Is therapy necessary?

Ok I have one more question (finding a therapist doesn't seem to be easy or cheap).

So I feel that most of the time I'm that sosipathic "he" that I think I've described, meaning the "always angry at everything and everyone, calculating money is all that matters" type. But whenever I get a snippet of empathy or warmth I become empathetic and warm but in a childlike way, not angry at all but peaceful and calm. Since I rarely get empathy (on the contrary, I/He has been called an awful person by many) the peace and calm are rare occurences. So which one am I ?

Doily wrote:Ok I have one more question (finding a therapist doesn't seem to be easy or cheap).

So I feel that most of the time I'm that sosipathic "he" that I think I've described, meaning the "always angry at everything and everyone, calculating money is all that matters" type. But whenever I get a snippet of empathy or warmth I become empathetic and warm but in a childlike way, not angry at all but peaceful and calm. Since I rarely get empathy (on the contrary, I/He has been called an awful person by many) the peace and calm are rare occurences. So which one am I ?

Maybe a younger part/alter blending with you or coming closer to the front and influencing your mood?

As TriForce said, it's quite possible that neither are 'you'. There is a thing called passive influence and that occurs quite often. I know that even if I don't switch out the others in my system very often, they can have a major influence in how I behave especially under certain stressful conditions. When I get incandescently angry, I know it's Val reacting to things. I've had to talk her down and get her to retreat back. I hope that this helps. You're always welcome to ask more questions and we'll try to help.

Doily wrote:Ok I have one more question (finding a therapist doesn't seem to be easy or cheap).

So I feel that most of the time I'm that sosipathic "he" that I think I've described, meaning the "always angry at everything and everyone, calculating money is all that matters" type. But whenever I get a snippet of empathy or warmth I become empathetic and warm but in a childlike way, not angry at all but peaceful and calm. Since I rarely get empathy (on the contrary, I/He has been called an awful person by many) the peace and calm are rare occurences. So which one am I ?

Both and neither.

As a global person (system-wise) you are both and even more, because you are all of the alters together at the same time. Identity-wise, it can be difficult to say because there are a lot of passive influence possible, blending, co-presence, and the like.

Therapy can help you better modulate all the thoughts and behavior: being able to be angry, but only at the persons and situations deserving this anger. Being able to feel empathy, whenever needed and whenever it is safe. Being able to calculate money, whenever it is time to focus on the budget, and in the same time, being able to think about other things, being able to feel the happiness and warmth of childhood wonder.

Because, all of this is important. And even more thoughts and behaviors and emotions atop of that are important. All of them are important and precious. It is ""just"" a question of matching the right ones with the right situation.

Okay it is not "just" because it takes time and effort and patience. But in the same time, there is nothing else that you really need to do. And at the root of everything is: building safety again. Not only outside but also, inside. Building the inner feeling of "I am safe". Because, once you deeply feel and know you are safe, you no longer need to lash out constantly to keep danger away. You can stay calm and at peace because you know, deeply, in your deepest guts, that you are safely safe.

...Another "just" thing taking lots of time and effort. But, well. Once you know where you need to go, it gets easier because there is less risk of being side-tracked and loosing time and energy.

Re: safety: I guess it's pretty telling about my childhood that one of the best memories I have is being treated in a hospital for a few weeks for blood poisoning which occured due to my parents' negligence. I was even called cute by a nurse! But I remember thinking that "actually I'm not, I'm bad and dirty, but I can't tell that to anyone". Then when I unfortunately had to leave, my parents bickered the whole way back as per usual. I think I cried. So, I guess I should get another blood poisoning, gonna go stab a rusty nail somewhere.

Continuing my previous post about safety (don't know if it's going to get posted): I'm staying with my abusive parents (meaning they were abusive when I eas a child and teen) since they do seem to offer some type of safety compared to being with other people or being alone. It's like they accept or ignore my actually possibly currently psychotic depression side, which other people obviously don't. But the situation isn't ideal for all identities probably, however alone I just freeze and feel very much dead so it is what it is.

Indeed. Your parents' presence is a constant reminder of their past abuse therefore, parts of you just cannot feel safe in their presence.

You deserve better. You deserve a competent team of medics. You deserve your own place. You deserve patient, caring friends.

You deserve better.

Doily,

You do deserve so much better. I hope you can find a way forward and be clear of and in your own place. I hope you can find safety.

Well I'm gonna ask for antidepressants to better tolerate my life.

By the way, how are some people with severe traumas still able to function like a "normal" person? Because for me my most debilitating symptoms probably are the constant flashbacks ( from different parts probably ? ), which drain my energy completely. It's been this way for like 20 years. Barely ever had a job.

What I do:

- antidepressants
- therapy

There are also nice tips on how to manage flashbacks (among other things) in the book "Coping with trauma related dissociation". Hope you will find it useful!