Am I forgetting something?

I've just joined the forum and wanted to say hello.

For about the last six months I have been wondering if it's possible I have DID and have been doing some research. It has been on my mind constantly but it's more like a feeling rather than having any evidence.

I'm Autistic and I learned about depersonalization and derealization hearing other people's experiences and felt like I related. I've always had talking in my head (I've been on antipsychotics in the past). I realised I have gaps in my timeline but nothing I could think of recent enough that I could say it's amnesia. Like that I could have just forgotten things.

But someone asked me yesterday what I got for Christmas and I couldn't recall opening any presents even though I definitely did. I had to think what was new for me to say what I had gotten. I tried to think what had happened on Christmas day and it's sort of like... I know where I had been... not like a blackout. But you know if you're in a waiting room or someone else's house and the TV is on in the corner but you aren't really watching it? It's like trying to remember what was on the TV, I just have odd images and try and piece it together. I was wondering if that's a common experience.

It's weird because I didn't even think about it until someone asked the question and now I'm thinking there could be regular gaps but I just don't notice.

Am I reaching? I'm not saying I'd like it to be true, I would love to be able to rule out DID. The uncertainty isn't very pleasant. I had a very bad experience talking to a doctor about it and want to do a bit more digging before tying again.

I'm not expecting anyone here to say either way as well. It's just that Christmas experience and not being aware of missing memories... Appreciate anyone sharing

JC

jc80 wrote:I'm Autistic and I learned about depersonalization and derealization hearing other people's experiences and felt like I related.

Autistic people often have some level of dissociative disorder going on. See this litterature review for further informations: https://did-research.org/comorbid/devel ... -disorders

jc80 wrote:I realised I have gaps in my timeline but nothing I could think of recent enough that I could say it's amnesia. Like that I could have just forgotten things.

There is a difference between normal forgetting of details of events, and whole gaps in the timeline. Big gaps = amnesia. The DID amnesia is NOT the stereotypical "I have never a clue about what is going on". It can sometimes be like that, but most of the time people with dissociative disorders to not have such constant amnesia. They also develop coping mechanisms such as writing things down or a Sherlock Holmes like ability to deduce what is going on from the element they have at the moment so they do not realize they have amnesia / they do not suffer too much from it. It's exhausting though.

jc80 wrote:I tried to think what had happened on Christmas day and it's sort of like... I know where I had been... not like a blackout.

This is what DID amnesia works. It is rarely a blackout.

Personally I have a lot of micro amnesia, meaning that I forgot something for like 3 seconds then I remember. (ADHD + dissociation combo!) It does not feel like a blackout, more like a brain lag. I also have an "on and off" memory. Sometimes I can remember something, other times it's like "I know that I know but I cannot remember at the moment".

jc80 wrote:It's weird because I didn't even think about it until someone asked the question and now I'm thinking there could be regular gaps but I just don't notice.

It is commonplace to not realize something is missing untill someone else points it out. Also, dissociative mechanisms protect you from freaking out by making you forget that you forgot (amnesia about amnesia). It's nice because you do NOT freak out. But it does not help to become aware of the issue and to solve it.

jc80 wrote:I would love to be able to rule out DID.

DID is far from the only dissociative disorder with annoying symptoms. There are less intense ones such as OSDD. (but we all gather on the DID board since it's more convenient that way)



Like you said, nobody can diagnose you online. But what you describe sounds like dissociative amnesia.

There are other things than DID or OSDD that can cause dissociative amnesia. Less intense trauma, stress, anxiety and dissociative disorders can cause amnesia due to the high levels of stress. It is commonplace in autism due to our hightened sensitivities and higher levels of stress and anxiety. The good new is that apparently, because we are more sensitive, we have a fudgeton of events in our daily life that can make us work on the therapy tools for integration hence a therapy being more time-efficient. While people who are less sensitive have less often the occasion to work on the therapy tools so it takes more time on the calendar to do the same amount of therapy work.

It is so common for us autistics to have such comorbidities that most of the autism "symptoms" are trauma and stress related. (-_-)"

Anyway, I would not say it is DID per se but there appears to be some level of dissociation going on and a good ressource book to start with in order to learn to manage everyday stress is "Coping with trauma related dissociation". If you have enough money, buy it it's worth it. Good if you can find it second-hand because it's less expensive that way. If you want to have a look at it, you can try to see if you can borrow it from/through your local library (some libraries can borrow from each-other which is convenient) or have a look at the online Library Genesis or PDF Drive to see first before buying if it might be helpful for you. Some online e-book shops allow to read 10-20 pages too, which is convenient to see if a book is a good fit for you. Google Books can allow you to read some extracts from books, check where to purchase or where to borrow from, convenient too.

Anyway, welcome aboard!

jc80 wrote:I'm Autistic and I learned about depersonalization and derealization hearing other people's experiences and felt like I related. I've always had talking in my head (I've been on antipsychotics in the past). I realised I have gaps in my timeline but nothing I could think of recent enough that I could say it's amnesia. Like that I could have just forgotten things.

I'm putting this a little differently than I actually think about it these days.

