WTF *Trigger: Ranting/Anger/Language*

Who the hell am I kidding? I don't have alters...........!!! Are you kidding me???

Before you tell me, "I totally understand!" or "I feel the same way!", please just read for a second, please?

I've been all encouraging and supportive of other people on here, and all "positive" about my DID diagnosis. But seriously... are you freakin kidding me? Who the hell am i kidding?? Who the ###$ am I kidding???

It's like a f--king MIND trip. A total F-*king mind trip. And where is it getting me? It's getting me spending endless hours on this time-wasting site (sorry, no offense), when I could be doing other more productive things. It's getting me talking in all sorts of funny voices to my therapist who is fully and 100% convinced that I have alters and that I have DID (she didn't even bother with the DDNOS diagnosis!). Is she right, or do I have her wrapped around my little finger. I mean, seriously. It's getting me in trouble with my SO who doesn't want to have to handhold a F*@king FOUR YEAR OLD instead of a GIRLFRIEND! That's not what she signed up for.

Why am I so convinced that I have DID? I mean, really...? Because a few people made affirmative comments in that direction on some stupid post I posted??? Who the hell am I kidding?

I'm probably sounding harsh if I do, in fact, have alters, but I could give a S*#T less right now. Maybe I'm not the loving and nurturing type. But seriously, WTF??? I DON'T EVEN LOSE ######6 TIME!!! I DON'T HAVE ANY HISTORY OF ABUSE! WHO AM I KIDDING???

And then of all things, my therapist thinks that trauma from a car accident I was in while I was in the womb (ie pre-birth ie mom's tummy) is something I'm carrying and need to somehow release. I wasn't even born yet!!! It's total f'ing crazy making. Just because I have a really good imagination and can act really well doesn't mean I have some serious mental disorder. But the sad part about the whole thing is, I don't even think I'm acting. I've convinced myself that this is what it is. Between me and my therapist, well... we're quite a pair of crazies aren't we.

Maybe I was miserable before my DID diagnosis, but at least I wasn't delusional! Now all of a sudden it seems that alters are coming out of the f#@king woodwork. You just open the gate one little crack and they come pouring through. Are you kidding? With names and everything? I feel like a f@#king sideshow!

I have more control over my own life than to let my imagination run wild with crap like this. It's getting ridiculous. Really, really ridiculous. I just need to stop playing these stupid games that I've been playing. Because they aren't funny anymore. And my therapist really needs to slow down this freakin DID wheel from spinning out of absolute freakin control before someone or something gets hurt. Shouldn't she be the one doubting it, not me? What is wrong with this picture???

Okay so I had a distant mom. Who doesn't? That's not going to create alters. WTF. I'm not going to sit here and cry and moan about it. Why don't I just get up and move on. It really isn't that hard. Do I have "trauma consciousness" or some $#%^ like that that some therapist along the way implanted in my brain? You know, like victim consciousness?...

Okay so I've had a hard time falling asleep tonight. I've had yelling voices in my head. So what, I'm gonna magically turn those voices into alters and call them persecutors??? GET A LIFE CAROLINE! I'm having a hard time falling asleep because I'm too lazy to get my ass off the couch and into my bed! It's as simple as that! Why does it have to be some long, complicated explanation for everything. It's really not that complicated!

I hope I didn't trigger anyone by my rant, but then again I'm sick and tired of being worried about each and every word I say, and whether it's going to hurt someone's feelings on here.

So now I bet everyone on here is going to try to convince me that this type of thinking is "completely normal" for someone who has DID... I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE IT FOR ONE MORE SECOND! I refuse to be put in a box and labeled. Isn't my existence more meaningful than a bunch of labels??? I need to break out of this freakin box! STOP LABELING ME!

So now I'm gonna get my lazy ass once and for all off the couch so I can catch a few hours of sleep before work. And YES I work! I spend so much of my work time, when I should be doing other things, on this stupid site. Ugh. It sickens me and yet I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe there is a part of me that believes, or wants to believe in this crap. No I take that back, I really don't want to. All I want is to live a simple existence. I don't want to be a freak. I don't want to be an outcast. I don't want to be an outsider. I just want to be me, plain and simple. So if that's the truth, why am I letting this view of "me" get so muddled? How can there be more than "one" of me. It doesn't make any sense. How can there be more than one "person" in the same body, it doesn't make any sense. And even if it does make sense for other people, it doesn't make sense for me. I don't have an "inner world" where there's a nice big house and everyone has their own room and there's a playground, etc etc etc. NO INNER WORLD. Just me. And my crazy made-up delusions.

Maybe someday I'll figure all this out. I just really hope to god it's someday soon.

