Memories and identity problems (triggers)

Again I feel pretty "out of it" so I might not make any sense here...

Over the past few months I've had a lot of memories/information come to me, via others or my own internal research. My problem is, though, after I'm flooded with a bunch of either images or "connecting of the dots" (as I like to call it), soon after the memories fade away again and I'm left feeling absolutely nothing about what I remembered. I don't even feel like myself when it all goes back inside.

*Sexual Triggers*
There has been a LOT of sexual trauma in my lifetime. I seem to have a lot of memories that I've been given that I keep involving nothing but sexual instances. One of my first sentences was, "Nice tits!" because my dad and uncle were looking at I think a porn magazine or something on TV with naked girls and that's how they talk about them. It grosses me out so much thinking about what I can recall, but even worse it churns my stomach when I think about what they tell me/show me... I know how I physically react to certain situations, like nudity in movies/TV, depictions of young girls being abused by older men in movies/TV, rape commentary, pedophilia commentary, it's all something that internally triggers me and makes me lose my mind for a bit trying to recover from it. I react to these things, but only some of them I have direct memories of why they would bother me (obviously) while others I react to with no memories of abuse causing them.
*End Triggers*

With all that said, when nothing is brought up to me I have NO emotional attachment to any of it. The memories came and then they went, and I feel nothing about it all yet again. Is that dissociation from the trauma? There's a possibility that someone inside is dealing with it on the surface with me and then taking it with them back inside I guess, but I don't understand why it doesn't seem to effect me anymore when it "goes away". And lately after discovering more of the memories of possible sexual abuse, I feel almost drunk and unable to even focus my eyes on something long enough to be aware of anything. This past month has been like a blur with a few things that stand out in between. Could that be someone being out without me knowing, or just dissociation itself?

I'm not sure if I'm handling these things very well, or if I'm just repressing it again, or if someone is messing with my head from the inside. Sorry for the long post. Does anyone understand this?

Katariina:

Over the past few months I've had a lot of memories/information come to me, via others or my own internal research. My problem is, though, after I'm flooded with a bunch of either images or "connecting of the dots" (as I like to call it), soon after the memories fade away again and I'm left feeling absolutely nothing about what I remembered. I don't even feel like myself when it all goes back inside.

Have you tried writing down everything? Several times a day I type those sorts of things in my journal. I also keep a paper and pencil by the bed so I wont forget things that happen while I am there. I send this journal to my T each week. I know you don't go to one, but going back over it yourself helps you figure so much out!

*Sexual Triggers*
There has been a LOT of sexual trauma in my lifetime. I seem to have a lot of memories that I've been given that I keep involving nothing but sexual instances. One of my first sentences was, "Nice tits!" because my dad and uncle were looking at I think a porn magazine or something on TV with naked girls and that's how they talk about them. It grosses me out so much thinking about what I can recall, but even worse it churns my stomach when I think about what they tell me/show me... I know how I physically react to certain situations, like nudity in movies/TV, depictions of young girls being abused by older men in movies/TV, rape commentary, pedophilia commentary, it's all something that internally triggers me and makes me lose my mind for a bit trying to recover from it. I react to these things, but only some of them I have direct memories of why they would bother me (obviously) while others I react to with no memories of abuse causing them.
*End Triggers*

People that talk like that, men that use young girls, all of it is SICK! I would hope that even women that have not been sexually abused would want to vomit when men behave like that! I still don't remember much of my childhood and nothing of my parents and I dread when I do. I do remember my dad commenting on my breasts when he walked in and I was dressing when I was about 12. It still sickens me! Apparently my alters, or at least some of them, want to keep me from having a relationship with a man other than the platonic one I have with my husband. I finally understand and agree, but I am so much older than you and I am married. So... it's hard, but you think how all humans should! It's simply SICK!

