Could this be DID?

Hello to everyone.

As you can see this is my first post. I'm looking for your opinion on what I went through, but I'm also searching for words now. Let me explain some background on why I am on this forum.

I've just recently discovered a lot about dissociative disorders. I have no official diagnosis, but a few weeks ago I happened to read about depersonalization and it all sounded familiar to me. So, the last few weeks I've been gradually gathering more and more information about DP and DR, and based on what I read I assume that I've had dissociative experiences ever since my early childhood. I'm not going to describe my findings in length because firstly, it's rather difficult for me, since English is not my first language, and secondly, I'm still trying to process all the information I've been reading. I see my depersonalization as a reaction and a process, almost like a companion that has followed me all my life and taken different forms. It's not as strong nowadays as what it used to be, and now I feel like I'm looking back and putting together pieces of my life with it. My situation has improved greatly in 15 - 20 years, and my life is not very different what you consider an average life, although there are challenges.

My family was broken in many ways, my dad was an abusive alcoholic, and even though nothing extremely bad happened to me, it was difficult in many ways for all those years I was living in my childhood home. The usual stuff in families with alcoholism/co-dependence, I guess. I'm sometimes unable to feel anything about that part of my life, and other times I get flashbacks and feel lots of pain. There are also good memories, there was definitely lots of love, which is confusing and makes me think that my feelings are not entirely justified. I'm telling myself not to feel, because there is no 'right' way to feel. Maybe that is the reason why I've detached myself from events and feelings, and also people for such a long time, because I'm unable to find justification. It was contradictory in many ways, my parents were inconsistent. I suppose I'm carrying those contradictions in my own personality now and I find myself undermining myself all the time. Behind truth, there is always a different truth. Relativity leaves no room for me, I'm not entitled. Also, all my life I have been told that I wasn't the one who suffered most, because I was the youngest sister. All I can say is I have never been rivaling for the position of the one who suffered the most.

Well, to get to the point about my possible DID. A few years ago I had this character sort of visiting my mind. He was (based on) a deceased artist whose art made an impact on me. It happened during a rather stressful time in my life, when a member of my family had been seriously ill for years and it became clear that she wouldn't stay here with us for long.
It's rather difficult to remember now, it's like I'm looking at a picture without being able to see details, and it feels rather unreal, like many other pieces of my past. I cannot remember the actual onset but I remember situations when he appeared. It felt to me as if my mood suddenly lifted and sank at the same time in a few seconds, and then I sensed his presence. It was electrifying because everything felt so different and new ! Trying to remember it makes me miss it . Even though it was sort of electrifying for me to feel his presence, he was a rather sad and tragic person with problems like anorexia, and a couple of mental health issues. Well, I am female, straight, have never been able to starve myself, and those issues were also new to me. He was gay, and emotionally much younger than his actual age (27).

I felt that he helped me, and in a mystic way I also helped him. He was definitely the guide, and I was the enabler. He made me feel protective, because he was so vulnearble. I knew he wasn't alive... my body sort of became a temporary home to him. He had to recover, gain strength, and he was safe with me. He was very wise and such a lovely, sweet guy.

The funny thing is, I was more the way I usually am when he was around, which was maybe half an hour to an hour a day. When he was 'away', I was more like him. I don't know if this makes any sense. For months on, I felt physical nausea at the mere thought of food and ate significantly less than normally, which was an entirely new experience for me. I lost weight, although I wasn't big to start with. I've always had problems with being quite happy my appearance, but all that time I felt very beautiful -- because he was beautiful. The most exotic part of it was sexuality: inside, I turned into a gay guy. I joined an internet community for sexual minorities and found peer support there. I had to rearrange my life and find these connections, because I really believed that it was going to be permanent. All this lasted maybe six to eight months.

In the end, I made a spiritual journey, inside my head I guess. I laid him to rest, and his body was very fragile and full of scars. His body represents something significant to me, I guess. I've said to myself that we became one again, but perhaps it's not exactly what happened. It's contradictory again, but I feel that when he 'died', he was resurrected. He is safe.

My sexual identity changed back, food stopped causing me nausea, all signs of his presence were gone as quickly as the first appeared. And, all this took place before my family member finally passed away. This episode, or whatever I should call it, helped me a great deal. Or that's what I think -- I have no way of knowing how things would have been if he had not come to me. This happened five years ago.
Well, there is one thing that I regret a little. I spoke about my new sexuality over a beer to someone, and she probably didn't understand it, because she stopped being in touch. I feel a little embarassed about it now, but what can I do.

