alter stealing our co-ordination?

I was to preface this by saying I’ve never used a forum before, and if someone could please tell me if I break rules and give me the opportunity to learn I’d be very grateful, I’m nervous I’ll accidentally make some sort of mistake.

Also!

TW FOR MENTION OF TRAUMA, PSYCHOSIS, DEFINED ROLLS, AND DISCUSSION OF AN ALTER BEING ABUSIVE

I hope I did that right

So, I VERY recently discovered we’re a system. I have a gatekeeper who is also a persecutor. Idk if its just him or more than one. I don’t currently have access to the inner world, because of this gatekeeper/persecutor.

He tells the host that we’re all crazy, that the trauma that created us didn’t happen, and that we’re hallucinating or having delusions/psychosis, and doesn’t let us argue with her.

This has been happening for YEARS.

One of us finally sent a video explaining everything to a friend, he had to keep writing in our journal or he was going to get forced back while it was uploading. He had to fight the gatekeeper SO HARD to do this. He made a whole new gmail account, uploaded it to drive, sent the link to a friend, and then changed the password to something even he couldn’t remember (random keyboard smashing) just because he knew the gatekeeper was deleting evidence for a long time now.

When the alter who sent the video was writing, he started becoming less and less legible. His writing is 90% unreadable. Whenever we try to journal. The gatekeeper/persecutor tries to do that to us. He’s even trying to do it now, but I'm fighting hard. It feels like my hands were under ice water for 20 minutes.

Is it really possible for a gate keeper to steal our coordination even though we aren’t letting him front anymore? He’s telling us we’re delusional for thinking this.

Thank you, for reading, and info or personal anecdotes would mean a lot!

This is a possibility, you are right.

It is important to understand how "persecutors" work: they are first and foremost PROTECTORS but their actions are maladapted.

In the past, disclosing you have DID or talking about trauma might have put yourself/ves in grave danger. It was a good idea to hide it all, to pretend everything was okay, nothing bad happened, yadda yadda. It was super important to hide the trauma at all cost, it was a matter of life and death! (or at least this is what it felt like back then and there)

But now that you are an adult and (I hope !) away from your past abusers, it is safe to talk about these things to other DID people for support, to close understanding friends, to a therapist... To people who can help and support you all through the process of healing.

You fill find ressources about DID and therapy in the ressources thread linked in my signature. Additionally, here is an article about "persecutor" alters and how to work with them: https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/xmlui/handle/1794/1601 The article is a little bit old (30 years...) so the vocabulary is a bit old but the ideas are here.

I hope things will ease out for you! You are safe now. You can talk about the things. You can look at the past wounds and seek healing for them. And if it is super intimidating to do all of this all at once, you can do it baby step by baby step. It's okay to need time to heal.