A New Start (the way forwards)

Yes I think our Thea evolved to be more than just a social mask for class (as past daily hosts had been) because we were at the time in a residential setting such as deaf college and university where we also lived in halls/flats wioth other students so therefore they could never completely switch off because another student could come into the room at any time.

Maddie we think developed more than host for medical appointments due to the beginning of social media (for us anyway) and a persistent social worker who was making sure we were not socially isolated after moving out of the autism unit and keeping in touch with past friends (via FB in its early days) .....

This was hard for us as previously each host had their own area and there was no crossover...ie ones that fronted at home visiting family never attended classes ..and family (of course) never came to classes to see that we were a 'completely different person' in that situation..plus the locations were several miles from home ..we would switch on the train on the way home or the way back to college/uni...we just never realised it!

But suddenly there were people in our life who had originally met Thea, (who identified as a deaf sign language user who didnt speak) seen 'Kit' at the unit (who did speak as no-one else there knew sign) and then 'Maddie' (who had become our 'wheelchair user') ...

I guess we didn't know who to be, who they were expecting??? I guess eventually we realised it was most logical that the last alter had to be the daily host and be both deaf and a wheelchair user. and Thea and Maddie would just blend for people where both were needed. Kit (autistic side) got supressed once again because Maddie was being expected to be sociable and 'recovered' I guess.

Kit didn't go away completely..Maddie did not know of Kit's existence and Kit would switch out with her whenever it was just her and the dog..probably why most of Kit's memories are of the (first) dog's life when no-one else was about. We believe it was Kit who got us this more remote location so less people to deal with and more chances for her to come out with no people about.

Our system seems to prefer if some remain seperate incase of emergencies and some it is their specific job to deal with stuff like offical appointments. I don't think we will ever fully fuse down to 1 individual. There would be a minimum of 3 at the very least due to the way the system works.

We've managed 3x 30 mins physio sessions this week (Mon, Wed, and this morning) for the first time in ages!! Our energy levels seem to be recovering. We also didn't go back to bed at 3pm yesterday to take a mid day rest for the first time in what feels like years!

The Tinnitus seems variable on the 'good side' we're still not sure what triggers it sometimes its loud and we need hearing aids in both sides to mask it, but then like last night I forgot I didn't have an aid in that side as it was barely noticeable and realised we'd spent most of evening with only the HA in the 'very deaf side'

I think neck pain does make that side worse though, it was definitely screeching when we had pain down the muscle that runs from just under the ear down the side of the neck and it had gone yesterday.

Physio wise... we've noticed on the wii fit ..because theres a 'centre of gravity test' where you stand on the wii board and it shows if you are using more one side of body than the other.. that ours was really far over onto the good side..suggesting we are kinda using the good side to carry the weak side...which may be why our walking hasn't progressed more than a few steps holding onto things (walls, walking aids etc) as if we're trying to walk a tightrope! Even now sat on sofa typing this ...I realise I am sat facing sideways leaning against the back of the sofa with the 'good side' taking the weight.

I guess we didn't realise as we can use both hands for typing and when using game controllers though again I just notice my weak arm is resting on my leg or sometimes a cushion. We will turn our focus to working on that side more and trying to get our centre of gravity down the middle line (on the game).

Kit suggests its because when Yuna was first fronting and couldn't feel the weaker side properly for a while her mind was telling her it was because Juno was 'working that side' and started to ignore it. Kit insists she can work both sides equally when she has been out doing kettlebell exercises...she says it because when Yuna is more dominant she believes Juno/Kate is working the other side as if they were conjoined twins...none of the others work like this when they front.

Jay

Glad to hear that things are coming along and that they're getting a bit better.

Violette

Bobby has joined the front team to ensure that we place equal emphasis on using both sides of the body...only when we are home alone or taking the dog out when no-one else is about.

Yuna and Kate still take the front for when we visit family or have official appoitments (which isn't very often these days now we've got most of the medical stuff out of the way).

There are more memories coming through as different fragments/parts re-integrate with the front but none of these were what we would call 'full alters' they just seemed to have fronted for that/those particular memories in an earlier part of our life.

Kit has disappeared but is not integrated. Inca always seems to know where she is so when Inca comes nearer the front we find we know where Kit is or what she's doing. Inca tends to blend with Bobby and they come to play on Skyrim. Bobby's started another save file to let Inca create a story on there as a Khajit (big cat/panther type) warrior character. Bobby hosts our body but it seems Inca likes to see herself on the screen as this character and is currently internally also appearing the same visually!

