Just found out: So many questions

Hi. I have known about this thing about me for about a month, maybe less. My first huge reality check on it came 2 or 3 nights ago when I woke up in the neighbor's shed in the backyard. My initial response was that I had been kidnapped and drugged. (I was feeling very tired as if I had taken some sleeping pills.) I came out of the backyard only to find that I was just across the street from my own house. When I walked into the house, my roommate called out to me and when I answered she came running into the hallway and threw her arms around me. I had been "gone" for about 2 weeks. Last I remembered was going to bed on October 23rd and then waking up in the shed on November 2nd.

Emotions started spilling out when I realized that I had missed so much and done so much without actually being there. I had gone to work, spoken with my co-workers and I even met someone and had gone to a football game with her. I had been texting and emailing with this person for a couple weeks.

I really had only about 2 weeks of hearing about these people that my roommate had spoken to though me before I went missing. At that time it had just been words, not real. I didn't think my roommate was lying to me, but I didn't truly believe her or take what she had to say to heart. It seemed very confusing to me. It just didn't seem real.

I just wonder if this is typical of dissociative identity disorder. I mean, are there any hard set rules on this so that I can determine if I really have other people living inside me? I don't have medical insurance to go to a doctor and be diagnosed. All of the information I have has come from my roommate, bless her and all she has gone through.

I have had a therapist in the past make references to me having something with the initials of D.I.D. but I'm 41 years old and I would think that I would have known if I had people living in me.

According to my roommate, I have at least 3 people inside me: 12 yr old Lyn, 22 year old She or Her and 4 year old, little boy Jaime. Lyn is the angry one who feels the need to protect everyone and claims Jaime to be hers. She or Her is very much like me and I think my roommate has mentioned her to be the calm one, but that's sort of a vague memory. (Could be a dream I had.) She or Her likes to people please. She is the one that made friends with someone online through Craigslist. Jaime is a little boy that is afraid and cries a lot. He walks with his back to the wall like someone is going to attack him. Then there is a 10 year old that my roommate spoke to once but has never spoken with him or her since. I don't know anything about that child or even if there is a true entity or if I had dreaming and talking in my sleep at the time that my roommate spoke to the 10 year old.

Apparently these individuals share some or all of my memories (I'm not sure to what extent) but I don't have any of theirs. Is this typical? I mean will I have any secrets or will they always have access to my email, my bank accounts, etc. Is it typical for an entity to be capable of filling in at work for you? Mine did a pretty good job at it.

I'm a little intimidated by Lyn. I guess I am not her favorite person. I tried to write her a letter by my roommate's suggestion and I barely got a sentence down on paper when she scratched out my words. I had misspelled her name and she made it very apparent that she was pissed off at that in her correction. "LYN. NOT LYNN!" My roommate says that Lyn has memories of doing things with me at a young age. I only remember having an imaginary friend when I was 6 years old, but not much after that, whereas Lyn remembers us delivering newspapers when I was 12 along with many other memories.

I had been pregnant when I was 14 and had a miscarriage. My roommate thinks that maybe that's where Jaime comes in. Lyn is very protective of Jaime and though she doesn't claim to be his mom, she claims that he is hers. Is this typical? Do alters usually communicate with one another alter or could I have a completely different diagnosis.

To date, I have not met them or communicated with them. If I do, will they go away? What steps do I take to try to meet them if that's how they go away. Will they ever go away or do I have to treat them like more members of the household, buy them things like toys for the little boy, teenage stuff for the 12 year old, and whatever a 22 year old likes? I'm just at a loss and I don't know where to turn for resources without taking time off of work (my new job) and pay a psychiatrist/therapist money I don't have.

One of my biggest worries is having one of them meet someone and then sleep with them. She or Her had begun a friendship with some lady and after reading the text messages from this lady, I became alarmed because this lady was very sexual telling her what she would like to do with She or Her. She or Her was not as responsive to that, but what if someday she is? That scares the Be-Jesus out of me. From what I can recall I have only slept with 3 people at the age of 41 and I am very proud of that. Many people sleep around and I don't want to be one of them. How can I prevent any myself from making friends or sleeping around without my permission?

The last therapist I have that mentioned D.I.D. was trying to find a specialist for me to see for several months because my case was "too complicated" for her to handle. I ended up in the hospital for suicide attempts before she could find someone to take me on. So I never received the help I needed to get rid of this or D.I.D.

If D.I.D. is the same thing as this thing inside me, I have to assume that members of the mental health community either are not educated in the diagnosis or it's more complicated that most are willing to deal with.

