no brainer, slowly learning, memories where you see yourself

Hey that really helps me, I appreciate your insight, totally. And although I haven't really accepted that I have "alters", I'm willing to accept the possibility.

tomboy24 wrote:Do you feel connected to your body when you feel compelled to say things?

In a weird way I guess yeah? It depends on the situation? Like, when you say "connected to your body", are you referring to a sense of CONTROL with my body? Because the compulsion happens with body things too. I'm constantly doing something without realizing. For example, when I was younger, I was trying to teach myself how to type even though we didn't have a computer. I would sometimes hear words on t.v. and then maime the typing action with my fingers, trying to get faster and faster (type over 60 wpm on a good day now ) The other day in therapy I did just that. I didn't consciously decide to do it, I realized I was doing it as it was happening. So...if this means I am lacking in a connection to my body, then heck I don't know what's going on. Cuz I thought EVERYONE had moments where they do stuff subconsciously, don't they?

I don't know if I have ever felt 100% connected to my body, lol, sometimes it seems like I have to consciously place my awareness ON my body in order to remember that I'm not just a brain and a soul. Like I remember being 9 and having to look at my hand for a really long time in order to convince myself that I was real...once again I didn't know that wasn't normal and not everyone felt like that...unless I'm just making something out of nothing.

dividedtruth89 wrote:In a weird way I guess yeah? It depends on the situation? Like, when you say "connected to your body", are you referring to a sense of CONTROL with my body? Because the compulsion happens with body things too. I'm constantly doing something without realizing. For example, when I was younger, I was trying to teach myself how to type even though we didn't have a computer. I would sometimes hear words on t.v. and then maime the typing action with my fingers, trying to get faster and faster (type over 60 wpm on a good day now ) The other day in therapy I did just that. I didn't consciously decide to do it, I realized I was doing it as it was happening. So...if this means I am lacking in a connection to my body, then heck I don't know what's going on. Cuz I thought EVERYONE had moments where they do stuff subconsciously, don't they?

I don't know if I have ever felt 100% connected to my body, lol, sometimes it seems like I have to consciously place my awareness ON my body in order to remember that I'm not just a brain and a soul. Like I remember being 9 and having to look at my hand for a really long time in order to convince myself that I was real...once again I didn't know that wasn't normal and not everyone felt like that...unless I'm just making something out of nothing.

Everyone does things subconsciously from time to time, DID or depersonalization or not.

I guess what I mean by connected to your body is not necessarily control, but just that you feel real, even after you realize you've said or done something out of compulsion. Like, during or after doing/saying things out of compulsion, do you feel like you aren't real, or that you're outside your body, or do you get any sensations that make you feel less real such as numbness or a tingly feeling? Like how you were explaining when you were 9, do you feel like you have to tell yourself that you are real and the current situation is real during/after doing or saying something out of compulsion?

I felt like you did when you were 9 before, but I was in high school. That was one of my first experiences with depersonliazation actually. And even then I had to ask one of my closest friends, "hey. am I really here? is this really happening? can you touch me and make sure I'm real?" Thankfully, they didn't treat me like a wacko.

I'm glad I had an educated therapist because when I first got into therapy, I must have been a confusing mess with PTSD, DID, and depersonalization all criss-crossing symptoms.

tomboy24 wrote:Like how you were explaining when you were 9, do you feel like you have to tell yourself that you are real and the current situation is real during/after doing or saying something out of compulsion?

Well, now I'm confused.

The way I felt when I was 9, I never STOPPED feeling that way. I specifically remember asking my mom (that day we were driving in the van and I had to ask myself if I was real), I asked her "Mom do you ever have to look at your hand for a really long time or something in order to believe that you're real?" She said "no, but I wish I did feel that way, maybe it's a good thing and it helps you to be thankful to God that you're alive."

So I just stopped trying to convince myself that's all. Sometimes I "convince myself" by having to look in the mirror a long time, etc, or look at my hand like I just did lol. It never went away, though. Rather, I've had really scary moments where I felt REALER and I totally freaked out. That real feeling always wears off though lol. I'm always pinching myself to see if I'm dreaming.