I'm autistic as well, and for most of my life there were voices in my head. We had conversations and often entertained each other. 'I' grew up with the looming threat of schizophrenia (which at the time I was only ever told was 'voices in your head') so I never told anyone. I was aware of two of the alters in our system for years. After a couple months of groundwork, I finally explained it all to my T and we've started to lay down healing the trauma.

jc80 wrote:But someone asked me yesterday what I got for Christmas and I couldn't recall opening any presents even though I definitely did. I had to think what was new for me to say what I had gotten. I tried to think what had happened on Christmas day and it's sort of like... I know where I had been... not like a blackout. But you know if you're in a waiting room or someone else's house and the TV is on in the corner but you aren't really watching it? It's like trying to remember what was on the TV, I just have odd images and try and piece it together. I was wondering if that's a common experience.

It's weird because I didn't even think about it until someone asked the question and now I'm thinking there could be regular gaps but I just don't notice.

This is a very common experience for me. For instance, when one of the others in the system are out, I will remember that time has passed, and very vaguely what has gone on. If something is loud and important I may remember it. This passed week, Pippa was out for two days, and I'd be hard pressed to remember what happened without 'asking', and it isn't just a little bit. Because of the autism, everything is structured. For instance, there is a menu plan, but I cannot remember if it was stuck to. Now, that's a small unimportant thing, but it's annoying when I'm having to be reminded about big things that happen and are forgotten.

Sometimes I'll come back to the front and realize she or someone else has changed things about.

Arbremonde wrote:They also develop coping mechanisms such as writing things down or a Sherlock Holmes like ability to deduce what is going on from the element they have at the moment so they do not realize they have amnesia / they do not suffer too much from it. It's exhausting though.

This. Each morning, whoever is out checks social media, checks messages, and checks for notes. It's a long standing habit. We also go over anything that's been posted over and over again. Worst thing is, I used to assume it was because I was checking to see if what I was written was wrong somehow; however, it's why I and the others in our system, know what happened without sharing memories.

All of this culminated with a good friend finally saying "Hey, I think there's something going on". She has been friends with others with DID, so she noticed the signs.

Yes, we can't diagnose, but we can help you understand and hopefully get to the point where you approach someone who can.

Welcome to the forums. I'm Vi. I hope you have a pleasant day.

Thanks for the amazing responses! Great to hear from you.
I need quite a bit of time to reflect on the things you say, this is taking a lot of mental power!

Maybe the term 'amnesia' was throwing me a bit; not really knowing much about dissociative disorders or having a psychology background. So if I have periods I look back on and it's foggy and difficult to think of... and I can't remember high school even though I can clearly remember stuff from outside of school going on at the same time... that's probably amnesia? Sometimes I feel like my brain purposefully tries to redirect me instead of the memories being missing.

What you say about being a detective somewhat resonates. Not that I'm consciously looking for clues, but I do feel that I always have to be hyperaware. I seem to be endlessly going through past messages and posts, working back through events in my mind.

I'll definitely check out that book. The did-research link looks great as well. I'm right at the start of my journey, trying to understand myself better. No matter what is going on I feel comforted knowing that there's a supportive community here. Thank you.

jc80 wrote:Maybe the term 'amnesia' was throwing me a bit; not really knowing much about dissociative disorders or having a psychology background. So if I have periods I look back on and it's foggy and difficult to think of... and I can't remember high school even though I can clearly remember stuff from outside of school going on at the same time... that's probably amnesia? Sometimes I feel like my brain purposefully tries to redirect me instead of the memories being missing.

This is totally what dissociation does to your brain. When a memory is too painful for the part of your mind trying to remember it, your brain does not allow to access it. Or only part of it, such as remembering the event but not the emotional distress or physical pain. Or remembering it happened without remembering directly, a bit like knowing the summary of a movie without having watched it.

jc80 wrote:I seem to be endlessly going through past messages and posts, working back through events in my mind.

This is also a clue that you have some level of amnesia going on and use a lot of coping mechanisms to manage. At least you cope and it is something great!

jc80 wrote:No matter what is going on I feel comforted knowing that there's a supportive community here. Thank you.

Glad to be of help! This board helped me a lot too. This community is very supportive and I am glad to be here and glad that you found you way towards here.

jc80 wrote:Thanks for the amazing responses! Great to hear from you.
I need quite a bit of time to reflect on the things you say, this is taking a lot of mental power!

You are most welcome, and yes, it is taxing and tiring.

jc80 wrote:Maybe the term 'amnesia' was throwing me a bit; not really knowing much about dissociative disorders or having a psychology background. So if I have periods I look back on and it's foggy and difficult to think of... and I can't remember high school even though I can clearly remember stuff from outside of school going on at the same time... that's probably amnesia? Sometimes I feel like my brain purposefully tries to redirect me instead of the memories being missing.

I can remember the building where we attended High School. I can remember my English teacher. I cannot remember any other teachers. I can remember a lot of other things too, but there are memories that are not accessible to me at all. The memories aren't missing, not really. You just can't access them, and yes, your system is redirecting or preventing you from accessing them until you are ready.

I'm glad to help. Everyone here's been supportive and helpful
Take care,
Vi