T is terminating relationship. My heart is breaking.

dividedtruth89, sorry to jump in so late. I agreed with every single thing everyone said, including the shocked and angry responses. I have no doubt, none, that my T would never do that and I've even asked him for a referral to another T! It's just that I know that he has a commitment to my well-being first before any rules and would certainly insist on a closure session if I wanted to terminate.

Well damn is this gonna be how it is with any T?

No, and the whole of everybody's responses indicate that her decision and the way she communicated it was unusual, to put it mildly. There are better Ts out there, for sure, and you'll find one who can handle and will enjoy you (all of you) being you. Little John's bottom lip jutted out in sadness for you as I read all the posts and imagined the scenes. His way of commiserating.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Little John's bottom lip jutted out in sadness for you as I read all the posts and imagined the scenes. His way of commiserating.

Awww... thank you.

Johnny-Jack wrote:and you'll find one who can handle and will enjoy you (all of you) being you.

I hope so sooooo much. All kinds of new worries are creeping up. Like what if this next one thinks I'm just being childish? What if they don't understand that in order to feel better I have to allow myself to be child-like, even if it's just when I'm by myself? I need to allow myself to be child-like in a therapist's office so that that can piece can feel validated for the feelings...but I'm going to keep it SO GUARDED now. I don't want to feel that sadness again.

There were so many DIFFERENT kinds of cries. I can't get over that. Is that how it is for most people, or just people with dissociation problems? I mean, having cries that are so different from each other? I look back on...wow was it really two days ago? I remember thinking, "Wow, 9 hours have passed since I found out...doesn't feel like 9 hours. But I remember it...don't I? I guess it's hard to remember because it just went in the same cycle over and over. Crying, writing, thinking, posting on here, hearing the voicemail in my head over and over and over. Talking to my one friend on the phone for about an hour. So that leaves 8 hours of the cycle. Seriously? Until I went to bed and cried some more. I went to the counseling center anyway the next day, at the time my appointment was supposed to be, and just sat behind the building and cried. Somehow I needed that closure. But it still doesn't feel closed. I still don't feel like I can move on from this. WHY? I was only seeing her for 3 months. I can't understand for the life of me why her voicemail plays in my head so much. So many videos of that day, or days when I went to therapy, all individual. Play over and over. Triggered by something as random as looking at my insurance card on my desk.

I can't get over the feeling that SOMEBODY ELSE came out to her that one day, my 4th session with her. Someone who knows why I keep getting the "seizure". Even if just for like 20 seconds, I know I SAID SOMETHING that I don't remember. There are too many blank spots, or areas where I "woke up", but didn't REALIZE I had "woken up" because the things she said that "woke me up" triggered more emotion--that I CAN remember. And that SOMEBODY ELSE can't grieve in the way they need to. I don't know how to let them grieve. Holy $#%^. 4 again. the 4th session. WHAT IS IT ABOUT 4s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T ACTUALLY REMEMBER BEING 4. I have little snapshot memories that I know took place before I was 5...but I don't remember actually BEING 4.

I'm sorry we're jumping in so late here, but we just saw this post.

*massive hugs*

Our T terminated on us a few months ago. Not for the same reason (or anything close to it), but it was still incredibly painful regardless of "why". Like how yours said she's afraid she would be fixating on the recording, mine had her own personal reasons she couldn't help us anymore. It took us a while to accept that as fact (and some still haven't), but when I got to a place of being more accepting that we'd never see her again in a therapeutic setting, I was able to think back over what had gone on and realized it really was her crap, not ours. I hope you all can get to that point soon. I can't promise the grief will go away entirely, because I'm not there myself yet, but it does get easier.

Are you going to let her refer you to someone else? That's what ours did. The lady she put us with is very different and we didn't like that at first, but now we're glad. Sometimes a change of scenery, so to speak, is a positive thing.

Hang in there!

-Mikaela

I'm really sorry. I tried to post a couple of times in this thread, but abandonment fears of my littles get me so triggered that it is hard. For what it's worth, I think it was a complete overreaction by your T to terminate you. There definitely are better Ts out there. My T has reassured me dozens of time he is "not leaving, not abandoning [me], not going away, not sending [me] away," ever. He said he's never terminated a client and can't even imagine a circumstance under which he would do that. The only things he's ever told my parts we can't do with him is choke him, to which one of mine said, "Well, there goes my plans for the night."

Anyway, that is to say that there are a lot of great Ts out there with experience in DID and who aren't so skittish. As horrible as it is, and I know it is crushing and I'm sorry I can't make it better, finding out sooner rather than to continue getting more and more attached to someone who obviously isn't safe is better. I really hope you find a T to work through this termination with. Any T going forward will understand if one of your first "interview" questions is whether they have termed clients, what for, what their procedure for it is, along with their experience with your diagnosis, etc.

