Major Depersonalization at night

I'm still learning about all this, but I live alone and at night I have these like episodes where I can't tell if I'm alive. It's very distressing because I feel like I don't know if I'm alive or dead. Sometimes I'll think in my mind that I'm not alive I'm just dead and I don't know it and the life I'm living is just something I'm making up in my mind. Or that I'm just seeing what I want to see but I'm really not alive and that none of this is real. I feel ridiculous admitting this but I'm tired of battling all these symptoms alone. Has anyone else experienced anything like this.

i have a variety of dissociative symptoms. they aren't always related to DID. i think you might mean derealization though where you don't feel real/alive, like things are a dream, etc. that is more what i experience on a daily basis mildly and severe at other times. i spent years in that state. it was difficult. i also took a med before i was properly diagnosed that made it 100 times worse to the point it became dangerous for me. you aren't alone in it.

Oops, I got the terminology confused. But yes I did mean derealization. Thanks for your reply. I guess I'm still in denial about the diagnosis and trying to see if all the symptoms I've been having is really (did) related. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

DID is a package of dissociation symptoms. It is a bit like a "level up" kinda thing. When you have "level 93 DID" you have all the symptoms of all the previous levels too. Derealization is among the "low leve"l symptoms and many, many people can experience them. I think I can even stretch it to the point that everybody will experience them at least once in their lifetime.

They are distressing though.

For me, I realized that they are linked to high levels of stress and that taking an anxiety pill when they start to become too intense, makes them more managable. I am also very used to derealization and depersonnalization (DP/DR) to the point that it really takes a high level intensity for me to feel distressed. Which is not a good thing because it means it's kinda chronic for me.

Or at least that was before my DID therapist gave me anchoring exercises to do often. I went through a period of time when "being anchored" was kinda distressing because "It's not what I am used to AAAAAA" but it's getting better now. I am better able to tell how much anchored I am and to see all of these different states as, well, different intensities of DP/DR and/or anchoring. Which makes it easier to manage.

It is an impressive symptom but not dangerous in itself. But it IS super impressive. If it is too distressing for you, do not hesitate to see with your medical team what they think could be useful for you to manage. (Anxiety pills, anchoring exercises, or anything else they think will work best for you. I do not know the whole list of stuff that work, only the list of stuff that I use for myself.)