With all that said, when nothing is brought up to me I have NO emotional attachment to any of it. The memories came and then they went, and I feel nothing about it all yet again. Is that dissociation from the trauma? There's a possibility that someone inside is dealing with it on the surface with me and then taking it with them back inside I guess, but I don't understand why it doesn't seem to effect me anymore when it "goes away". And lately after discovering more of the memories of possible sexual abuse, I feel almost drunk and unable to even focus my eyes on something long enough to be aware of anything. This past month has been like a blur with a few things that stand out in between. Could that be someone being out without me knowing, or just dissociation itself?

I don't know, but I have no emotions either with flashbacks or convulsions or the fear and pain my others feel. My T says I will eventually. It sounds like it could be both - Dissociation and someone else out, but I am just guessing on that.

I'm not sure if I'm handling these things very well, or if I'm just repressing it again, or if someone is messing with my head from the inside. Sorry for the long post. Does anyone understand this?

I feel exactly the same way, but my T says the feelings will come and that it wont be easy when it does! Just keep working on communication and such.

My gatekeeper has deliberately pulled most of the emotion away from certain memories I've regained. He/it has also blocked me from following up on a particularly disturbing one, which, to be honest, I'm glad about.

I record and, of course, remember having wildly emotional and painful flashbacks but once they're back, the raw emotion that was there isn't reachable anymore. The memory of the emotion but there's no ability to replay it at that intensity or replay it at all really. I guess that's the nature of flashbacks. The event happens in the past, the trauma is frozen in the body or an alter's mind, it gets unfrozen, it plays out, and it then becomes a memory.

The Sphinx has put somewhat of a damper on all our emotions and memories lately. I think it may be because I had flashbacks at work, mostly ok within the safety of my office. But once I started to have one in the middle of an important meeting and had to call out the troups to squash it. It was noticeable though and I felt compelled to apologize and divulge on the spot I was having flashbacks of bad things that happened in my childhood to my primary colleagues, then tell them thanks for listening, now please continue...it was a bit surreal for a bit until I was able to compartmentalize and refocus. The Sphinx may have felt that was a mistake. Just a sense but I'm realizing what incredibly powerful control over virtually everything -- memory and emotions -- my gatekeeper has.

Tylas: Thanks for your reply! I do write some things down but it feels like when I get into this particular kind of rut that I simply forget to do it. I have a journal that we all used to use, I would initiate the use and they would write with me, but in this kind of state that journal is almost invisible. It kinda feels like I'm/someone is trying to space everything out and even daily tasks aren't able to be accomplished. Hard to describe.. but I will try (with the help of sticky notes haha) to write everything down.

(Sexual Triggers)It really does make me sick how they talk... my family is very sexually driven, not in a pedophilia or incestuous way but everyone and anyone is subjected to that kind of talk with them. Most of my early development involved constant comments made about my breasts, from about age 9 to today my dad/uncle/mom comments about how "small" they are and how "boyish" I looked. Even now my family sees a woman with big boobs and it's like drool-fest and a barrage of sickening comments about the woman (anything under a DD is considered sick and small, and implants are recommended to me all the time), which leaves me feeling this creepy need for acceptance by these people who brought me up this way. I think I may be the opposite of you here, instead of pushing men away a part of me desperately craves the attention because I've always been negatively talked down to about my body. And all this drives me even more crazy when my younger sister, who has big breasts but is a manipulative problem child, has always been handed everything over me. I'm sorry about your dad and what you may have went through also, it's terrible to think about these things and I wish no girl ever had to be brought up feeling uncomfortable by their own family .

Communication comes and goes but you're right, I need to keep on top of that and maybe that will help get me through it. Thank you again!

Johnny-Jack: That makes a ton of sense. I guess I would rather that intense emotion be gone and over with rather than relive it... I'm just confused as to why if feels so surreal even though I KNOW we went over it already. Like, how could I lose something so important? You handled your flashback very well in front of your colleagues and I could only hope to have that kind of strength when mine flare up in front of others. I don't know if anyone inside for me has that ability to take away memories, but that could be a possibility also. Thank you .

I'm just confused as to why if feels so surreal even though I KNOW we went over it already. Like, how could I lose something so important?

