How much do you know about why you split?

Possible trigger warning for talk of childhood abuse
Hey other systems , I have some questions for you - so I’m a little bit confused because even though I know a lot of the facts of what happened to us and what my “job” was during the abuse I realized I don’t actually have any visual memories of the trauma I’d been through. Maybe another alter got them? It kind of reminds me when we read the book “got parts” and the first exercize talked about making your alters write down what made them split up before they get to go in the safe space and it bothering us because we’re supposed to all know why we split? Napstablook another alter in the system doesn’t have any idea of when he split off , not even enough to know if it was before or after the character from undertale he shares a name with was created. Do your alters all know when and why they split? Do you remember all the trauma you feel like you were around for or are you missing certain aspects of it?-loki

This is the host speaking. According to the parallels in the inner world, one problem happened when I was sexually abused at age six (1975), and two events (the airline my mom worked for went bankrupt, and my uncle left his family) when I was thirteen (1982).

I remember the abuse, but I don't have any emotions associated with it.

Of the current parts, all but 1 (H) know for sure why they split (we think we know why, but aren't 100% sure). There is one who fully integrated with D, and we know why she split and why she integrated. Everyone except H has specific memories of their split and has shared the basics with me and each other. There are some memories D and V hold that they keep locked in boxes. So while i know WHY they split, and have the menory of the splits, I don't have full memories of everything.

I do not know 100% of every situation that caused the development of each alter. I would guess that some developed more over time too from repeat/similar situations, not necessarily just one event happening where one just came about, though I'm sure that happened too.

Also, it wasn't just traumas that caused them to develop. It was also difficult emotions, possibly certain thoughts/perceptions, etc. and other things like that that couldn't be properly processed/integrated.

As for the beginning of how it started, I can only guess based on what I was told of those early few years. I feel like it wasn't anything horribly traumatic though. The worst trauma started at age 5 with more happening from then to around age 10. I probably wouldn't have developed DID and maybe would have fully integrated whichever parts existed prior to age 5 if the other traumas didn't happen later, also if I would have had healthy parents and support.

My understanding is that the earliest alters arise from self-states that never integrated to form a unified identity. So they never "split" from anything. I don't know as much about alters that arise from later traumas, but I think that's also a failure to integrate the traumatic experience, so it stays separate and since the brain is used to having separate consciousnesses, a new one forms as a result of that new experience.

I always have a hard time with the use of the term "split." It doesn't feel like it applies to us at all. We recall different ways of looking at the world from very early on, and when we look back at our childhood, we can see different times that different ones of us took over for periods of time. But there is someone we have from a trauma at age 19. I guess you could say that she appeared at that time, but she didn't "split." It's more like she was born from that experience--she arose from it and became a person. I guess that would apply to a trauma that happened at age 10, also, now that I think of it.

But we've never had anything that felt like a "split." We find the word and concept very off-putting. But that's just us--I know it's a commonly used term.

I don't have memory of the first 7 years of life (roughly) but one little is 6 years old!

We think the part previously described as 'Bobby' was the first 'self' in the body as they are the most autistic and had the least awareness of the world for the longest time.They also preferred to be non-verbal and lived entirely in a world of purely sensory stimulation (like living in a sensory room!) and hate any kind of physical contact. We believe that is due to medical issues that we often had to be 'pinned down' for doctors to take blood etc and also experienced seizures that probably caused dissociation, then was put on Phenobarbitone (?sp) from a young age which is no longer given to babies/toddlers cos of effects on the developing brain.

We think 'Little Susie' was the first 'split' if that's the right word, she has more awareness, seems almost programmed to be 'mummy's good little girl' always on her best behaviour and did speak but would only whisper shyly. She appears to have been the first 'social front alter' to cope with school and increasing demands to fit in and 'act normally' so we didn't get shipped off to a special school!

From our experience, there are different ways of forming alters :

- Splitting/sudden stop in the integration process, when the trauma is so brutal for the child that the brain dissociate heavily and immediately separate everything related to the traumatic event.
- Chronic lack of integration, when the stress, anxiety and dissociation are "weaker" but recurrent ; the parts will start having few differences, maybe just different ways of remembering things, or different ways of reacting to something, then become slowly more and more separate. The speed of the process depends on a lot of things and can be different for different alters.

