ended therapy... very mixed feelings

So today I sent my therapist an email that ended our therapy together. I'm quite honestly not sure why I'm sharing it on here, since I'm not even sure how I feel about it. I have mixed feelings. A part of me feels like it was needed, since it was a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship. Another part of me feels like I don't want to let her go, and that I made a mistake in doing so. My younger parts are extremely sad and confused.

Let me explain why I had issues with the relationship.

Well first of all, we would talk between one and three hours on the phone every week, just because I wanted to talk. It was never a scheduled "phone session." It was always last minute. I would text her and ask if she was available, and she would typically say something like, I'll call in 5 minutes, or I'll call in an hour. It was usually not urgent; I was just feeling lonely or sad or something of that nature. And she never once charged me for any of the phone time. Ever. Our conversations on average lasted between an hour to an hour and a half. That doesn't quite seem healthy. Or am I just overreacting? She would call me while she was driving long distance... she would call me while she was walking her dogs... she would call me while she was at the beach... Her work number was the same number as her personal cell phone. I also had an issue with this, since she told me that if I called or texted late at night, that it would wake her up. I told her she needed a confidential voice line that her clients can call anytime, 24/7 and not have to worry about waking her up! So she got a voicemail line (for me, I'm assuming), and I started leaving messages on that, since that felt safer and a better boundary. But I would still text her on her personal cell phone. Okay so that is issue #1.

Issue number 2 - boundary issues. She would encourage the daily communication back and forth (texting, phone calls, emails) rather than setting up boundaries about it. Whenever I wrote her an email, she would usually write me an email (of equal length) back almost immediately (within a day). Whenever I would text, she would usually text back within the hour, usually more like within 10 minutes. Back and forth texting conversations were common. Whenever I would call, she would almost always call back immediately. There has been little to no space between us these last four months. Daily back and forth communication. I've been reaching out more and more, and becoming more and more dependent on her and she's been responding promptly and attentively (but, it seems, too much). Sorry I feel as though I'm rambling... am I making any sense??

Our relationship has actually made me very unstable over the last few months. Rather than getting better since I started seeing her (five months ago), I feel like I've been getting worse. I've been looking to her for advice, assurance, everything. I began to feel less and less competent, and less and less powerful. I think she liked being needed, and played into it. Whenever there were times where I tried creating space by taking a week off of therapy for example, when things felt overwhelming between us, she would say that I should face whatever the issue was, rather than run from it. I think she kept me co-dependent. I don't know. Again, maybe I'm overreacting.

Another issue - DID diagnosis. From about a month into therapy, she was very adamant about me having DID (well, DID/DDNOS). She was convinced I had "parts" that were more defined than just typical ego states. She acted 100% sure. I would ask her questions like, Is there any doubt in your mind that I have DID? And she would answer, no. OKay so fast-forward to this past Friday. We had had a very intense in person session on Thursday, and I felt like I needed to discuss it with her on Friday (on the phone). Again, I think a therapist with proper boundaries would make me wait until our next in person session to talk about it, but this is the nature of our relationship. So she called me on Friday and we talked for about an hour and a half (again, time that I don't pay her for). During this phone conversation, she said, "You know, I'm not even sure you have DID/DDNOS. It might be that you just have ego states. A little more defined than most people, but ego states nontheless." Or something like that. After our conversation I thought, are you kidding me? So now you're questioning the diagnosis that you've been so adamant about ever since the beginning? Talk about a mind trip.

I could go on with more examples, but I feel like you get the idea. Maybe?? Or maybe I'm just talking in circles?

I tend to doubt and question myself, because I am so often pulled so many different directions, it's hard to tell what is accurate and what is me overreacting. I'm wondering if I overreacted. But I also wonder if my wanting to get back in touch with her is part of the needy cycle I was in with her. Always reaching out, always needing reassurance... the young parts really miss her and really don't understand. My SO has actually been doing a really good job of explaining it to them. But they are very sad and wanting to text my therapist. There have been times I've almost given in, but then I catch myself.

