Flashback/body memory/whatever.*** TRIGGER***

Sounds very much like Anger and the way he shouts inside, makes me feel, and sometimes lashes out externally too. I'm glad you wrote it down though, hopefully that helped to disperse the pressure inside just a little bit?

I hope you have a good calm trip, you deserve it.

Bourbon

Last night I totally lost it. I was about to have dinner when this pressure came out of nowhere and I started to scream and I felt the compulsion to throw things. It wasn't screaming like angry screaming it was screaming like an animal would before they get killed. I didn't feel I had any control over any of it. It went on this way until I felt the pressure subside a little which is when I started sobbing. I cried and cried having no idea what I was crying about, I just needed to release it I guess. And then I felt better. Not great but better. Still not a clue what any of this is about though.

(my italics above)

** triggering **

Caroline, granted I could be completely wrong about this. I wasn't there and I'm only reading what you wrote. That said, I believe this was either [A] a flashback of an actual historical trauma, a life-threatening one, containing much but not all of the trauma, because trauma is stored in pieces and so returns in incomplete parts, making it difficult to decipher, or [B] an alter -- or even yourself lost to amnesia -- communicating to you the rage stored from experiencing the trauma, possibly because s/he could not think of another way to get through to you or because expressing that rage at the time of the trauma was internalized or not possible.

Think back to what you were thinking of just before this happened. Did anything come into your mind? A thought? Did you dismiss it? Was there anything about the dinner, anyone who was around? Do you recall anything trigger-like? What happened just before the pressure began to build, what were you think about? What happened just earlier, the hours before it happened?

It does not just sound like letting off a little steam. I've read many biographies of people who are multiples and it simply parallels emotional outbursts/flashbacks too closely. It sounds like what I've read of people who have PTSD, reliving the event or the emotional rage from the event. I've experienced too many of these myself or witnessed them.

A couple weeks ago, a day after my mother's funeral, Adam relived a long life-threatening torture session that was so loud, my sister came to see if she could help and ended up witnessing the whole thing. It was triggered by her, because she just earlier had rejected hearing anything more about my or the mother's multiplicity, meaning hearing anything more about the abuse, some of which she endured. Given the death, I chose not to challenge her attitude, but Adam and/or the body felt compelled to break that stuffing and her denial. This was more of a flashback and it got the knowledge through loud and clear to my sister and to me.

A month earlier, I had confronted my ailing mother for the first time with her own DID and abuse of me and my sisters. To her credit, she did not disbelieve me and tried to imagine and understand, but kept slipping, literally every two minutes, into Mary Poppins denial. One day, after failing (I thought) to convinced or trigger her cruel alter, my abuser, into confirming everything for my mother's host, I saw a blip of anger and knew it was the monster. Something exploded on the right side of my head (a body memory of being struck with something hard), I staggered and backed away from the host in childlike fear, a flashback to what my child body did when the event happened. Her host kept asking if I was okay, could she help, what's wrong honey, how can I help you, and my body could only whisper "I am terrified of you" until I was backed up curled up on a bed against the wall. It was then she understood, really knew. "I must have been a real sh**," she said.

I experienced a rage similar to this when I watched TV and chose to interpret a scene where a father lays down next to his son and puts his arm on his shoulder, an innocent scene in the movie, as kind of how my relationship was with my father, even after Jack had told me, showed me what had happened. The rage and reaction that he filled my body with made it very clear never, ever to fall back into that fantasy again, even if that is how essentially it was for me because Jack had taken the abuse.

I've seen someone close to me who I strongly suspect is multiple too go through precisely what you describe, triggered by a violation which I knew was reminiscent of the disbelieved abuse, screaming, raging, but like a cornered animal fighting for its life, ending with her being crouched in a corner, looking back at the room, and hissing like an animal.

There are more, but I offer these here as possible parallels to your experience. If you can't recall any thinking before this one, be on the lookout next time. Try to keep part of you present as to what sense you have about why it's happening. Your body or an alter is telling you something but, being trauma, you won't get the whole thing together usually.

The better-ness you felt is the good stuff from having relived a trauma or the emotions from a trauma. In me, something always feels freed up afterwards, not gone, but looser.

Again, my take. - John

Let me try to explain a little more clearly and in detail what happened yesterday, because when I initially posted, I was in the thick of it.

After I got off work, I had to run a couple errands. Went to run the first one, felt fine. Was driving to run the second errand when I started feeling agitated and "not good". This time, however I took Una's advice and pulled over. I wanted to scream and let it all out but I couldn't because I was parked in a public place and feeling very exposed and self-conscious. I was having insane pain/pressure in my head, I was breathing fast, my whole body was tight/tense, I was wanting/needing to scream my lungs out but was I did was stuff it because I didn't feel safe. And so I went on the forum and tried distracting myself by writing this post and by reading others posts. The wave of craziness subsided a bit. I was able to drive again and run my next errand and drive home. This all took about 3 hours.

When I got home I probably spent an hour on here, then cooked dinner. The whole time I felt like something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on what it was. I just kept thinking I just needed to get through the night and that I'd feel better in the morning. As I was serving up my dinner, I began to feel the pressure again. When I got to the living room I realized I had forgotten a fork and I totally lost it. Screams erupting from my mouth like bloody murder, my muscles tensing and convulsing... for a while I was writhing around on the floor and screaming, but at some point I got up and started throwing things (pillows and cushions), still screaming. I have no awareness of what I was thinking at the time of all this happening, or at any time leading up to it. I know I've been questioning my DID big time, so I don't know if it's related. I also have been getting awful migraines the last few days (which is a different feeling from the pressure/pain in my head when the craziness comes up), but again don't know if it's related.