I'm feeling the same way. Except I'm not co-contious so its harder for me to reason my way out of this. BUT..... when I come back I feel like I just woke up from a crazy dream and it's right there at my finger tips and if I can figure out a way to look at it with out looking at it I can remember what just happened... what I just did. Because of course I DID do it.... I must have found this crazy loop hole to forgetting $#%^. it's brilliant... but really how do I turn this $#%^ off? I'm done with this craziness. I too opened the door just a crack and all of "THEM" fell out. I'm 27 ######6 years old.... I can't hold a job, I can't see my kids.... I can't live my life.... so I made all this $#%^ up. It's one big excuse. No one ever hurt me. I too can't remember any abuse.... nothing that would be qualifying of long term persistent terrible abuse.... Sure my dad always had his hand down my pants while we cuddled and watched TV. Sure my parents had a physically abusive relationship and a nasty divorce. Sure I had no friends... but really? nothing horrific! People have been through worse and have come out fine. but me...?? no... I just spiral out of control and ######6 live in an eating disorder and craziness.... I brought this all on myself. It must be for the attention. Am I so attention starved that I made all this $#%^ up? I have recurrent dreams where my parents confront me about making all this $#%^ up and how I need to stop this. I want to stop it. I can't stop it. Please make it stop!!
Now my BF won't even touch me. He won't be sexual affectionate. He doesn't want me anymore. I ######6 hate my life. I just want this all to stop. Pandora's box indeed! God Damn it I just want it to stop. I fight going to therapy cause it just makes things worse. Just lock me in a padded room. drug me and let me starve to death. That's what I deserve.

I feel the same way at times. My therpist said something in response to me stating I had a lack of trauma history. "That's the thing with amnesia; you don't know you forgot until you remember." Or something like that. Good point.

I can't tell you whether you have it or not. That's something you have to work out for yourself, I guess. I'm not so sure about the "in the womb" theory myself, honestly, heh. And distant parents can totally cause DID if it's done the right/wrong way. I'm DID, as far as I can tell, because my mom would always switch between spoiling me and treating me like she didn't want me to exist when it wasn't convenient for her. Which is ironic, because I had a ton more trauma later on, just, not as much that I can remember as a little kid, you know?

But the stupid thing about the whole childhood trauma is that it was childhood, so you're already kinda far removed from it by the time it comes out.

There is only one "me." But it feels, to me, like the "me" looking out of my eyes, along with emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc. changes.

And the "me" that was just looking out of my eyes is now taking a back seat, commenting or adding input while another is looking out of my eyes. And the one looking out of the eyes always feels like it is "me" while the other is "not me". But that "not me" can become "me." But it always feels like "me" was always "me", regardless of which subset takes control. It makes my skin crawl, no matter which one is currently "me", to think that "I" could be anything less than "Me." But when I'm not in control, I'm classified as "not me." So we like to pretend we're never "not me." That we're one person, always the same person, that the "me"ness is a person instead of just a position, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because the alternative makes me sick to my stomach no matter which "me" is me.

Even though we're all "me", I strive against myself and we have been in huge fights, wars, even. I'm always having to mediate between my sub-selves. They seem to have separate wills, regardless of whether I want them to or not.

Is it DID? Is id DD-NOS? Is it just the result of me retreating into my own head in my teens and creating alternate characters that got out of hand?

To be honest, I don't know either, and I don't really care, all I know is that it hurts more to say it's fake than to just roll with it and see what I can do to fix it. Because regardless of whether it's DID or not, there are problems, and they are there, and viewing it and working with it this way seems to help, while trying to force myself to be one single will just doesn't work anymore. It did when I was a teenager, but it doesn't work anymore, so... Umm. I forgot what I was saying.

Anyhow. I majorly identify with your rant.
If something is wrong, deal with it. Just do what seems to work best without worrying about the labels and the trauma and all of that. You aren't a label, you're a person. Pretend the labels don't exist, find a personal sense of normality. [###$ everybody else's. Everyone makes their own freaking normal anyhow, yah know?]

And heck. Most people live under delusions of various sorts as far as I can tell. Don't worry about it. ^_^ Just focus on figuring out what can be done to deal with whatever you're going through. And if that means finding a T you feel more comfortable with, heck. Why not?

brandic wrote:I've been all encouraging and supportive of other people on here, and all "positive" about my DID diagnosis.

First and foremost, thank you for that. I greatly appreciated your positive posts, and how you read EVERYTHING I wrote despite the length.

