A New Start (the way forwards)

I've got a wii consol in a drawer somewhere. I think it's the original one

One thing we had not anticipated with these new hearing aids was how emotional music would make us feel after all these years!!

We are listening to old songs with new understanding... via the magic of the internet we can access all the words for a song instantly and understand what the song is about....songs that had previously played constantly because a younger self loved the repitition of the chorus or whatever. we now see the meaning of the words.

We now understand why the 'insiders' did not believe they were deaf whilst the host (Thea at the time) did. Bobby was the only one who knew how to 'sneak out' undetected back then ,but because their understanding was very literal ..ie deaf means you can't hear so therefore if we could hear any sound without hearing aids we were not deaf,..therefore the host must be pretending as if they were in an holodeck program.....this belief had been relayed to the other insiders.

Bobby was ok with this however because they had always had hypersensitive hearing to the point of unpredictable sounds being painful and even triggering rage ...they learnt if they turned the hearing aids off but kept them in they could block/muffle more sounds when out in public and cope with being out in places that had previously been impossible for them. ...they could also enjoy 'predictable sound' via the 'loop' setting.

eg when you go in a bank or anywhere with a glass partition there is a often a sticker with an ear on and T ...meaning hearing aid users to put them on that setting to hear the voice from the other side of the glass ???? ..well you could also buy what was called a music loop you wore it round your neck..plugged one end into your walkman ..put HA on T setting and it cut out all background noise so you could only hear what was coming from the walkman... Classrooms in deaf schools/colleges used a similar technology so students could focus on teachers voice and cut out traffic going past etc if windows were open.

There is still a T setting on our hearing aids but because they also have bluetooth now and so do modern smartphones/music devices it isn't used as often... Music loops tend to be only found at specialist places (selling hearing aids and accessories) unless you get lucky and find one on ebay going cheap.

Anyway now we are finding (for some of us) our taste in music is changing as we search for songs that are about things we feel are relevant to us now rather than how repititive the tune is! Modern songs have changed though they don't seem to tell a story like they used to...don't have as many verses or words in them...maybe we just don't where to look for them having missed so many years of music!

Jay

That sounds great! I can only imagine how... magical it must feel like to suddenly be able to hear more. I'm happy for you. ^^

Modern music is a little bit more focused on commercial value. Pop music is repetitive with short and easy to follow words. Often they're about love because that's what most people are drawn to.
There are songs in pop and techno etc that do actually focus on other things. I'm terrible with names but I think someone named Em with "Numb little bug" is a good example of a pop song which isn't about love.

I'm not sure what type of tunes you are enjoying now, but I've always felt Rock/metal is far more about telling stories than other genres. Are you looking to find songs that all of you can enjoy together? I wouldn't recommend heavy metal cause it gets loud and all. Symphonic metal is often more soothing, especially in comparison, and a lot of symphonic metal has soprano voices that are very melodic. Rock can have rougher voices but they don't go as hard as metal does.

Also, since your littles enjoy the Legend of Zelda, I recommend looking up some soundtracks from older games. "Midna's Lament" is beautiful, the Windwaker has a very cheery tune for one of the Sage songs (Wind and Earth god Harmonies I think they are called when combined), and "Zelda's Lullaby" is iconic for the game. Maybe they can find renewed enjoyment out of the series by listening to some of these. There's a lot to listen to out there.

I hope you get to enjoy everything to it's fullest.

~ Grey/Knight

Those were kind words. I enjoyed reading both your posts.

I've been reading back our journal from the beginning! ...jeez we changed back and forth so many times I'm feeling dizzy! ..I guess the mood swings influenced the constant switches and complete changes of mind! ..Yuna doesn't remember writing most of them!

I think the short term memory issues probably affected things too as no sooner would we have made a decision we would have probably forgotten what we decided pretty soon after!

We have had some improvement in short term memory and it going to long term memory quicker for some aspects of more recent life. It's been slow though and I suspect the brain fog from the previously constant tinnitus greatly affected 'brain fog' levels. .. We're hoping to make quicker progress on this front now we have better control over the Tinnitus and catching up on more sleep!

Jay

Just to add after a full week (was last wed when i got the new hearing aids) of reduced tinnitus and better sleep I feel more clarity!

