The amount of abuse is just setting in...

tylas
"if u believe strongly that you endered cult abuse than u probably did." Way glad im past needing people to validate me, or my experiences. Yet even more glad for all they people i have that do.

I have 130 yet to meet!~ I almost have met half of them!


I am so TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm at the point for the past few days where I don't want to remember. I feel like this frame of mind isn't just temporary. I don't want to know any more. I have new compassion for one sister, also abused, who refuses to remember or contemplate the abuse. I know the basic outline of abuse. I know the type and timelines of it and basically when the alters were there and for what, why, for how long. I know via flashbacks some specifics of what happened but little direct memory of the absolute worst stuff. Just journaling and flashbacks to convince me it was sadly all real. But the idea of actually remembering the hundreds and hundreds of incidents of the mother's physical abuse and the father's sexual abuse, yes, I don't want them back.

Meanwhile, I know that's not a viable choice, not a healthy one ultimately. Almost all past memory is shut off. I can pull some general things but it's so much harder than before. My alters have no memory other than what they remembered and we recorded before the faucet was turned off. So part of our experience is like we didn't use to exist. We can't continue forever like this. But recalling everything, the details, the terror, the coercion, the helplessness, the lies, manipulation of our innocence. No wonder I was amnesic of my and their abuse. It is unfathomable that two people who could not only pass for normal but were beloved by so many could have done such evil things. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't want to face those relatives and family friends or even my friends who will ignore me or become angry or disgusted or avoidant for my having divulged. I know it doesn't matter what others think but I can't deal with this in a vacuum, I need support from people I know, people who should care about me. The support so far has been mostly quite disappointing. It is simply overwhelming.

It's not like you are thinking... you recall enough of the abuse to heal and in a non-traumatic way as long as you have a good therapist.

tylas, u wrote "You can depending on how you brain interpreted things that occured in your childhood." Well there r all sorts of memories that r stored n the brain. However body memory is not stored n the brain. It is stored n the body. Scientists now recognize there is memory capacity in virtually every cell of the body. This is part of the reason why transplant reciepients have been shown to start manifesting some characteristics of their donor. There has even been cases of the recipents having dreams of exactly how the donor died. Body memory is dead on though non-verbal. This is also the case with implicit memory.

Here is some good info on Body Memory from the DID:

I have read a lot on it, but I would need to study it a bit before I respond.

This popularly-used term is actually a misnomer. The body does not have neurons capable of remembering; only the brain does. The term refers to body sensations that symbolically or literally captures some aspect of the trauma. Sensory impulses are recorded in the parietal lobes of the brain, and these remembrances of bodily sensations can be felt when similar occurrences or cues restimulate the stored memories.(Lenore Terr, M.D., personal correspondence, 31 August 1994). For example, a person who was raped may later experience pelvic pain similar to that experienced at the time of the event. This type of bodily sensation may occur in any sensory mode: tactile, taste, smell, kinesthetic, or sight. Body memories may be diagnosed as somatoform disorder. See also somatic memory.

http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=38&sectionid=4