It's like a f--king MIND trip. A total F-*king mind trip. And where is it getting me? It's getting me spending endless hours on this time-wasting site (sorry, no offense), when I could be doing other more productive things. It's getting me talking in all sorts of funny voices to my therapist who is fully and 100% convinced that I have alters and that I have DID (she didn't even bother with the DDNOS diagnosis!). Is she right, or do I have her wrapped around my little finger. I mean, seriously. It's getting me in trouble with my SO who doesn't want to have to handhold a F*@king FOUR YEAR OLD instead of a GIRLFRIEND! That's not what she signed up for.

I also consider this daily, especially on meds, though more for my bipolar. I question it every day. 'Maybe it was just a normal, stress related breakdown?' 'Maybe I was seeking attention?' 'Maybe my subconcious wanted to have some fun, or something, and I'm playing along so no one thinks I did it just for the attention?' 'Maybe my psychologist led me to believe I had bipolar by asking all the right questions?'

Why am I so convinced that I have DID? I mean, really...? Because a few people made affirmative comments in that direction on some stupid post I posted??? Who the hell am I kidding?

The reason I posted my questions here, is because it's easier for others to look in than for you to look in. At least, it is for me. Sometimes other people see things where I will try to rationalize it all away. -hug- Sounded like you needed that here.

I'm probably sounding harsh if I do, in fact, have alters, but I could give a S*#T less right now. Maybe I'm not the loving and nurturing type. But seriously, WTF??? I DON'T EVEN LOSE ######6 TIME!!! I DON'T HAVE ANY HISTORY OF ABUSE! WHO AM I KIDDING???

And then of all things, my therapist thinks that trauma from a car accident I was in while I was in the womb (ie pre-birth ie mom's tummy) is something I'm carrying and need to somehow release. I wasn't even born yet!!! It's total f'ing crazy making. Just because I have a really good imagination and can act really well doesn't mean I have some serious mental disorder. But the sad part about the whole thing is, I don't even think I'm acting. I've convinced myself that this is what it is. Between me and my therapist, well... we're quite a pair of crazies aren't we.

I have to admit, if your therapist is saying a car accident in the womb caused DIDs, then I definitely have it. My mom fell down an entire flight of stairs, on her stomach like a body surfer, while I was all cozy inside. She said it was her seventh month too.

And I have a ROARING imagination also. I can get completely LOST in daydreams, where my husband will have to literally shake me to get me to come to, so I can understand wondering if you just thought it all up.

Maybe I was miserable before my DID diagnosis, but at least I wasn't delusional! Now all of a sudden it seems that alters are coming out of the f#@king woodwork. You just open the gate one little crack and they come pouring through. Are you kidding? With names and everything? I feel like a f@#king sideshow!

Perhaps, and not to anger you or frustrate you further, but perhaps you have stuffed them down for so long that they are leaking out slowly? Maybe most stayed hidden for a while? I can now recall, after having gone through my journals and talking to my best friend, shoving down a girl I called 'Sam'. I shoved her into a little tiny cage, because she used to be very, very mean. I don't know if I 'created' her so I could have something to shove into a mental box, or if she was actually real, but she got me through the 'trauma' of middle school. I used to be picked on a lot back then. Anywho, perhaps you've just ignored them or shut them away for so long that, when you finally explored the possibility, they started tentatively testing the waters again.

Just a thought.

I have more control over my own life than to let my imagination run wild with crap like this. It's getting ridiculous. Really, really ridiculous. I just need to stop playing these stupid games that I've been playing. Because they aren't funny anymore. And my therapist really needs to slow down this freakin DID wheel from spinning out of absolute freakin control before someone or something gets hurt. Shouldn't she be the one doubting it, not me? What is wrong with this picture???

Okay so I had a distant mom. Who doesn't? That's not going to create alters. WTF. I'm not going to sit here and cry and moan about it. Why don't I just get up and move on. It really isn't that hard. Do I have "trauma consciousness" or some $#%^ like that that some therapist along the way implanted in my brain? You know, like victim consciousness?...

Tell her/him to slow the f down. Tell her/him you are overwhelmed and doubting the diagnosis, that you just want a breather. You don't have to beat yourself up daily, wondering if you're making things up. -hug- I haven't been to a competent therapist yet, so I couldn't say if he/she is doing things right or wrong though.

Has she/he tried hypnosis on you?


[/quote]Okay so I've had a hard time falling asleep tonight. I've had yelling voices in my head. So what, I'm gonna magically turn those voices into alters and call them persecutors??? GET A LIFE CAROLINE! I'm having a hard time falling asleep because I'm too lazy to get my ass off the couch and into my bed! It's as simple as that! Why does it have to be some long, complicated explanation for everything. It's really not that complicated![/quote]

Do you have a hard time falling asleep most nights? What were you thinking, if you don't mind me asking? Maybe just writing down the yelling thoughts, giving them a voice before they 'become' someone will help. I'm too new to be giving real advice, so if this doesn't work or has never worked, then I apologize. I know sometimes it helps me (if you haven't noticed from my last terribly long post) to just sit and slash at a piece of paper for a while.