John, I think you're right, I think this is more than just letting off some steam. Things like this have happened to me for as long as I can remember, with no seeming explanation. When I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago, I couldn't understand why, because I never thought I had experienced "trauma". To this day I still have no idea what "trauma" I've been through, although I know I must have because all the symptoms are there! But one of the symptoms for PTSD is flashbacks, which I never thought I had because I thought that flashbacks required a visual component, not just body sensations. Since then I've learned that body memories are a form of flashbacks, most likely from a trauma that occurred pre-verbally. It's quite frustrating not knowing what causes these things, and in a larger sense, what the hell is wrong with me. But it sounds like that's the direction this new therapist wants to take - finding the root of my trauma - and I'm actually quite glad about this because hopefully I can start finding some answers.

God ######6 damnit the pressure is starting again. I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Is there any way you can see your T soon? Like today or tomorrow? And do you think self-talk might help? You could try asking yourself why you feel this way, telling yourself that you want to figure this out and help yourself feel better. Maybe try writing or typing like you did when you first posted this? Even if it's just a bunch of angry icons or a typed-out scream like "AAAHHH!" It might help as some sort of outlet for this pressure. Perhaps you can let yourself throw things, like pillows, before the pressure gets worse? Kat used to make me feel pressure and headaches like this, and used to explode into a violent rage at seemingly random moments. Maybe listening to some loud and/or angry music might help? I know it helped Kat to be able to "lose" herself in the music and sometimes scream along to it. I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. *hugs if wanted* I wish I could give more helpful advice.

I'm sure it is more than letting off steam.

Would it happen if you just didn't fight it, just let it happen? Obviously when driving best not but if you're at home what's to stop you from not fighting the feelings and just letting yur body do what it wants to do, whether thats screaming, crying, rolling around the floor, throwing cushions etc. None of that seems dangerous to me?

Bourbon

Caroline, what you are describing is an abreaction of dissociated trauma. This is a hallmark of PTSD in all its variants, and in DID. Were you alone? Did you have anyone to support you in person?

I had a very similar abreaction a few months ago, complete with the prodromal awareness that something is wrong, something awful is about to happen, the pressure inside the head, the primal scream, and the overwhelming and totally inexplicable somatic and emotional "stuff" welling up from somewhere inside. It came in two parts. The first part I was alone in the house and let it rip, but I knew it wasn't finished. The second part I arranged. I called my husband to come home from work to ensure I had total privacy and safety, and I set up a phone call with my therapist. She talked me through it, helped me stay in an observing state and detach from it a little. I described what happened earlier, which triggered a replay of the whole thing, but this time it was slightly more of a memory than a reliving, and I was able to notice some details. Visual details included a distinctive garment worn by someone, and a particular chair from my family home.

Some authorities on treating trauma and dissociation argue that uncontrolled abreactions can do more harm than good. They advocate teaching the client specific skills, then helping the client work through the trauma in more manageable chunks, in a more controlled and less re-traumatizing way. Here are two good self-help books that are relevant:

Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress by Elizabeth G. Vermilyea (The Sidran Press, 2007)

8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery: Take-Charge Strategies to Empower Your Healing by Babette Rothschild (W. W. Norton & Company, 2010)

What you described sounded really similar to the seizure episode I had last summer...I remember calling my T immediately afterward in the hospital and telling her it felt like a flashback. I had kind of forgotten this, cuz I thought flashbacks had to have visual components too.

Def talk about this with your T...now I am thinking I need to give my T more info about how I wasn't always calling the "seizure incident" a seizure, I was referring to it as a flashback!

As una said, an uncontrolled abreaction would be pretty #######5. If my seizure was an uncontrolled abreaction, I will tell you one thing: if this happens to you, and you let it escalate, you won't be able to just pull off the road. It will literally take over. Get help for this fast, and see if you can see your T asap to talk about what you should do next time you feel like this. It sounds like you did a good job at noticing that there was about to be a problem, so I'm proud of you for that.

Remember that if it happens again. My T has me doing this grounding exercise before I leave her office. Focus on your breath and one external thing, like the sound of the cars passing by. Put both feet on the floor, and place your hands somewhere on your body, just focusing on what is happening physically.

Hugs if you want them. I have faith in you!

When these happen if away from your Ts, take care of your body. If you can sit or lay down, do it. But try not to go 100% into the flashback. I've found it's not wise to stuff it if you still don't have information what it's about because it can keep coming back. The flashback can tell you something if you are open. I've found it's possible to have a muted awareness, not in every second but floating around, that you are having a flashback and you are not the flashback. In other words, some of the time you can be aware what's happening and won't be as afraid or overwhelmed. I'm affected by whatever emotions come up but I don't disappear. If you can stay open, you may be able to sense what it's all about. Remain inquisitive, ask inside for help (even if you don't think you have others, which you may or may not in the classic DID sense), ask the body to help you. In other words, you don't want to just let the flashback flood you and take you over without learning from it and possibly processing out some of it.

I think it's clear your body experienced trauma.

Okay, I usually don't recommend Wikipedia, though it's fine and I use it, printed material will be much more complete and practical, but you may need info now, so check the articles on:
Flashback (psychology)
Abreaction
Psychological trauma