Question about inner worlds

I don’t remember any thing that most people would see as traumatic….but have about first 7 years missing.

My parents were not ‘abusers’ they were just trying to do the best they could for me but unfortunately I was a child at a time where autism was not recognised in girls (plus had other medical complications with many symptom overlaps) and and people treated doctors like gods cos they knew stuff most ‘common people’ didn’t have access to (medical training etc not Dr Google back then!) …people wouldn’t think to research things themselves as they didn’t have the access to that kind of information.

I think our core child’s imagination was probably cos video games didn’t exist back then, and was probably fascinated by ‘other worlds’ portrayed on TV like Star Trek. I’m guessing Spock caught their attention due to them also ‘not understanding humans’..I feel one of the younger ones maybe wondered if they were Vulcan at one point or pretended to be when other kids were teasing them so they didn’t show any emotion. Living in an Holodeck (ie our bedroom) probably seemed much more preferable!

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Maybe this isn't what you meant, but DID isn't caused by "one big event." It's caused by ongoing or repetitive trauma that feels inescapable and overwhelming.

It is often caused by "less clearly obvious" trauma events, that might not even be recognized by the person as having been traumatic, since it was just their "normal" childhood.

Thanks. Maybe that didn't come out how I meant it, because I know it's not one big event.

For years it had been insisted upon by most therapists and doctors I'd dealt with that I was lying about past abuse- apparently I would react and behave like someone who has been sexually abused. I was badgered repeatedly during sessions because I wouldn't admit it to them- there was nothing to admit. And even though now, later on, I'm not 100% sure what happened, if I had zero memories at the time, they should have taken it at face value. They also spent years looking for one big trauma item. I don't have one big trauma item, but lots of other ones that were discounted as unimportant because they weren't sexual abuse. I have a lot of trouble now with seeing my trauma as being important and valid. It was a lot of messed up therapy experiences. I have a different therapist and doctor now. A therapist who specialises in trauma and who sees my experiences as traumatic, and as being important, more than anyone else did. I have the right people to work with now- trying to undo the mess those other therapists created.

Shadowlands wrote:I don’t remember any thing that most people would see as traumatic….but have about first 7 years missing.

My parents were not ‘abusers’ they were just trying to do the best they could for me but unfortunately I was a child at a time where autism was not recognised in girls (plus had other medical complications with many symptom overlaps) and and people treated doctors like gods cos they knew stuff most ‘common people’ didn’t have access to (medical training etc not Dr Google back then!) …people wouldn’t think to research things themselves as they didn’t have the access to that kind of information.

Mine weren't abusers either. I think they did the best with the resources they had, but I guess as I understand my autism more, and understand that's why I struggled to fit in with everyone else around me, might explain some more things. I am "missing" a lot of my childhood and school years.

I go in for a final detailed report session for the autism assessment this week. I'm hoping it will help me understand what's what a little more.

I think they need to update the medical description for DID because there must be so many who may have it but totally unaware and wouldn’t even consider it because they have no memory of anything so significant happening in very early childhood that could have possibly caused it.

There also seems to be many in other groups that consider themself maybe plural but not DID. Our own system is split and I suspect some alters have come out in the past who have unjoined us from support groups because they don’t believe they (as an alter) or we (as a system) are.

I don’t think any of our hosts have ever had any therapy specifically for DID and I don’t think we’d get the diagnosis now.

An update- I have recently received my autism diagnosis. It's been suggested that some of my dissociation may be less about trauma in the usual sense, and more about being overwhelmed by my surroundings, especially in my general everyday fuzziness that I experience. My first episode of the dissociated feeling I can recall came on a three day school camp age 9/10- where I was surrounded by about 80 other kids in an environment far removed from my usual surrounds. I realise now, that was me overwhelmed by the situation of dealing with a lot of people constantly, with little down time, in unfamiliar surroundings and with the constant noise from the ocean (we camped near a beach and I am from the country), which I was not used to. It happened again on subsequent outings for the whole grade later on.

My therapist has been keen to point out to me that I do have trauma involved in my dissociation, and I agree with him. But I think we both agree that maybe the idea that I have specific abuse or trauma I don't remember can be put aside for now, and I don't feel the need to question myself and my memories, or lack of. Sure, something could still come out later on, but if nothing ever presents itself, then I feel I have an explanation for it for now. There will be more things come out at different times- I had a new flashback of sorts this week, but I feel like I can stop looking and waiting for the "something big" to hit me.

I agree with your therapist. Constant autistic overwhelm can be traumatic in itself. There is no need for a "big event" to be traumatized. Constant little everyday stress can be traumatizing for the brain, too.