ended therapy... very mixed feelings

BIG no, no no...if a T tells you that she was so upset after your session that she needed her own T.

Very unprofessional. Surely many Ts have their own Ts, it's part of the job...BUT

A patient can't start to take care of T's feelings. You need to know for sure, that whatever horrible things you tell her, she can handle it. You have to be able to rely on that. Otherwise you'll start thinking if it's ok (or not) to tell what you need to tell.

So what are you thinking now Brandic? Have your feelings calmed down at all? Are you feeling peace about the decision, or are you still torn? Let us know when you're ready...
-L

I also think you did the correct thing. Boundaries are probably the most important thing about therapy along with confidentiality. There seems to be a lot of transference/counter-transference going on. This happens very often in therapy but a good therapist will realize it and use the information to help you in some way and to lessen the reaction.

As in any relationship with anyone, of course you guys effect each other, and of course the therapist may get disturbed at something you tell them. It's common for therapists to have therapists, but she shouldn't have told you that your session made her freak. My therapist used the fact to help relate to me. When I first started seeing her and the subject of trust came up, she said something along the lines of 'it was certainly hard for me to trust my therapist'. That is appropriate knowledge of her personal life to give. More than that about her personal therapy wouldn't be.

Please take extra good care of yourself (all parts) right now. When you find someone new you'll actually be able to work on your trauma and dissociative reactions instead of the focus being the relationship between you and your therapist.

I too think that ending it may be a brash decision that would be better thought out, alone, and with her. There are things in there, like eveyrone has said, that would put any clients back up: telling you she found last session so hard etc.

You would probably find you can relate a lot to the book: "the flock" where the therapist basically openly adopts her DID client. Perhaps it is not so extreme that you go round to her house etc, but the fact she phones you back, texts you etc within half an hour ... I can see how it's making you feel like you can't actually do anything without her now.

Perhaps talk to her about all of this and tell her how the blurred boundaries are making you feel? But perhaps you also feel that you shouldn't be telling a therapist how to do her job?

But also, naturally in therapy things get much worse before they get better. Even in the case of "the flock" they became to depend on their therapist so so much but in that they found a way to become more independent and get better, in their own time, when they were ready for it. They didn't force independence and didn't force dependence... just kinda went with the flow.

Just throwing my opinion in the pot for you to read when you are ready.

Hope you are feeling a bit clearer about things somehow

Bourbon

I just sent her a text telling her how much I miss her and how confused I am. I am extremely angry with myself. I can't even keep my own boundaries. I feel weak and needy and co-dependent and I hate this.

-- Mon Sep 19, 2011 12:55 pm --

But then again another part of me feels good because we missed her so much and its so nice just reaching out to her again.

-- Mon Sep 19, 2011 1:03 pm --

Thank you bourbon for suggesting that book. And thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I'm taking it all to heart and still just trying to sort it all out.

Well, it sounds a little bit like my therapist...he:

-From early on, encouraged me to use texts to check in with him on a regular basis. Has never discouraged it, has always said it blesses him to know how I'm doing and that I he is a safe place I can go to with stuff. However, he has also flat out told me that he will not always be able to respond, and he doesn't. If it is serious, or a direct question, or I specifically ask him to, he will respond eventually. But, very little in the way of back and forth conversations, unless it was about scheduling. I can only remember a couple of instances in a whole year that we had back and forth conversations that weren't in a near crisis situation.

-He started offering phone sessions and knew I was broke, so offered them for free, because he felt called to. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and asked if it was OK with his boudnaries if I paid partial on these, so I was paying him 1/2 rate for those. We have since gone on insurance, switched to Skype, and I pay the full copay.

-He encourages me to write and send my journals to him, but he has only ever once replied to an email (the first one I sent him ages ago). We go over them in session. He does not process actual content via email.

-He would frequently allow sessions to run over. He does it with all his clients, but it was more problematic for me, because CT didn't trust him to not become roadkill to the kids, who just want to stay forever and ever. Once we told him that, he became much better with the time boundaries. He fixed it straight away.

-We do double sessions now as a matter of rule. Sometimes he only has time for 1.5 hours, but that is the minimum we do for both office and Skype sessions. He is only in my area on Monday/Tuesday, and it is stabilizing to have the two sessions a week. If he has time, our Tuesday sessions are always two hours and always at the end of his day, in case we need a bit more time to wrap up. We tend to start late, because he runs over with others. Last week, our session was 2.5 hours, but it was in his other office, 45 minutes from my home, and it took the kids a long time to get acclimated to a new room and get over the stress of going to a new place all by ourselves.

-He does a bit of self-disclosure, but not for the purpose of being comforted, just enough to be human. He has made some mistakes in that area, saying things that he ought to have thought better of that freaked us out a bit...but, I told him and he seems to be paying better attention to that now too.

So, yeah, my T has a bit of a case of fuzzy boundaries, but it makes the relationship feel more real and the kids would reject the relationship otherwise. Anytime something has felt problematic or he has noticed it causing issues, we have discussed and addressed it. And, without his fuzzy boundaries, we would not be discussing touch as a possible therapeutic tool (just handshakes and high fives and quick hugs and such). I sometimes rail against how dependent I feel, but it is just uncomfortable to me, because I never had anyone safe to depend on. I have found the more I observe where he actually does have boundaries and holds them and the more CT lets him take care of them, the less panicked everyone is. And, he actually does have firm boundaries about some things; it's just hard for me to trust that the liberal boundaries he has around communication are really what he says they are. However, he has been 100% consistent in his inviting me to rely on him as a resource in that way. But, these kind of things need to be talked about and addressed. If I had it to do over as someone now experienced with therapy, I would make the boundaries conversation my whole first month!

