Hurt *Trigger: some religion & demon talk*

Churches and friends dont accept my others. Doctors call them alters but they dont like being called that. They have no less value than I do but yet people talk to them as if they are demons. My own family hates the fact that I have others because they only want me, the main. Im frustrated. I have created a group on facebook where I am real and they can express themselves but it's hard when I feel like I have to hide this. why go to church when I can't be the real me. The real me consists of all of us. Not just whoever they see. Should I stop going to church? Should I tell this new small church that Im going to? The main thing is I am tired of being fake and my others want and deserve to be respected for who they are. They are hurting people with memories that are keeping them captive. Or at least thats the deal with one of my others. Also, my family and friends wish I didnt have others but quite frankly, I have come to accept all of them and when they get rejected, I feel rejected too. There has been one other that has already integrated as docs call it. That happened when I forgave everybody that hurt me in the past. I guess she decided to forgive also. I think I have one more that could possibly intergrate because all she types and writes about is her memories. But the others, the other 3 help me to live day by day. They are my helpers and friends even though they are all three younger than me. Does anyone relate to this or just any words of comfort? If so, that would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Healed Angel

I'm so sorry you feel so rejected, especially by your church. Religion is supposed to be a place of acceptance, support, and help, and that includes churches. Perhaps you can find another church, one that's more understanding of you/DID in general? Or perhaps you can provide information to your church on DID to show that they're not demons or something? A lot of times rejection can come from lack of information, so perhaps if they know more about it and how it happens/where it comes from, they might be more understanding.

I know how you feel. I'm still getting used to accepting my alters into my everyday life, and accepting that they're parts of me. I'm also still getting used to being open about my DID. The only time I'm upfront about it is before I date someone, because I'd rather scare them off before I get emotionally attached, but otherwise I still find myself trying to hide it around other people, even friends, even close friends. I've been called a liar in the past, I've had people doubt me, I've had people say that I'm faking, all of that, so I guess I'm wary about who I tell and who I show myself to. Yet at the same time, I'm also tired of hiding. I've been trying to let my alters out more, and get people I spend time with most used to them so that I don't have to hide or try to filter everything. It's like wearing a mask, and I want to take it off, but at the same time I've been wearing it for so long that I'm afraid to completely take it off.

My relatives don't understand (the few that I've told), and the few friends I've told either don't understand but want to, or they now think I'm "scary" and "crazy" and possibly "dangerous". Both stem from simply not knowing enough about DID, and I accept that. My relatives not understanding comes from not knowing enough about DID as well, so I'm working on informing them about it bit by bit. Same with my friends. It feels good to find those rare, few people who are fascinated by it and simply want to learn all they can about it/you, because it feels like they're interested in ALL of you, including how you work/operate.

It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do, and I'm sorry you don't have a more supportive environment. I know it can be a very hard thing to grasp if you're a relative or friend, so maybe talk to them about how they make you feel and how you feel about your others. (Sorry, trying to avoid saying "alters". It's habit). Let them know that even though the other may act different, they're all PARTS of YOU. Let them know that if they weren't separate, they'd simply be aspects of your whole personality, so they'd still be there.

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice, but I do offer support and sympathy. I hope you can at least find acceptance on here, and don't feel a need to hide. *hugs if wanted*

healedangel22 wrote:Churches and friends dont accept my others. Doctors call them alters but they dont like being called that. They have no less value than I do but yet people talk to them as if they are demons. My own family hates the fact that I have others because they only want me, the main. Im frustrated. I have created a group on facebook where I am real and they can express themselves but it's hard when I feel like I have to hide this. why go to church when I can't be the real me. The real me consists of all of us. Not just whoever they see. Should I stop going to church? Should I tell this new small church that Im going to? The main thing is I am tired of being fake and my others want and deserve to be respected for who they are. They are hurting people with memories that are keeping them captive. Or at least thats the deal with one of my others. Also, my family and friends wish I didnt have others but quite frankly, I have come to accept all of them and when they get rejected, I feel rejected too. There has been one other that has already integrated as docs call it. That happened when I forgave everybody that hurt me in the past. I guess she decided to forgive also. I think I have one more that could possibly intergrate because all she types and writes about is her memories. But the others, the other 3 help me to live day by day. They are my helpers and friends even though they are all three younger than me. Does anyone relate to this or just any words of comfort? If so, that would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Healed Angel