When I told my T she said not to get scared, when I feel that way just think of it as if I'm on a roller coaster (at which point I actually had a flashback of BEING on a roller coaster all scared and $#%^ and crying. That's one of the memories in her office where I see myself lol. What's weird is I see myself as a child, wearing the same outfit I was wearing that day on the roller coaster. Coincidentally, I was 9 in that memory too.)

so uh, if I haven't just confused you to death, let me know what you think, cuz you seem to have some insight lol and you use short easy words that are not too hard on my very inexperienced ears

I get depersonalization too, for most of my life I've had depersonalization or derealization. For me derealization is the world around me not seeming real, or like a wall seeming a million miles away even though it's right next to me, but I still feel real and connected to my body.

Depersonalization feels like when a baby looks at it's own hands or toes for ages because it's fascinated by how they move and doesn't realize the limbs belong to it, well I do that too! Lol. Also I sometimes don't recognize myself in a mirror, I know it's me because I know what I look like and it moves it's face when I do, but looking at the reflection is like looking at another person's face. When I'm depersonalized and on the surface, it feels like I'm a speck of human essence floating about inside a vacuum of empty space inside my head. I don't know how my body moves because I don't feel as if I'm connected to it. My face is blank & expressionless, I look to others like "the lights are on but nobody's home". I'll speak only when spoken to, answering questions mechanically, slowly, with effort & lots of long blinks because trying to get a thought out is like trying to swim through treacle.

When someone else is on the surface I feel like I'm "sitting in the backseat and someone else is driving the car" i.e. I can hear the conversation, I'm aware of the scenery changing, but other than asking "please calm down" or voicing an opinion or whatever, or by taking back control, there's nothing I can do.

I'm not sure how whoever is on the surface gets there, it seems to be whoever needs to be there and that can change every few minutes at times. When whoever is on the surface is not aware of anyone in the background, we've discovered we can tell who we are by the way we're behaving or thinking, or else by looking to see who is on the inside and whoever isn't there - that's me lol. x

Kerry H wrote:My face is blank & expressionless, I look to others like "the lights are on but nobody's home". I'll speak only when spoken to, answering questions mechanically, slowly, with effort & lots of long blinks because trying to get a thought out is like trying to swim through treacle.

Wow I totally can relate to this part. I went on a very emotional trip to see some family (which is when most of this $#%^ went down), and I felt like everything was new. Literally like I was a small child experiencing the world for the first time. Not caring if I interrupted the adults' conversation because my feelings are very important at the time!

Now I look back and I'm like what the ###$!!! Seriously? Anyone who was meeting me for the first time must have thought I was, well, mentally challenged to put it nicely. The R word if you want to understand what it really must have looked like to everyone else.

KerryH put it nicely.

My experiences have been similar, but you seem to be able to identify with KerryH's experiences more. I'm no therapist, you seem to have a lot of connections with depersonalization symptoms, so I'd look into that more. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of DID, especially with how you've experienced a childish voice inside your head before and along with the depersonalization, seem to adopt childish feelings, like not caring about interrupting conversations. It seems you've got what I had, where the symptoms confusingly criss-cross and it's hard to tell them apart. It can get annoying, but hang in there. I'm no therapist, but I think right now you experience depersonalization more often, with a possibility of an alter coming out during times of extreme depersonalization. Such as the child voice and childish feelings after feeling disconnected during your emotional trip.

It's common to feel depersonalization during alter switches, unknown co-hosting, or emotional times that might trigger an alter but the alter doesn't fully come out. It's also common to feel depersonalization during times of extreme stress, major life changes (like moving out for the first time), and it can be a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. I know when I have flashbacks, I go through depersonalization both before I completely fade into the flashback and when I come back out of it.

No case of DID, PTSD, or depersonalization are the same, but people with them can have similar experiences and symptoms. I'm glad you seem to be at least feeling better about things with being able to identify with other people on this site and know that you're not alone in what you feel/experience.