A New Start (the way forwards)

Had one of those 'communication from the system' dreams last night and want to write it down before I completely forget it.

So basically Little Susie really wished we had been closer age wise to our brother to grow up together (milestones together etc there is quite a large age gap so when he was at primary school I was starting secondary etc) Especially now we're developing the realisation he may also be on the spectrum but much milder end.

We believe some of Phoenix's misbehaviour as well as the stroke affecting them has been that they really missed their interaction with the littles when they were littles in the outside world too. so Phoenix volunteered to be reborn as our brother (on the inside) but at a more similar age to Susie (she still wanted to be 'big sister')... so 'lil P' (we'll call him on here) has been created on the inside..he's currently 4 and living in the farmhouse with LS, Sioux, Jody, Farm hand Kenny (another Tulpa Kate created so she had a partner on the inside to visit when she's not helping me with appointments).

We have decided to have a trial with with day/night the opposite way round on the inside (like Australia compared to us) ..so when I'm asleep she can return inside to spend time with Kenny and the others then rejoin me to help when I wake up. SG can also get some time doing what they want while the body is sleeping. I can then visit them via dreams at night without losing time in the day.It also makes switching easier if someone else wants to come out for the day to 'wake up in the body' naturally.

Bobby is still flitting about they age-slide so sometimes they visit the farm to play with the others and are about 10yo and sometimes they are older and disappear into holodeck programs for hours at a time. They don't visit out here much now they've mapped the new Zelda game and recreated it on the inside. came out for Mr Woof's birthday but I expect we won't see them until xmas now and then it depends what (switch) games we get them and whether they are interested in them.

It's just a trial for now to see if it helps things and helps whoever is out for the day able to focus on living in the moment and lower dissociation too during the day.

Jay

We seem to be going through a period of self doubt and self esteem issues that will suddenly come on or go off. I don't know whether its peri related and we'd be experiencing them regardless of where we were in life or whether its related to the imposter syndrome?

But sometimes knowing how vast an inner world we have and the realness of it and our insiders to us we wonder if we do have DID or not? Though even if look up daydreaming or maladapted daydreaming it says its a type of dissociation and identity confusion has been a big issue for us.

I found an article about autism and dissociation the other day that related dissociation in autism to constant masking for years and leading to meltdowns/breakdown. Our major one was after years of trying to be normal as possible to help our brother (who was still n school when our mum died), hold down a job and go to university. That's the one that landed us in the autism unit for 9 months and resulted in Bobby resurfacing. I'm not sure whether Kit was created as a result of that experience or had just been dormant and called out to help Bobby as I had previously only came out for a specific time then returned to stasis with no memory of inbetween times.

Regardless when we're not sure and look up stuff to check everything lead us back to dissociation been the issue ..or one of the biggest issues.. We know we're definitely autistic and we definitely are more than one individual personality so I changed our signature to autistic plural system.

As I (Jay) don't carry any trauma memories though I go through the phases of wondering if I belong here or if our particular experiences are any use to any one else on here or not? The only other creature that makes me feel useful to them (other than our own system members) is our dog Mr Woof, I don't really feel I add any value to another humans life.

Jay

We've read a lot about how masking is traumatic. Think about it, constantly having to hide your autism traits means having to do things that are uncomfortable and even painful. We've often 'joked' about how our masks just happen to have different names and talk to each other. Yes, without the initial traumas and detachment from our parents, the DID wouldn't exist, but even for autistic people who don't suffer those trauma and attachment issues, autistic people often suffer from PTSD and cPTSD due to constant masking, bullying and other forms of trauma.

We've talked to non-system autistic people and found that a lot of them still feel slightly fuzzy with their identities because they mask every day just to get through the day.

I would say that you absolutely belong here, and as for not carrying trauma...well, I (Violette) don't carry the trauma in our system. I know of the trauma, but I don't remember it.

Take care and hope that things are clear in what I wrote.
Violette

Thanks Violette

You'd think though having spent so much time alone now with no need to mask daily for work etc that only one personality would need to be present and that one would take over? Yet we still switch and blend and don't have to be dissociated to do so. ..I mean if it was just about masking and finding 'normal life demands' stressful or traumatic? ..that maybe the original cause but it seems to have gone beyond that now.

Jay

Kate seems to have taken on more ..erm..sentience?...is that the right word?

What I mean is she has gone from appearing as a spirit that Teen S originally saw and experienced after the stroke who appeared to be a reincarnation of our mum to a more solid adult alter. She believes she was a 15 yr old girl (after being reborn from being our mother) and was born with autism in that life so she could better understand 'me'...she said that at the end of her last life (as our mum) she had always regretted that she hadn't understood us, she had always loved us but hadn't understood the autism so when her time came she had asked to be reborn with it. After she died in a car crash in that next life she returned to help us....

