perp-alter

Hey, it's been ages since I've been here, Mr. Bates will probably remember me.. A lot of things have integrated naturally over the years, I remember almost everything about my past now, it's just details filling in, quite painful, don't really switch anymore.. and I still have flashbacks/abreactions, usually a friend I've come to trust helps me out, and I become childlike and say different ages and don't recognise her at first, and think I'm with my parents, but not really different names or anything, so it seem to be fragments.. I didn't really tell about how there used to be so many with different names and genders and interests and ideas, fearing she'd think me crazy.. But it seems a perp alter wanted to hurt me and told her she was going to and there was nothing she was going to be able to do to stop her. Scared to death she'll leave me now, and I can feel this alter gaining strength too.. She argued with the alter and said she'd kill her if she even lay a finger on me.. I know the alter is probably scared inside but she needs to be banished, this alter is too destructive to manage.. I'm just ranting, I'd become delusional enough to believe I was rid of this.. I should've known it was still in me and would come out together with the most horrible memories.. any advice?

The experts all agree that banishing an alter, "stuffing" it, is not a long term solution. They also agree that although "bad" alters may seem too bad to face, the badness lies not in themselves but in the burdens they carry. Unburden them, meaning process their unprocessed trauma, and they all become good alters.

Dimensional, sorry to hear bad stuff is coming back. It kind of knocks out our fantasy that we can be done with all this in a year or so, but as I say, we know that's a fantasy. Una+ is right on the target about what the alter needs.

Maybe the alter could be encouraged to unburden themselves as soon as possible, time and effort and love given to them for that. Although not a harmer, my alter Jack was furious at me when he woke up because I wouldn't let him out, wouldn't acknowledge he was there, ignored him, belittled him, derided his accent, etc. etc. In short, I was a total jerk. And I was very scared of him, he felt big and strong and dangerous. Once I listened and -- specifically -- acknowledged I was available and I needed him, he shifted internally within one hour. Turns out he's just a gentle kid, totally not what I was expecting, but one who took horrific abuse in my place. I kept putting him in harm's way and I shut out his internal calls to "Run!" He was demanding to be heard.

If the attitude cannot adjust at all or if there's as escalation of threats, perhaps the alter could be "locked behind bars in a comfy place" temporarily so that there's still some communication possible? Does the perp alter realize they're acting like the real, cruel former perpetrators? If the perp alter has become active now, there may be a reason, a trigger, a complacency it doesn't like, a nearing the worst memories, whatever. If there were an intermediary level of lock-up, banishment or solitary confinement could be held as the next threat level (defcon 3-4-5).

I'm just thinking aloud. I don't have any perp alters that I know of. But I (the host) keep doing things the others consider destructive to a future us and they seem to be threatening me at rising levels. It's working because I'm a bit scared and ashamed and I know their anger is appropriate.

I've had a perp-alter, along the lines of Bryce/USoT. We managed to destroy him, somehow. I'm fuzzy on the details, cos I was one of quite a few alters kept away from him, but he's wasting away in some specially-made lockup now. We were left with no choice but to destroy him, as he was abusing the body and the alters, and even attempted to harm my husband.

Thanks for all your (quick) responses Una+, John and pheonixrise, really really appreciated. You're all right; stuffing an alter away is never a long-term solution, I uncovered that the hard way myself in the past, so more often than not you have to try and find a way to look beyond the acting-out behaviour and reach out. I had more perp-alters in the past, and a couple of them actually reverted in the process and became some of my biggest protectors. But the one that seems to be left is so destructive that lock-down might be the only option; all she wants is blame me for everything that has happened, say I'm too weak, and punish the body which "isn't hers anyway". I think the trigger is that I got some of my worst memories back in the past two weeks, the last piece that was missing, and I inadvertently revealed some of that in a fragmented 11-year-old state while I was flashbacking, to my friend who tried to help me out, and I didn't know what I'd done or said after. After that I started talking to her about some memories that had been coming back, breaking through secrecy.. probably a big no-no for this alter who probably kept these memories for years.. so I can empathise in a sense I guess but it's too much. And she very much tries to instigate and provoke my friend too; trying to ensure she leaves me and I'll be alone with no-one to trust again, as she thinks I deserve.

Anyway, I had more contact with my friend today and even though I took a sedative and tried to suppress it she came out again. I explained a bit more to my friend, about how it used to be too, and that there's a lot of hurt and pain behind it, and it would probably help to tell the alter she's me and everything that happened to me happened to her in extension, even though it's cruel to do that, especially because I asked her to be blunt... But cruelty seemed the only way to me, to get at the emotion behind it... The alter's too provocative and angry and too full of threats to go about it in some other way, too violent.. It actually seems it kinda worked, the alter broke down and apparently ended up saying she'd go and leave me be already.. Now I feel kind of apprehensive about any damage that's been done though.. I guess she went inside somewhere, but I'm not sure where and I don't know how this will develop, or if she'll become destructive again anyway.. But I dunno, she just seemed down now, her denial of everything that has happened kinda crushed.. I'll have to see how it goes; should it go wrong.. well, lock-down is always something I can attempt.. otherwise I might be in luck and able to work through this somehow, but she's well away now.. it's just confusing.. thanks for the various insights anyway; really means a lot to me!

That alter needs your comforting words, hugs, love.

You're right Una, you're right.. especially since she's sort of been kicked when down right now, to get her to talk.. I'll just have to find her somewhere.. ><

-- Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:00 pm --

please someone help us i'm not the perp alter but i'm lisa i'm 10 i had to take over from our host. i was one with her but not completely just in case i had to break away to protect her. the perp alter has a horrible memory a really really really horrible one i don't know what it is but nameless told me our host will die if she knows what it is. but she has exams and a practical day to her psychology degree thing tomorrow and i have to pack her bag and make sure she gets there and hope she'll go with the flow and be okay there. i have to repeat i'm alive i'm strong i'm a wizard nothing can beat me i'm invincible i'll protect her i'll protect her nothing can hurt me there's only stories and fantasyworlds and nothing exists and it's alright i'm invincible i can do anything to the world with my thoughts. but it's so lonely and the system is not working properly anymore and theres so little left that arent completely integrated im trying to find them but all i can find are the ones like me who are 9 or 10 or 11 and stay strong by playing and pretending. but maybe its good right, if i believe and i demand things of the world they will happen right. we can protect her right. she can't remember this or the perp alter will kill us all she'll go all mental we have to protect the life she's managed to gain it was going so well we had a life a real life a real one with a course and friends and applying for an internship and it was being all really adult and now a memory is gonna make us collapse. i want to play pokemon games all night til she has to leave for the practical day tomorrow but she wont remember that i was here or what happened but its better if she freaks out a bit then knows the memory right. im protecting her right. i have to pack her bag i have to think real hard what she's supposed to pack again. what did we do we're such bad children they still want to destroy us. i'm a wizard i'm a wizard nothing can happen to me ever.

-- Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:03 pm --

doesnt it work doesnt this add a new reply we need help.