It's interesting to see that Bobby is starting to come out more to use video games as their 'escape' rather than the inner world/holodecks....so they're kind of partly grounded ...as the Skyrim world is on a real world device and Bobby is actively using the body to control events within the game as they do when doing the physio games. We have noticed an improvement with mapping, spatial awareness and memory as well as physical improvements from more traditional style exercise games.

Only when Yuna/Juno are dominant at the front do we seem to revert back to an earlier level of disability, its almost like it was with Maddie but Maddie was totally un-aware of the system....Yuna/Juno both know..they both KNOW others can do things physically that they can't when they front funtioning as twins but still they CHOSE to function this way when they front.

The rest of us are more than a little perplexed by this and it threatens to break down the integration as it is holding back recovery and progress the more they front.

Jay

Hi

so its me back (previously unblended Jay) this morning at the front..

Things changed yesterday afternoon Yuna was fronting with Little Susie to watch Peter Rabbit Movie.. Kate had gone inside to spend time with Kenny and lil P.. LS wanted to colour a Peter Rabbit as they were watching the fim but Yuna insited she could not use that arm because Kate wasn't present....LS took over the body (fully) so she could get up and get her colouring book and pencils and colour.

This triggered Bobby to the front who let her finish watching the movie then took over as it was past LS bedtime by then but apparently reported this to Kit.

I wake up this morning at the front (no longer integrated within Yuna) with memory of a dream where Kit is telling Kate if she really was our mums spirit she would want to help us and letting Yuna continue to believe she can only work half the body is not helping!

Once I'd properly awoken, let Mr Woof out for wee's and put his breakfast down, I felt Kit telling me to get dressed we were going to try these Yoga exercises that they (Yuna/Kate) had been doing to see what our results were..we also had Bobby join us. I have to say they seemed so much easier to do with both Kit & Bobby blended with me too!

For now Yuna is not allowed to take control of the body.....Kit wants us to work on physical ability all over winter...in everything like even choppping veg . picking stuff up making sure to use other side too...while she figures how what to do with Yuna...who seems to be 'stuck' like maddie got stuck ...at a particular earlier point after a medical episode...and not seeming to relaise the body has moved past that point as others can use both sides when they take the front!

We have to record everything this time....take turns to do the same thing out front but record what we do how easy we felt it was etc so we have like a comparison chart...I think its so Kit can work out which may be somatoform symptoms (affecting one alter only), which may improve with more physio or which symptoms may be permanent disability left from the stroke.

We're not expecting to see bro until xmas day now and have no other appointments so we can really focus on this.

It's nice to back at the front!

Jay

WORKOUT RESULTS

Due to Yuna's difficulties we have been trying different exercises individually and together... using what we already had..

3kg and 6Kg Kettlebells

Kit. - lift both...weaker side required more effort but still able to do 10 of each. (Bobby and Jay had same results individually too)
me, Jay and Bobby blended - same results ... felt a little easier to life on weaker side at time of exercising...though still had same amount of post exercise ache/pain on that side.


Wii body test (balance/co-ordination/centre of gravity test)

We were all pretty similar ..slightly off centre but doing the game to realign ...all managed to get it on the centre line for at least 5 seconds.

Exertion test (strength/balance) - leaning to each side to exert enough strength to get marker within a coloured area...

The game has 5 levels within a set time - we (3) all made it to level 4 but either didnt have time to do level 5 due to time it took to 'line it up' on previous tests or was unable to complete the last one because the shaded area is really narrow and couldnt get it within the area. ..

we all needed to put a walking frame around the wii board to hold onto during the test to help 'keep our balance' whilst doing it.


From past results we know that even with Kate in the body with Yuna ..they struggled lifting the 6kg weight at all but did the 3kg and only reached level 3 on the 'leaning balance test'

Kate in the body alone achieved the same results but working both sides of the body and was still able to complete the yoga routine they have set up.

Yuna will not do the exercise tests without Kate but they have played wii tennis together using each hand for their own character at the same time!!! ...so played with 2 'racquets' (accessories) simultaneously. (play seated on the sofa)

in general movement around the house we have noticed Yuna will not work 'Kate's side' if Kate didn't blend wiith her. eg if Kate left to rest (inside) while Yuna was watching a movie in bed and Yuna needed the bathroom... when she got up she would move as if only one side of the body worked unless Kate returned to the front. Nobody else does this!

