Statements that feel reassuring/supportive vs not--opinions?

I would like people's input about a discussion I had with my T yesterday about my interpretation of different statements he has made in response to recent texts about feeling upset and remembering difficult things from the past.

The texts from me were similar, and in both we asked him to send emojis in response as well as words (with one of the littles chiming in each time to say, "but not DUMB words," because he has a habit of being overly wordy, and hurting us with how he phrases things, and for a long time we asked him to ONLY respond with emojis, but then we found that older parts preferred a verbal response as well).

The main point is that each of our texts was asking for a similar response of empathy, support, and reassurance of his connection to us as a helper.

First set of statements:

"I am here to help with all the things. It will get better."

Second set of statements:

"If and when you wish to tell me any more about what it's like for you to have those feelings, I am open. Meanwhile, I'm wondering how I can best help and support you with those very difficult feelings. If there is a way, I want to help you."

I would like to know if you have a different reaction to the first set compared with the second set, or if those sets of statements give you an equal feeling of support and connection. They were both through text, so it wasn't as if there were non-verbal cues as well.

I don't want to bias you by telling you my reaction (yet), but I will say that my T and I have a strong difference of opinion about how one might feel about one set of statements vs the other. Thanks in advance to all who reply.

Edited to add that both of his responses included a statement about being truly sorry for the pain we're in, before going on to what I quoted above.

I guess this is very much about the stories in our minds that happen as a response and less about the messages themselves. I would consider them both supportive. For me, the first one sounds like he has been busy. and that perfectly reflects my own story of people always being busy and me interrupting something important for them and here goes my shame problem. I think it leaves more space for fantasy and this is my kind of fantasy. Ts here probably wouldn't make promises like that because they can promise neither.
the second one sounds like something Ts here would say in moments where they take a lot of time to make sure they get it right. open, giving us space, offering help, that is pretty much exactly how work is approached here. more of an invitation into relationship than directly comforting words, know that it does get easier in relationship.
I would consider them both supportive and I am also aware of the whole story in my head situation. I would prefer getting the second one.

My own emotional and rational reactions, stemming from my own personal history, are as follows.

First: I feel it like a generic statement trying to be supportive but in the meantime denying how difficult things are. I would personally prefer it worded: "Things are rough for you. I'll help and support you as much as possible."

Second: I feel it is too many words which shifts the focus from "person having it rough" to "person helping" in a "look at me I am helping I am a good person!" kind of way. I would prefer it worded: "I'll be here when you feel ready to talk more about it. You have all my moral support. If there is something more I can do to help, just ask." Or maybe without the last sentence.

But like Birdsong said, how we react to words of support or affirmation really depends on our personal history and sensitivities. What is helpful for somebody can be hurtful/triggering for somebody else.

For me personally, I tend to take things literally a bit too much. Therefore, I highly value it when Ts use precise wording. So in the first response I wouldn't like the "all the things", because Ts have a role as a T and won't be able to help with everything (e.g., picking out which refrigerator to buy or other daily life problems). Also, they're not always available, so how could they help with all the things?
Also, how could they know if it would *all* get better? Maybe it will, but maybe it won't. I would prefer that worded as: "I have faith/trust that things will get better for you."

I like the second one. Except that I am extremely bad at knowing what exactly I would need (and I highly doubt people *can* support me), so I would prefer the last sentence to be changed to: "We can talk about it next time and explore ways I could support you in this."

So... as mentioned above, it's super personal what is helpful for one person and the next. Just as I can imagine that it differs what is helpful for one alter and the next. Children often need more extreme and simple statements, as their worlds are still more black-and-white (something is good OR bad). I would be scared if my T would write things especially for them, because it gives a T so much power to hurt you. To comfort my littles, I tend to use more actions than words.

Agree that it's less about the message than how we receive it, because both are supportive.

The first one would make me think they are busy. Some parts of me would feel like they are not willing to take time for us, but there is just enough materials in the message for us to reassure them that the psych will take the time next session.

I like the second one better, but I'm pretty sure that's because I have a heavy past with people pushing their help on me and making the situation worse.