I question her level of professionalism. She behaved more like a mom toward me than a therapist, who is supposed to create rules and boundaries to protect the therapeutic relationship. She didn't really seem to have very many rules or boundaries. If I wanted to talk, she was available to talk. The only time she wouldn't is if she was at some dinner party or something and didn't have any privacy. Just the fact that I would know that she would be at a dinner party disturbs me... Why is she telling me this stuff!!

She also told me on Friday (during our phone conversation) that our session on Thursday had been so difficult for her that she had to contact her own therapist to try to work out what happened, and to try to process her own feelings about it. She told me that unfortunately her therapist was out of town til the middle of next week, so she hadn't been able to process her feelings yet about it. To me, this seems all kinds of wrong. Why is she telling me that the session was so hard for her? And so hard that she had to contact her own therapist??? Which of us is actually the therapist here, her or me??? I shouldn't be having to worry about her feelings, and what came up for her during our session. That is her problem!

Argg okay so I'm obviously still angry about some things. But I'm also very sad and missing her very much. She is going out of town in a week (for her daughters wedding) and will be gone for a week and a half, and I asked her to please not contact me or respond to my email, because I needed space, but that I would be in contact with her when she got back from her trip so that we can have some sense of closure (and also because I have a bunch of her books). But I almost want to call her up and say I've changed my mind and still want her to be my therapist, and that I think we can work out these issues together. But maybe that's my immature, codependent part of me wanting that... it's so confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and one more thing... our sessions were normally supposed to be an hour, but they would go on average at least two hours, sometimes two and a half. That was because she typically didn't have anyone after me. She usually wouldn't ever tell me it's time to go, or that time is up. It was always me having to look at the clock and try to get out of there so I wasn't keeping her so late. Again, me trying to take care of her. And she never charged me more than the hour I was supposed to see her.

Is this normal? This seems a little boundary blurring and unhealthy to me, but I know some therapists are just very generous with their time, and that it's not really an issue. Again, me not sure about what to think about it, and questioning my feelings...

Wow. First off....I think you are right in thinking that there need to be boundaries. Second off...do you think maybe if you were to just put a "hold" on therapy with her for awhile, you might regain some of your independence? Just a thought.

brandic wrote:But I almost want to call her up and say I've changed my mind and still want her to be my therapist, and that I think we can work out these issues together. But maybe that's my immature, codependent part of me wanting that... it's so confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I think you should trust your feelings, but it doesn't sound like a very immature statement. It sounds like a mature one. A mature person is willing to work things out. However, a mature person is also willing to take a step back when needed. It sounds like you have acted maturely. However, I wonder if you would feel more at peace if you sent your T a second email. Maybe say something similar to what you have said here, how you are in absolute CONFUSION right now and that you DO miss her, you just want it to be a healthy relationship, that's all. Maybe you could request that you have another meeting where either it is closure, or setting up REAL boundaries. Maybe there could be a contract you both sign.

I hope so much that you feel better. You must do what you think is the wisest thing at this time. But I also would hate for you to lose a good loving relationship with your T when there is a possibility of working through these issues.

At least the ball is in your court though, right? Allow yourself to accept that, that you CAN change your mind if you want to. And if you don't change your mind, then, okay. But you have a choice in this matter. I'm glad you are working out the right choice, and I hope that whatever you choose, it works out for good...BIG Barney hugs if you want them...
-L

That is a very interesting relationship for sure. She sounds more like a friend. She should not be telling you problems of her own and telling you she had to run to therapy after your session. Talk about a guilt trip.


The worst thing a T can do in my opinion is give a DX and then take it back.


But consider this.. maybe...

She gave you a DX of DDNOS and you keep calling it DID (at least that is what you seem to be saying in the post here). Perhaps she was just trying to get you to understand what it is you have is not DID. My T kept doing that for a while, because I would read about all this DID stuff, but they are so similar and I would explain that to her. She did not want me to get carried away and start acting like I really had DID though! (This is before she gave me the definite DX of DID). She was trying to help me, not hurt me.

What a wonderful friend your T would be. I actually would prefer a T without rules and boundaries. I spent most of my childhood locked up. I don't do well with boundaries, yet I don't take advantage either.