You have my sympathies too, Healed Angel.
One thing that stands out positively in what you told is that you seem to know your own system well. You say you have accepted all of them, achieved partial integration and have plans for future integration. Way to go!

I can understand that having achieved inner acceptance and self-knowledge, it must be discouraging to face the sort of denial your family reacts with. Reading this forum I've noticed that it is a common response from the close ones, but I guess there is no ideal answer as to how to deal with it within one's thoughts and emotions or how to overcome the family's resistance. Since the whole idea of DID is rather new to me and my family is very small, I have no personal experience of this.

You also said that churches and friends don't accept your others, do you want to elaborate on that? What I've noticed with some Christians (I'm one myself, by the way, but not very rigorous) is that they explain this sort of phenomena as malevolent spirits or something equally old-fashioned. Or angels, if you're lucky! According to my experience these beliefs are impossible to change. Or maybe this is a too pessimistic view on the matter ... After all I used to explain my earliest encounters with my others in such terms, approximately, until one of them made himself known to me so well that religious explanations weren't enough anymore. Then I thought that maybe he is a spiritual guide, but that was also not good enough for me. Learning about DID finally opened my eyes. Maybe it can open also other people's eyes even if they are religious people. You never know until you try.

You mentioned the feelings of rejection, and all I can say is that I'm sorry you have to go through that pain. Rejection and cold-shouldering can make you feel hopeless pretty quickly, and getting to hear that you're lying about your parts or they don't exist sounds very harsh. If you're in therapy, that's good. I think that there has to be someone to whom you can speak about these things without having to fear that they dismiss you. For myself, sharing these things on a forum is very important at the moment because I'm not in therapy yet. I admit it's all down to my own procrastination, but that's a whole different story.

You asked if you should tell about your DID in your new church, or if should you stop going to church entirely. If you can tell depends entirely of the church and the people there. I wouldn't introduce myself as a person with DID if I went to a new church, I'd see what kind of people are there, get to know them better and probably plan carefully what I can tell and to whom to kind of test if they can handle the truth. I'd go about it gradually.
I have to say that I've probably worked so much in the past on the problem of my points of view vs. church points of view that it wouldn't be that devastating for me if someone told me I'm possessed. In my case, I've decided that I can't let that sort of thing depress me.

I hope this helps you even a little bit.
This forum is a good place to vent one's feelings and get encouragement from the other members and their stories, and above all, nobody tells you here that your others don't exist.

This is one of the reasons I am afraid to get involved with any church/organization/group of any kind! I've been told "Just be yourself". People don't seem to understand that when I act a little differently from when I usually do, it is an attempt to really feel. I mean, let's say that somebody tells a joke. I could stay just my normal adult self and laugh. But why do that when I feel something else bursting out of me that wants to have a laugh? The result is a very child-like laugh, and sometimes really child-like behavior. But for some reason, the emotion feels more authentic that way, at that particular time. At which point the person I'm talking to usually says, "wow I've never seen THIS person before!" or like my Dad, before he decided to call it quits and just accept that something is going on in my head(he doesn't know what) , he was saying "You have a wonderful personality, so just be yourself"

He didn't understand that I feel like I have lots of selves, and that I am trying to allow them to feel as much as possible...because it helps ME feel. Make sense? Unfortunately I just don't have one personality...I feel like I have several, and they are equal, each deserving of love and attention from the people whom I love.