I hope I didn't trigger anyone by my rant, but then again I'm sick and tired of being worried about each and every word I say, and whether it's going to hurt someone's feelings on here.

It's good to let it out sometimes, without worrying about the eggshells beneath you. -big hug-

So now I bet everyone on here is going to try to convince me that this type of thinking is "completely normal" for someone who has DID... I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE IT FOR ONE MORE SECOND! I refuse to be put in a box and labeled. Isn't my existence more meaningful than a bunch of labels??? I need to break out of this freakin box! STOP LABELING ME!

I won't tell you it's normal. I can't. What the heck is normal? If I have DIDs, then mine is definitely not the same as your description, nor is it the same as Una+'s. Nor do you two sound the same. So what would be 'normal'? According to the DMV? Even that's not a good indication, considering the amount of DDNOS out there.

Your not being labeled. If anything, you are being labeled as Brandic to me. Brandic is kind, patient, and a little eccentric. Brandic is knowledgeable. Brandic is a little upset and frustrated right now. But Brandic is not this tiny little box called DID, neatly labeled and shelved somewhere. You exist. I don't know (yet) your hobbies, or your job, or anything like that, but I would like to know (not trying to sound creepy) because Brandic is a very interesting person.

So now I'm gonna get my lazy ass once and for all off the couch so I can catch a few hours of sleep before work. And YES I work! I spend so much of my work time, when I should be doing other things, on this stupid site. Ugh. It sickens me and yet I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe there is a part of me that believes, or wants to believe in this crap. No I take that back, I really don't want to. All I want is to live a simple existence. I don't want to be a freak. I don't want to be an outcast. I don't want to be an outsider. I just want to be me, plain and simple. So if that's the truth, why am I letting this view of "me" get so muddled? How can there be more than "one" of me. It doesn't make any sense. How can there be more than one "person" in the same body, it doesn't make any sense. And even if it does make sense for other people, it doesn't make sense for me. I don't have an "inner world" where there's a nice big house and everyone has their own room and there's a playground, etc etc etc. NO INNER WORLD. Just me. And my crazy made-up delusions.

I did the same thing last night, and the night before. Spent about six hours online, or more. Fell asleep twice on my couch waiting for answers. Got about four hours of sleep before work. I'm in the Navy. I've yelled at myself twice for it, for not picking up the dishes and putting them in the sink, for not vacuuming, ect. But, eh, what can I do? Right now, this is gripping my attention, and it won't let go until I'm satisfied. Maybe that's what will happen with you, as well?

About believing, or not....You can always stuff them in a box. Stuff them away, ignore the voices, and eventually they may subside again. But, who knows what will happen then? Maybe 'Sam' was an alter of mine, and after years of literally keeping her locked up, she finally caused my meltdown. I never want another meltdown, ever. If I have to dredge 'Sam' up and look her straight in the face and take her beating for the years she's been locked away, so be it. As long as I am sane enough to keep working, keep breathing, keep being a mom... I've never had an inner world either (other than my daydreams). No house, no garden (my friend has an inner garden she takes care of), no nothing.

Maybe someday I'll figure all this out. I just really hope to god it's someday soon.

I hope you do. -hug-

Thanks for your responses. I think I really needed to get that off my chest. I also think I've been spending way too much time on here, not so much lately as a tool for gaining knowledge and support but more of an obsession that I can't stay away from. I need to work on that.

I don't think I was just being lazy last night. I have a tendency to demean and belittle things sometimes when they are hard. Last night was hard, and venting made me feel a lot better.

I still do question the diagnosis, but I also wonder if that's one of those things that will always be there in the back of my mind - "keeping me in line." Cause sometimes, even though they are legitimate problems, doesn't it feel like we're just complaining sometimes? I know it feels that way for me. I just don't want to live my life pathologizing myself, if that makes any sense.

There are times when I feel like it's all going to hell, and then other times I feel strangely calm in knowing (or maybe just hoping) that it's all going to work out. I don't know, maybe that's where I'm being delusional! I am starting to see what a strange and difficult thing it is trying to wrap your head around DID. My goal, although I know I will fail miserably at it at times, is to maintain a curiosity about it.

(Linaeve, the angry thoughts were just that - angry thoughts. Not much in the way of content. Just screaming profanities mostly...)

LinaeveWorkman wrote:About believing, or not....You can always stuff them in a box. Stuff them away, ignore the voices, and eventually they may subside again. But, who knows what will happen then?

