Crying when praised?

This is so embarrassing...it's why it's taken some time for me to post..

I was in English class on thursday and we were doing one of my favorite activities; writing an outline on an essay about out favorite teachers from high school. My professor is really nice and asked to see everyones essay before class is over. I worked extra hard and really enjoyed what I was doing. When I took it up to the professor, he looked it over, smiled, and told the whole class 'if you want to see an excellent outline, please see Mrs. Workman.' I immediately turned red and went back to my seat..... And immediately started crying. My 'mom' (an older lady in the class) politely kept it under wraps and asked me if I was okay. She knows I'm DID (she's an awesome lady, and is bipolar herself), and she was really worried. I finally stopped the tears and shrugged, hiding my face the rest of class.

I'm really not sure why, though. Has anyone else cried when they were praised?

This post really hit home for me.

I can't take compliments without crying. Not always right away, sometimes later when I'm in private.I cry because I feel like I don't deserve the compliments. Or I cry because for me, compliments were always followed by a 'but...', and then I was told something that hurt me. For example, 'you are such a smart girl, but you don't understand anything'. Things like that.

I started crying in front of my boss once because of this, and it wasn't attractive.

Know, though, that you are worth every compliment you receive. You are a valuable addition to human kind. I know this, just because you are even here on the site at all, connecting in kindness.

-hugs if wanted-

I haven't had quite the same response, but I have become overcome with rage when professors praised me in class -- got really suddenly, irrationally angry at them. Somewhere, objectively in a muffled place in my mind, I knew they were probably correct to point out that my work was good, but at that point I wasn't "allowed" to accept compliments, and they were "stupid" to believe I was actually talented. The rage was protective, a preemptive defense to keep me from being susceptible to the guilt of believing myself worthy of praise and and then being told I'm wrong, being thought stupid for being proud of my hard work. Rage is a defender, in a convoluted way. The professors could be the stupid misguided ones instead of me, and I could just be "realistic" about my lack of talent.

Perhaps that doesn't relate directly to your situation, but that's what I've got. Perhaps it is difficult for you to accept praise, in some way?

Edit: Ah, ninja'ed by the poster above.

As far as I know, I haven't cried. But I have been told that I offend the praise giver by making a noise like "pfft, whatever". I can't accept praise. What do you make of your personal reaction to praise?

Bourbon

I have a strong reaction when praised but it's not crying. I reply with something dismissive. Many times I've seen people respond with a quisical "what did I say?" look. If the praise continues, I'll say something passive aggressive until they stop. They quickly learn not to do that again. Or if they do, they lightly insert a single piece of praise, then move on to something else. Once I became conscious of my bizarre reaction to praise I've learned to accept a praise-and-quickly-drop-it approach. I've learned to be a little more comfortable accepting praise for things I do or produce than for things people say I am. But overall I don't trust praise. It's triggering.

No one with DID had a wonderfully supportive environment as a child. A normal and necessary part of a supportive environment is appropriate praise. When offered to me, I learned early that praise was meant to manipulate or pacify me. Or it was intermixed with a covert threat. Or it was in such contrast to the abuse I received perhaps minutes before, it was coming from a source that I in no way trusted, so it only served to anger me.

It's no wonder you have an abnormal reaction when receiving praise. If someone cries, I would guess that you were starved, emotionally starved for positive affirmation as a child. If someone gets angry, I would guess that praise was received as not a good thing. In any case, I would be surprised if most people with a dissociative disorder said, yeah, no problem with praise, none whatsoever. I'm just like everybody else in the praise-receiving department.

I usually just grow quiet when receiving praise/get embarrassed/fake act appreciative. I had a similar reaction in a class though several months ago, when one thing led to another. It was the last day of classes, and this teacher I absolutely hated praised a paper I had written. She thanked me and asked me if she could put it on her course website for future students to see as an example. I said yes, and when I left the classroom, started crying for about 4 hours. This eventually turned into a flashback and I had to go to the counseling center to kind of get coached out of that...

It sounds like a really tender moment. I hope I don't make you cry, but...I like you a lot and I think you are a great person(s)!

-- Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:17 am --

Oh, and more about praising. My mom would praise me about absolutely anything growing up. It was too much. Sometimes I felt like her trophy that she was showing off. So I think this might be one of the reasons it's hard for me to take praise. If someone praises me, it's like they are only doing it for their own gain and so they can get attention. It's like she was saying "I'm such an incredible mother because my children are so amazing and talented." She was never honest about if something needed improvement, causing a lot of confusion when others would be honest.

Exaggerated praises mixed with degradation whenever I failed to hide real emotion slipping out.

If someone praises or thanks me for doing something, I often feel like they do it as a favour to manipulate me, get me to return the favour. Sometimes I feel almost superstitiously that something bad will happen to me since I got positive feedback.

I have problems with this too, although not nearly so much now as in my "youth". As a child I was told very often Selbstlob stinkt, an idiom commonly translated as self-praise reeks. In my experience as a child, all praise was shaming.

A landmark book devoted to this topic is Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self by Donald L. Nathanson (New York: Norton, 1992). It is still in print and available in preview mode on Google Books.

Google Books: Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self

Wow, thank you for the responses. I didn't really think this happened often, though don't ask me why I thought that lol.

What you said made sense to me, Johnny-Jack.

If someone cries, I would guess that you were starved, emotionally starved for positive affirmation as a child. If someone gets angry, I would guess that praise was received as not a good thing.

I just recently started really thinking about my past and how it's shaped into DID. I haven't tried given my past much thought (what I could remember anyway), but I guess that's the point of DID. Trying to escape the past. Anyway, I remembered that I never did get praised for anything, and if praise was offered, I scoffed at it.

Example: I was in choir from kindergarten to eleventh grade. During my eleventh grade year, I finally got a solo. My parents didn't go to any of my rehearsals or concerts..or anything else I did, but that is besides the point....so, when my mother came to pick me up on a particularly cold day, I was excited to tell her about how well my solo went. Instead, as I opened the door to the car, she scowled at me and stated 'and Susan, the stupid one without her coat on'. I remember getting upset, but of course saying nothing and just mumbling an apology, all excitement gone, as she raged about me being out in the cold without my coat on.

Anyway, I would say I am starved for praise a little. I also notice I get angry when my mother praises me in front of her friends. "My daughter was top of her class in the military!" "I'm so proud of her, she made E-4 first time up!" "She is so smart; I wish her siblings could have emulated her!" I find myself wanting to gag.


Thank you, guys. You guys are awesome, too! -hugs if wanted!!-

My parents didn't go to any of my rehearsals or concerts..or anything else I did, but that is besides the point....

Actually, I think that is the point. Never attending a public performance you were a part of was deliberately invalidating.

Anyway, I would say I am starved for praise a little. I also notice I get angry when my mother praises me in front of her friends. "My daughter was top of her class in the military!" "I'm so proud of her, she made E-4 first time up!" "She is so smart; I wish her siblings could have emulated her!" I find myself wanting to gag.

This does not sound like praise of you, it sounds like praise of her. "My daughter" is an attempt to ascribe your success to her success as a mother. My siblings and I noticed that our mother praised us in two circumstances: to shame another sibling into matching up or to prove to a friend or someone she wanted to impress how excellent she was in creating a child who could do those things -- excellent in passing along her genetics and excellent in raising us to do what we did.

No wonder it makes you gag. It's not genuine praise at all. You would feel it inside if it were.