I'm still confused as to whether she would have such a different background story if she was an alter (given most of our human alters are 'past versions of me' type alters) or whether she is a Tulpa that Teen S created in her mind during the stroke event that has seemingly taken on a life of her own?

Regardless of her original origins she is definitely a separate identity now and seems to believe her backstory. She is definitely evolving beyond that..now becoming a mother figure on the inside too. She helps out at the front, she helped with the audiology appointment and likes to come out and help us cook, and tidy round when needed, She seems to have made a life for herself on the inside too.

Her inside adult body looks like photo's of a younger version of our mum (when she was courting our dad) Kenny the new farm hand who seems to have appeared out of nowhere! (so must be a changeling) ..looks like our dad at that age too. I'm not sure whether Bobby has done this to make LS happy (or even how!) but everyone else seems happy with this and welcomed them both..apparently LP (lil P..previously Phoenix..now 4yo bro to LS) is 'their baby'. ..technically 'all versions of me' are 'their daughter from a past life'... it's a somewhat unusual setup but everyone on the inside seems happy with it..so I (this me out here) consequently am starting to feel a bit happier.

An appointment came through the post for next audiology appointment too so hopefully will have the new hearing aids by end of October! ..I am really praying they give us some good Tinnitus relief and at least (eventually) reduce the volume of it when take them out at night. For the immediate term also got some sleep gummies and sleep patches to try as the Nytol tablets don't seem to work well anymore to get a full nights sleep. so really pinning our hopes on better sleep over winter combined with the new hearing aids reducing the Tinnitus over the next year!

Jay

ps..forgot to mention..
Sioux wanted to change spelling of her name..now 'Sue' in signature...
SG also wanted to be called 'Inca' instead. ..she is now Gatekeeper..Kit has returned inside.

Bobby has said they understand us now...this is a big moment for us with them being the worst off in the autistic sense of being unable to understand anything from anyone else's viewpoint.

They understand why we were more able in the past (functioning through multiple social masks) and why the menopause seems to have affected our ability to mask leaving them and Kit out alot whose sensory issues were too great to cope being out full-time without 'a mask' (ie another alters assistance)

Where as in the past they believed not only that the body was rightfully theirs but also that after all those years inside shielded by multiple layers of alters they would just be able to cope with the constant barrage of sensory overload even within a life stripped to the absolute bare minimum as it was during lockdown.

This is a HUGE admission to come from 'Bobby' They also shared with us how important it was to them for inner world to continue and for not every single alter to disappear. Little Susie reassured them she always want to be 6 and live inside especially now she had her little bro back and 'mummy and daddy''

Sue reassured Bobby that Teen S may yet make a comeback in the future but right now is feeling weak and exhausted. Bobby suggested creating another 'Juno' for her (changeling/Tulpa) so she still had a 15yr old twin as Kate had decided to stay in adult form so she could help us all.

We were surprised at Bobby's understanding that this could be the reason for Teen S's depression and exhaustion(that she had effectively 'lost her twin' as Kate had chosen to slide to an older age and relive her relationship with our dad and my younger self (LS) and brother as her children again...but TS had been happiest when they were 'Yuna & Juno' 15yr old twins.

Kate now has decide whether she wants to stay as the 'mother figure' to everyone or wants to slide back down to 15 for just one of us (TS) to be really happy again. LS would then be really unhappy as she's absolutely thrilled to have her mummy, daddy and baby brother on the inside with her again forever. Would Teen S accept a changeling becoming 'her Juno''? or should Kate give up her desires?

It's a difficult decision

Jay

I've come to realise that all the change-arounds is the systems attempt to find what makes each of us happy.

The inner world was Bobby''s early method of communicating with hosts when past hosts were not aware of each other. Everybody daydreams but all our hosts have always been able to visualise in detail because it was Bobby's way of communicating with them and sending thoughts. In the early years most of us others found ourself in stasis when not needed out front because Bobby had no attachment to us and no desire to share their inner world with anyone else other than Little Susie, Phoenix and the changelings.I think this is why we- 'the social mask hosts' were all disconnected for so long with no awareness of each other.

We're extremely limited in the outside world due to disability and being unable to afford to pay for the level of assistance we would need to get out in the world. Even if you don't go anywhere expensive there is still the assistants wages to pay out of our money then they also expect you to cover their petrol and food..we have had an helper in the past when we had no choice it was only 16 hours a week but it took most of our benefit money so were unable to save so if something came up like a vet emergency or the scooter or electric wheelchair needed repairs we were stuck.