Inca & Kate still feels seperate but the 'versions of me' who were past social hosts now seem to be closer to each other, harder to tell apart and seem more blended within me when I do have to deal with people.

Kit & Bobby still feel very different though they feel the same person as each other..whereas previously it was more like Kit was the grown up version of Bobby, but now Bobby has grown to adult form and now staying there (not age-sliding back down to 10yr old self recently) it is even harder to tell them apart.

I do feel though they represent the 'totally unmasked me' the self at the lowest points of breakdown totally unable to cope with any masking and therefore the ones that tend to be 'more autistic' than the selves that are 'the social mask'.

I understand why they appear adamant they must remain seperate, its my brain deciding we need some 'downtime' to be totally unmasked in private so they must not be integrated with 'social mask alters' otherwise we will never feel we can relax and 'be ourself' not even in our own home in private.

Having Kate as seperate who see's all 'versions of me' as her daughter regardless of who is fronting has helped us to realise which one's are the same person at different ages basically. I think Kate and Inca are actually Tulpa rather than alters , who have somehow been created in the mind, to help 'us' possibly due to the stroke events or the constant brain fog/dissociation from the Tinnitus.

Kit's theory is because we are multiple ,when the brain was rewiring itself it was unable to distinguish which alters were the original 'versions of me' and which had perhaps originally been intended to be fictional characters to visit 'inside' (purely for comfort) and given them all the same status.

So one's that may have originally only intended to be Tulpa's for emotional comfort have become alters who can now switch out with us even though they were not orginally 'versions of me' who had previously existed (because they had split from trauma at some point during our life)

Jay

**TW briefly mentions death of parent and possibility of trauma in autism unit**

The second of November was an anniversary for us. It was exactly 32 years ago since my mum passed from cancer.

I feel on the night of 2 Nov Jay integrated with me (Yuna)..We have decided to keep Jay as our collective name (for this site anyway...we use the legal name in the outside world obviously) Inca & Kate have remained seperate but still voluntarily blend.

I feel 'this me' was the me that was there at the end and went through that but I wasn't the one that went to university, or experienced being in the unit.

'Thea' felt very seperate from me I think I got suppressed by the other personalities and I guess went dormant for years. I remember brief times of coming out when we were back home during the holidays.

Kit refuses to share trauma knowing that will keep her seperate as full integration involves sharing trauma as well as happy memories...but I don't believe she came about until later in life I think she was a split from Bobby after 'social mask' Thea began to fall apart and struggle during last year of university just before the major meltdown (or 'mental breakdown' as the rest of the world saw it).

I believe some stuff happened in the unit that Kit has sworn to protect us from. She has chosen to return inside rather than share that information.

I think she's done this so if any future emergency happens after past social hosts integrated, she would still be able to come out to the front as a seperate identity and take over if needed.

LS is still able to come out independantly and has not integrated with us older ones yet. There are no plans for LS to integrate before the end of this year but we can't be sure what may happen in following years at this stage. Obviously whilst ever she still needs carers 'on the inside' the ones who do that job can't integrate with us at the front either.

For now JAY= Jay+ Yuna integrated. Kate & Inca make up the other 2 to complete the 'External Social Host' but blend on a 'as needed' basis as we don't have many face to face social events/appointments out in 'the real world' these days.

Jay

I call our collective name Western on here because it's my username and irl I just use my name.

Western wrote:I call our collective name Western on here because it's my username and irl I just use my name.

When we first joined it was Kit they used their own name as they did not know of all of us.... the wild hormone swings of our peri menopause triggered many more out who then wanted their own names.

We decided on a system name (The Tri-force) so everyone felt anyone could post but many on here knew us by different names depending on who was fronting so we keep those names.

IRL we all use only the legal name but we rarely go out these last years what with pandemic and illness/disabilities leaving us mostly hosuebound. No one IRL knows of our individual names. I feel we will all re-integrate eventually, the disruption has been helpful though to help us to know all our parts and understand ourselves better.

Jay

When I first met my T he said that to him it looks like I'm more constant of a host type person and I sometimes branch off. I think this is just another way of how a system works. I'm getting to understanding all the different and unique ways for systems.

I think that if I stayed in a lot then maybe more might come but I have to keep more constant because I'm always with other people so I have to stay as stable as possible. When I am alone we do talk to each other quite a lot and the little front as well but when I'm with other people I just host and the littles have to stay inside.