How do I get out of her way?

My four-year-old keeps asking over and over to interact with the therapist directly. I usually sense her and she gives me words and images to describe how she's feeling and what she wants. Occasionally, when I'm alone, she'll say stuff like "I love him!" out loud. In session, she is always desperate to get to him, but the big kids and my caretaker are always in the way (co-conscious, never fully out either). He has told her that she is "always special and cared for all the time," and him spending time working the teens and adults to get more safety for her. He's not trying to exclude her. In fact, he is so welcoming of her, texted her to say "Hi" when we were freaking out the other day and he could tell it was affecting her. I am able to translate how she's feeling to him via text or in person with a time delay, but I can't let her "get to him." The last two sessions, she has felt so excluded and lonely, because all she wants is to interact with him. It scares me, the idea of her approaching him directly, without using me as the intermediary, but I also want so badly to give her that peace, a direct connection that will be more tangible for her, and so last longer, so she doesn't have to be reaching out to check on his existence all week long. I told therapist that she wants it and that it scares me, because I don't know what it "means." He said that he really welcomes that, but also that we don't need to push it (she felt like she lost a chance there, because of my fear).

What am I afraid of? Well, my caretaker (who is probably the one least in favor of letting her approach) is afraid that she will get more intense and it will be unmanageable for the system, afraid that she'll say something like "I love you," and he won't be able to say it back (because, even though he cares, he can't really "love" her and be neutral like he needs to be) and it will hurt her so much. She mostly doesn't know that she is me, even though I know she is. She seems me like a vehicle or a tool to get to her current attachment figure. It's like she's having visitation with her dad, but instead of pulling up, stopping the car and letting her out to run to him, I just drive by him really slowly with the window cracked so she can see and hear him a bit. That's how she sees me right now. I'm also afraid that if I learn to let them forward, it will almost be like a step back? Since, I am mostly co-conscious or co-present and time loss is minimal (I think)...will I be setting myself up for more of that? Is it inevitable anyway? However, I also feel like a lot isn't "getting through" me that might better come out directly in either a switched or co-present state.

Ugh, I don't know. I'm not trying to rush things, just trying to figure out how to respond to this little kid who keeps asking over and over again...

I have been struggling with the same question. My Alter 1 has been wanting and trying to come out to talk to my therapist and my husband, but some part of me is resisting. I don't know what I am more afraid of: what Alter 1 may do, or what the other person may do or say.

Are you entirely sure of your therapist? Some part of you may fear and not entirely trust him.

...

Have you tried sitting down and filling in your therapist with what is happening with the alter?
Your fears and worries, and ask his suggestions.
Maybe you can talk for her, or he'll think about it and come up with an idea for the situation.
This way it's not super sudden, and you'll both be prepared.

Alternatively, maybe you could talk to your alter and ask her all the whys and hows about it.
Fill her in about the situation as well.

Yakusoku, is this part able to come out at home with your husband?

We have found that the only way to get out of the way is to say everything you are thinking... Eventually your therapist will be able to help you resolve why you feel uncomfortable getting out of the way and then you'll be able to move. It's kind of like, once your concerns are off your chest you are no longer tied down in front of her. That's how we think about it anyway. Works for us...

Maybe try printing out your first post and giving it to him? That would be a good start I think...

Are you entirely sure of your therapist? Some part of you may fear and not entirely trust him.

Actually, I know for sure that my caretaker doesn't trust him. My caretaker started to trust him, backed off some of the abusive/neglectful ways it regulates the kids, really let them reach out (before we were talking about DID, but still vaguely discussing parts/states). We had an intense experience sitting on the floor together a few different sessions, it triggered some ambivalent feelings, and so I asked if we could have a session on learning to connect/disconnect safely. When we got into that session, he immediately said, "Maybe I should not have sat on the floor with you." I was there 2.5 hours, because it got very unsafe with the kids feeling abandoned. The caretaker doesn't trust my therapist to send them home safe anymore. Doesn't trust him about not abusive the kids to keep them from playing in the street, so-to-speak, either. He has been working with this part for a couple of sessions, trying to get on the same page, but (I have told him this in a journal entry) the caretaker needs him to like vow or something that he's going to be safe with these kids and do whatever it takes to clean up their cuts and bruises and send them home safely.

that kind of freaks me out cause she said she will trash the Ts office ect

My teens threaten to break the glass coffee table that separates me from my therapist, and I told him about those feelings coming up, but not that it was particular parts, because I was still scared he would think I was crazy and wasn't really perceiving "who" they were, except just not me. Luckily, the only part who has asked to interact directly is just really sweet and attached and loves him and would never do anything to distress him, other than maybe asking to be held or saying "I love you" or something. It might distress me, but not my therapist. So, I want to let her say her piece and I'd kind of rather be amnesiac if that is what she's going to say.

Yakusoku, is this part able to come out at home with your husband?