So about the church thing, I don't know. There are a lot of churches out there, and a lot of Christians with good intentions, who just flat don't believe in mental illness. My ex-boyfriend, I told him I had been hallucinating, and he said he believed that hallucinations were demons. I was all like "well that's wierd. That means that demons are showing themselves to me as inanimate objects, like toys or dimmed lights or pictures on the wall or books on the bookshelf." Haha, I didn't tell him about the voice I heard one time(outside, not inside my head) that sounded like Eminem saying "You're so stupid", or about the lady who responded(I don't know what she said it was kind of a mumble).

I offer you Big Barney hugs if you want them. Do what you feel is right, and where you think God leads you. If there is one thing I have come to believe, it is that dissociation is an amazing gift created by an all loving God for those who, as a result of the sin in the world, were placed in dangerous and unloving situations. It is a protection He gave us as children so that we wouldn't have to face the pain until we were adult enough to handle it. I hope you can find a church that understands this. By not accepting your others, they are refusing to see one of God's most beautiful gifts of protection to the innocent. It is one of the many things that, to me, is evidence that there is no way our complex brains could have been a product of macro-evolutions.

Jesus loves you...ALL of you!!!

And I don't mean to push my beliefs on anyone, so I hope noone takes it that way. I totally respect others' views on this board, and am just giving the view that helps me personally accept this disorder without shame or fear.

Thank you all for the sympathy. Sorry I haven't replied in a few days. One of my others, the oldest one, wrote doc.wn one of her memories of my past and it hurt me a lot because it dealt with oral sex with a family member. I ended up vomiting and burning my throat which is considered self injury because of it. Anyways, I went to the doc who understands us and he is putting me on Prozac. I have to go for now but want and will respond to each and every one of you that responded to me. Thanks again for taking time and making me feel not so alone. We all appreciate it! Especially me, the main.

I'm very sorry you had to experience that, and even though it's good to recover memories, I'm sorry for the pain it caused you. I hope you're doing better, and am sorry you injured yourself. I know it can be hard through painful times, but please try to stay safe. You don't deserve to hurt yourself (though I can imagine this being an unintentional after-effect of vomiting, so please don't take what I say the wrong way). *hugs if wanted* I wish you heal/feel better soon, and am glad you're getting help, and hope that goes well, too. I will pray for you.

I've added a trigger warning to the thread title. You haven't done anything wrong... it's just to warn members that things discussed in this topic may upset them (some people are triggered by things like religion).

I agree very much with what tomboy said, most rejection is due to lack of information. However, you should not be the one trying to inform them all the time. They should care enough to learn for themselves.

Excuse me for getting religious for a minute, but the apostle paul had problems internally. We don't know what he struggled with, just that it was a thorn in his flesh. He was also completely different from Saul to Paul, almost completely different personalities. God accepted him into his arms, no doubt he would do the same for you.

You have SURVIVED because of your DID, you have lived strong. God will accept you especially because you are special. You have been through so much, I don't know what you have been through, but to trigger DID it would have had to have been traumatic. God will accept whatever service you offer him.

Your family may take some time. My family has only now begun to accept that I have a difficult problem, and they also originally thought it was demonic or evil forces. They are real, as far as I am concerned, but not in this case, yours or mine. It's good that you are posting here. You might consider another church, but if you are comfortable with religion I wouldn't tune it out just yet. Have you talked to your minister/preacher? Explained to him that you have a mental diagnosis, and while you respect spiritual things, this is an earthly illness? Perhaps then he would be more accepting? Either way, keep posting, I look forward to hearing more from you.

Tomboy, thanks for your sympathy. The problem with me finding a different church is there is only one close to me. I could ask my mom to drop me off at another church but I don't think she would do it. She likes to relax on the weekends. The church I go to, the people are kind of slow because it's a congregation of old people. But they were the only ones willing to pick me up and drop me off from church. I sympathize with you when you talk about how you hide your others a lot and still trying to figure the system out. That was the hardest thing for me to do. Once I accepted them and stopped fighting them and wishing they be gone, things became a whole lot easier. Not only for me but for them too Im sure. That is good that your family accepts you and friends all of you although they don't understand. It is great that they want to understand! That must feel good. I have a friend who knew me when I went through this Religious Recovery program called Teen Challenge. And she is questioning my DID but I just keep reminding her that I tried telling them there was "A little girl inside me" but they just brushed it off. I am having patience with her for now but it might lead to her being deleted from my facebook.

