Alters and relationships

Hello everyone,

First of, a trigger warning for [trigger] cheating, (toxic) relationships, and sexuality [/trigger].

So, perhaps this topic has been discussed plenty by some of you, but I'm still rather new to DID so I have little answers and a lot of questions. Currently I'm wondering what the deal is when it comes to alters and relationships.

Allow me to clarify.

I've done a lot of researching lately and I found people who have relationships with their own alters and alters who have relationships with other alters, as well as alters having relationships with other people than the host is dating. Now I'm trying to make sense of what is problematic here and what isn't. Some people say an alter and a host dating the same person is just a type of polyamory and others say it's cheating so I wanted to see what your opinions are on the following situations:

1) The host is in a relationship with their own alter.
2) The host is in a relationship with their own alter as well as someone outside of their system.
3) The host is in a relationship with two or more of their own alters.
4) The host is in a relationship outside the system and any of their alters is in a relationship with someone else outside of the system.
5) The host is in a relationship with the host of another system while any alter is in a relationship with an alter of that other host.
6) The host and one or more of their alters are in a relationship with the same person outside of their system.

I think these are all the situations I found. I think it's really interesting because our alters are different people, but they are also a part of us. They have different feelings and mannerisms, but in the end we're all in the same body. When is it cheating and when isn't it?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

All best,

~ Grey/Knight

We are in situation 5 but of course it started as one alter dating what we thought was a singlet.

Its cheating when you know and your partners don't.

Eg. If host and alter A are dating person x person x needs to be told they are dating 2 people(alters) they also need to be told that there are (number) adult alters in the system and they are not guaranteed to be in a relationship with them. Alter a and host then discus their personal monogamy/non monogamy approach to dating.
- for simplicity every alter in example agrees to monogamy

3 months later alter b meets person y. They date for a month before host and alter a are made aware of person y. UP UNTIL THIS POINT NO CHEATING HAS OCCURED.

It is then imperative that either host or alter a inform person x that alter b is dating person y. BECAUSE EVERY ALTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WHOLE. Imagine how hurt person x would be if the found out through friends that they are being cheated upon, because that's how the world will see what is happening. Alter b is responsible for telling person y about the existence of the system and person x.

Christmas comes and host suggests that person x and person y join the system for a lovely weekend. During the christmass weekend it is discovered that person x and person y are two alter from the same system who don't know the other exists. THEY HAVE NOT CHEATED ON ANYONE BECAUSE THEY DID NOT KNOW OF EACH OTHERS EXISTANCE AND WERE NOT INTENTIONALLY HIDING ANYTHING.

If alter a was to start dating person y after having declared themselves monogamous with person x, THEY WOULD BE CHEATING on both person x and alter b.

I hope that makes sence.

In system dating as long as you are honest and everyone agrees to the relationship dynamic its not cheating.

I really like your answer, Eliseahorse!

For us, we had relationships inside the system. One of my ex was jealous of that, but she knew about it before we started dating. Our latest partner didn't care.

We also never had issue with dating the same outside person. Every time we dated someone, the whole system was involved in taking the decision. Even if the whole system wasn't interested into dating the person, we wanted to make sure no one had an objection. If someone said "no", then the others had to respect that and to not date the person. Having one of us saying "no" happened twice, and respecting it was really the best decision we ever made.

Our latest partner was chosen by the whole system, and was technically dating the system as a whole (with adjustments made for the younger alters). It never occurred to any of us that could be seen as cheating. We never saw it as polyamory either.

At the beginning of our healing journey, some of our alters have fallen in love with different outside persons. We always talked about that together, and our general rule was, as we were in a monogamous relationship back then, to never cheat on the current partner. Everyone always respected that.

So, I would add to Eliseahorse's great answer that it's cheating when it breaks the boundaries established beforehand. That's why you really have to be honest and communicate about what's going on, and to make sure everyone is okay with the boundaries, and knows what is expected from them.

One thing I wanted to add is about the situations when two or more alters of the same system have relationships together. It's literally a part of their brain loving another part (or multiple parts) of the same brain. As long as the system doesn't make it weird or inappropriate, it's actually a normal, very common, and healthy thing to happen when you work with your system, since healing is also about learning to love yourself as a whole. It's something to know about, and IMO it shouldn't be seen as cheating, specially not cheating on an outside person.

Of course, the situation will lead to feelings to talk about and process, but again: it's a normal, common and healthy thing to happen when you have DID. If an outside person tries to interfere with that or is really seriously jealous of the internal relationships inside a system, I see this as a red flag.