As far as I know, I've never had a part come out and entirely take over (amnesia) with another person...only when I'm alone. Some of my parts do the co-present take-over thing around my husband though. Usually it is caretaker or teen parts that do that around him. The kids don't want anything to do with him, because...
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My husband has sexsomnia and I have had years of episodes (possibly hundreds) of non-consensual initiation in my sleep that I didn't realize I was dissociating the pain/fear from. I have had many more non-consensual or ambivalent experiences than fully consensual sex in my life. The inside kids have gotten caught up in these experiences (I freeze up, feel like it's not him, have nonsensical flashbacks that I don't know are true). I am sleeping on the floor now as a result, because it happens a few times a month if I do not. I accidentally fell asleep in bed and had another episode the other night and now that I am getting to know my parts, I'm sure at least two kids got caught up in it.
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So, I don't think the kids will ever feel safe with him.

We have found that the only way to get out of the way is to say everything you are thinking...

The only thing he doesn't know is that she wants to say, "I love you." My therapist even knows that she wants to say something I don't feel I can let her say. I tell him everything they let me say. Sometimes, I try to say it and they block me and I have to negotiate permission to share (don't know if that makes sense) or translate it to not literally quote them. It has gotten better since he brought up DID, because it feels like now they think, "Wait, what? He believes we're here?" so, they are a bit more willing to talk. I guess patience is key.


Maybe I just need to tell her that she's welcome out if that's what she wants, whenever she is ready, and remind him to invite her in the same way periodically. I don't know what else to do. She is the one who is most cooperative with therapy, so I'm definitely most comfortable starting with her. Also, we've identified some really warped ideas from our grandmother sort of raising us into a semi-cult like religion at a young age that are interfering with our therapist's ability to talk about God at all...which is problematic, because faith is a very personal part of both of our lives (we pray in session, etc.). However, whenever he says anything about bringing things to God, the kid just feels pushed away, like a failure, like she can never be good enough, like she's being abandoned to hell or something. He has been very good about not pushing that stuff on me since I told him how the little ones receive it, but I would like the therapist to be able to show this little one why God doesn't have to be so scary and it doesn't mean we can't have people too.

yakusoku wrote:The only thing he doesn't know is that she wants to say, "I love you." My therapist even knows that she wants to say something I don't feel I can let her say. I tell him everything they let me say. Sometimes, I try to say it and they block me and I have to negotiate permission to share (don't know if that makes sense) or translate it to not literally quote them. It has gotten better since he brought up DID, because it feels like now they think, "Wait, what? He believes we're here?" so, they are a bit more willing to talk. I guess patience is key.

I think you essentially need to tell your therapist that she wants to say "I love you" and tell him why you think that's a bad idea... If he can talk you through your concerns and you can resolve them for yourself then you will be able to move out of the way... Perhaps you could throw him some random "hypotheticals". You could say to him "I know that one of the younger kids wants to come out and talk to you. I feel like I can't move out of the way for her because I'm worried about what she might say to you. What if she says "I hate you" or "I want you to die" or "I love you" or "do you want to have sex with me?" or "I want to hug you"? If she said something like that to you I'd feel.... and then I'd worry that you'd hurt her feelings by saying...." Then wait for him to respond. You might feel surprisingly reassured and no longer worried about what would happen if she came out and said "I love you" to your therapist... Then you will be able to move out the way when the time comes to let him speak to her...

TRIGGER likely: nocturnal activities, boundary violations

Yes, I figured sleep sex was what you were hinting at in previous posts. Very sorry you have to deal with that, on top of DID. This can be especially difficult if your DID is connected with childhood sexual abuse that occurred at night. Many CSA survivors (DID and non-DID alike) report having been abused in their beds at night, often awakening to find the abuse already underway. This is sometimes given as an explanation for why in some systems certain alters routinely are active in the middle of the night.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex

salted lipstick - Thanks. I've pretty much told him everything except exactly what she wants to say and exactly what I assume he'll say back, which is that he likes her and cares for her, but can't love her, can't hug her, etc. Ouch!

Una+ - Thank God! Someone who has already heard of it. Trying to explain that stuff (which has affected me a LOT and unfortunately, a couple of people we've shared a room with...which is why I ended up in therapy) is kind of like trying to tell someone you think you have DID. It's very hard to have it accepted without a lot of explanation.

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I don't know if I actually have CSA. I have experiences at 12 (mild) and 16 (more serious) that came from me flirting or dating. I have a lot of evidence that I was at least over-exposed (inappropriate knowledge and behaviors at very early ages). I have these weird sensory memories about my mom's boyfriend who physically abused my older sisters and my four/five-year-old part keeps insisting he did bad stuff, but she won't be specific, other than the sensory stuff that feels completely out of context. So, it's really up in the air and I don't know what to think, really. I do know that when she started surfacing, I couldn't deal with sex well at all, had weird flashback-like experiences that didn't make sense, etc. So, it seems like there might be something there, but I'm not able to let it be true without more clarity than I have.
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