No connection. This sucks.

It can be hard, that's why you have to reach deep within yourself and tell yourself "I can do this!" and make yourself do it. I have those worries all the time. That's why I have to tell myself to relax and just be myself. If people don't like me, they don't like me, no sweat. If they do like me, great. It helps me to imagine it to be like diving. I'm scared to do it, I don't know if I'll do it right, I might get laughed at for making a "mistake", but I just have to take a deep breath and go for it. Don't worry if you don't have girly/bar clothes, I used to only own clothes from the boys' section so I stuck out among my girlfriends, but I learned later on that what made me different also made me special. Girls liked me for my bravery of being me and for my personality, some boys passed me by because I didn't dress "hot" but other boys found the difference to be attractive and liked that I didn't feel the need to follow the crowd or be in fashion. I'm always shy and self-conscious of how I act when I first meet people, that's why I "read the crowd". I see how other people act, I see the mood in the room, and then I go with the flow. If it's a happy, loud crowd, I share what stories I have and let myself be happy and loud. If it's an open crowd, relaxed, chill, then I allow myself to be open while still being quiet. I know it can feel like you don't know yourself and like you can't really connect to anyone, but sometimes it helps you to get used to going out with people. Once you feel more confident in yourself and know how to be yourself, you won't have to "read the crowd" as much. At least, that's how it happened to me. It can also be used to give you a good idea of how to "filter" yourself, the same way we filter language at a nice restaurant or filter conversations when around little kids. It'll help to give you a stepping stone, an idea of how to "act" while still being yourself, so that you don't worry about being too open or something. It's not immature. I know a lot of people who have those worries, that's why they wear "masks" and why they only show their real selves to the few people they let in close to them. And sometimes that works for people, but I've heard you talk about not knowing your own identity so I don't think that's for you. You can really lose yourself that way. Just know that you're not alone in worrying about those things, and believe in yourself to be able to interact in those situations. Just be yourself, be friendly, and listen to other people talk and share when you have something to share. Don't worry about how you're "supposed" to look or anything like that. If they're inviting you to go along, then they WANT you there and they like you enough to WANT to get to know you more. They wouldn't invite you if they didn't like you already, just the way you are at work.

dividedtruth89 wrote:

I've always felt like, even though my relationships with some of my family were severed early on, I think I at least felt a secure attachment with my mom, sister, and brothers, even though they were toxic at times.

From what I've been reading about attachment theory lately (admittedly no expert), I don't think it's possible to attach fully with any care-giver if that person is unsupportive, emotionally unavailable, hostile, erratic, or dangerous at times. It's the norm to feel connected to your family members, even unhealthy ones, but according to attachment theory (attachment of an infant to a care-giver), an infant needs a care-giver to demonstrate consistent behavior that is appropriate and emotionally responsive to the infant. If your family members were toxic at times, especially during the formative first few years of childhood, I don't think you could fully attach to them. That's not your fault, it's theirs for not providing that.

It seems to me that if you had even moments of healthy attachment, and probably most people who survived childhood have some, the damage isn't necessarily permanent. You can learn to rebuild trust of people around you because you have something to build on. Obviously it takes work and some time.

I know that my parents were extremely damaging at times, quite nice at other times. This good behavior of the parents and of some other people, mostly relatives, provided at least a temporary experience of healthy attachment which was distributed among at least three alters. Unfortunately, the abuse was experienced by every alter except the two with the least amount of experience in the body.

To cut problems down to a manageable size it helps to ask questions. Do people go out to the bar from work? Or do they go home first and get dressed up? Is there dancing? Is there live music? Is it loud? Is there any food? Is the food good? Or you could just go and see for yourself, with the idea that you're just gathering data. No expectations other than to find out if going there is fun for you.