security disability and felt very much a loser because of that. Fortunately he'd had other ups and downs so could at some level recognize it as a down phase. Since you're younger, you may not have that perspective yet but you collectively have talents that haven't been fully tapped yet so do keep that in mind.

If your host is focused on suicide, it may be your lot now to hold on for all of you. If you're able to do even that, please give yourself some credit and don't expect miracles of yourself. Things can change inside. For several months this year I myself was refusing to participate in our system and I am a significant alter, virtually the only one who can replace the host effectively for all life transactions. It was foolish but I was feeling quite hopeless and I can't recall what else was affecting me because our memory disintegrates fairly quickly, especially when we were inside. I was not suicidal because I had the option of staying inside. Our situation now requires that John himself gets assistance and I am here attempting that.

There is a way out, there is virtually always a way out of some kind even if you can't see it at the time. Return here and ask questions, perhaps we have perspectives you haven't thought of.

Woodreus18, thanks. I'm sure you have it worse than I do. At least dissociative disorders are "trendy" in the West.

Thanks NicS, I do want practical advice.

Johnny-Jack, it sounds like you know what I'm talking about. It's actually kind of surreal, like we're communicating on a level most people don't reach me on. "Suicidal host" isn't really a household term.

I am 23, living in the United States (Near Chattanooga, Tennessee). I don't have dependents (Thank GOD, having a suicidal teenager only I can see is bad enough).

I sort of played the role of "internal self-helper" for years, and when I wasn't doing that, I was off in headspace forgetting who I was. This gave me a very distorted view of what I am and am not capable of, because I'm seeing myself through the host's eyes. The reality isn't as glamorous.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I've only been hosting for three months. Knowing that things could get better soon is making it even harder to admit disability.

I sort of played the role of "internal self-helper" for years, and when I wasn't doing that, I was off in headspace forgetting who I was. This gave me a very distorted view of what I am and am not capable of, because I'm seeing myself through the host's eyes. The reality isn't as glamorous.

This resonates for me. I was an independent child who functioned a great deal in the real world for several years. When I went inside at age 10 I continued to function as a sort of internal helper for John for a couple decades. I'm not sure why but I did come out from time to time but because John would have known it wasn't just him on automatic pilot I began to think of myself as him or rather not to think of myself as separate at all. I fooled him and I think I fooled even myself. None of us can remember what we thought at any point in the past, even the recent past, so we have to guess for now but it sounds familiar.

I know I should be quite capable of functioning in the real world and for the most part I am. But the combination of being rusty at ceaseless interactions, never having done his job before and having to pretend to be John is exhausting. His outer personality is joking, extroverted, exhuberant, care-taking of others' emotions, and a little phoney (he concurs). I'm quite subdued compared to him so trying hard to act anything like him is just as taxing as it would be, I imagine, for anyone in the world having to pretend they are someone else. It feels uncomfortable. When I am out at the job, letting John channel his effusiveness through me makes my skin crawl so I've asked him not to do that even when he feels compelled to. We can always write it off as low energy. It's not as if he isn't known for being mercurial.

My advice would be to seek out and take the disability if it's not a drawn-out process. You deserve it and if you can go out and get a job, you can then end it. Disability should bring some money and better access to health care. It did for John. He was embarrassed and didn't know he was DID then, but this is a serious condition. Very, very challenging and you should not underestimate its impact on your ability to get work and function normally. The only problem is that it can be a trap if you allow it to define you. Consider it as a safety net for a period of time. If you're closer to getting a job, it might be preferable to focus your immediate energy on that. You do need access to a therapist if at all possible and I believe that might take priority over working. Only you and your system can determine that.

No, "suicidal host" isn't a common term or experience out there. But at least it is very common on this board! I could give further thoughts but perhaps I'll wait until you reply.

Yeah, we're pretty much opposites, too. He's generally very outgoing, impulsive, and more "edgy" than me. He's in a fraternity. I read books and identify as female. Oh, and I practice witchcraft. We do not get along.

I don't really know how I would go about getting disability if I chose to go that route. Not only is it a nightmare for people with invisible illnesses, I've heard people depend on their doctor's word, and I don't have a regular doctor. I had one for about 3 years, but he just prescribed Adderall and some mild anxiety meds. I never talked to him about anything serious, and it's been months since our last appointment. I don't really know who could vouch for me.

It's a catch-22. You have to have money to get disability, and disability to get money...

My host was completely enmeshed in his fraternity at college, becoming president and wasting valuable time there. I have no doubt I influenced him to attend our father's alma mater, because at that time I myself was still quite respectful of the father. But no doubt influenced by reckless Quato, who hated the man and didn't want us to end up like him in any way, John subconsciously sabotaged the college career with incompletes. John began to identify as gay, whereas I was straight. What a mess we have both been in, Grey Kameleon. Are you still in college? If so, you would want to get assistance on campus.

It sounds as if you are a female alter then. Is he entirely aware of you, of any others, and the DID? Are you aware of your entire system as well? I presume you're attempting to pass as your host? John got disability for clinical depression, an invisible illness, but that was in Massachusetts, which is comparatively supportive of health issues. I don't think it cost him anything. I don't recall many specifics because our memory access is poor. I believe if you actually walked into an emergency room and announced your situation, that you are an alter of someone who has DID and that he is extremely suicidal, you might get the help you need. This would likely mean being in a psych ward for a few days to prevent suicide. I am not recommending that without more thought, however. I would do that if I were somewhere and my host were committed to suicide. I think. I might just as well go along with him as I'm used to him being the boss, as much as it wounds me to say that. Yes, that was very bitter medicine stating that.

Just a quick suggestion to add to a very insightful post. Our host is currently sleeping and I've been thrust out into the front to cover while Kero heals. One of the "tricks" I use is to keep notes on everything I do to maintain the body. I keep track of who I interact with, basic notes to keep conversations straight, things that need to be done each day (like eating, laundry, work), and questions I have so that I can break them down logically when I have time. Being Kero is hard work and while I am an internal helper also, there are a ton of things that are appearently done on auto-pilot that I have no recollection of. The notes allow me to keep track of "real time", something I'm not used to doing. The notes are also something Kero will need upon return to ease the host's transition back.

Not Kero

I was actually in Massachusetts for two months. That treatment facility was there. If I had the means I would move back in a heartbeat.

The host is aware of me to an extent. He doesn't really understand that I'm not just one of his "moods". He's been unwilling to communicate from the start and is intent on feeling sorry for himself.

I don't have full awareness of the distant past, but I can keep track of most of what happens in the present. Some memories are blurrier than others.

I'm not in school right now. I dropped out last year and owe them money as a result. I thought I could get a medical withdrawal, but I wasn't able to get documentation in time.

I don't think the host is dangerous as long as I leave him alone. If I move back to his town (where I have a job offer), I might be breaking some unwritten agreement. I don't feel like I could manage the job without him (it's fast food, and he's faster than me), but I don't know if he could manage it at all.

The thought of turning down a job, any job, is horrible to me. But so many things could go wrong with it. Also, I'll be living either with my boss or in a hotel room for the first month. After that, I'll barely be making enough to pay rent, without adding treatment to the list of expenses.