I stuffed my insiders for decades. Then suddenly last year they broke out. By the time I began therapy I was a sleep-deprived, sex-crazed, panic-stricken, delusional, crying, trembling, hysterical wreck. Part of what set me off was someone showing me a couples counseling video clip about stuffing it. Watch the clip on YouTube.

Since then I experienced a cathartic meeting with my insiders during which they begged me not to stuff them back in their boxes, and I promised I wouldn't do that to them ever again. I have waves of disbelief about all this, but that no longer matters because the bottom line is I made a promise.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Here, here! It's great to hear someone say all that. And with the rant and anger. F**kin' A Caroline.

John... thank you for appreciating my rant. I was going to go in and edit it out, and then I reread what you wrote and thought I would leave it. It was nice getting it off my chest, but I am a little embarrassed by it...

Johnny-Jack wrote:'ve been depressed in my life, debilitating depressions, and therapy's never fixed it. My three older "alters" all admit we're the same person, that this whole thing was a big mistake, we made it all up. The babies, they're a part of me too.

Yes, I think some of my parts are convinced that we don't have DID (and have tried talking me out of it - talk about irony) and others think we do but we are all "me".

Johnny-Jack wrote: I can't explain how I could be so good generating the sudden overwhelming unexpected emotions of my "other parts." I'm not that good an actor and for what purpose. I cry everyday now. If anyone is really here, WHY oh freakin WHY didn't anyone speak up years ago!?!

You make a good point here. I've asked myself the same question. Am I really that good of an actor? I don't think so. And also, why would I possibly want to make this up...?

Johnny-Jack wrote: The discussion on DID vs DDNOS is freaking me out too. Academically it's fascinating but I can't participate. Did I have DID as a kid, that turned into DDNOS (losing maybe 0.01% of time for decades, regular people lose more than that), now it's back to DID because I chose to deal with this? The T says it doesn't matter and doesn't even like the distinction.

Yes, I do really need to stop worrying about this. My T says the same thing, and somehow my mind becomes obsessed with trying to figure out which one it is! The truth is, there is no doubt I'm dissociative, and there is no doubt I have different pronounced personality states who think and act very differently. Whether it's DID or DDNOS is like a dog trying to chase its own tail.

Johnny-Jack wrote: I was journaling before joining this board and coming up with insights and flashbacks daily and now still flashbacks but most memories are blocked by some fictional "thing" I call a sphinx.

Is the sphinx now fictional? Or has it/he always been?

Johnny-Jack wrote: Yesterday I went blank, dissociated in the middle of giving a presentation to colleagues. It was OBVIOUS. Thank god a colleague jumped in to pick up my thread until I could pull it back together. In a later meeting I smashed my laptop shut because I electricity-frizzed it. My poor assistants looked at me like I'd gone nuts because I'd never done anything like that before. I kept going blank and other parts tried to take over -- in front of colleagues! This stuff is invading my work, my sanctuary of self-value and my safety net. I'm disintegrating for what? I'm going through this for what? Why did I even open this Pandora's box in therapy? Everyone who's supposedly inside had slept mostly for decades. I want to go back to the crappy dead life before all this showed up.

YES! Pandora's Box. That's exactly how it feels sometimes.

-- Fri Jul 08, 2011 8:55 am --

LinaeveWorkman wrote:

brandic wrote:I've been all encouraging and supportive of other people on here, and all "positive" about my DID diagnosis.

First and foremost, thank you for that. I greatly appreciated your positive posts, and how you read EVERYTHING I wrote despite the length.

Thank you. I really do enjoy reading and commenting on people's posts, and I appreciate your being so willing to share your writings and put yourself out there like that. In my opinion that took courage.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:

Why am I so convinced that I have DID? I mean, really...? Because a few people made affirmative comments in that direction on some stupid post I posted??? Who the hell am I kidding?

The reason I posted my questions here, is because it's easier for others to look in than for you to look in. At least, it is for me. Sometimes other people see things where I will try to rationalize it all away. -hug- Sounded like you needed that here.

Yes, you've got a good point here. It's really easy to rationalize things away on our own, and it's really invaluable having the feedback and "outsiders perspective" of others.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I have to admit, if your therapist is saying a car accident in the womb caused DIDs, then I definitely have it. My mom fell down an entire flight of stairs, on her stomach like a body surfer, while I was all cozy inside. She said it was her seventh month too.