I don't think you are being immature at all. Most people would be thinking like you are. Some T's fit well with some and others fit better with other people.

I know my opinion will be very different from most here though.

My thoughts are jumbled, but I want to reply and try to help so much that I'll try to sort through them. First of all, I'm very sorry for your confusion over this and am very sorry to your littles feeling sad and confused. *hugs if wanted*

It almost sounds like she was trying to be over-caring of you. You might have been filling voids for each other. She might've filled some void by being available to you and offering to help you whenever you needed, and your littles were filling their voids for attention and such. Not that this is a bad thing, but in a professional relationship, there does need to be boundaries (as were your main concerns). My T was available to me at any time, but that was only if I was in crisis or close to. She had her life, I had mine. Aside from the casual "how was your weekend" talks we sometimes had, our lives were kept separate, and she definitely knew more about my life than I knew about her's.

Another thought, your T might think you need that much availability from her, and so she's willing to give it. She might be overly worried about possible separation anxiety you'd have, loneliness, etc., and she wants to help reduce that. However, by allowing you to contact her whenever and even encouraging it, she's actually making it harder for you to cope with the times inbetween sessions. She sounds like she has all the good intentions in the world, and genuinely wants to help you, she's just over doing it.

I also think that she's trying to make you feel more comfortable by letting you treat her as a friend. She might simply be trying to help you feel more comfortable around her by making the relationship more casual instead of professional, and thus the loss of boundaries.

I do agree with tylas that she should not have ever told you that she needed to go to her own T after a difficult session. That is her own issue and not something you'd want a patient knowing since they might start to question your credibility. However, I also wonder if she told you that as a type of "establishing-trust" thing. Perhaps she thinks that if she is open and honest and personal with you, that you'll see her as more of a regular person and be more comfortable being open and honest with her. She might be trying to let you see that underneath her professionalism she has her own problems, and thus hoping you wouldn't feel so alone or "weird". She might be simply trying to help you realize that even therapists need help, and so you shouldn't think any less of yourself for needing help. If that makes sense...it made a lot better sense in my head.

Overall, I think that you might simply want to suggest a break instead of ending it. It sounds like you have a very good relationship with this T, and she seems to want to do everything she can to help you. Perhaps you could bring up these concerns to her, and see if you could both work out boundaries? She might've thought that you'd prefer a lack of boundaries, but you seem to need/want them, so perhaps talking with her about it might help you to be able to not end therapy with her. I mean, if there were boundaries in place, would you end therapy with her? It doesn't sound like it, especially since your littles like her so much. Maybe you could suggest both to yourself and her that you only contact her outside of therapy if your littles are feeling very anxious. It might be weird that you have to suggest the boundaries, but some therapists might not be able to see when their clients need boundaries out, especially since your's seems to want to do everything in her power to help you. She might've blinded herself to your boundary needs, and perhaps all she needs is a little communication. As dividedtruth89 said though, the ball's in your court. Take comfort in knowing that you can go back if you want to, and you can also keep the therapy ended if you want to. Maybe make a list of pros and cons of ending therapy with this T to help you decide what you want to do. I wish I had more advice to give you, since I know I do I just can't sort out my thoughts to give it to you. If I'm able to figure out what more I'm trying to say, I will be back. Until then, I wish you the best of luck with this. *more hugs if wanted*

i'm supposed to be in bed but i heard that there were upset littles and ran out to write. i just want to say hi to the littles and that i'm sorry they're sad and confused. i want to give them hugs if they want them *BIG HUGS* and tell them that i hope they feel better soon. don't feel too sad, guys. brandic sounds like she really cares about you, and she's going to do her best to take care of you and keep you safe and love you and give you what you want/need. even if you don't like it or get it, sumtimes you just have to trust them, and brandic seems very trust-worthy. try to feel better knowing that she's doing her best to look after you and that she loves you.

Could you find a new therapist and just be friends with this person instead? I would give her time to talk to her own therapist before contacting her again, so she has time to work out how she feels before responding to you.