I agree with all of what the others said before me. I'll just chime in with my own experiences.

Before I was aware I had DID, one of my exes had rummaged through my old journals and discovered that the host back then was in relationship with another alter and threw temper tantrums about that. Like Dwelt said, huge red flag. What happens inside your brain is yours and nothing to be jealous of imo.

When any alter is in a relationship with any alter from inside, like Dwelt said, I call this a healthy "learn to love yourself" thing - as long as it does not cause the system to be closed towards any interaction with people outside of the system. It is similar to how parasocial relationships can be healthy or cringe/unhealthy depending on how much it is balanced and open to social interactions with other physical people.

Regarding the "is it polyamory / cheating" I also hold similar point of views than the previously quoted opinions. Make sure everybody know what they are stepping into and everybody agrees with it -> polyamory. If someone does not know the full picture, if somebody's boundaries are crossed -> cheating (or worse).

Though I also like to call "endo polyamory" the situations when multiple alters of the same system are involved with one or more alters of another system (or with the same singlet). Coz it's cute. Also I am in this situation (datefriend is DID and I have functional multiplicity meaning healed DID with unfused identities) and I think "endo polyamory" reminds that there are many different facets to the relationship. My way of being with the different alters of my datefriend is different from alter to alter and I also have different ways of interacting with them depending on what identity of mine is more prominent at any given time. Even if it's normal that a relationship has many facets including between singlets (when it's a healthy one anyway), I enjoy all the peculiarities of being many version of me interacting with many parts of my lover in many different ways.

I do not mind that my lover's alters have relationships with each-others, quite the contrary: it is her learning to love herself and to care for herself and to have compassion for herself and I think it's beautiful. <3

Our therapist called multiple alters being in a relationship with the same person "intrapolly" it has a flag too. Its the pollyamorous flag but instead of the & symbol it has a plat of teel, purple and gold (they represent ptsd, abuse survivor, little/innocent) that runs diagonally across

Thanks for the input everyone.

So if I go back to my situation sketches then it'd seem that options 1, 2 and 3 are types of self-love that could be considered a version of polyamory if there are more alters involved and outside interference could be toxic to healing. Option 2 and 3 might even be very common and healthy if you look at it from that perspective. Option 1 is good as well as long as it doesn't prevent the building of relationships outside of the system.

Option 4 is either cheating or polyamory depending on how much consent goes around.

Option 5 seemed most complicated to me especially when there's mind gaps involved but everyone is aware perhaps one person's switch will automatically trigger the other's and avoid complications in that way?

Option 6 turns not half as difficult to grasp if you operate under the 1 body and everyone knows perspective.

Guess as always with relationships: communication and consent are key.

Do you think that a lot of people with alters will choose to hide their relationships within the system from the outside world? So like with option 2 and 3. Would it be more beneficial to tell a partner or to view it as self-love and not risk possibly confusing a partner outside the system?
How many people without alters tell their partners about the way they love themselves after all?

~ Grey/Knight

Do you think that a lot of people with alters will choose to hide their relationships within the system from the outside world? So like with option 2 and 3. Would it be more beneficial to tell a partner or to view it as self-love and not risk possibly confusing a partner outside the system?
How many people without alters tell their partners about the way they love themselves after all?

I know some system that hide (or tried to hide) it because they are ashamed of their alters having relationships together. They are afraid if someone without DID learn about it, this person will think they are weird, or say they are faking, or they are hallucinating, etc. Some hide it as well because they had ex-partners who had very weird reaction to the news (jealousy, anger, etc.), and they are afraid their current partner would react the same.

But from my experience, those who hide it from their partner aren't the majority.

My previous partners knew because they were there at the beginning of my healing journey, and they followed our story as close friends for a long time before we started dating.

If I meet someone now, I don't know if I would tell them. Not like "I will hide this information from them", but more like "I don't feel like it's relevant to have a specific convo about that". If it comes casually while talking, okay. But having "The Talk"... It would feel weird. We've reach functional multiplicity, we are pretty well integrated from an outside POV, so us having a romantic relationship inside have no impact on the outside. It's my relationship to and with myself. It's pretty intimate and, as you said, I don't see many singlets telling their partner about the way they love themselves with great details.

The only cases I see it would be beneficial to talk about it would be if the relationships mean something more than just self-love, like if knowing about it could be a way to better understand how the system works, and could help the outside person to better understand how to be around the system and help them ; if the inside relationships are a "work in progress" to be more healthy and currently have an impact on the outside.