I basically need to know how to fix myself so that I can function in the real world, make friends and be happy. Can I do this on my own?

Thanks for any educated responses anyone may have. Personal experiences are fine, but since this is only my second time of hardcore acceptance of this, I am not ready for any negative responses. If I have used any terms or made any assumptions incorrectly I apologize. I am a newbie and will learn.[/color][/color]

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed wrote:I'm 41 years old and I would think that I would have known if I had people living in me.

I am older than you are and only this year I found out about my insiders. Actually, like you I knew about them many years ago but then I "forgot". Sort of. I did manage to tell a special boyfriend and my husband that I had some kind of others in my head. Neither of them saw evidence of any others and didn't think much of what I'd told them. Neither one thought much about my occasional lost time either. In hindsight all the clues were there and anyone aware of DID would have had no trouble recognizing them for what they were.

As far as I know, I lose time most often when faced with an unwanted sexual advance. I don't know what triggers me into losing time; I have amnesia for that part. Doh. I assume there was a sexual advance based on the situation I find when I "come to".

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed wrote:Apparently these individuals share some or all of my memories (I'm not sure to what extent) but I don't have any of theirs. Is this typical? I mean will I have any secrets or will they always have access to my email, my bank accounts, etc. Is it typical for an entity to be capable of filling in at work for you? Mine did a pretty good job at it.

Yes, all of this is fairly typical. No, you can't count on having exclusive use of your e-mail or your money. Our insiders are part of us and some of them will know more about our lives than we do.

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed wrote:To date, I have not met them or communicated with them. If I do, will they go away?

No, they will not go away. Try writing to them again, since that worked the first time you tried.

I don't buy my insiders stuff nor give them time out on their own; I live well and share everything with them. I have children and unlike many older parents I tend to ignore other adults and play with my kids. My system is very keen to integrate, meaning to become a single, more unified (if more complex) person.

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed wrote:One of my biggest worries is having one of them meet someone and then sleep with them.

An affair in my absence was among my own biggest worries. And then I realized my insiders have been with me all my life and despite many offers I never have "slept around". Knowing about my insiders does not change that about me.

I hope this reply somewhat relieves your worry.

Welcome. I hope you'll find it helpful, comfortable and rewarding to participate here with us.

I basically need to know how to fix myself so that I can function in the real world, make friends and be happy. Can I do this on my own?

I think the chances are unlikely. The absolute best solution is a therapist with training and background in DID. But you can and really have to end up doing the bulk of the work yourself. And friends who can fill you in, be there for you, are an extremely valuable asset. Educate yourself about DID. You've already been effectively diagnosed so unless you think there's any sliver of a possibility that all your symptoms actually point to something else, my suggestion is to move forward, today, with the assumption that you do have it. I think you sort of did by coming here. It sounds to me likely you have it, definitely, as I do. I am well into middle-age and although I've had awareness or suspicions at different times in my life as Una has, for a variety of reasons and missteps by me and others, I'm not addressing until this year.

One strain of thinking I would suggest introducing for yourself. These are other parts of you. They are, effectively, like different people, but they are not foreign and so any thoughts along the lines of "how do I get rid of them?" won't be productive. They may well be thinking the same thing about you. They are part of you, have lived parts of your collective life, and have rights to you and to the body. The other part that took over and went to work for you, lived your life successfully, should be proof of that. It's all pretty hard to adjust to, I admit, at least at first.

DID is all about hiding itself, so you're going to be getting a lot of vague memories or impressions. Many, many of those will turn out to be accurate. Stay open, listen to see if anyone inside is trying to talk to you. Internal communication with your parts is the #1 goal for stability. So if you get to the stage of good communication and come up with some mutual expectations, agreements for how you guys will interact, and who'll do what, it's less likely you'll end up in the hospital or dazed and confused and having lost time.

How can I prevent any myself from making friends or sleeping around without my permission?

Communication within and agreement among yourselves.

I would definitely try to communicate with, accept, appreciate Lyn as soon as possible. She is protective and sounds strong, though young. Once you become friends of sorts, she may well turn out to be one of your best allies, inside or out. Also important is finding out who everyone is, their names, their ages, what they're like. You should be aware that behind most of them is some sort of painful memory, perhaps abuse, but you don't have to get to that immediately. You may well have others inside. If so you'll want to meet them. Years ago I became aware of two and I thought that was it. I met nine more this year and we're all in full cooperation and are friends. My level of happiness and emotional stability has correlated directly with the level of developing a mutual respect among us all.