**poss triggers - car accident **
Yes, my therapist does believe it was traumatic for me as well. The engine of the car basically landed on my mom's lap. She was trapped in the car with her husband (my dad) unconscious on the ground outside and her son (my brother), who was 4 at the time, wandering around the car crying. She lost so much blood she had to have a series of blood transfusions over the next week. Because it was such an intense trauma for her (and I believe affected my ability to bond with her), she believes it had an impact on me and my DID/DDNOS. I don't believe she thinked it caused my DID, but she thinks it affected me.
** end poss triggers **

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Perhaps, and not to anger you or frustrate you further, but perhaps you have stuffed them down for so long that they are leaking out slowly? Maybe most stayed hidden for a while?

Yes, I think this is the case. I think I've tried so hard shoving these things down, that when someone (my therapist) finally acknowledged the presence of other parts inside, it was like opening Pandora's box. I need to be more gentle and loving with myself about it.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Has she/he tried hypnosis on you?

No, I'm pretty sure, as a general rule of thumb, hypnosis isn't the best idea for people with DID. I don't think she does hypnosis anyway. She does do EMDR, but she hasn't done that with me yet. That's also a tricky one for people with DID, although I've read it can be helpful in small, manageable doses. It's something she's mentioned as a possibility.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I won't tell you it's normal. I can't. What the heck is normal? If I have DIDs, then mine is definitely not the same as your description, nor is it the same as Una+'s. Nor do you two sound the same. So what would be 'normal'? According to the DMV? Even that's not a good indication, considering the amount of DDNOS out there.

Yes, I'm noticing that DID manifests itself differently in everyone as well, that there is no "normal" with DID lol.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Your not being labeled. If anything, you are being labeled as Brandic to me. Brandic is kind, patient, and a little eccentric. Brandic is knowledgeable. Brandic is a little upset and frustrated right now. But Brandic is not this tiny little box called DID, neatly labeled and shelved somewhere. You exist. I don't know (yet) your hobbies, or your job, or anything like that, but I would like to know (not trying to sound creepy) because Brandic is a very interesting person.

Thank you, this brought a smile to my face.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:About believing, or not....You can always stuff them in a box. Stuff them away, ignore the voices, and eventually they may subside again. But, who knows what will happen then? Maybe 'Sam' was an alter of mine, and after years of literally keeping her locked up, she finally caused my meltdown. I never want another meltdown, ever. If I have to dredge 'Sam' up and look her straight in the face and take her beating for the years she's been locked away, so be it. As long as I am sane enough to keep working, keep breathing, keep being a mom... I've never had an inner world either (other than my daydreams). No house, no garden (my friend has an inner garden she takes care of), no nothing.

Beautifully said. I'm a master stuffer. This rant was one big angry (albeit needed) stuff. But if I want to heal and get better, I must acknowledge the reality that I have parts of me who have been very hurt, and really need love and kindness right now. So... thanks.

Brandic, i get what you're saying and im not trying to confuse you either way. cause i seem to be recovering from a dissociative disorder, but i also had a facticious disorder in my teens and had a lot of doctors "wrapped around my little finger", so i know tho denial is a big problem with mental illness, it isn't all always denial. i remember when i first said i really wasn't psychotic in my teens, people started going on about denial which was just so emotionally invalidating. so i am not going to judge you either way. i think you need to figure things out for yourself.

ive spent a lot of time here, but ive spent time working on issues, not just trying to work out what issues i have. i posted what was problematic for me where would help, without worrying too much about dx. some things about dx were things i had to face eventually, but only when they came up cause of my issues.

i wasn't sure i had DDNOS until i integrated and realised how different my experience really was. It could be talked about and treated in the same way as DID, and yes it was related, but I still think there is a difference between my own problems and full DID, even though that difference is probably only a sliding scale from milder to more severe.

about talking to your therapist in funny voices, i guess if it is DID causing it, it will happen whether you like it or not! if not, i can understand getting carried away with things too. when i was one of my child parts i wouldn't talk in a funny voice, i'd i would just be acting/feeling more like a child, lol. my therapist noticed and pointed out how the expression on my face was like the one a child gets, and i looked at what was going on more closely. if i had started talking in funny voices i would have been making that up, though i did often sound & come across different, but it was a lot more subtle than that. - but i felt like i was expected to do things like that if i really did have DID.

brandic wrote:Just because I have a really good imagination and can act really well doesn't mean I have some serious mental disorder. But the sad part about the whole thing is, I don't even think I'm acting. I've convinced myself that this is what it is. Between me and my therapist, well... we're quite a pair of crazies aren't we.

this is where it gets confusing for you, and i really relate to that from more than one perspective.

brandic wrote:Maybe I was miserable before my DID diagnosis, but at least I wasn't delusional! Now all of a sudden it seems that alters are coming out of the f#@king woodwork. You just open the gate one little crack and they come pouring through. Are you kidding? With names and everything? I feel like a f@#king sideshow!