Like, at the beginning, my alters were in relationships with others that were their opposite, but in a "we complement each other" kind of way. Knowing X was dating Y was also a way to know that if Y is triggered, talking to X to help them reach the front would help Y to be more grounded and to calm down.

Or if one of their alter is in love with the host, but jealous of their outside partner, it's better for the partner to know about this, so they can all figure out the situation together.

Triskelion wrote:Thanks for the input everyone.

Option 5 seemed most complicated to me especially when there's mind gaps involved but everyone is aware perhaps one person's switch will automatically trigger the other's and avoid complications

~ Grey/Knight

Yeah we wish it was that simple. Truth is at least at our stage of heeling there is no way to dictate who is main for the day. We've got to the stage where there is no host as such but rather everyday is a pot luck as to a) which alters are conscious b) with alters have the most energy

Our partner is new to knowing they are a system and have zero communication between alters and major amnesia.

We avoid cheating by being aware who is front as much as possible at any one time and keeping things platonic until we are certain who is fronting our partners system. We have a complicated web of who is dating who which caused upset a couple of times at first but after a while it becomes instinctive. We've had our partner get triggered mid sex and switch to a little/incompatible big and we can tell something is off . When that happens everything stops we get dressed and we divert to cartoons/walk outside/chores
Some of our alters are gay some are straight we both have mixed gendered systems. There are a couple of alters that REALY clash so the agree to stay away from each other, if they happen to be fronting we take time to parallel play at opposite ends of the house.
Sometimes it sucks when you have a run of incompatible pairings. When its been more than a week that partnered alters have been able to see each other we resort to gift giving or WhatsApp voice notes left for the relevant alter to open when they next appear.
We see it as we are all room mates and some of those room mates happen to be sleeping with each other but we all have to interact one way or another.

Also Just because you are having breakfast together or going to the zoo together doesn't meen you are cheating. Its the attitude that counts. In friends when chandler takes pheobee to a chikfilla place because he really likes it and wants to enjoy it with someone but Monica hates chikfilla he isn't cheating on Monica. Same with alters doing stuff with nonpartner alters. It would be very controlling to expect your partner alter to only ever interact with you

Eliseahorse wrote:. We've got to the stage where there is no host as such but rather everyday is a pot luck as to a) which alters are conscious b) with alters have the most energy

We have been through this stage too for mostly the last 8 years. We previously had a stable external host who would be the main host for outside life for around 10 years. We found relationships were more stable when that was so. ..not just intimate relationships but also friendship and relationships with colleages/neighbours,family members etc too.

Since a stroke left a few of us from first era of life locked out front (initially) the only relationship they recognised was that with our sibling (as parents had died years ago) and because it was during pandemic and we were then isolated it seems to be the only relationship that has improved from what it was!

Jay

Dwelt wrote:

Like, at the beginning, my alters were in relationships with others that were their opposite, but in a "we complement each other" kind of way. Knowing X was dating Y was also a way to know that if Y is triggered, talking to X to help them reach the front would help Y to be more grounded and to calm down.

This is interesting. My two alters from what I've learned thus far absolutely despise each other for the very fact that they appear to be polar opposites. Anything they could complement to each other is seen as a flaw in the other. They are only every in agreement when it comes to protecting me. To be honest I feel rather lucky when it comes to that. Not the part where they dislike each other, I'd like to see them co-exist more peacefully if they can, but the fact that I'm their number one priority.

@Eliseahorse; I'd quote your entire post but that seems excessive. I can understand where your struggles are in this. I can't really control my switches either. I'm getting better at recognizing them and identifying the triggers though and the closer I get to my alters, the "smoother" the transition goes too. If I panic and black out, that's still not great, but we've established more... well... trance like states? I think it's still a far cry from what people call 'co-fronting', but I'm awake for it. Just my body doesn't act like I'd act and I though I can feel things, I can't relate to my own feelings. At least one of my two alters has also started to "ask" permission to take over. Perhaps "coaxing me out" is the better phrase at times. At least it's a heads-up.
I hope that for you and yours it'll get to a point where you can allow everyone their time together as well as their time apart. I have no littles, but I can imagine how horribly scary it must be for a little to show up while you're in bed with your partner, and for your partner and you too, especially since he's new too it. At least you seem to have a good idea going of how to respond to it. I hope things will get easier for you all!

~ Grey / Knight