what's the point? *trigger warning*

I've been told I need to do this so *trigger warning* for the whole post. Just to cover my @$%, it's a warning for everything from "defined roles" to self-harm talk to suicidal thoughts.

What's the point anymore? There is none. It's just a stupid circle we find ourselves running around in and I'm sick of it. I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. We get up, we go to school, we sleep. We get up, we work, we sleep. We get up, we sit around in f@#$ing retirement because we're old, we sleep. What's the freaking point? (I hate being told to watch my language but whatever).

I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of barely scraping by in life. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of watching dreams shatter like glass and being unable to pick up the pieces. I'm tired of feeling like a freak, a burden on others, a weakling for not being able to handle things like stress as well as other people. I've been tired of it since the body/I was 13 and nothing's changed. I'm done. I tired of being tired. I want to just end it all and be done with it.

*sigh* But it won't happen...it never will...Cassandra would never let me go through with it. The others wouldn't either, though I can tell they're wearing down. The fighter's losing her will to fight. If you fight all your life, you'll reach a point where you can't fight anymore (Kat). The wise is wearing thin, not knowing how to keep things under control anymore and still healing from her own pain (Rain). The little one's (Cassie) being ignored due to the chaos the other young one (Gertrude) has caused in the system. Fear overwhelms the animalistic one, and she stays in a room, afraid to come out (Ray). And as for Him...He's enjoying the show. The slow, painful road that leads to a breaking point where someone will snap, and He'll be triggered ("Hannibal"). We're all wearing thin, and I don't know what the point of trying is anymore.

We try to hold a job and fail, unless it's a low-stress job but usually those are also low-income and low-hours and we can't live off of that. We just got rejected by our 8th interview...I just want to give up...Even if we got a job, we'd still be poor, so what's the point? We're just a bit poorer without a job. *sigh*

My name is L.C. I'm 16. I'm apathetic towards basically everything and dark. I use cutting as a way to cope but lately I've been stopped. Rain says we can't have cuts while job searching, Kat doesn't want me to use a non-serrated knife, Cassie doesn't want to feel the pain, etc. etc., the reasons go on. I'm the first breaking point. I'm the one that doesn't get back up when life knocks me down. When Cassandra and/or the others can't handle something, I used to be able to reach for a knife and the stress went away. But I can't do that, so I'm ranting on here. Cassandra's unaware of this, so I hope it's ok, though I don't really care at the moment if it isn't. I'm just tired of everything...I don't want to do this anymore...I wish there was a way to "quit" life (aside from suicide)...

I have no solutions, but just wanted to offer my support. Life is a series of ups and downs. There will be some ups for you in life. You are so young...

Hang in there!

tomboy, all I can say is that at some point, it will pass and you will feel a reason to get up in the morning. You won't remain poor forever but you may have to go through a time of it. The only advantage of age I can think of right now is the certain knowledge of experience that the ups and downs, as Tylas says, will always be there. I will say that you may have no idea how fortunate you are to be facing your challenge at your age. For a million reasons, all understandable but none too good, I waited so very long. You do have the strength and resources within you to bounce back, although the bounce may not come tomorrow. The tremendous resources of your mind to escape the bad things life dropped on your doorstep so unfairly point to a future you know is possible but can't quite hold on to.

Job rejections suck but, man, I'm impressed you've kept at it. I know that shows considerable strength even if you're not seeing it right now. It sounds like you had to take on way more than your fair share of the pain, L.C. It seems only fair that someone or someones else step in and take the burden off your shoulder for now, give you some down time to recuperate and relax.

Actually, I really think there is a way to "quit" life that's not suicide. It's called going inside. It wouldn't have to (and shouldn't) be permanent, but you can certainly "quit" for a period of time if your system's set up to work that way. Many of my alters have done it and I've considered doing it myself, though I'm the host with the job, so....maybe not right yet. I have learned to call on my alters to take over when I just can't handle things and they have done me that favor many times. You have the right to ask for kindness from your others, as a start. I hope they're willing to help you out. Even if it looks dark for them too, as it does for some of my alters, there's usually someone who has a bigger obligation to calm my pain than to their current feeling low. Of course, I sometimes have to reciprocate. Lastly, do you have any positive outside sources of help? You have the right to call on those too.