My psych use a lot that kind of statement. She knows we have a lot of resources, and we're really independent. For us, the second statement shows respect to our need for independence. She doesn't assume our needs, she doesn't push, she's just letting us know she's there for the moment we will know what we want from her. If we don't know but feel the need for her help, we can work with her to find something.

One important thing I've noticed : when we don't know what she could do to help, it's because we're handling things by ourselves just fine. It can be hard, but we're doing it. Working with her to find how she can help often leads to us being reassured about our ability to handle the situation, because we're doing everything right and we "just" need to feel supported. That's all.

And more and more often, we don't want her help. We know we're handling things fine, knowing she's there if we need to express our emotions is already enough, and time is the only thing that will really help.

I'm going to add my observations and thoughts on this.

When I read those statements my immediate thought was 'script'. It's sometimes easy to forget that even neurotpyical people often rely upon scripts to get through social interactions. It might not be helpful that it isn't worded better or seems generic, but I know that a lot of my therapists have used such wording to indicate that they will be there to help, and I've tried to keep in mind that they are operating on a script as well.

Wow. Thank you to all who responded so far. This is really interesting. Now I'm feeling like I pulled those statements too much out of context, because they were each part of a longer response.

Of the first set, before those statements was: "I am so sorry that there was a lot of hurt and unhappiness over what we talked about yesterday. My heart breaks for all the pain the hurt and all the things that happened to you." and THEN he says, "I'm here to help you with all the things. It will get better." So he's directly referring to dealing with painful things from the past--not all the things in my life. Sorry about that.

These were the statements that really felt reassuring, supportive, and connected to us. Like he was stepping up to be there for whatever pain we would experience from talking about difficult things.

In the second one, he starts with "I am truly sorry that you are feeling that unbearable pain." and then there are 5 other sentences that reflect on what we said (in a very wordy way) before he says, "If and when you wish to tell me any more...[etc]"

The second set of statements felt very distant and unsupportive to us. Phrases like "I'm wondering how I can best help," and "If there's a way," feel much less present and direct to us than things like "I'm here to help." We think, "if there's a way" feels like he thinks there might not be, and "I'm wondering" feels like he doesn't know how to help us and doesn't realize that just being there is what helps.

Both sets are followed by sequences of emojis that mean "I'm sorry," and "I'm here." By asking for words, we just wanted the verbal equivalent of emojis, for the parts that look at the face with the two eyes streaming and want to know that he means he's sorry and hurting for us.

@fireheart--we want these responses to be directly to the littles (although older parts are aware of them and receiving the message as well). The emojis are for the much younger ones, and the words seem to be more for middles.

We send those texts as one of our coping skills, I guess. It helps us feel better to pour out those feelings in words, and when we eventually get a response from him (could be right away or could be the next morning), we want something that indicates that he read it--some reference to the content, and then the equivalent of a hug, and "I'm still here," and "I will help you," and "it will be ok." Soothing and comfort.

Not questions, or invitations to explore our pain further, or the extra cognitive distance of someone "wondering" how to help us.

Because of our past trauma, we're very triggered by "therapizing" kinds of statements or questions. "How does that make you feel?" "Do you think that could be related to your past experiences?" "Would you like to tell me more about that feeling?" The carefully neutral tone. It makes us shudder to think of it.

In contrast, we spoke with a somatic experiencing T on the phone yesterday, and she was very present, taking in what we were saying, murmuring little phrases that let us know she was tracking, saying "I get you," and "you don't have to over explain, I'm following what you're saying."

We were crying with relief, because it's just torture to try to talk to our regular T. He's either completely silent and just looking at us while we talk so we have no idea if he's taking it in, and have to stop what we're saying to ask him, or he'll nod vigorously or smile at us in a way that feels unrelated to the tone or meaning of what we're saying right then, so we have to stop what we're saying to ask him why he's smiling or nodding, and both of those scenarios interrupt our train of thought.

We can sit silently and feel good about being connected to him, and not talk about things. That works, but then internal pressure builds up because we WANT to be able to talk to him about things. We're able to tell him about our daily activities, but as soon as we go beyond that, and try to explain something to do with feelings or something we're understanding about ourselves, the way he responds causes the connection to break down and we feel misunderstood.