well, my delusions (lol) didn't have names, i had to ask them to choose. it didn't all come pouring through just like that, they appeared more slowly one by one and i didn't really know what was going on. the delusional thing is tricky both ways, i guess there are different sorts of delusions - the sort that you get in psychosis like schizophrenia, and what i guess you could call "soft delusions". i think both convincing yourself you have a mental illness, and having DID involve delusions you could call "soft delusions", but at the same time obviously that does not mean one is the same as the other, only that both are caused by pain of some sort, and trying to escape that somehow, which i think it what im calling "soft delusions" are really about. im sure there's some proper term for it all, but im just trying to explain things, this isn't psychological advice, more just a nutty person trying to relate experiences

brandic wrote:I have more control over my own life than to let my imagination run wild with crap like this. It's getting ridiculous. Really, really ridiculous. I just need to stop playing these stupid games that I've been playing. Because they aren't funny anymore. And my therapist really needs to slow down this freakin DID wheel from spinning out of absolute freakin control before someone or something gets hurt. Shouldn't she be the one doubting it, not me? What is wrong with this picture???

If they are games, no they're not funny cause they are hurting you. If it is DID, it is confusing like that. I found the same thing with therapists. mine was the one to suggest DID first when i explained what was going on, but when i (experienced right then as E.) needed to play games with her and manipulate her into believing i didn't have DID to distance myself from more vulnerable feelings that were other parts of me, she fell straight for it (even though I had warned her about E.) i think the idea was that therapists are supposed to validate, but at the same time, there is more to it that just simple validation.

brandic wrote:Okay so I've had a hard time falling asleep tonight. I've had yelling voices in my head. So what, I'm gonna magically turn those voices into alters and call them persecutors??? GET A LIFE CAROLINE! I'm having a hard time falling asleep because I'm too lazy to get my ass off the couch and into my bed! It's as simple as that! Why does it have to be some long, complicated explanation for everything. It's really not that complicated!

I guess the answer is to figure out what ARE the voices? if they're saying persecutory things, what in your own feelings about yourself might that be related to. people can have voices with or without DID, but DID or not maybe isn't so important there, the feelings are still probably there somewhere, however they are coming out.

brandic wrote:I hope I didn't trigger anyone by my rant, but then again I'm sick and tired of being worried about each and every word I say, and whether it's going to hurt someone's feelings on here.

Get off those damn eggshells! you're posting what you genuinely feel. keep doing it.

brandic wrote:I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE IT FOR ONE MORE SECOND! I refuse to be put in a box and labeled. Isn't my existence more meaningful than a bunch of labels??? I need to break out of this freakin box! STOP LABELING ME!

I relate. LOL but i also understand now that doesn't mean people just see me as a label either.

brandic wrote:I spend so much of my work time, when I should be doing other things, on this stupid site. Ugh. It sickens me and yet I don't know what I can do about it.

well... this post looks helpful. there's one good reason to spend time working on your problems - so you don't have problems any more. the risk is getting stuck in a pattern where you are posting places like here, and not working on your problems but possibly exacerbating them or playing them out by distracting yourself from the real problem. trying to work out "what you have" can be one way of doing that!

good on you for having the guts to post your feelings about this honestly, don't be embarassed about your rant or edit it out, if that's what you feel, you're doing exactly what you should be doing here.

brandic wrote:

Johnny-Jack wrote:'ve been depressed in my life, debilitating depressions, and therapy's never fixed it. My three older "alters" all admit we're the same person, that this whole thing was a big mistake, we made it all up. The babies, they're a part of me too.

Yes, I think some of my parts are convinced that we don't have DID (and have tried talking me out of it - talk about irony) and others think we do but we are all "me".

Lol! I had that too. E convinced my therapist that we don't have DID... i mean its even stupid as a sentence!

brandic wrote:You make a good point here. I've asked myself the same question. Am I really that good of an actor? I don't think so. And also, why would I possibly want to make this up...?

I was, and i pretended to be bipolar. my alters felt different about that. one wanted to manipulate the professionals cause they were "authority figures" and had to be controlled. another one was very sad and lonely/dejected. another wanted something so desperately, a need to be loved, but we couldn't process that properly, so it all went horribly wrong. i know it was all me now. but the ways i acted were often ways i wouldn't have acted if i had been one person. i couldn't see all those different perspectives at once, i couldn't weigh things up and make the right desicions. all i could see was what i saw and felt through the eyes of who i was at the time.

brandic wrote:

Johnny-Jack wrote: The discussion on DID vs DDNOS is freaking me out too. Academically it's fascinating but I can't participate. Did I have DID as a kid, that turned into DDNOS (losing maybe 0.01% of time for decades, regular people lose more than that), now it's back to DID because I chose to deal with this? The T says it doesn't matter and doesn't even like the distinction.