Hi Tomboy,

Like the others, I don't have solutions, but I wanted to to say that things do get better. I was very much in your same place less than a year ago. Now I have a job, albeit it's not one I thought I'd ever be doing but I'm living on my own and it's hard, but I made it past the harder time. I know it's not much to say things get better, but they do. Just keep hanging in there.

One Big hug if you want it, from one emotionally distraught individual to another! I am stacking fruit at Publix(grocery store). I don't know how old you are or anything, but something I have learned through all the recent $#%^ is just that I want good, solid, loving relationships to hold on to when I feel like you do now. That's the reason to keep going, for me. Right now, I don't feel like good and solid relationships (of any kind, lol) are possible. But in my head I know they are. We both must be gentle with the feelings, but take the logic of the mind. I know it's hard...

Hold on. I'm available on PM if you want

Though I am often depressed/suicidal to the point where almost nothing makes me smile, I was surprised to look on here and read the responses. I didn't expect that depression's cloud would thin out and have spots of sunlight showing through it just by reading words. So thank you, tylas, LittleRedDog, Johnny-Jack, and dividedtruth89, for your support. It's...an unusual feeling to me, feeling noticed/heard, much less understood. I/we didn't get that a lot growing up.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Job rejections suck but, man, I'm impressed you've kept at it. I know that shows considerable strength even if you're not seeing it right now. It sounds like you had to take on way more than your fair share of the pain, L.C. It seems only fair that someone or someones else step in and take the burden off your shoulder for now, give you some down time to recuperate and relax.

I actually am not out a lot of the time. I stay inside and am either in my room, or helping with the younger ones when things get tough for Rain, especially if Kat can't help at the time. I'm usually only out when someone reaches a breaking point, or if I can't keep all of Cassandra's depression under control. I guess I'm an EP. But the others let me have down time if/when I need it, unless the system's in chaos.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Actually, I really think there is a way to "quit" life that's not suicide. It's called going inside. It wouldn't have to (and shouldn't) be permanent, but you can certainly "quit" for a period of time if your system's set up to work that way...

Our system isn't so lucky, at least not now it isn't. We're all aware of each other, and not only do we all help the core/host out but we help each other. (Although I often don't see how my existence is important or how I help out aside from babysitting). If I left, there would be no one to look after Cassie if Rain and Kat argued/fought, or if Rain needed a break and Kat wasn't able to look after Cassie. And right now, with the new addition of a 2 yr old, and with Kat being "emotionally compromised", Rain's got her hands full. Despite my desires, I have to keep the system from breaking down, which is what would happen if Rain became overwhelmed. Even if I felt the system was stable enough to leave, I know it'd be hard to explain to Cassie that I'd be gone for an unknown amount of time (she's very attached to everyone, though I don't know why she's attached to me). But I will keep that option in mind.

As for any positive outsources, I'm not sure. I know Cassandra has friends, but most of them are in the city she used to live in, and we can't afford the gas/bus fare to see them often . Besides, Cassandra hates hanging out with people when she's broke. She feels she can't contribute to anything, like if someone wants to go out for lunch or coffee, she feels bad that she can't pay for herself and so just doesn't want to try hanging out at all. (That and she has no close friends. She fears getting close to people because she's had people leave her or mock her when she tells them about herself/her DID). We're trying to get on OHP for insurance, but we're on a waiting list, so that could take forever. Currently, we haven't found a good therapy plan/therapist that'll treat us without insurance or money we don't have. It's been almost 2 years now that we've been out of therapy. Most of our outlets, such as drawing or writing, are either still packed in boxes from the move, or like for me, they don't seem to be as appealing anymore. (Though I know that's my depression). But thank you for your support and reassurance. It's greatly appreciated.

And thank you, dividedtruth89, for the hug and reassurance. (Though I'm not much of a hugger, I know the gesture means a lot. We actually wouldn't let anyone we weren't dating, including family, hug us until we were 15). I've heard Cassandra talk about some of your posts, and I am sorry you're going through such confusion and I hope your therapy gets straightened out, though last I heard it sounded like it was going down a good road with a new therapist. It helps to know that someone else who's going through tough times can still be strong, so I guess I can hold on a little longer. (Though it feels like I've been barely holding on for forever). And thank you for the PM invite. It's appreciated, and I will keep it in mind. (Side note- I'm 16, the body is 20 yrs old, though we often feel much, much older).