I hope this post gets through, and thanks for reading it. It took some time to type it, and it brought back many emotions.
So, basically, I've just recently recognized that the stuff in my life that sometimes has made it difficult and mysterious is probably dissociative. Then I started to think that this experience, which I've always regarded as a spiritual one, rather than psychological, maybe has something to do with DID. I came here to ask your opinions of this. Do you think it could be DID? Can it be just one episode in a person's entire lifetime? Perhaps there is also some other stuff that points to the same direction, around the same time but also more recently, like finding some stuff at my home that I didn't know about, discovering that I have bought same items twice, and also some stuff has disappeared, or I have found in a strange place. That's scared me a few times, while my possible alter never scared me, it all felt just normal although exciting due to the reasons I told above.

I've read about this disorder before and found it interesting, but I've never really identified with what I've read. But then again, I've never really identified with much of what my dad did to me and to our family either. I've refused to identify myself with all the problems I didn't want in my life.
I'm doubting myself now, so I guess I'll just submit this message and wait for a possible reply.

I'm posting an update because last night was interesting. There were lot of feelings flooding in when I was writing my first post. It took me back to the time when all that happened, and I even cried. I don't cry very often, but I used to cry more when he was around. Not because of self-pity or for feeling hurt, or anything like that... in fact I don't know the feeling behind those tears, but it's not a bad feeling.

After I finished typing and switched off my computer, an entirely different mood took over me. Fear. Everything seemed strange, ominous and frightening, and I felt timid when I went to bed. That doesn't happen often either. I was like that all the time as kid and in my teens, I was rather nervous and obsessed about ghosts and other supernatural things then, but I'm not a timid grown-up. I think that the fear came because I told my story here.

Well, then I had a strange dream about frying huge amounts of fish on an open fire and wondering why I made so many portions. Also, I had gotten several replies from users of this forum in the dream, but instead of this forum I had them in a binder. Some of them were like normal letters, others were written in unknown languages or just cryptic signs on pieces of cloth and other materials, which I couldn't read at all. When I woke up today, I had no fear, although the world seemed slightly different from yesterday.

Yeah, you guessed right -- my life isn't very eventful.

I realized that perhaps I asked a silly question. I think it could be DID, at least an episode of it. That is, if such a thing is possible. I think I'm still more a DP/DR type. Anyway, if anything like this has ever happened to anyone, I mean a short-time visitor alter, please post what you think! I appreciate all thoughts, I don't know anyone with DID or even symptoms of it and you never know, it just might be something far-reaching than just eight months in 2006. At least yesterday when I was typing it down and all the feelings surfaced I felt that it might be so.

It crossed my mind that starting a therapy might mess up things, since telling about it on a forum caused such aftereffects.

Being someone with this disease, I am looking at this from my point of view. Fair warning.
**MAY TRIGGER**

I happened to read about depersonalization and it all sounded familiar to me.
There is a fine line between familiarity and experience. You say later, quote:
" I've had dissociative experiences ever since my early childhood."
But we'd need more info. Have you had any recently, or at least one that you remember? Or are you denying the possibility that this could possibly be the info screwing with you? When I got told I had DID, I thought I had symptoms that i never really had.

All I can say is I have never been rivaling for the position of the one who suffered the most.
Good for you, because the minute this becomes about that, you lose yourself. I have seen a couple people fake DID for attention, going so far as to say their mother raped them. All #######4, by the way.
I'm seeing this as anger. You were the youngest, so what? Like you didn't suffer? But, again, theres not enough info here to say to what extent you did suffer, so I'm pegging this as "It was bad, but not as bad as you think it was, in retrospect". Its perfectly fine, by the way. Your OK.

"My sexual identity changed back..."
This is bargaining. You get your ID back, the the ability to eat foods, etc, in exchange for you to get your life back on track, right?

"In the end, I made a spiritual journey, inside my head I guess."
"It's contradictory again, but I feel that when he 'died', he was resurrected"
This is a Jesus-type way of accepting his death. Maybe he is your chi, your saint?


It took me back to the time when all that happened, and I even cried. I don't cry very often, but I used to cry more when he was around. Not because of self-pity or for feeling hurt, or anything like that... in fact I don't know the feeling behind those tears, but it's not a bad feeling.
Acceptance. I don't believe you have DID, but theres a chance. Instead, I simply believe you were grieving. And you went through all of the steps in a healthy, productive manner. You did good, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

On the DID front, no, I'm not convinced you have DID, but you didn't really give much info on your past... so, really not much to work with. Sorry.

I'm not going to tell you whether I think you have DID or not, because i'm not in any way a professional and I think the only way you can properly find this out is to speak to some sort of counseller.
What I will say though is without professional diagnosis, I'd be very careful about looking too much into mental disorders and trying to diagnose yourself. I used to do this before I sought help and convinced myself I have schizophrenia and like the previous poster said, I convinced myself I had symptoms I didn't really have.. It happens, not purposely but because you want to understand and learn more about yourself.

based on what I read I assume that I've had dissociative experiences ever since my early childhood

That sentence is the sort of thing I mean. You assume you've had this, but your not entirally sure but your telling yourself that you probably have had this since childhood, which could be potentially damaging to yourself.