The bit that rings alarm bells for me is you trying to leave the sessions and her keeping you talking, and that you are starting to feel you can't decide anything without her. Isn't the whole idea of therapy that the client works through their problems and learns to improve their coping strategies, so they no longer need the therapist? Some of the other behaviour may have been unprofessional or lacking boundaries, but those two things I mentioned kind of trap you, and are therefore damaging. I think that would apply even if she was your friend rather than your therapist.

I reckon it would be hard to have boundaries with this person and that you would have to be the one to set them and make sure you both stick to them, because she seems to actively not want boundaries. She may have been helping you in some way, but from what you write she reminds me more of a needy friend who needs to be kept at arms length if she's not to take over your life. The one thing she hasn't done is try to contact you first, it's always you contacting her, so that seems to be the only boundary she has maintained.

The main feeling I get from your post is that you feel smothered by this relationship and you're resentful of that. X

I think you made the right decision.
There are many red flags in there showing that she has her own issues.
And that the relationship is unhealthy.

But there are a few things that I would consider the most important ones:
You are doing therapy to get better and not worst. It is not happening.
She is projecting her own insecurities on you.
You have lost your trust in her ability.

I think those three are enough to decide to end the therapy, because it is not working for you.
I know it is sad to have to end a relationship with someone that is nice to you and generous with time, but the goal of therapy is not to make friends, but to give you the tools to make some healthy relationships. I would keep that in mind.

It's very unprofessional and unethical not to keep boundaries set between therapist and client. [I knew that class would come in handy. ] While different therapists and different psychological views have different ideas of where these boundaries should be set, this therapist doesn't seem to have any boundaries at all. It almost seems like she needs you more than you need her in some ways, with not wanting to end sessions and being so immediately available for you, no matter what.

Admitting to you that she herself sees a therapist? I don't know that there's anything wrong with that. Like someone else said, it could help show you there's nothing wrong with therapy, that anyone could do it, etc. Telling you that her last session with you has bothered her that much, and she's upset that she can't see her therapist? MAJOR no-no. You don't do that. You don't tell a client that their session has bothered you that badly. What did she think that would make you feel?

Really, reading this whole post only set off alarm bells in my head about this therapist. I don't doubt she means well, but she's going about it all wrong. She's acting more like an overly involved friend, NOT a therapist. Therapist have to have professional boundaries. It helps both the client and the therapist. Like the no-charge anytime phone conversations? Those were very wrong and she's lucky that you didn't take advantage of that. Because there are clients who will get so overly enmeshed with their therapists, that well...things don't go so well if/when the therapist realizes they need to back off.

I think you did the right thing. She needs a good dose of professionalism and ethics, to be honest. I also agree...you don't take back someone's diagnosis like that, not without having a really good talk about it first, and why she might think her first diagnosis was wrong. If she had ANY doubts, she should not have said so firmly you had DID.

So just one other thing, about the diagnosis part. While I don't think it was right for her to go back on a diagnosis, I wonder if her motives were different. Were you ever insistent with her that you DIDN'T have DID/DDNOS? I mean, she might have just thought it best to agree with you if you were making it look that you truly didn't believe you had it. So many times on here I see things like "if you think you have DID, you probably do." So she might have thought "well, if she truly DOES believe it's just ego states, maybe I AM wrong." I'm no way placing the blame on you, so please don't think that, her actions were still unprofessional, but I wonder if the reasoning behind them went deeper than what it appeared to be.

brandic wrote:She also told me on Friday (during our phone conversation) that our session on Thursday had been so difficult for her that she had to contact her own therapist to try to work out what happened, and to try to process her own feelings about it. She told me that unfortunately her therapist was out of town til the middle of next week, so she hadn't been able to process her feelings yet about it. To me, this seems all kinds of wrong. Why is she telling me that the session was so hard for her? And so hard that she had to contact her own therapist??? Which of us is actually the therapist here, her or me??? I shouldn't be having to worry about her feelings, and what came up for her during our session. That is her problem!

This is really over-the-top.

She wants to be friends with you and there's a confusion of roles or something from her side.