And that's when things are going well. When they're not going well, like our session on Friday--if the process is frustrating--he tries to reconnect by using more words. But as soon as his tone or manner appears frustrated, or it becomes important to him to make a point regardless of how we're feeling right then, we need to resort to putting our fingers in our ears to block out what he's saying.

It becomes our only way of regulating and keeping out further upsetting stimuli. He would keep talking for awhile when we did that, and we would keep saying that we had our fingers in our ears (because we're also partly hiding behind a pillow). Then he would stop talking, so we would eventually peek out and take our fingers out of our ears and he would wave to us.

But if he can't connect with us verbally, he seems at a loss. I mean, he'll use the gesture that reminds us that there's an invisible string from his heart to ours, or he'll make a hugging gesture, but that's not really enough to help us calm down and re-regulate. Especially if he's going to go right back to trying to "discuss" what's happening. This was on zoom, so we didn't have the option of just being quiet and being in the same room with him, and holding his hand to feel connected.

Anyway, sorry--I kind of went off in a different direction there. But it's part of why we need text responses to be simple and direct.

And the current plan is to find a good somatic experiencing T to work with, and take a break from seeing the regular T for now. He's still available as a support by text, and we have a tentative plan to meet a week from Friday, just because we didn't want to end a session without at least the idea of anther appointment. The littles are very relieved that he said he wasn't ending the relationship and that he's still there for us. His support and consistent caring has been really helpful for us--in spite of the fact that he doesn't really understand or "get" us at all. He keeps trying, cares, and likes us, so it shows that those things are possible even if he can't understand us on a deep level.

I am so sorry. it just sounds painful and frustrating.
Something that came to my mind... maybe rephrasing the wish could help his male brain. The first message is more actively soothing while the second is offering support. but the younger ones might really just need soothing words and have no clue how to make use of support. excpet when it comes in the form of soothing. because that is literally how kids experience it. the promise of walking them through something is going to be meaningless for them. that is more of an adult need. I wonder if claryfing that could help to get more helpful responses.
I am really excited about you trying SE. the Ts are usually trained to connect well. its still a bit of a struggle because connection can feel so scary, but at least they know how to pay attention to it, or they should. I really hope that you can make some more helpful experiences soon. it always sounds like so much hurt and struggle. wishing you the best

We're waiting to hear back from a couple of somatic experiencing practitioners. The one I spoke with on the weekend ended up deciding that her practice was too full right now to take me on. She was very nice about it and gave me lots of guidance about what to look for. She thinks that we need a somatically oriented talk therapist rather than someone who primarily does bodywork, and also that they need to have some clinical experience with DID. She explained it in a way that helped me understand why we had difficulty with the bodywork therapist we saw last year, who opened up attachment needs of the littles much too quickly without establishing safety first.

@birdsong--your suggestion about asking for soothing rather than the general idea of "support" is a good one. That is exactly what we're asking for. We've told him that we need him to be the equivalent of chicken soup and a weighted blanket, and he liked that, but it didn't seem to stick with him. He gets it for a little while, and then returns to his idea of what he should be doing to help us.

He said that when we texted about all the painful feelings that were coming up, he wanted to be careful to be "sensitive" and "not pushy" and to make sure he was letting us take the lead in what we needed from him. That's why he used those phrases about wondering how he could help, and wanting to hear more "if and when" we wanted to tell him.

That all sounds good, but it's not at all what we've told him about what we need from him. We have said over and over that we need him to be IN the feelings with us--right there being sorry and wanting to help. So you're right that we're asking for soothing, and it feels like he's constantly overthinking things and inadvertently hurting us with his responses. To the littles it felt as extreme as asking for a hug and being slapped. That's not something that ever actually happened to us--our trauma wasn't like that at all, so it was weird that we kept getting that impression from the littles, and we even hesitated to tell him about it. Of course he said that if he had known it would feel like a slap, he wouldn't have said it that way, but he still didn't really get why we were reacting so differently to the different types of statements. Maybe putting it in terms of the idea of "soothing" would help him.