'Little Susie' automatically controls both sides of the body if she takes the front to play on switch..LS's movements are more child-like and we havent expected her to lift weights ..however she has played 'games' section of wii fit (which she really enjoys) and generally does not do bad, manages to complete them and get a decent score ..despite believing she is only 6 when she fronts!

Only those of us who have regularly fronted and experienced 'controlling the body' since the stroke event were included in the physical tests.. we have not included changelings that always remain inside and have never fronted and therefore have no experience of being 'in the body' at the front at all.


Kit

We believe Teen S (who was the one who originally was trapped up front when the stroke happened) is seperate to the part (within the Yuna mix) that is somehow strongly influencing her with 'passive influence'.

Whoever it (the part) is is not strong enough to continue the influence when Kate joins with TS, because they can then move the same as the rest of us..(though they seem to feel fatigue quicker and more severely).

We are not sure how to seperate the part from the 'Yuna mix'..though its possible TS may be able to seperate herself from the fragments (who seemed to only supply additional life memories) as she is a more evolved alter (than those parts).

Bobby has the most ability to visualise with an exceptional level of detail, we are considering whether to allow B to take the front to meditate and summon TS to the front seperate from the rest of the fragments that make up 'Yuna'.

Kit suggested setting up a camera to record so we can see the moment of the switches to watch back later (incase its very fleeting and TS goes straight back inside on finding herself at the front alone). Her theory being if we seat ourself supported on sofa in Buddha crosslegged position with hands postioned upside down (thumb touching middle finger) just above knees - not supported by knees.

if TS comes out alone and automatically moves both hands (wondering why she's found herself at the front sat in that position) then she's not the one who believes she can only control one side... otherwise the weaker side would auto drop down by her side..Kit will be inside en route to make sure she returns to different location (where Kate will be waiting for her to explain) and not straight back to the other 'yuna parts'. (who Inca will be guarding)...we'll then know one of the parts which integrated with her is responsible ...but then that will be whole another issue as it's an whole bunch of several smaller fragments/parts that maybe difficult to successfully seperate from each other. ..but we'd at least have some kind of idea where the issue was coming from.

Jay

It is done... TS has integrated within Bobby... Kate see's them both as one and tells us it was successful. Bobby hasn't changed their name yet... I (current me-Jay) and Kit still remain seperate.

Bobby is not influenced by TS to walk or use the body in a different way to the ability that we have so far regained..it seems the part who was influencing is still within the old internal body of TS.

We still believe that part was originally a part 'from 'Maddie' but have not yet worked out how to seperate them from the other fragments. Her influence is strong over the smaller fragments, the remaining inner body still functions even inside as if only half the body works.

Until we understand how this is possible or how to seperate this part from the others they are 'locked inside'. They have freedom of the inner world and are being taken care of, but cannot front...we hope with no physical restrictions within the inner world they will relearn to use the inner body fully ..if not they will remain restricted ...unless there is a 'future stroke episode' that results in permanent damage of the outer body which then matches their 'perceived level of ability' and the system deciding it is then more appropriate for them to be at the front.

Jay

BECOMING 'LEVI'

We have decided on the new/future 'Integrated me' name...it will be 'Levi' (on here). ..it means joined, united, joined in harmony ...that kind of thing... it is becoming a gender-neutral name (more in some countries than others maybe?) which is important to Bobby...and for TS ...Levi jeans were her first 'proper shop bought jeans' she got with her first wage from her first saturday job! ..the name seems 'fitting'.

We have decided to start using it now and to 'grow into it' together. it maybe easier than trying to wait until we feel we have reached the point we have become a different person/new alter especially if no-one can agree whether that has/had happened yet or not!

Kit & Kate will be remaining seperate but will occasionally co-host to help - cooking, housework, orgnaising, for specific appointments or just for fun (all want to go to nature park together etc). Right now they are busy on the inside working together to try and help the Thea/Maddie parts stuck together on the inside and not able to function properly.

LS may continue to occasionally visit if she wants to. She has told us she wants to stay around 6-8 years old with 'her family' inside but has said she'd still like to say hello to her 'littles friends' on here. It will mainly be weekends so she's not continually interrupting the integration process for the rest of us working on it during the week.

I'm going to sign off one last time as just Jay ... but for future posts we wll be working collectively towards becoming Levi

Jay

Tons of support and cheers for the work ahead!