We also did not enjoy having to go out whether we wanted to or not because the carer was bored otherwise and wouldn't just come to do housework every shift. She would arrange with another carer she knew to meet with them in town without telling us then I was effectively paying for her petrol and meal with this other person and shopping trip. We later found she had been claiming for hours she never actually claiming she took us out sundays (double rate) when she had refused when we had asked once if she would help us go to a PCFair which was on a sunday.

Experience has taught us the only ones who put us first and did their best to help us was our parents and since a lot of our alters are from teens and younger when they were still alive ..Bobby has recreated that on the inside for LS in particular It's there because its a place Bobby needs to visit also I believe and why they always age-slide back down to 'visit them' they go to visit their old bedroom.

Back in the current day outside world - ME comes with post-exertion malaise (PEM), for many with ME that seems to relate to physical movement. many we know are almost completely bed bound.... but for us maybe due to the autism too socialising and/or having to go out for appointments causes far more crippling fatigue which often takes a day or more to recover from.

By keeping external demands low we can make sure we have enough energy to do the basics - look after Mr woof, have enough energy to do a few things round the house or let the littles come out to play video games. Without having to pay out for a helpers wages and of the running of a vehicle, we have enough to cover our food, repairs and a few little treats. I'm sure the Tinnitus adds to the level of fatigue as we're unable to get a break from it but we are hoping to be able to lower the volume or get some relief in the near future with these new hearing aids. That may give us a little extra available energy too but our life will never be a typical NT one.

We have to learn to be content be with what have and feel grateful Bobby's abilities can at least give us a 'rich inner world' and each other for company.

Jay

Have really itchy eyes today and had something in the left one and unable to open it but it seems to have worked its way out now ..just a bit red and watery but the itching is going off now i took some anti-histamine so they're starting to kick in.

Still managed to communicate with pharmacy in messages with one eye open! ... thankfully it hadn't happened until after we got back from walkies! ...prescription will hopefully be on its way soon.

Kate has said that TS wishes to eventually integrate with us at the front (as I have the previous 'yuna parts' integrated with me) if we could get the Tinnitus at a lower volume... I think the 'slider analogy' is what we're aiming for so sometimes we're a little bit more me and sometimes a bit more her.
Kate will stay separate as she wants to be able to visit LS too on the inside and also becomes the host for more official appointments.

Sue will keep the spelling of her name even if TS does come to the front and will remain inside as LS's main caretaker as she has been doing for years with Jody also.

Bobby and Kit will remain inside and not be part of the future fronting team. Inca is undecided at the minute but for now is playing gatekeeper and spirit guardian but has no desire to be host.

I think its possible (depending on what our lifespan ends up being) that all (or most) of the ones who identified with the birth name will eventually end up integrated to some degree to be 'the host' I don't think Bobby and Kit will be part of it though they may integrate with each other, they will stay separate incase its needed for any future emergencies. Bobby wants to keep the inner world alive for LS if she wants to remain 6 and relive with her family again on the inside.

so there's a future plan of sorts! .... for now the immediate plan is to try and get the Tinnitus to lower in volume and find ways for those that want to remain up front to cope with it!

Jay

I still sometimes can get up and doing things in like autopilot not sure who 'I' am unless its obvious...Right now am sitting in 'six million dollar man' T-shirt watching the program as we do every evening I know that is Bobby's influence it was one of their favorite programs in childhood. Even though they have the boxset DVD's we have to watch it when its on too!

With the constant tinnitus too I do feel stressed sometimes. I understand why no ONE alter seems to stay out front for too long. We seem to burn out from sensory overload quickly..possibly cos we cant turn off sound and rest in silence for a while. (unless we return to the inside where its shielded)

I'm trying to understand who 'this me' is though so bought the book 'Taking off the mask' by Dr Hanna Louise Belcher who is herself autistic I believe. It has practical exercises to help with masking..I was hoping in my case though going through the exercises might help me distinguish my likes and thoughts from the others.


Jay

Kit here

Jay is feeling a bit frazzled and exhausted by the unrelenting tinnitus, so I'm out for the day gonna get lost in Skyrim to distract from it!

It maybe different insiders for a week or so until we get these hearing aids sorted....hopefully they will make a difference and she can cope with being full time host again.

Right now going back inside is the only way for us to get a break from it and sleeping pills are only giving us about 4 hours break as body has got used to them now.

Kit