Yes, I do really need to stop worrying about this. My T says the same thing, and somehow my mind becomes obsessed with trying to figure out which one it is! The truth is, there is no doubt I'm dissociative, and there is no doubt I have different pronounced personality states who think and act very differently. Whether it's DID or DDNOS is like a dog trying to chase its own tail.

Agree. work on what is going on for you, - meaning what you think and feel - not trying to label it. that kinda immunises you from convincing yourself you have disorders you don't have too!

brandic wrote:

Johnny-Jack wrote: I was journaling before joining this board and coming up with insights and flashbacks daily and now still flashbacks but most memories are blocked by some fictional "thing" I call a sphinx.

Is the sphinx now fictional? Or has it/he always been?

about fictional... Some of my memories were blocked by alters, some i couldn't access unless the right part of me was there at the time. there are memories i still don't access. but when it comes down to it - as a whole person, those memories are blocked by me. I'm having enough of a hard time dealing with what i have to deal with. i couldn't cope with them right now. i don't want to. if i think about it, i think about it like i am watching from 100 yards away. right now i dont want to remember - why the ###$ should i? i don't need alters to know that any more. i knew as much as i needed to to get to where i am now. the rest would be too much for me to cope with until i have done a lot more healing.

whether your sphinx is "some fictional thing" its "there" because you are not ready for those memories right now.

brandic wrote:

Johnny-Jack wrote:Why did I even open this Pandora's box in therapy? Everyone who's supposedly inside had slept mostly for decades. I want to go back to the crappy dead life before all this showed up.

YES! Pandora's Box. That's exactly how it feels sometimes.

again, i relate to how that feels, it feels like you've opened up something and thought WTF have i got myself into? but that is what is there. the way i see it, those parts of you waking up is the bit in the middle of being half dead/half alive and fully living. its scary, overwhelming and confusing.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:The reason I posted my questions here, is because it's easier for others to look in than for you to look in. At least, it is for me. Sometimes other people see things where I will try to rationalize it all away. -hug- Sounded like you needed that here.

Yes, you've got a good point here. It's really easy to rationalize things away on our own, and it's really invaluable having the feedback and "outsiders perspective" of others.[/quote]

agree.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Perhaps, and not to anger you or frustrate you further, but perhaps you have stuffed them down for so long that they are leaking out slowly? Maybe most stayed hidden for a while?

brandic wrote:I need to be more gentle and loving with myself about it.

Yes, you do!

brandic wrote:

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I won't tell you it's normal. I can't. What the heck is normal? If I have DIDs, then mine is definitely not the same as your description, nor is it the same as Una+'s. Nor do you two sound the same. So what would be 'normal'? According to the DMV? Even that's not a good indication, considering the amount of DDNOS out there.

Yes, I'm noticing that DID manifests itself differently in everyone as well, that there is no "normal" with DID lol.

I think cause its created by our mind to protect us, it IS a product of our own minds, and will be as different and individual as each person who has it.

brandic wrote:

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Your not being labeled. If anything, you are being labeled as Brandic to me. Brandic is kind, patient, and a little eccentric. Brandic is knowledgeable. Brandic is a little upset and frustrated right now. But Brandic is not this tiny little box called DID, neatly labeled and shelved somewhere. You exist. I don't know (yet) your hobbies, or your job, or anything like that, but I would like to know (not trying to sound creepy) because Brandic is a very interesting person.

Thank you, this brought a smile to my face.

That's a lovely way of putting it Linaeve. and you're right everyone is so much more than just their disorder.

brandic wrote:

LinaeveWorkman wrote:About believing, or not....You can always stuff them in a box. Stuff them away, ignore the voices, and eventually they may subside again. But, who knows what will happen then? Maybe 'Sam' was an alter of mine, and after years of literally keeping her locked up, she finally caused my meltdown. I never want another meltdown, ever. If I have to dredge 'Sam' up and look her straight in the face and take her beating for the years she's been locked away, so be it. As long as I am sane enough to keep working, keep breathing, keep being a mom... I've never had an inner world either (other than my daydreams). No house, no garden (my friend has an inner garden she takes care of), no nothing.

Beautifully said. I'm a master stuffer. This rant was one big angry (albeit needed) stuff. But if I want to heal and get better, I must acknowledge the reality that I have parts of me who have been very hurt, and really need love and kindness right now. So... thanks.

Lol, yeah, i relate to those things too. and i never had an inner world either. some of my alters had rooms or places they were in, (and interesting cause i did dream about those places a lot when asleep.) but that was it really.