Western: The Journey's End

I'm calling it the Journey's end because I feel I've done most of my journey before I got to this point. I don't know why I feel this way but I just do.

I'll just see how this goes. It'll probably be just a collection of randomness that will serve not much of a purpose but you never know.

You get a feeling when you're coming towards the end of a journey or when your at the end of a journey and it's a nice feeling. Like you can relax. You don't need to worry because you're home and you're safe and that's how I feel.

It's since I started my therapy almost a year ago. Never had therapy before and never ever thought I would get a chance to tell anyone about my story.

What I've learned recently is that the past really doesn't matter. I used to waste so much of my time trying to remember stuff that had happened to me. Memories that had got buried. Then I realised that the reason I cannot remember is that I'm being protected from those bad things by the system that I have developed and so all that really matters to me now is this system and not the memories. I don't know whether that is a right or a wrong way to feel about this but it is the way I feel at the moment.

I've also come to understanding that what ever does emerge will emerge when it is safe to do so and at a time when I am able to cope with those things.

I'm only just learning to accept that I have this system and I'm only just learning to appreciate it and thank the different parts for all the help they have given me over the past almost 5 decades. It's hard to believe that they have been busy working away while i have been quite unaware of it. I think it might be amnesia. I'm no expert.

I also don't really know the names of all of the different parts of my system. Upto now I have worked out 4.a little, 2 teens and an older one. 2 male and 2 female. I know there are more but they have minor parts to play within this whole thing but I'm not too worried about that now. It is what it is.

Thank you for reading

Western

we feel we're coming near the near of this menopause thing...it's caused a lot of disruption for us, but at the same time we have learned a lot about ourselves!

There is still confusion,there is still a way to go but one day everything will come together and make sense!

Traumagenic systems are not condemned to live in chaos and we don't need to have unearthed every last thing to heal.
Accepting each other and accepting the past was #######5, forgiving yourself and grieving for the past you never had are all huge steps.

But like you we have found that we don't need to obses on the past to heal.

Forgiveing yourselves and work towards the future is more important in our opinion cause the future is the only part of your life you can actively change.

Its fantastic that you are accepting yourselves and can appreciate the work your system does to protect you.

TheTriForce wrote:we feel we're coming near the near of this menopause thing...it's caused a lot of disruption for us, but at the same time we have learned a lot about ourselves!

There is still confusion,there is still a way to go but one day everything will come together and make sense!

I don't know about the menopause yet. It's not come. I keep thinking it's because my body doesn't know how old my brain is or maybe the other way round but that's probably nonsense but I just know it's not come. But I'm glad you're getting over yours.

-- Mon Oct 16, 2023 5:44 pm --

Eliseahorse wrote:Traumagenic systems are not condemned to live in chaos and we don't need to have unearthed every last thing to heal.
Accepting each other and accepting the past was #######5, forgiving yourself and grieving for the past you never had are all huge steps.

But like you we have found that we don't need to obses on the past to heal.

Forgiveing yourselves and work towards the future is more important in our opinion cause the future is the only part of your life you can actively change.

Its fantastic that you are accepting yourselves and can appreciate the work your system does to protect you.

Yes you're right because you can't change what has happened in the passed because it's already happened.

Thank you for that.

Feeling lost sucks. I felt lost for so many years since Andrew fell asleep.

He was my whole identity for most of my life and then he just fell asleep when I was in my 20s. I didn't understand it at he time because obviously I didn't know all about this. All I knew was that he (or I) had fallen asleep. How you supposed to explain that to people. This body had lost its person.

We was just in the bath and ended up having a discussion about our system.

I think the bath is probably like neutral ground for us to have these pow wows. Two of me ended up going head to head.

It started off with me just thinking how all this began. It's not hard for me to see that it all started with a need to find order within disorder. Our system gave me something that no one else was ever gonna give me. Love, support, discipline and order. It is some that I could count on when I had no one and nothing else in the world to count on and rely upon. It's a sad state of affairs.

This is the point where the two lock horns because one is saying its not actually a big deal. We've survived, we do well, we've got a life story and we've got stuff that we never would have had if it was not for the system.

The other then comes in and counters that with the absolute horror of why we have a system in the first place.

This all went on in the bath until the water went cold. I mediated. This happens quite often over different things.

I'm gonna have to find names for these two warriors.

Andrew got his new clothes today. I must say its so good to have him back with us after his absence for so many years. It's weird though because I didn't realise that he was so serious. He is really serious.

I only noticed this when I was with my T last week because I could only tell by my therapists facial expressions as I was switching between Andrew and little western. One minute his expression was light and happy and then when it was Andrew talking his face became more serious and then I realised that he was mirroring us.

Thanks for reading

Scribe

I'd be more surprised if he wasn't so serious

Stone

-- Tue Oct 17, 2023 11:56 am --

You don't have to talk about me as if I'm not here

Its good your t can see and mirror you x