All I can suggest is that you talk to a professional as I think it would help you a lot and clear a lot of things up for you I wish you good luck and please don't hesitate in using this site as a support system!

NicS, Carpediem, thank you very much for your replies.
I think that me coming to this forum is partly (just another) attempt to find myself a niche. With regard of processing my thoughts, it helps when I can share and really listen to what someone who has been there, and is there, says. So, I appreciate your honest opinions/impressions very much, it's precisely what I came here to look for.

I know that now that I found dissociative disorders I'm sort of trying some diagnostic criteria on myself like clothes and asking: does this fit? does it look right?
I have done the same with ADHD and Asperger's earlier, but there were less common features.
I'm not trying to make a victim of myself and develop symptoms. It's not the way I am. I'm not saying it doesn't tempt me in a way, because I'm rather tired of living with some of my glitches and the self-deception of doing better than how I am. I think I'm approaching the point where I stop escaping my problems and go to speak to a professional, not to be able to function a little longer, but to face it.

I'm going to read your comments more thoroughly later and reply when I have time, now it's morning and I have to leave for work soon. But I'll say something. Yes, of course I suffered, and no less than anyone else. And you're right, I'm angry too. Nowadays mainly because of all the mistaken definitions I've heard about myself in my past and later, because of our past from the others in my family. I grew up in the middle of people who were all older than me, and each had their own private story about the reality we shared. What I saw didn't quite match any of these stories. Many times I got a role in them I didn't recognize, if you understand what I mean, and I got sick of trying to make people be fair and stop using me as some material for their own purposes and ends. This is what angers me, and all the other lies.
But I'll go on later.

Thats perfectly fine. It actually sounds healthy, and natural. Were listening, when your ready.

Underice, I really hope you didn't take what I said offensively!
I'm glad I could help with an honest opinion from someone with DID but I REALLY wasn't suggesting that you were trying to make a victim of yourself and develop symptoms, I just meant it can happen without you realising it. I didn't mean you were intentionally at all so i'm sorry for the misunderstanding!
Facing a therapist who you feel 'fits' you is hard, but you should feel so much more comfort in recieving help from someone who really knows what they're talking about and hopefully will be able to help diagnose you and give you that comfort in understanding yourself and your mind better.
Please take care, and I'm sorry if i DID offend you!

Carpediem, you didn't offend me at all. I just wanted to make my "style" of dealing with things more clear than in the original post, which was perhaps more dreamily written than what it was in reality. So don't worry about it. It's not like that story is so holy to me that I expect people to worship it in awe .

I've been thinking about it. It's clear that R was an alter, but this was a one time only thing. I do have many different viewpoints or positions in my mind, as I said in the original post, it's impossible for me to stick to just one point of view regarding any matter other than the most basic ethical questions. When I look in the mirror, I always see myself a little different, sometimes lots different. But I don't feel these changes as switches, it's more like gradual sliding from one position to another, and it's still me even though a slightly different me.

So, I can't say that it was DID, because I think there should be something more to it. It was very much a therapeutic experience, there was nothing static about it.

NicS, I'm not sure what you meant by saying that maybe he was my saint or chi. At any rate, even though I liked his art he wasn't my idol. He was more like a pitiable anti-hero, and exactly the type of person who I had never understood, a 'weakling' who was a mess regardless of his talent. I assume that I needed him because I was weak and worried and there was trouble, but my conscious self blocked all those emotions out due to my persistent attempt to become/be tough and strong no matter what. I assume that in that situation my personality, subconsciousness or what do you call it created this helper identity, based on a real character, who could remind me of those themes and facts (that I'm sensitive and always have been) in a way that didn't cause me to feel unsafe or helpless. At the end of this process, I started to feel unconditional love and respect for the sensitive side of me. Somehow it all peaked when I ... sort of felt that he took me along to accompany himself during the very last hours of his life, and he did it to show me something about weakness so that I wouldn't have to avoid or despise it in anyone, myself included. Well, I gotta say that basically he did become my inner Christ figure after all. This is the hard part to explain, and it's the part that made me make a spiritual interpretation of it all. I never thought about it any further than as a strange way of learning a lesson, that is before this derealization information reached me. But it wasn't so strange in my collection of strange experiences. What made it remarkable was that as such an intense thing to happen it lasted so long.

Of course the other reason why I felt it like something that touched my spirituality was that my beloved family member was also to die very soon. I sort of felt that this episode prepared me for that too, but still rather marginally. It had to do with my own personality most of all.

Haha I was just worried you thought I was saying you were trying to victimise yourself - not my intention at all!
I think it sounds more like co-concious DID than full switching DID if that makes any sense to you? Like it's you, with your alters all the time. You can see that your not "you" as such, but you can't control what you are doing/saying?
Let me know if this makes any sense to you!