Under Ice, thanks for the sympathy also. Yes, I have got to learn my system very well and we work together. I am only wanting one to integrate because she is hurting and angry and think once she lets it out, she will integrate but I am satisfied with my other 3. Honestly, I don't know how I would live life without them. Actually, I could live life; just wouldn't know how to speak up and stuff like Norma does or eat my meals like Chris does since I am anorexic or play and be happy like Sara does. It would really be a BIG change for me. About church, they are so old of people, I called for prayer and their response was "So your not coming Sunday"? And I didn't say anything about not going to church and they never ended up saying they would pray for me since I was struggling with self harm. By them not understanding me, when I went to church they prayed that "evil spirits" be gone and it was a whole mess that day. I don't have therapy anymore but I have a doctor and he works with us. He believes and it's almost like he see's right through us. Thanks for your advice and support.

DividedTruth89, Im sorry...it sounds like so much stress. I went through that...trying to be me...when one of the others was wanting to come out so bad...and it is hard and the longer you fight it, the more it hurts. At least in my situation. By the way, I used to have 5 others but one integrated when I forgave a person that abused me a lot. I guess she was feeding off of my anger and unforgiveness. And by the way, I feel the same way. Disocciation is a gift. I agree with you. i think Im going to stop going to church.

AliceWolfe wrote:Excuse me for getting religious for a minute, but the apostle paul had problems internally. We don't know what he struggled with, just that it was a thorn in his flesh. He was also completely different from Saul to Paul, almost completely different personalities. God accepted him into his arms, no doubt he would do the same for you.

I love this Alice, thanks! I had a dream about this last night...I don't remember what it was about exactly, I just know I dreamed about it.

Healedangel, I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I had a similar reaction when I was delusional...not saying your memory is delusional so please don't take it that way! It was just the start of a very strange episode for me...part of it may not have been a delusion, actually, there may be some truth behind the strange things I was believing, even though I know now that the majority of it had no basis in reality.

possible trigger, talk of body memories ***

For me, I started to become overwhelmed with emotions, and just having "feelings" that I had been badly abused by a family member. It started while I was with family at a restaurant, and once I "believed" that the family member (who wasn't with us at the restaurant, fyi)was the source, I got nauseous, left and went to the bathroom, and almost vomited. I must have blacked out or lost time or something, I don't know, because I didn't think I was gone for very long, but my fam was already done eating and said I had been gone for at least 10 minutes. I got really weird acting and even though they had just apologized for not waiting to start eating, I said "Thank you for waiting for me". Shortly after is when I had the seizure episode in the movie theatre bathroom. So embarrassing. I had random people holding me down and it was super scary. At one point the paramedics put the oxygen mask on my face, and (out of my control), I started waiving my head left and right and it flew off my face. I hate it that my family had to witness all that, not to mention the evil paramedics telling me to stop faking a seizure.

It lead to a very strange body memory, as well as more delusions, believing that I had killed a whole ton of people, etc. While I now am pretty sure that that family member was not the source of that body memory, I have come to accept that the body memory could be a clue to a very painful event that occurred, that I just don't have any memory of. The not knowing drives me crazy, though, because the body memory tells a story, and if that story really happened...when did it happen and who was my attacker? Once the actual memory of the event comes into consciousness, though, I have a feeling my reaction will be the same as it was at the restaurant. This is what I'm afraid of.

END TRIGGEr

Sorry that was so long winded. I just wanted you to know that I can relate with a similar situation, and that you're not alone. I pray for your healing...