Irrational Fear?

Ashe/Raven mix:

Ashe (our host) is having trouble deciding what to do. Part of her believes we have DID fully, and she wants to read the books that are being suggested to her. She wants to help us grow and flourish in life. The other part of her is stuck with this fear that if she doesn't have DID, if WE do not have DID and she reads the books, she'll imagine symptoms that are not there. There is also a fear in her that if she reads and knows too much about DID that a therapist will think she is faking or it will make a legitimate diagnosis (if we can ever actually afford therapy) harder to get.

She knows this is irrational, but we have not been believed in the past for things that were going on in our mind. Part of our hosts survival skills is that she mirrors the people she is around. I have told her that there would be no one to mirror when we are alone, but she does not always listen. I am trying to offer her comfort, but I am not sure how to comfort her in this circumstance as I know we have other alters, and I know it is hard for her. She's read a little online and seen some youtube videos, but for some reason a book makes it more... not necessarily real, but more serious maybe?
Self Doubt is something Ashe struggles with.

(Side Note: How is everyone today?)

If this can be comforting for you: when you IMAGINE SYMPTOMS you know that you are making them up. What can happen however is to read symptoms of something and not have the knowledge to make a differential diagnosis, therefore being mistaken about your condition. This does NOT mean you "make things up" just that you lack the knowledge of reading the subtle signs to differenciate between this and that.

What WILL happen when reading about DID or dissociation as a whole is that you will learn about dissociation. You will learn coping strategies that can be applied not only to dissociation but to many things as well. As an example, "Coping with trauma related dissociation" teaches about how to get organized in life, how to seek help, how to self-regulate strong emotions, etc. One does not need to be dissociated to benefit from it, in my humble opinion.

"Healing the fragmented selves..." also gives tips and hints on how to deal with inner conflicts, that can be useful for anyone, dissociated or not. It teaches self-compassion too, and anyone can benefit from it.

And so on.

Most of the content of said books are composed of "how does dissociation work and why it leads to this and that symptom" and of "how to manage life when things get rough inside (thoughts, emotions)".

Meaning that what you "risk" doing by reading them is, learn about some not-so-well-known aspects of human psychology and neurology, as well as learn how to ease up your life's difficulties and manage symptoms. If you have any doubt regarding if your own symptoms come from dissociation or not, you can check online the other symptom management methods for them and see if the advices given depend on what exact diagnosis you have, or if the coping strategies are the same no matter the diagnosis. So you can be on the safe side here. And just like it is reminded in "Coping...", there are many techniques for the same issue, and if one does not help you or make you feel worse, stop right away and try another one untill you find what fits.
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Morwan.

The other part of her is stuck with this fear that if she doesn't have DID, if WE do not have DID and she reads the books, she'll imagine symptoms that are not there.

The only thing that can happen is you might alter the way symptoms which are already here can look like to the outside world. Unless you do it consciously, you will not create symptoms out of thine air.

For example, some people with borderline personality disorder can think they have DID, because they have some dissociative symptoms + parts of their identity that lack integration. They are wrong about having DID, but they aren't wrong about needing help with integration and dissociation!

This is something a bit common with disorders that have some dissociative symptoms and integration issues. A good professional is supposed to be able to make the difference and, not matter what the conclusion is, will not accuse you of faking your symptoms. The explanation might be wrong, but unless you're faking it on purpose, symptoms are always real.

There is also a fear in her that if she reads and knows too much about DID that a therapist will think she is faking or it will make a legitimate diagnosis (if we can ever actually afford therapy) harder to get.

From my experience, if a T thinks you're faking just because you know stuff, and does not try to understand how you work first, you need to run away from them.

There are a lot of reasons why someone could know things about dissociation. Me, for example, I'm a psych student and I want to work in the area of trauma and dissociation. I have to know things about it. Other people could have already been in therapy before, could know someone with DID, etc.

I don't hide my knowledge from my T. I told her right from the beginning I had to do a lot of work alone, and I was searching for a T to help me with the parts I couldn't do on my own. She is 100% okay with that. It happens that we spend some time talking about theory, how it fits (or doesn't) with my system, etc. it's really interesting for both of us.

About diagnosis, I'm working with her since 2020, and she has 0 doubt I have DID. She has recently completed a new training for a diagnosis tool, and I'm currently her first "test subject", so she can practice it on a real patient who is stable enough to see for which questions she needs more insight. So I can tell you that nope, with a good T, having knowledge will not affect your access to a diagnosis. Diagnosis tools are made in a way that, if used by a well-trained T, knowledge isn't supposed to affect the results (unless you're really, really motivated to fake and put a lot of efforts into it, but there are other ways to detect people who are faking on purpose - and you, you aren't doing that).

Ashe here

Thank you guys. I'll have to try to find some of the books then. I'm dissociating really bad today. Having trouble focusing and doing anything >.<.

We were misdiagnosed as a teenager as Bipolor because I made the mistake of saying sometimes I had good days and sometimes they were bad. I had just gone through a traumatic event, and didn't have the words for what I was feeling. She did some other questionable things including damaging our relationship with our parents, but she was the only 'free' therapist available in our area. We have a hard time trusting others. I can't even trust myself.

It helps to know that the books will be useful even if I am somehow wrong.

When it comes to talking to a professional about your experiences/symptoms, I always find it useful if they actually want to work with you, not just tell you what they think, what to do, etc. They are there to guide you, that is it. A diagnosis can be useful though so you get the right treatment. There are also similar and overlapping things, so it can get confusing.

When I talked about my experiences/symptoms many years ago, I didn't have the access to information like people do now. I did know DID existed but didn't think I had it and didn't know there was a spectrum of it. My awareness of alters was always there but would disappear at times, so I thought I was making things up or psychotic because I heard them inside, could tell who was who (over time), and could see some of them inside as well as had them taking over in different ways.

Once I finally was able to verbalize things to a professional, all I said was that I had other people living in my head. If I would have known more terms, I wouldn't have chosen to use them just because I feel like it is important to explain in my own words how things are, not using terms like host, alters, co consciousness, fronting, etc. That also might help in having a professional take you more serious if that is a concern.

It is the same as medical doctors in a way where you don't go to them and tell them what you have (unless you do have a diagnosed condition you are seeing them for treatment for) or use terms you learned on Google. You explain things in your words, but you can say what you are thinking it could be or what you would like to be tested for (within reason). A good one will be open minded.

Ty Purple! (Ashe Here)

I've started reading a book, and I'm hoping it helps. We read the first chapter of Coping With Trauma-related dissociation, but I have no memory of it. So I'm going to have to reread it again. Apparently I switched out. The page pdf is open to page 27. Lol. Someone did the reading. I'm going to guess it was either Chaos or Raven. It's raining today, so I'm having trouble contacting the others. Our system has a fear of thunderstorms.

System comfort first.

Do not hesitate to leaf through it and jump to the chapters most relevent to you right now. It's not a story. You can start at any chapter you want.
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Morwan.

TY Morwan.

I will do what I can. Our previous host liked to read, but I find it difficult for some reason. >.< I'm going to do what I can.