I'm An Emotional Wreck...

Hey... Sorry for my less than activeness here...

So, I'm basically gonna use this as a rant page I guess because... I dunno... Apparently talking to people face to face isn't the right thing to do right now. So, here's what happened to me. There might be a few Trigger Warnings in there so, yeah..

So, school ended about two weeks ago. I'd say I ended school pretty happy, but as the days after school progressed on, everything went downhill. Because I have no school and no job, my parents have been cracking on down chores and studying to get in an A+ program. My parents work all day, leaving me home alone for a long time, which in turn makes me spend more time in my head, which is where my perfect world is. I've started to realize how nice my world is and how wrong the real world is. I guess this is dissociation? I dunno. I'm still vague on the terms and whatnot. Anyways... So that means I've hardly been the host lately. Usually that ends up being Max or Kendra.

My dad has gotten worse on his alcohol. He's up to almost an entire fifth of Barcardi a day. By "day a" I mean when he gets home (Around fiveish) to when he passes out drunk (around nineish). So, that's a lot of drinking in one day. I can't stand talking to him when he's drunk like that. It just sets something off inside of me..

*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*
I don't even know if this is a trigger or not, but I though I should put it there in case.

Anyways. For the past few days, my dad has been inviting his High Buddies over to do Pot. Of course, they don't even make an attempt to, you know, go into another room or shoo me away. Actually, when i leave my dad yells at me for being anti-social or whatever. So, my dad's turning my house in a drug house, basically. When he mixes his alcohol and pot like that, he gets really.. uhm.. unpredictable. One minute he's laughing at the ceiling the next he's yelling at me, calling me worthless and making fun of a car accident I was in a few days before (No one got hurt).
*End Trigger*

So... for the past week I've been really... Uh.. Spasmodic on my emotions. Either I'm ready for an emotional break down or I'm developing Bi-Polar.. If that's even something you develop over time. One minute I'll be happy, having a good time, and then with just one word I flick like a switch and start cussing out anything that comes near me. Then I'll get a wave of sadness over me and I'll crumple to the ground crying. Crying then ticks me off and I go into another rage fit. sad thing is, I don't even realize how bad I was until afterwards. Then I feel guilty for snapping at everyone. So, then I seclude myself from all contact from anyone for a few hours. And then repeat. Of course, these very sudden changes in emotions means that I've been fighting with so many people it makes me feel like I'm losing everyone, which only fuels my emotions... I really don't know what to do. Just ride it out and hope it passes? Try and convince my mom again that i need a therapist?

So... Those are the MAJOR things that have happened. There's a crap ton of little things, but I dont think you guys wanna hear about that.. So... yeah.. Theres my minirant,

oh Kimberley. I feel for you i really do. Drunk people really scare me too... I honestly think all of these huge emotional swings are due to stress and the others being behind you and influencing you. It happens to me all the time. And exactly like you described it. Its like a switch goes off and suddenly I'm a total b!tch! (it also gets like this in PMS time too only much worse)

I think you should call the cops and leave an anonymous tip about your dad and his drug use. Isn't he on probation?? Either way, its illegal and you have the right to feel safe in your own home. Same with the drinking... i wish there was something you could do too, but other than calling protective services on them i don't think there's a whole lot u can do- as I'm sure you already know. And while i don't know your dad, i find it hard to believe while hes getting stoned and drunk with his 'mates' that he would be able to or willing to protect u if one of them were to 'try something'. But, like I said, i don't know your dad. It seems like a very unsafe situation to be living in and if i were you i'd do anything to get out. and i mean ANYTHING!

Regarding school, i used to be exactly the same. i HATED holidays becuase i didnt have my friends with me to distract and support me. it was always a bad time for me, but i found that getting out of the house, even if its just a walk down the street helps. It will also help with the dissociation too. (yeah, going inside your own mind is dissociation, so youre spot on there )

I wish there was something more i could do for you, but sadly, there isn't. All i can offer you is a sounding board to talk to... my PM box is always open lol.

I really hope things settle down soon for you. You don't deserve this. What are your friends doing over the holidays? Can u have some sleepovers or 'study' with them?

Thinking of you!
H.

Sounds like a mean drunk. A fifth (750 mL) of rum is about 30 units of alcohol. In the UK the recommended maximum intake for men is 3–4 units per day. Your dad's intake is 7.5 units per hour. An average healthy adult can metabolize only about one unit of alcohol per hour.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_unit

Do you have contingency plans? If you need to leave the house for safety, have you identified some places you can go?

Thanks Weeble, you've always been very helpful for me on here. I wish I could help you in return, but I'm crappy at saying the right thing and whatnot. You can always come to me and, you know, talk if you need to vent. I am good at listening and remembering stuff. Anyways...

No, dad isn't on probation. Never was, though I dont know why. As for the cops, I've always considered but... I dunno. Something stops me. Maybe it's that child part of me that still longs for the sort of dad who was involved in my life. I dont know if that's another alter in the back of my mind or what, probably not. But every time I think about it I just get this different feeling. Childish, alone, envious. I also get these feelings when I see young kids spending time with their dads. Its weird. Anyway, back on topic. Ironically, a cop came to my house today. He said that another cop wrote down our cars license plate in the city. He didn't really say what happened that involved the car, but my parents weren't home so he just left after I told him where my parents were. Right now Im at a friend's house, so I dont know if he came back or not.

As for a failsafe. Not really, I live in the middle of nowhere, 20 minutes away from the closest town, so I can't exactly go anywhere safe, though I do go into my backyard woods and climb up a tree. I did fall one time. Got a pretty big cut on my arm, though its all healed now.

So... for the past week I've been really... Uh.. Spasmodic on my emotions. Either I'm ready for an emotional break down or I'm developing Bi-Polar.. If that's even something you develop over time. One minute I'll be happy, having a good time, and then with just one word I flick like a switch and start cussing out anything that comes near me. Then I'll get a wave of sadness over me and I'll crumple to the ground crying. Crying then ticks me off and I go into another rage fit. sad thing is, I don't even realize how bad I was until afterwards. Then I feel guilty for snapping at everyone. So, then I seclude myself from all contact from anyone for a few hours. And then repeat. Of course, these very sudden changes in emotions means that I've been fighting with so many people it makes me feel like I'm losing everyone, which only fuels my emotions... I really don't know what to do. Just ride it out and hope it passes? Try and convince my mom again that i need a therapist?

It doesn't sound to me like you're bipolar, it sounds like you're multiple and your alters are heavily influencing you. If the latter is true, your alters are having strong emotions, which of course are legitimate because all emotions are legitimate. You can't really make up a genuine emotion. It seems the only possible change can come from communication with them. When you get a specific wave, could you ask who's having the emotion and what are they thinking about right now?

It seems some of my waves must be coming from my toddlers but all too often it just feels like me. It's my habit to assess them as me because I didn't know about the alters most of my life. I don't know if the babies understand me. Still, I should be following my own advice and talk to them but rarely have the presence of mind to do that, stop and say, hey, where's this coming from, do you need to tell me something, maybe I can help. I usually just get flooded, and, too late, I become the emotion. Still, I know communication among alters is the key to regaining health and stability. All the books point to that.

Riding it out and hoping that is passes is one coping mechanism. But if it keeps happening and especially if it's painful or damaging to yourself or others, it's not the best one. Hopefully at the very least it's comforting to know there are plenty of others here who experience something parallel to what you're going through. Ugh, chaotic emotional waves are dreadful.