The whole thing with suddenly changing her mind about your diagnosis, though...that would be very distressing to me. It felt like flipping a coin or something. Heads - Ego States, Tails - DID/DDNOS!

Caroline,

In the interim I'd try looking around for another therapist. Not that you'll necessarily find the perfect one right away but you'd have the sense that there are others out there who are different. That would reassure you that you'll eventually find one that makes you feel like you're moving toward a healthier place rather than working with someone who has developed a co-dependent relationship with you, as you say. It really doesn't sound to me like you're overreacting. You know there are a number of things wrong, some rather seriously wrong. You've displayed plenty of evidence on this board of being able to look at things in a balanced way, even in the midst of DID's confusion.

I might suggest trying again if there weren't so very many warning signs and if it didn't seem like this was a well-considered decision on your part. She does sound like she cares about you and and who wouldn't miss that? But caring isn't sufficient to create health. I have a wonderful sister who loves the heck out of me, and vice versa, but her endless chatter that masks her denial (which is totally understandable) tends to drive me insane over time. Personally, to help me with traumas so complex and unending that I became multiple and to care for and respect my fragile emotional state, I need to know I am in very competent, professional hands. My current T may not be ideal for me overall, but I trust him generally and feel stronger after interacting with him, not weaker. He encourages my independence.

Quite understandable you'd be torn about it. Might you use your SO to reassure you that your decision was a well-considered one? If you're really torn, you could take what you wrote down and make a list of pros and cons, highlighting the ones that are strongest. No doubt the sum verdict would be clear and help reassure you as well.

Caroline (of brandic), I think you are doing the right thing by separating from this T. Yes, some of your alters are attached to this T, and they are upset, but you know this relationship is not healthy for you.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Caroline,I might suggest trying again if there weren't so very many warning signs and if it didn't seem like this was a well-considered decision on your part. She does sound like she cares about you and and who wouldn't miss that? But caring isn't sufficient to create health. I have a wonderful sister who loves the heck out of me, and vice versa, but her endless chatter that masks her denial (which is totally understandable) tends to drive me insane over time. Personally, to help me with traumas so complex and unending that I became multiple and to care for and respect my fragile emotional state, I need to know I am in very competent, professional hands. My current T may not be ideal for me overall, but I trust him generally and feel stronger after interacting with him, not weaker. He encourages my independence.

Really good points here. My mom is indeed very caring, yet has a "you're either in or you're out" mentality. If I'm in, she loves me to death. If I'm out, I'm essentially disowned. Until I get in again.
Caring is definitely not sufficient to create health. I remember when I was really bullied in 8th grade. I turned the tables once, was the bully back, and got into HUGE trouble. My mom was caring and protective, but so much to where it was unhealthy. She literally just made excuses for me, said I was right in what I did, and went on and on about how the school had overeacted. In the end, I still felt guilty. Her "caring" didn't help me, because deep down I knew I had been in the wrong. So I got stuck in self blame and self injury An example of unhealthy form of caring.

Update:

I saw my T yesterday. I wanted to give her a chance. I didn't feel convinced that it couldn't be a good lesson and learning experience, one where we can strengthen the relationship through it. We talked about the diagnosis. She told me that her head was telling her one thing (DID) but that her gut was telling her something else. I wasn't sure what to think about that. Then, we talked about working together. She said that what I called a "lack of boundaries" on her part was just a different therapeutic style than most therapists have. She said her style is relational (I think having a relational style and a lack of boundaries are different, but that's just me) She said it was obvious that her therapy style just didn't work for me. She said she thinks I need more structure than what she can provide. I tried explaining that I just thought we needed to come up with some rules and boundaries that we both feel comfortable with. I told her I had come up with some ideas and asked if I could share them. She got visibly upset and told me it wasn't my job to come up with the boundaries. I asked her why it mattered, since she had made it clear she wasn't going to do it. I can't remember what she said but I remember she was really upset. The part (an angry part) who was out said, well let me at least read them to you. She wasn't thrilled but she said okay. They were basic things about calling, emailing and texting that I had thought about and written down. Basically some ground rules. I don't remember much of the rest of the session, because my angry part was out and was very angry. Oh I remember something. She said that she felt like moving forward with me would be "morally unethical" on her part. I don't remember how I responded to that but I know I wasn't happy. Then at the end of our session she asked if I thought it was a good idea for us both to think about it and talk more in session on Thurs. I (angry part) didn't answer, and left the session very upset. The angry part called her in a rage after we left and left voicemail after voicemail about how unfair she was being refusing to come up with boundaries and then not allowing me (us) to come up with any on our own.

Anyhew.... long story short, I think I need to find a good, competent therapist who will at least be willing to work with me collaboratively if there's something that's not working in the therapy. Not just give up, like my therapist seems to be doing. I understand she has a very boundary-free style. But you'd think she'd be willing to work with me if I was needing more boundaries, and be willing to hear my thoughts and suggestions of things that'll help me feel more SAFE in the relationship.

So... I think I'm done.