A lot of the events still feel surreal to me too. The shock of living all of my life believing I had good parents (well, I knew my mother was off) only to find that was just all wrong and these huge bad things were totally blocked and I was entirely oblivious while others inside me dealt with it. I still haven't absorbed it fully but I know I will. In addition, it wasn't just my alters who kept the secrets. I myself knew, but when my (real) sister was born at two and a half, I wouldn't allow myself to become other people anymore because I had to stay there to protect. Thus, the only resource I had to block the ongoing abuse was amnesia. So I have DID and amnesia within me, the host.

From the point of view of a presumably sophisticated adult well-read in psychology, familiar with all the topics discussed on Oprah, someone with years of therapy, someone who has gone out of my way to learn about various psychological issues and help other adults process them for themselves, while I still had no clue...it's just mind-boggling and disappointing and sad. How could this happen, I keep asking myself?

I lament all the lost years of not knowing, not being able to clear this up. All the lost opportunities, bad therapists who didn't help. If I was so prepared to deal with mental stuff in others, if I was able to be so open-minded for everyone else when they trusted me with all sorts of personal issues, why didn't anything shift inside to say -- he is ready, we are ready, let's tell him everything, he deserves to know, the secrets are no longer necessary. Did they have so little faith in me, did I trust myself so poorly? Was nobody minding the internal store? I want to be angry, but it would be anger at myself and my internal protection system and it wouldn't do any good anyway because the deception was in part mine, specifically the self-amnesia.

Johnny-Jack wrote:I lament all the lost years of not knowing, not being able to clear this up. All the lost opportunities, bad therapists who didn't help. If I was so prepared to deal with mental stuff in others, if I was able to be so open-minded for everyone else when they trusted me with all sorts of personal issues, why didn't anything shift inside to say -- he is ready, we are ready, let's tell him everything, he deserves to know, the secrets are no longer necessary. Did they have so little faith in me, did I trust myself so poorly? Was nobody minding the internal store? I want to be angry, but it would be anger at myself and my internal protection system and it wouldn't do any good anyway because the deception was in part mine, specifically the self-amnesia.

Same here. Only difference is I never got any help from anyone before this year. I never spoke to a therapist. I knew something was wrong, and I was even aware of many of my symptoms, but apart from a very dark period at age 20, I just stuffed it. During that dark period at 20 I read M. Scott Peck's excellent self-help book "The Road Less Traveled". That helped me, Una, immensely, but did nothing to help the rest of my system. For years I have been saying to family and friends more and more often that something is wrong. They responded, if they responded at all, only by saying "cheer up" and "it will pass". Um, no.

It's amazing for how long the emotional memories can be kept hidden inside your mind, even if you remember the event.
*Trigger warning, sexual abuse*
I wasn't older than nine when my dad touched me inappropriately. My memory of it was always clear but I used to wonder why I didn't feel anything or react in any way when it happened; it was strange in my opinion, because I could remember other situations where I had resisted, fought back or cried and more or less was able tap into my feelings then.
20 years later I and my ex were in family counselling, and during an individual session I told this memory to the counsellor, which was the first time I ever told it to anyone else but my sister. Sharing it with an outsider caused a massive emotional flashback. I remembered FEAR and the thought : if I don't let him know I even notice it, it's not happening. I also felt something that could have been the breaking of my heart, which made me burst into tears, for the first time ever because of that.
I don't know why that particular emotion got suppressed for so long. It was only one among the many abusive things he did when he was drunk, and not even the worst of them, but the difference was it's the only one with the two of us alone and no other family members nearby. I said to the woman: 'part of me died that day'. I'm still trying to figure out what it really means.

.

It really is interesting how quickly we can shut off or shut down our feelings, even if we're not choosing to do so (which is most of the time for me). I can relate to your experience of being flooded with feelings only to be "fine" a few minutes later and not have access to the feelings, as though they never happened. It's kind of a surreal experience, and at times I wish I could access them, but it feels largely out of my control. But then again these gates that keep the feelings out or very removed are there for my own protection, I guess, so I can just do the best I can to handle the feelings when they come up and be grateful for not being flooded with feelings all the time.