I'm sorry, I'm being all practical here, but the truth is, I just want to offer lots of hugs, because even just imagining the pain your feeling has sent me running from this thread a few times already as my littlest ones take on that empathy. It hurts so much to repeat the experience of someone we should be able to trust being yet again untrustworthy. I have had that with some non-T, but similarly attachment-based, relationships with people who should have been safe as a part of their job. It makes every step toward attaching to or depending other human beings so much riskier for a long time. I'm sorry you have to go through it. Just want you to know you're not alone.

Yes, I agree, that was a wonderful post Aecy. I agree with what you wrote, and you said it very well.

Dividedtruth89, I understand why a T, or anyone, might feel threatened or betrayed by being recorded without consent, but I think it premature and hasty for her to end the relationship. And especially with her response in this last email, I would be scared that this was an omen of more bad things to come. Clients may often run away from therapy, but a good T will not run away from a client but will be constant and available to discuss and repair ruptures. That is part of what the therapy experience should be teaching us, that we can still be accepted as we work through these things in our relationship. Your T seems to be quick to abandon.

For what it's worth, I have been recording all my sessions -- every single one -- for the past 5 months. Although I did contemplate doing it secretly, instead I decided to ask my T for permission before I started doing it. Luckily for me, my T had no issues or hang-ups about it (which I think is one quality of a good T) and the recordings have been very helpful to me to review between sessions. Since it seems you need to find a new T, I would encourage you to bring up the recording request once you find a T who seems to hold promise. Get it out in the open, as has been suggested by others.

So sorry for your pain, but hopeful there is something better on the horizon. Good luck.

TwilightInsight wrote:I was able to think back over what had gone on and realized it really was her crap, not ours. I hope you all can get to that point soon. I can't promise the grief will go away entirely, because I'm not there myself yet, but it does get easier.

Are you going to let her refer you to someone else? That's what ours did. The lady she put us with is very different and we didn't like that at first, but now we're glad. Sometimes a change of scenery, so to speak, is a positive thing

I hope so too...thank you. Wow how long has it been since your T terminated, if you don't mind my asking? The lady she referred me to (after a ton of coaxing) actually was the one I had already called. See, I asked her on the phone if she could refer me to anyone, and she was real distant and just said I could email her a list of names and she'd let me know if she knew any of them. Haha I was like #######4 and instead in that email I sent her I also included a quote from her ad on psychologytoday.com, which said that if she couldn't help a client she would be happy to refer them to someone else. I was all like "can you at least give me a springboard to go off of?" While waiting for a reply I went ahead and took my chances and made a random selection, which just happened to be the first of 2 recommendations she sent me in her reply.

Sweet n Sour wrote:Dividedtruth89, I understand why a T, or anyone, might feel threatened or betrayed by being recorded without consent, but I think it premature and hasty for her to end the relationship.

This is the truth I know that makes me so sad...I just hate it that I betrayed someone's trust. I feel like that's been done to me so many times, I should have known better. I'm glad you have been able to record your sessions. I admit I still really want to record mine with the new T, but a piece of me says ABSOLUTELY NOT you are NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN or even asking about it. Even asking about it will trigger a sad response, especially if this new T says no, because then she'll give her reasoning, and you know her reasoning will be logical and probably the same as that of your old T. But I feel it would help me so much...so divided about EVERYTHING I do. Then again I'm also afraid of the recordings being too sad...

yakusoku wrote:I'm really sorry. I tried to post a couple of times in this thread, but abandonment fears of my littles get me so triggered that it is hard

Hey I totally understand. If I have "littles", (which I think I must because some of the cries I've cried just sound so familiar, like my cries from when I was 6 or 7) they are the ones who are taking this the hardest.

Once again, thanks to EVERYONE, your hugs are SOOOOOOO appreciated you have no idea.

Sorry!

Wow... that is a really extreme response... you emailed and apologized. Yes, it was a breech of trust. But you admitted that you made a mistake without being prompted. I would think that earned you at least a second chance.
It's also allot of trust she is expecting you to have. I mean recording the session so that you know what is going on when you are unaware is fair. I think you where within your personal rights.
I think that response is not 'OK'. At least she should have you in and talk about the issue and what would happen as a result if it could not be resolved. I'm angry at this response i'm sorry this has happened. I don't think the recording is that bad of a thing. after all it's your session, not hers.. she isn't spilling her guts out on tape right? now if she recorded you without asking that is different. lots of people record their sessions. many therapy books suggest it. please don't beat yourself up for it. and find a better therapist.

In another thread we have been discussing a possible explanation for this therapist's odd behavior. She may have undiagnosed DID. See DID Forum: Met New Therapist.

LostAndFound wrote:many therapy books suggest it. please don't beat yourself up for it. and find a better therapist.

Thanks LostandFound we'll see what happens with the next T...may or may not want to record lol. If I DO want to record though...

REST ASSURED I WILL ASK FIRST!

Not making that mistake again lol. Arghhh!!!! Too much nervousness! Where is the anxious icon when you need it????