It means you can totally not know about why you "split", because it was slow and not a single event. Another reason can be because you don't have access to all the memory.

It took us years to know why some of us came to be. We had multiple traumatic events, but only one hard enough to lead to an immediate split. All the other events were tangled with the daily life of the family, which meant we had to always be vigilant somehow, and the lack of integration didn't lead to clear-cut split at the beginning. Most us started as fragment, before gaining more and more abilities.

I know for myself that I "split" depending on the needs to face situations.

I have parts who contain survival responses (more or less specific; they are piled up together in a big chaotic animalistic mess of disorganzed fragmented survival responses).

I have parts (fragments) who contain crumbs of memories. As an example, school was so stressful that each new day or your was recorded separately from the rest, in a big mess of dizorganized childhood photographs. They could not integrate as a whole coherent chronological memory so they just piled up in fragments.

I had (she dissolved) a part containing everything related to the trauma of having to perform my assigned gender at birth. Meaning that I kinda "split" all of this to file it inside of her.

And so on.

I don't really like the metaphor of "splitting" because, as Dwelt said, it's a lack of integration. Something cannot be integrated into another part of the mind, so it starts a new pile of stuff by itself. It's not exactly "splitting" it's more like "not being able to integrate". It DOES feel like splitting when it's one huge major event. But it's not exactly what is happening neurobiologically-wise.

I'd rather use "splitting" to describe what happens when a fusion splits, or when a part gets fragmented into sub-parts because it cannot maintain its level of integration/cohesion. This I had in the past. I still feel it on the everyday basis: some days I manage to keep myself into a cohesive unit, and some days the stress is too high and I get "undone". It feels a bit like being a clothe with weak seams that sometimes get loose and sometimes hold.

I really appreciate this question. I'm the host in a system of nine and have been diagnosed for about two years. I generally know the main reasons behind the creation of seven of my alters, but I don't really know about the trauma and reasons behind my youngest alter. I personally don't know what happened but the emotions are mega big and scary. Due to certain triggers, I suspect a location but that's about all I know. I think my little alter was too young to even fully conceptualize what happened, so I don't know if I'll ever know.

My therapist tells me that it is definitely not necessary for me to process/remember that memory if I don't want to. But also, the remembrance of that memory may happen naturally over time. I have some protector alters that definitely know more than I do about it, but they're hellbent on keeping it away from me.

I'm the type of person who needs to know everything about everything, so there was a time where I was obsessed with finding out. Now, I'm at peace with understanding that I may never know. To be honest, I'm not even sure I want to anymore. The triggers regarding that alter have been a bit rough lately, so I think if I do wind up knowing, I'd prefer to take this $#%^ just small doses at a time.

Hi Ashe(Host) [co-con Raven] (not diagnosed and struggling with believing and such)

Raven saw your question and was interested, so we will try to answer. As the host I am not aware of most of the splits or why.

Raven knows where she came from and why. [Raven (caretaker alter): Previous host had a traumatic series of events that caused her to struggle with things at the age of 13-15. I was created to help her cope/self soothe.]

Ashe: I went through most of my life thinking I was the only one, only to wake up to possibly having DID. When I came to terms with it and I was aware I wasn't alone in my head, things started clicking. I still struggle from day to day, but I came to the realization that I have not existed as long as the body has. I have no memories that feel like mine prior to 18 because our previous host couldn't do it anymore. So I came to be. I don't know who or if I split off a specific alter, but Yuka (an inner caretaker) tells me I was needed so we could learn to work and make money. (they needed a host) I actually struggle with knowing what happened specifically in my childhood and feel weird sometimes saying I had trauma when I don't remember and my parents act like there was nothing bad enough in my childhood to cause any kind of mental illness let alone DID, but I am assured by Yuka and Raven that there are reasons we are the way we are. (No, my parents weren't abusive)

If I were to ask Yuka (and he want to answer) he could tell you more because he has access to more of our memories, but he doesn't talk about things he doesn't want me to read.

From my understanding of dissociative amnesia, it's all part of it. Your brain won't want you to remember most of the splits because you may not be able to handle the traumatic circumstances in which it occurred, but sometimes I remember things from childhood that other alters went through so IDK.