together in the body tonight

Something radical happened this evening. First, I noticed Jack and I had blended. I knew because it happened before briefly and our accent was halfway between his and mine. Odd, unsettling, but trying to separate gave us a DID headache so we stopped. We talked to a neighbor -- my accent. So we figured, okay, we split again. But in the bathroom, the body wouldn't look in the mirror, so we knew Jack was in it because he never looks.

We started journaling and suddenly Jack could type fast whereas he's usually too slow to say much. So he typed for pages in joy. We were still together and it was really nice, comfortable now and new. Journaling, we invited others to speak. When we started journaling Jonathan's voice, he stopped us, saying, hey, I don't think I'm inside. And indeed he wasn't. He was with us in the body and had joined me before Jack tonight. Then we realized so was Quato. Our thoughts were still our own, separate, but even those were affected by such close proximity. We didn't know who we were. And John felt the least himself, the least identifiable.

Even two toddlers were present in their way and could journal, for the first time, in their individual baby talk! We forgot the wolfdog in the confusion and our gatekeeper was clueless what was going on. We don't think it's integration. But it is deep blending and recognition we've never had before. I'm terrified we'll go to work tomorrow and not be able to speak except in a halfway accent, which will not work. We're happy to know each other so much better and totally confused and wiped out.

I can see there were things progressing towards this, the trust level has been rising, awareness increasing for us as a whole. I see it all began when I told Jonathan tonight how much I loved him for what he did for me, how he was probably the best friend I could ever hope to have in this world (I expressed a similar thought to justjesse tonight as he met his first alter). It wasn't a manipulation to get Jonathan to participate again. It was a simple, spontaneous recognition and expression of the truth and he knew I meant it because he could feel it.

I'm not sure where we go from here, but I suspect things will never be the same. There seems to be a hope and a lightness. We talked about two of the worst things that happened to us in ways we never have been able to before, matter-of-factly, as incidents in our collective past rather than as stuff that hurts.

I feel a bit fuzzy and jumbled, so I won't post as long as I usually do, but I'm happy that you've experiences this and that it's given you new hope and been so positive for you!

That's great Johnny-Jack we're so happy for you! Sounds like great progress you're making!

Congrats!

This sounds wonderful Johnny-Jack! I'm so happy for you. I think that this new experience will probably really help with your mood. I know that whenever I allow certain parts out to enjoy themselves, I find myself so less numb. Keep us all updated on how this goes for you.

Thanks, everybody. After awaking this morning, it's the same. Everyone from Jack's age upward are in the body. There is no switching. It's rather like shifting or even sliding from one to the other. I can still do what I need to do and I'm not so aware we're all here. It doesn't feel crowded. Everyone is still completely distinct, themselves, we're just far more aware of what we each feel like now. We know we're in this together and we have more compassion for each other. Fighting among us now seems like it would be impossible, ludicrous. The extremes of the personalities are still here but the sharp edges may be softening. The last alter, Marc, came into the body and slipped in front, so all twelve of us have now taken over and I/we know what they "feel" like in the body.

The littles are confused and a little scared maybe. But Little John, who returned into the body 20 years ago and has been hanging out off and on, seems more aware of the impact. He giggled last night and it went on and on. He's not sure what this is but he knows it's good and he no longer has to be locked in the self-imposed silence he adopted to survive.

I note that lately I've been recognizing, even accentuating the differences among my alters. I actually worried about creating the "narcissism" among them that some DID specialists have warned against. For me, that was a false concern. The focus on the differences, the acknowledgment of really opposing traits has actually allowed them to feel I'm getting them, that yes, they're very different and I'm okay with that. Impressed even that such differences could exist in one body. Jack very mellow, Dan (Dack) keyed up almost to near angry mania. Little John humble, Marc arrogant. Jonathan conventional, Quato iconoclastic. I've encouraged them to become independent and to step into the body. Somehow that admission of just how different they really seems to have allowed us to align more. Sort of like, okay, let's get this out of the way: we're not the same, we really have extreme views on a lot of stuff, but just be yourself and we'll work through this. I really think that's what's happened in here.

Wow! I am in awe.

It sounds like a great experience, and I'm so happy for you!

First of all, bravo!! What tremendous progress it sounds like toward acceptance and awareness within your system.

Also...

Johnny-Jack wrote:There is no switching. It's rather like shifting or even sliding from one to the other. I can still do what I need to do and I'm not so aware we're all here. It doesn't feel crowded. Everyone is still completely distinct, themselves, we're just far more aware of what we each feel like now.

This is what my experience is most of the time. "Shifting" and "sliding" could best describe my experience at changing who is most present much better than "switching" does. It is more ambiguous and less defined, and yet there are still distinct separations between parts (eg. attitudes, ways of thinking, ways of talking).

Wow, I just can't believe this happened less that 48 hrs ago. It feels like it's always been this way. One great thing is that I can hear my alters when they speak like I've never been able to before. I can practically hold an ongoing conversation in real time because switching no longer happens, though some who haven't had as much recent experience switching in are having a harder time. Someone talks, I talk, another talks. It's the weirdest thing for someone who was used to switching even co-consciously switching. When we switched before, the person inside was farther away and couldn't recall everything quite so clearly after they returned to control. Now, we're all here, together but individuals. Listening to one of them talk is exactly like listening to myself talk, except that I'm not saying anything the way I would ever say it. It's a much more direct experience of them, yet they are as distinct as ever. Also, I'm not hovering over them so much, kibbitzing and interfering. I don't know why I used to do it but I'm just not doing it now.

Jack is talking readily about the parents as being his. He never spent time with them except for the abuse, but he knows now they were his parents. He doesn't have any memories of them (all memory is still blocked for all of us) and doesn't have any emotions toward them, other than the disgust anyone would have when viewing their behavior from a distance. But that "they're not mine" defense, rather that belief, is gone. He didn't make any decision to accept them, he just does now, he knows. Nobody decided to do any of this. We don't understand what this is, other than calling it blending, or why or how it happened.

There may be a down side. I don't think any of us can go inside anymore. The inside we escaped to doesn't seem to be there anymore. I guess I'll miss that but the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. I'm not sure I can dissociate anymore either, which was probably the same thing. Like if I'm bored or upset, I don't think I'll be able to fuzz out anymore, not turn over control of the body but go blank and just barely be there. Nope I just tried and it's like I lost that muscle. That was useful too or I used to think so. I guess we're all going to have to face life head on.

I've recently been lamenting the loss of close friendships. Not childhood ones but the ones I've developed in adulthood. I rejected one rather abruptly for a past act I now know was a violation and I'm the process of possibly rejecting another for what I see is a shallow, limited friendship, an inability to be supportive, and his taking advantage of my generosity. I've changed so much and friends (and relatives) only want me, the old me, just as I was, and that's not okay for me now. The comparison I had was if I were to get married, and they wanted never to hang out with or mention my partner but only me, doing the same old things we used to, talking about the same old things, how would I feel about that? Would it be okay? Not really. Accept me and who I love or I'll find another friend who can.

The moment it happened, the blending together (and I'm still not sure if everyone's here together), was in response to my intense expression of love and appreciation for Jonathan and all he did for me, for his undying friendship, and, by extension, for the rest of them. We always felt this was the key, total acceptance, genuine appreciation, and unconditional love. I think it's what we never experienced in our life, or it wasn't safe enough to hold on to, but somehow we were able to connect to it.