Katariina: I do write some things down but it feels like when I get into this particular kind of rut that I simply forget to do it. I have a journal that we all used to use, I would initiate the use and they would write with me, but in this kind of state that journal is almost invisible. It kinda feels like I'm/someone is trying to space everything out and even daily tasks aren't able to be accomplished. Hard to describe.. but I will try (with the help of sticky notes haha) to write everything down.

I can understand that! I write for a living and still I can go days without writing in my journal. Those days where I am so confused I don't know what to write, sometimes end up with my best results. So don't stress having to write. When you have things you want to write you will.

(Sexual Triggers)It really does make me sick how they talk... my family is very sexually driven, not in a pedophilia or incestuous way but everyone and anyone is subjected to that kind of talk with them. Most of my early development involved constant comments made about my breasts, from about age 9 to today my dad/uncle/mom comments about how "small" they are and how "boyish" I looked.

Family members have no business ever talking like that. My brother does it, but he is an abuser and I stay far away from him. You are very young though and its harder for you to stay away from family I bet. Don't let anyone talk you into doing anything you don't want! Why undergo surgery to have something that is just going to be uncomfortable and sag as you get older. Many men love women exactly like you!

Even now my family sees a woman with big boobs and it's like drool-fest and a barrage of sickening comments about the woman (anything under a DD is considered sick and small, and implants are recommended to me all the time), which leaves me feeling this creepy need for acceptance by these people who brought me up this way.

Keep in mind that those women getting the implants probably are very needy like I was. If they have to undergo any type of cosmetic surgery to feel attractive to a man, they are never going to have the type of man that is worth getting. What woman who respects herself wants the kind of guy that acts like and likes what your family likes? I have 3 teen girls. I love that they respect themselves and put boys in their place that ever get out of line. (thanks to great parenting by their dad!)

I think I may be the opposite of you here, instead of pushing men away a part of me desperately craves the attention because I've always been negatively talked down to about my body. And all this drives me even more crazy when my younger sister, who has big breasts but is a manipulative problem child, has always been handed everything over me. I'm sorry about your dad and what you may have went through also, it's terrible to think about these things and I wish no girl ever had to be brought up feeling uncomfortable by their own family .

I wanted every man in sight to look at me! I worked hard to be fit and gorgeous. I look no older than 35 right now. Young guys constantly ask me out. It's odd because I am too self-conscious to even look up at people and yet at the same time felt I had to always look perfect. Now I am getting to know the real me this year, I no longer care! I feel so much better in that way! I always ended up with men that would freak if I wore a pair of sweats to the store with them. They would say I embarrassed them. You don't want that kind of man! Trust me! I wish I knew myself as well as you seem to know yourself. Find a kind man that accepts you and loves you for who you are inside. Then you will be happy!

Once I was in a relationship, I would push them away, but not know why. While dating, I acted like a spoiled brat and at the same time like their slave, making them happy in every way. It was so confusing! Then when I leave them I beg to have them back. I left my husband and kids and had so many relationships during those years - it was crazy, but it taught me what is really important. I was a disaster!

Keep in mind that almost every female on the planet feels their body does not live up to what they think it should be. Luckily most men, love REAL woman. They look at the media stars but what they want is a happy, healthy, loving woman. Most older men really want a woman that is not heavy so they can be active and have fun. They could care less about breast size.

Last year I came home to my kids and husband and have been getting to know me. My husband of 20 years always stayed and waited for me no matter what and raised our kids. I hope you do not make all the mistakes that I have!

My sister is a very manipulative problem child too! Although we were both abused, I was the victim and she was/is a denier. My brother ended up becoming the abuser. We can't change the past, but we can make sure the generational sickness of abusers ends! You don't think any of your brothers are an abuser? I don't remember. Were you sexually abused as a child?

Communication comes and goes but you're right, I need to keep on top of that and maybe that will help get me through it. Thank you again!

~hug~