no brainer, slowly learning, memories where you see yourself

So, when you have a memory where you see yourself in it, what does that mean? Does that mean it is dissociated? And can someone please tell me in laymen's terms what THAT means? Does that mean an alter was created during that memory?

I have lots of memories where I see myself. Tons, it seems. But none were particularly HORRIBLE. And I see myself in a lot of my memories in my T's office. What's up with that?

I just still don't get dissociation. Yeah yeah i know the whole driving somewhere and not knowing how you got there that's the normal kind. But what about the rest? If dissociation means cutting off emotion from memories, then I do it every day. I get home from work, my roommates ask me about it, and I usually say the same old thing. It's not that I don't remember my day at work, it's just that I have no emotional connection to it once I get home. Dissociation? Or just me being weird?

Seeing yourself as if watching from somewhere else in the room is a symptom of depersonalization. Depersonalization is a kind of dissociation. It does not necessarily mean that alters are involved nor that any splitting happened. Having many memories like this does suggest you use this form of depersonalization a lot as a coping strategy.

In one book by a therapist that I skimmed recently (sorry, I don't remember which one) there was the statement that this form of depersonalization has three levels of severity: (1) you go outside yourself; (2) you go outside yourself and float overhead; (3) you go inside yourself, into an empty black void like the vacuum of deep space or a black hole.

I do level 3, but it has happened only twice that I can remember, and both times my Alter 2 took executive control along with my Alter 1.

yeah but... I only see myself in the memory after the fact...in other words, in the present time when it occurred, it wasn't like I was watching myself from afar. I mean I feel like I had control. More like the emotion was so high, that everything was a blank, and it wasn't until I looked BACK on it that the MEMORY is like watching myself.

"So, when you have a memory where you see yourself in it, what does that mean? Does that mean it is dissociated? And can someone please tell me in laymen's terms what THAT means? Does that mean an alter was created during that memory?"

I agree with Una. That sounds like depersonalization, but I can't help you there. I know nothing about that.

I have no memories, but from what I have read... yes. With DID or DID-like DDNOS, you can dissociate and it can seem like you hoover above your body, watching it be abused when the event is actually happening. An alter is there taking the abuse. It can be new or one you have used before. I don't know if memories work like this though?

DT, do you also have memories of those events, from the point of view of being in your body?

I'm in the same boat as you, divided. It's strange but that's all I've ever seen in memories unless I TRY to see it from my eyes. It's almost forced to remember how my eyes could have seen a memory for me. Sorry for the lack of advice I wish I could help!

Una+ wrote:DT, do you also have memories of those events, from the point of view of being in your body?

99.9% of the time, no.

The rest of the time, What Katariina said, but only from the ones in the psychologist's office, and even then I'm not sure if I'm remembering the actual moment or if I'm looking at the moment before I see myself.

tylas wrote:I agree with Una. That sounds like depersonalization, but I can't help you there. I know nothing about that.

I have no memories, but from what I have read... yes. With DID or DID-like DDNOS, you can dissociate and it can seem like you hoover above your body, watching it be abused when the event is actually happening. An alter is there taking the abuse. It can be new or one you have used before. I don't know if memories work like this though?

I've experienced depersonalization, and though watching yourself through a memory is a symptom, it's not a main one. The main thing in depersonalization is that you don't feel real. You feel separate from your body, and often times you watch yourself do or say things instead of actually feeling like you are yourself in your body. I never floated above myself, but for me it felt like I was in a see-through cage. I'd watch my body move, or hear myself says things, and sometimes I'd be looking at myself as if I was standing next to myself. It can be hard to separate depersonalization from when an actual alter is there instead of you just not being fully connected.

I know for me the difference was is that when an alter came out, I either fully faded into time loss and felt no connection or control, or I felt more connected than when I'd watch myself, because I still felt like I was inside my mind at least, just not always fully in control. When I felt despersonalization, my body would feel tingly or numb, and I didn't feel connected to my own mind. I'd watch myself speak and I wouldn't know my own thought process, so whatever I said was a surprise to myself. When an alter came out and I didn't have time loss, I could often at least hear what they were thinking before they spoke or did anything. I still felt a connection to my mind.

dividedtruth89 wrote:yeah but... I only see myself in the memory after the fact...in other words, in the present time when it occurred, it wasn't like I was watching myself from afar. I mean I feel like I had control. More like the emotion was so high, that everything was a blank, and it wasn't until I looked BACK on it that the MEMORY is like watching myself.

For me, when an alter came out and I didn't experience time loss, all I can recall often is flashes of strong emotion. *possible trigger*

Example: Kat usually comes out when I'm really angry. When I'd fight with my dad, I don't remember what I said or did until I looked back on the memory. I'd remember feeling flashes of extreme rage and frustration, but that's it.
When I'd look back on the memory, I'm not in my body. I'm watching myself/my alter Kat fight with my dad. I still remember feeling the flashes of emotion, but the memory isn't from my eyes. I'm somewhere above or standing beside myself when I look back on the memory. So I know exactly what you're describing. The only difference is I didn't often feel like I still had control. I still felt a connection, and I knew I could fight what my body was doing if I extremely disagreed with it (like once Kat tried to physically attack my dad), but it was a lot of effort and I'd usually end up nearly passing out, with the world fading in and out of blackness.

Still, experiencing both, I don't think it's depersonalization since you weren't watching yourself from afar when it occurred and you still felt like you had some sort of control.


I don't know if this helps at all, but I thought I'd let you know that you're not the only one with experiences like what you're describing.

tomboy24 wrote:Still, experiencing both, I don't think it's depersonalization since you weren't watching yourself from afar when it occurred and you still felt like you had some sort of control.

Interesting...I am not sure I know what control is anymore lol. What I was trying to convey was that I definitely wasn't watching myself...I don't know what I was looking at...because in the memory I see me, not what I'm looking at(well I'm looking towards the left but I don't see what I'm seeing from my perception, if that makes any sense...for example, what I should have seen was the bookcase in my therapist's office. but I don't recall seeing it as I said the phrase that came out of my mouth.)

I say "came out of" because it felt like I was compelled to tell the truth, with all the emotion present...I have felt compelled to do things for a long time, yet have always considered myself to be in control. I am only now beginning to realize that being compelled to do anything is the exact opposite of control...

It makes sense. Do you feel connected to your body when you feel compelled to say things? Because if you still thought that you were in control yet compelled to do/say things, that feeling of compulsion is closer to an alter instead of depersonalization. With depersonalization, at least with me, I didn't feel anything except for numbness and feeling disconnected. I didn't feel compelled to do anything, simply watched myself doing/saying things. With an alter, I feel strong compulsions to do/say things, some of which I can control and others I can't yet. And usually when I look back on a memory when I don't lose time when an alter was out, I'm not seeing it from my body's perspective like I should be. And forgetting/not seeing details such as what you should've been looking at, like the bookcase, is more closer to an alter in my experience than depersonalization. With that, you usually remember seeing everything. Nothing really changes in your memories or during that moment except that you feel like it's not really happening.