give me strength

I am dead, inside.

I am in such trouble.

Anger has got me in such trouble.

I will lose a very important relationsihp to me because I have to tell this person about Anger's homicidal feelings towards him or my care coordinator will.

There is every chance I will lose my job.


This week could not get any worse.

Okay. Take a deep breath, and hold on to this thought: homicidal feelings and wishes do not equal homicidal intent, nor homicidal acting out. If this person you have to disclose this to has children, he or she may be very understanding and sympathetic. Especially if you explain about your DID and that Anger is a child.

Children often feel and say that they want to kill someone. My own children have even said that to me, repeatedly, even as recently as yesterday. No harm came to anyone as a result.

Bourbon, are you being triggered by the "extreme topic" thread (link)? I see you posted something in it yesterday.

Hi Una,

The problem is, this person doesn't believe in DID. The way she will take it is: this girl has had homicidal wishes against me, after everything I have done for, for 5 years. That is the end of our relationship. Why would she wnat to pursue a relationship wth anyone who has fantasies like these? I know they are nothing more than fnatsies and won't ever be acted out, but I still ahve to share them and make a huge deal outof them. I'm mortified.

Am I being triggered, what do you mean?

-- Fri Oct 28, 2011 5:47 pm --

that is my thread that I started when this all started to happen with Anger. I'm not being triggered by the thread, no.

I don't understand. Why do you have to tell this person? That's absolutely ridiculous and appalling. Is this something you or anger disclosed to your care coordinator? You (or a part of you) having thoughts of wanting to kill someone is MUCH DIFFERENT than you planning on killing someone. Huge difference. You should not be required to disclose this information to this person. What possible good will come from that? None!

Bourbon I am worried. Don't do anything this woman tells you to do. Contact Remy immediately. This stupid decision on the part of an inane woman could jeopardize a very (sounds like) important relationship to you. Does she not realize that these are just thoughts and there is no plan for action? And that you are certain that this person is in no danger? This is so upsetting, I completely see how you are so distressed over it. Don't do anything. Dont let her ruin this relationship. You need to fight this. It isn't right.

You should hear some of the things I told my previous T I was wanting to do to people. She was able to discern that there was no threat whatsoever, that they were fantasies nothing more. This woman has no right to make that decision or control your life in that way. PLEASE CONTACT REMY ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY!!! I don't want to see your relationship with this person ruined because some care coordinator was acting out of fear. And it sounds like disclosing this to this person will have hugely disastrous effects on other aspects of your life, including your job. This is not right. No one is in danger. You know this, I know this, and this care coordinator needs to learn this. If she is not willing to listen you must employ other avenues, because you don't deserve to have your life ruined over this. If you genuinely were worried about this persons safety, that would be one thing, but this sounds like something else entirely.

Brandic, I know you are right. I just feel so out of control here. I of course shared my concerns with my care coordinator in confidence because I wnted him to know what Anger was up to, as I would any of the other alters. It asn't until he discussed it with his "colleagues" that he's decided to act upon it. But the way it works here is you can confess suicidal ideation but that means nothing unless you confess a plan. Why is it I, or Anger, can't even have fantasies anymore without having our confidnetiality breached? It's just been one fiasco of broken trust after another this week.

You must fight this. You must explain to him that these are simply thoughts, that there is no plan or intention to harm behind them. You must fight for this because this is your life.

I am absolutely livid! Is this the same care coordinator from before? I mean, she has no right to circumvent or strong arm you! Thoughts, and reacting towards an abusive childhood is not the same as actions!

This care coordinator person sounds really clueless, certainly not someone who should be handling crisis calls. Please do call Dr. Aquarone.

I'm trying to remember exactly what was written in that letter to him. I know I emphasised in the letter that Anger has been having homicidal thoughts about this person, but it was only once, and they are not at risk of being played out. I epmhasised this AGAIN in the session today. But my interpretation (or maybe hopeful wishing) this means he CAN'T break patient confidentiality because there is no risk of harm? If there was risk of harm he should be hospitalising me or taking some other precaution than: "oh god, you'll have to tell her then".

I will contact Remy about this ASAP. Thanks for sticking up for me and helping me to stay realistic with all this.

Bourbon

Bourbon, I can tell you of my experience if it may help ...

Eight weeks ago i had an extremely violent, intrusive thought against my wife. This came from
nowhere and horrified me, as I Love and cherish her and i've never had any violent thoughts
towards her in the seventeen years we've been together (and none since). I immeadiately phoned a mental health helpline and was referred to an out of hours GP, who practically told me I was wasting his time because I had been drinking alcohol.
Absolutely distraught at this and the realisation that maybe I couldn't trust my own mind, I
seriously contemplated suicide. Only the thought of my son prevented me, so I went straight to the accident and emergency unit at our local hospital. There I was assessed by the duty psychiatrist and
I told him of my horrible thoughts, to which he recommended a stay in the psychiatric hospital to
which I wholeheartedly agreed. It wasn't until the day of my discharge 8 days later, that they informed me that they would have to tell my wife of these terrible thoughts. I phoned her
immeadiately as I thought she should hear them from me first, believe me when I say that was the hardest call i've ever had to make. She was of course shocked and scared, but let me come home anyway.

My point of telling you this is that, to hospitalise someone, the person has to be seen as a real threat
to either themselves or a member of the public. I cannot see this happening in your case as they would have acted immeadiately.
Regards telling the person involved, I would definately check and ask for a thorough explanation from the authorities before embarking on this yourself. You need to know where you stand on this.
I know from experience that they ask you the question "Do you think you are, or could be, a threat or be violent either to a member of your family, a child or the general public?"
To which you seem, from what you have said, clearly not to be Bourbon. There is a huge difference between thinking something or actually acting on it.

What makes this situation intolerable, whatever the end result, is the breach of trust.
I understand rules and codes are in place to protect people when necessary, but it certainly makes you think twice about what you might share with a mental health professional in the future.

I really hope the outcome goes in your favour on this and my thoughts are with you.

Dave.