My first post - I need help

Hello

This is my first post and the first time I have spoken about all my fears and feelings publicly. I guess I thought this might be the place to finally be able to speak to people that understand, that might be able to empathize and point me in the direction of finding how to control my condition.

I was diagnosed with DID last year. I guess I always knew something was different with me. I have a lot of the classic symptoms, detachment, depersonalisation and also a massive self destructive streak that tries to smash the good things in my life, and a terrible self abusing trait.

Of course, this all comes from my childhood, a highly abusive one where I had nothing but fear around me and nowhere to turn. In my adult life I was taken advantage of for 3 years by the very worst kind of sociopath imaginable and this led to increased self abuse and suicide attempts. This stopped after I had a heart attack just over a year ago (although i'm only 37) and ended the relationship after exposing the truth of who this woman was, but now things are plummeting again.

I have found a new partner. She's amazing yet has problems herself. She has ME and depression but that aside, she's phenomenal. We intend to marry next year, we couldn't be happier. But my DID seems to be kicking in. If things go badly, like she has a bad day with her ME, and we can't be ourselves, I get unsettled. I begin to question her affections and love (which are most definitely real), I question whether i'm worth anything. I try and push her away, I try to leave. She gets upset and I blame myself. I start to stare down the tunnel and feel trapped. I cut, and she fears that her children will see. I again try and push away...more upset. She takes tranqs, tomorrow she will be zonked and normality won't return. It's my fault, I must be punished. The real me and the NOT me conflict and slip in and out of each other. Time passes by slowly and quickly. My head is a mess. I want it always to be good.

Today I feel full of loathing, I tried to leave again but I don't want to. I want normality back.
How do I control these things? People say ground, people say all sorts....but I rubbish them in my mind. It's like I can't listen, I know the things are right, but not for me. How do I stop that?

Messy huh?

Hey SimonR,
firstly, welcome to the forum. You will find support from people who care here. I have gotten a lot of good advice and you will almost always find someone who can relate to your experience.

I'm so sorry things are feeling so #######5 for you. I am also a self harmer. So I know how silly it seems when people say to get grounded and breathe, etc. when you feel that way, cuz when you want to cut, that's all you want to do, nothing else. Other stuff lacks intensity.

I'm glad you have found someone who you care for and who seems to care for you too. I wonder if you are really in a place to have a serious relationship right now, though. Do you have a T who you can discuss these things with? It just sounds like you should probably place the main focus on you and your own healing before making any serious commitments, especially when kids are involved. And the same goes for your partner. If she also has a lot of her own problems, maybe it would be best for both of you to take a step back and get your lives back on track. I'm not saying break things off, but maybe just shift the primary focus to your wellness, and let her do the same.

You ask "how do I control these things?", but sometimes it helps to realize that some things really are out of our control. Sometimes we need to just hold on tight and ride the emotional roller coaster. I know that sucks to hear, but it's often true. I have found when I feel my depression kicking in, the best thing to do is to just let it hit.

Sounds like you need to take some time for yourself, regardless of what you decide to do about your relationship. PM me if you just feel like ranting or if you just want to know someone out there is listening. Hugs if Wanted...

Hi Simon, I'm a support person of a man who has DID (and sounds very much like yourself). I just wanted to tell you you're not alone in how you feel. Your post actually helped me to understand things from the other side, regarding some specific things.

My BF also places a great deal of importance on my moods and how I'm feeling. If I'm not quite right, he also gets unsettled. He also gets into states where he wants to leave. It's so similar to what you describe.

I don't have depression, but from my standpoint, if I may..tell you that I love my BF very, very much. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him or any of the alters. I'm in it to stay. And I bet your girlfriend loves you very much as well. Try not to get too unsettled at her moods, she's only human. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or doesn't want you near.

So excited that you're going to get married! I'm hoping for that so much, but I think my partner is really scared.

Glad to meet you and look forward to hearing much more about you!

Welcome and I hope you find some useful information, advice and commiseration here. I have over the past six months.

Today I feel full of loathing, I tried to leave again but I don't want to. I want normality back.
How do I control these things? People say ground, people say all sorts....but I rubbish them in my mind. It's like I can't listen, I know the things are right, but not for me. How do I stop that?

Communication. You have DID which means you have other parts of you, alters. You didn't mention them at all. Are you in communication with them? They are different individuals but they are a part of your mind. Do you talk to them, write to them? Are you trying to get to know them?

Experiencing a compulsion to get closer to someone, alternating with experiencing a compulsion to withdraw, is very common. It is not restricted to people with DID! It is a common feature of so-called co-dependency and disorganized attachment. I like the attachment style analysis tool on this website:

web-research-design.net: Attachment style

The tool is based on the Experiences in Close Relationships-Revised measure of adult attachment styles.